Saturday, October 30, 2010

This Is Real


From plastic surgeon Dr. Tony Youn's official website, here is the explanation that accompanies these photos:

"...one of the newest trends in plastic surgery: creating elf ears. There is a Hungarian plastic surgeon practicing in New York City who created this procedure and even claims that it can 'improve the experience of listening to music.' Apparently there are 'music faun clubs' which are dance clubs that only allow entrance to those with pointy ears." 

ELF EARS. MUSIC FAUN CLUBS. Armageddon is near, people. Hunker down.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Somebody Needs A Refresher Course


Jezebel.com reports that last night, two members of gay rights group Equality California found a noose on the door of their Santa Ana office. When they reported the obviously threatening hate crime to the Santa Ana Police Department, they were dismissed. In fact, an officer responded to the complaint with these words: "Sometimes you just have to live with being a victim." OH SNAP! When asked why he was such a jackass, the officer replied, "I'm an ego-dystonic gay man with a mustache and a gun!" Okay, I made that last part up, but whatever. If you want to remind the Santa Ana PD that the noose message is a hate crime by definition, you can do so here (thanks to Jezebel for the link).

Wait Wait Wait! I Changed My Mind!


You'll see that the post before this one, regarding the new Kardashian credit card, is titled "Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week." Yeah, that's not true. I mean, it's usually a good bet that KKar will earn the title, but this week she has been ousted by a Swedish couple who refuse to disclose their 2 year-old child's gender. The parents call the kid "Pop," offer him/her pants and dresses to choose from, and will reveal the child's gender when Pop himherself feels it's time. The mother explains, "We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender or mold from the outset. It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead." Look, crazy lady, I am ALL FOR challenging gender schema, and I hesitate to rag on anyone's individual parenting choices, but JUST STOP. Your kid is not a sociological experiment. You know what's crueler than forcing a child into a specific gender or stereotype? Forcing your kid to be the offspring of two militant, attention-seeking freaks. Just saying.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 8


Okay, this is more the stupidest thing I've seen, but let's not get hung up on technicalities. See that card above? That is the new Kardashian MasterCard. Just take a minute and let that sink in. Kardashian. Master. Card.
Breast implants: $12,000
Nose job: $8000
One-month supply of trannylicious makeup: $2000
Proving to every cashier you meet that you are a complete idiot
: Priceless.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Asshat


Rapper The Game has a Twitter account. I don't think his last few Tweets require any commentary from me, so I will simply repost them here, and you can enjoy them for yourselves. No, really. Put on some inspiring music, make a cup of tea, and get ready to have your mind blown by the insight, artistry, and brilliance that is The Game, without editing:

Aye! i gotta question: What kinda man let another man put his dick in his booty...I'm just askin nigga that shit krazy tho. #buttpirates


Ain't no attack on gay people, I'm just askin on the real that shit crazy dog. Gay women, kool! Ellen, kool! Dick in the booty, not kool.

and later:

drunk a whole bottle of cherry NyQuil & took two viccodin's & survived!!! kids DO NOT try this at home. #certifedgangsta

Certified jackass.

PostPostmodern Irony, Hollywood Style


X17online reports that David ArquetteChris Brown, and Ashton Kutcher attended last night's GQ Gentlemen's Ball in New York. Because nothing says "gentlemen" like the triumvirate of indiscretion, abuse, and adultery. Swoon.

Settle Down, Patty


Patricia Arquette had a shitfit last night when reporters at the ONEXONE Foundation Gala in New York asked her brother about his marital problems. Patricia attended the event with David, who recently separated from his wife, Courteney Cox. As one would expect, reporters on the red carpet bombarded David with questions about the separation, which caused Patricia to sprout wings, drop fangs, and yell,

"How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What's the worst think that you've ever had happen to you? Do you masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It's not alright! It's not alright!" 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, PArq. Take it easy. It was David, after all, who called into the Howard Stern show to tell the world the intimate details of his sex life with both Courteney and other women. And, um, nobody had asked. In fact, I think I speak for the world when I say that nobody really wanted to know. So let's all calm down, okay, Pat? Jeesh.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

If By "Right," You Mean "By A Trainwreck," Then I Agree


"[Audrina] was raised right...and I don't give a shit...especially Lauren Conrad, piss-ant little fashion shit. If that bitch wants to bring it on, let's go. Let's f**king go... F**k The Hills girls, those tramps. My baby's a star. She's the only one who's got some class." - Lynn Patridge, Audrina Patridge's mom, to reporters outside Beso restaurant last night. Lynn was taking a smoke break during dinner with her daughter and friends following Audrina's elimination from Dancing With The Stars. Yeah, there's no better way to convince the press that your daughter has class than with a drunken, profane, threatening tirade. If you want to hear more of Lynn Patridge's profound prose, you can watch a video of her trash talk here. It's really touching.

