Quick And Dirty, Volume One

Okay, so, I was away from this space for, what? Ten hours? And all sorts of madness went down. Because I can't let good fodder go to waste, and in the interest of expedition, I am proud to introduce a new feature here at F-Bomb: the Quick and Dirty. So, without further ado, here it is:

AWWWWWWWW SHIT! At her standup show in New Jersey this past weekend, Chelsea Handler, who just happens to be besties with Jennifer Aniston, went off on Angelina Jolie. Quoth Chelsea, "She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don't f*cking believe you...she gives interviews, 'I don't have a lot of female friends.' 'Cause you're a f*cking c*nt...you're a f*cking bitch." I love a good middle-school girlfight during the holidays, don't you? Me-effing-ow. You can see the bit here. [via HollywoodLife.com]

ALSO, SHE LIES: Not to feed Chelsea's fire or anything, but it appears that her royal prettiness is, in fact, full of shit. In between directing films, amassing children, and eunuchizing Brad Pitt, Ms. Jolie spoke about plastic surgery, telling the Daily Mail, "I haven't had anything done and I don't think I will." Really? The photo above suggests otherwise, Angie. Just saying.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DEFEND BRISTOL PALIN: During VH1's "Divas Salute the Troops," Kathy Griffin referred to Bristol Palin as "the white Precious," after mocking her for gaining weight during "Dancing With The Stars." Look, I'd rather drink bleach while receiving a root canal right before my wedding to John Edwards than be considered a Bristol Palin supporter, but Kathy Griffin and her 45 plastic surgery procedures can suck it. [via E! Online]

WE WERE THIS CLOSE TO THE END OF THE WORLD: Tonight we should all breathe a deep sigh of relief, hug our loved ones, and worship the appropriate deities. Kim Kardashian is not pregnant with Kanye West's baby. [via People]

BLAH BLAH BLAH: Newly appointed King of the DBags, New York Times Dance Critic Alastair Macaulay, tried to shake off his title. Nice try, asshat. [viaJezebel.com]

I DON'T NEED ANOTHER REASON TO HATE SARAH PALIN: But if you do, here you go.