I See London, I See France...


...and Taylor Momsen is ready to exotic dance.

The 17 year-old is a dazzling ray of sunshine as she arrives at a gig with her band, The Pretty Reckless.

Photo via jezebel.com

Charlie Says Relax


"The story is totally overblown and overplayed as far as the reality of the situation." - Charlie Sheen, in an exclusive interview with Radaronline.com about his cocaine-sniffing, hooker-hiring, hotel room-trashing incident. I know there are some good jokes in here using "blow" and "play," but I'm going to let them go. Plus, the real punchline is at the end of the Radaronline story: "[Charlie] agreed to treatment as part of a plea deal to avoid jail after threatening to kill [wife Brooke] Mueller during a domestic violence incident last Chrsistmas in Aspen, Colorado. Sheen, the highest-paid actor on US TV, is expected to return to work on Friday." I'm not sure how much one can overblow the story of a drug addict father who parties with hookers during a family vacation a year after threatening to kill the mother of his two youngest kids, but, whatever, Chuckie. At least your work won't suffer. Phew.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

That Had To Hurt


Here's a photo from the September issue of Russian Vogue. Something's missing. Can you find it? Go ahead, keep looking. Got it? If you don't, look at model Alessandra Ambrosio, third from left. Evidently she wanted a sandwich or something because they went and chopped off one of her legs. Rough. Seriously, though, come on now. First, magazines bombarded us with stretched and skinnied bodies, and now dismemberment? Take it easy on the Photoshop, homies.

Photo courtesy of Photoshop Disasters.

Charlie Sheen Pulled A Johnny Depp


At 2 a.m. last night, police arrived at New York's Plaza Hotel to find Charlie Sheen naked and unconscious in a trashed room complete with upended furniture and a broken chandelier. Oh, and he was drunk. Rock 'n' roll!  Sheen got out of rehab two months ago and is in New York with his ex-wife and two young daughters. That's nice. Oh, just for fun, let's all remember that this clown makes TWO MILLION DOLLARS AN EPISODE on that crapfest -- I mean show, Two and a Half Men. Yeah.

UPDATERadaronline.com reports that there was a prostitute there, too. And she said Sheen was bogarting all the coke. I'm not joking. It seems Chuck got a little paranoid, accused the young lady of stealing his wallet, and then went nuts on the furniture and chandelier. I guess his kids had a separate room.

UPDATE #2: Radaronline now reports that Sheen is checking into -- say it with me, people -- REHAB!

One More Reason To Hate The Tea Party


You know, in case Sarah Palin isn't enough. Here's a video of a bunch of Rand Paul supporters attacking  a woman, pulling off her wig, dragging her to the ground, and stepping on her head. It happened last night outside the Kentucky Senate debate. The victim, Lauren Valle, was protesting -- peacefully -- on behalf of MoveOn when Randy's boys decided she needed a beating. Because nothing says "Save America!" like raw, unnecessary violence.

Monday, October 25, 2010

You Suck, Sean Bielat


Sean Bielat is a Republican running for Congress in Massachusetts against current Rep. Barney Frank; Frank chairs the House Financial Services committee and is an openly gay man. The video above was produced by Bielat's team as part of his online campaign. It features an animated, disco-dancing Barney Frank along with audio clips of Frank intended to implicate him in current financial disasters. Okay, so one can certainly argue that Frank has made some mistakes lately -- with Congress, that is. But Bielat's video is very clearly an attack on Frank's sexuality, and, in addition to being a weak, cheap, ignorant shot, the video sends a coded message to conservatives that gay-bashing is a valid campaign tactic. GEE, SEAN, I WONDER WHERE KIDS ARE LEARNING TO BULLY OTHER KIDS BECAUSE OF THEIR SEXUALITY? Jackass.

How Much Fame Would A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame?


"When I was having my relationship with Tiger I was like on the seventh cloud especially from a sexual perspective." - Loredana Jolie, former Playmate, prostitute, and mistress number whatever of Tiger Woods, in her new book The Real Diary: Lessons from the Good Time Girl to Champion. Like, OMG! The seventh cloud? What the **** is the seventh cloud? What the lovely Loredana lacks in literacy she makes up for in salaciousness. According to excerpts from the book, Tiger is "largely endowed and safe sex with him was definitely champion status." Good to know! Loredana also points out that her book goes beyond lurid stories of celebrity adultery. In fact, according to LJo, "My diary also reveals millions of secrets that can save millions [of] people worldwide. I have slept with some of the wealthiest and most powerful men on the planet." So for those of you in despair over suffering and injustice in the world, fear not; Loredana Jolie has come to save us all with her heroic tales of sex for money. God bless us, everyone.

UPDATE: Brett Favre's Junk


According to The New York Post, Brett Favre has admitted to sending pervy text messages to Jenn Sterger. However, he denies sending the penis pics to her. Despite the fact that the rather unsavory photos were sent from the same number as the text messages, Brett wants the NFL to believe that he sent the messages but not the photos. That makes sense. In a related story, Brett has no explanation for the three interceptions he threw last night, either. Life's a mystery, ain't it, BFav?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

From the Files of "Please Have a Sandwich," Edition 6.0


Dear Tara Reid,

I know the press gives you a hard time, what with the botched plastic surgeries and the drinking and all the rest. But remember The Big Lebowski? You were awesome in that. And this looks like a perfectly sober (if strained) smile on your face last night. So, I have an idea. How about this: MILKSHAKES. With our without Bailey's -- doesn't matter. Just please get some calories into that body. I bet you're fun to hang out with when you aren't starving to death. Literally.

Think about it,

RZ

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot???!!!!


Yesterday a plane crashed in the Republic of Congo and killed 20 people. Awful, right? Yeah. Here's what happened: A passenger on the aircraft was carrying a live crocodile in a duffle bag (he planned to sell the animal). As the plane was nearing its destination, the croc ESCAPED FROM THE BAG and ran around the plane, terrorizing the passengers. The lone flight attendant and all of the passengers ran toward the cockpit, causing a massive weight imbalance on the small plane, which went into a midair spin and crashed into a house. One passenger survived. Oh, and the crocodile survived the crash, but was killed with a machete by a rescuer looking through the wreckage. True effing story, people. So, if you are planning to join the illegal reptile trade, check your bags.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Sugar And Spice and Everything Nice, BONUS EDITION!



Now she's done it. I mean, there is nothing left, really. I've come to a Zen place with Taylor Momsen and her desperate pursuit of objectification. There she is, in the above photo courtesy of HollywoodLife.com, flashing her 17 year-old breasts at the audience during her band's show last night. "The Pretty Reckless" performed at Don Hill's in New York City as part of the "Rock The Sidewalk" event, and Taylor figured that the stripper heels, fishnets, knives, guns, and pornos weren't enough, so she pulled open her shirt. Oh, but it's not like she was totally topless. She had pasties on her nipples. I mean, come on, people; she's just a kid after all. Get your heads out of the gutter.

When Famewhores Attack -- Themselves


Michael Lohan was allegedly attacked last night outside of his home, where a track-suit clad assailant grabbed him from behind as he stepped out in front of his house. Michael told police that he was jumped by a white man in his 50s or 60s who cut him on his neck with "an unknown object." (See the scratches in the photo above, courtesy of Radaronline.com.) Michael says he then fought off the attacker, sustaining cuts on his hands before the man fled the scene on foot. Hmmm. You might remember that on Wednesday, Michael released a statement to the press that he would no longer speak to the press. Well, he said he would no longer speak to the press about Lindsay or her mom. He didn't say anything about speaking to the press about fake attacks that he stages outside of his house to give him a reason to talk to the press on the very day that Lindsay is in court for her parole violation. JUST SAYING.

UPDATE: 40 hours after promising not to speak to the press about Lindsay, PoLo spoke to the press. About Lindsay. I know. You're shocked. You can hear him here.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Wherin I Stab Myself In The Eye


"...It's my guide to the 'Jersey Shore," battle plans for the club, a primer on grenades and wingmen, and tips for ridding yourself of all levels of clinger." - Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's description of his new book to Amazon. If you aren't up to snuff on The Sitch's esoteric vocabulary, let me help: "grenade" is a term for an ugly woman. Yup. Given his early dalliances in language, it's clear that this book is going to be awesome. I've only looked at the cover and already my soul has a rash. Keep up the good work, Mikey!

Deanna Favre Is Unintentionally Hilarious


Deanna Favre, Brett Favre's wife, was on GMA this morning to promote her new book. But host Robin Roberts didn't let Deanna off without asking her the real question: How is she dealing with Brett's little sending-penis-pictures-to-random-chicks problem? Deanna answered that her "faith" is getting her through. She didn't explain what faith has to do with a married man harassing women with unsolicited dirty photos, but she did quote a Bible verse, Isaiah 41:10, that proclaims "I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." That's nice. I am not going to make a joke. I'm not. Nope.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I Should Have Known


"J-Woww: Why I Said No to Playboy" - a headline right now at Usmagazine.com. Just for fun, let's play a little game. Before I reveal her reason for saying no, why don't you guess what J-Woww told Us about her rejection of Playboy's offer:

a) "I want people to take me seriously."
b) "I'm having my implants replaced, so I want to wait until after the next surgery to take it all off."
c) "I'm more shy than you think."

If you guessed A or C, clearly you've never watched "Jersey Shore," so...Bravo! If you guessed B, you have seen the show, and that's a good guess. But it was a trick question. In fact, J-Woww said that she rejected Playboy's $400,000 offer because "There was a better opportunity out there, which everybody will probably see soon." Great. She doesn't give any details of this "better opportunity," so there's a chance that it won't involve seeing J-Woww naked. Come on; a girl can dream, right?

Kids These Days

Taylor Momsen is a problem. If you don’t know who Taylor is, have a look:


Taylor just turned 17. For a few years she has been on the show Gossip Girl. She is also the lead singer of a rock band called “The Pretty Reckless,” and she recently signed on as the face of Madonna’s new clothing line “Material Girl.” I have given TMo a lot of flack over the last months, partly because I got bored of picking on Miley, and partly because TayTay can’t keep her mouth shut, and she’s always prattling on about knives or dog shit or porn. Seriously. Between Taylor’s armed lingerie and Miley’s stripper pole prowess, one can safely assume that many parents and media professionals have ignored the poignant cautionary tales known as Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. And because, like Brit and Lilo before them, Taylor and Miley have been figuratively and literally whored out by their parents since childhood, I can’t really blame the girls themselves. Well, I can, and I do, but I don’t really mean it. The real criminals are the adults involved – parents, managers, and consumers. It’s not like I’m personally offended by stripper poles or porn in general – come on now. You’ve read my stuff, right? It’s just that I have a soft spot for this childhood thing. I’d really like to see it live on. And right now, the institution of childhood is in grave, grave danger.

Obviously, I am not the only one who finds Miley’s over-the-top sexuality and Taylor’s general debauchery to be problematic. After her Revolver issue hit the net and the stands, the Parents’ Television Council released this statement about Taylor’s cover: “By posing this way, with guns in hand, she is making guns and violence seem sexy, and contributing to the already epidemic problem of kids’ overexposure to hyper-sexualized media content, which has been linked to depression, eating disorders, and sexual risk-taking.” Now, The Parents Television Council is one of those organizations whose name alone rubs me the wrong way. I’m not so old that I don’t have a knee jerk, negative reaction to any thing that sounds like censorship or conservative proselytizing. But here’s the thing about the PTC, a group about which I admit to knowing very little: they’re right. Before anyone gets excited, let me be clear. If a child sees Taylor’s magazine cover, she is not going to run out and become a homicidal hooker. Listening to Miley’s music is not going to impregnate anybody. But the facts – the FACTS – are that Miley’s and Taylor’s fans are kids -- whether the two poptarts like it or not – and kids are negatively affected by violent and sexual imagery. Facts. And the more adult behavior we accept from kids and teens, the more we endanger childhood itself. And guess what? I have, like, scientific proof and stuff.

Here’s the dealio: Some time, usually towards the end of middle school, kids gain the ability to think abstractly. Before that, children are called “concrete thinkers.” That is, their cognitive abilities are limited to those ideas that involve facts and descriptions about tangible objects. Gradually, as the child becomes a teenager, he begins to develop his abstract thinking skills, which will allow him to conceptualize, generalize, and otherwise process ideas in a sophisticated way. No matter how smart a nine year-old is, it is almost certain that her brain is literally unable to process abstract ideas. So here is where the problem begins. By inundating kids with abstract ideas -- like the intersection of sex, love, and self -- we ask them to process very complex ideas within very simple paradigms. And, um, that doesn’t really work. Instead, the child will absorb the ideas in black and white ways. Taylor’s twelve-year old fans don’t see any irony in Taylor’s cover. They see that Taylor likes guns. Now, of course, this is what parents are for, right? OF COURSE, someone can step in and discourage the kid from internalizing the idea or else censor those things to which the child is exposed. But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that teens are always eager to absorb their parents’ mores and follow their rules. The point is, constant bombardment with media images of sex and violence set up kids for struggles as they try to incorporate the concrete ideas they have built as children into their developing worldviews. Hence that whole depression, eating disorder, risk-taking stuff the PTC is all worked up about.

And there’s more. The whole journey of adolescence is anchored by one primary conflict – psychologist Erik Erikson called it “Identity vs. Role Confusion.” Basically, between the ages (roughly) of 12 and 18, we all try to establish our identities. Many teens do this by experimenting with different personas – that’s why they’re all so freaking nuts. I mean, I love them, but you know what I mean. The identity that a teen absorbs as her own is that which consistently elicits a reaction from her peer group and the adults in her life. If she is unable to find an identity that she can incorporate successfully into all parts of her life, role confusion results. That’s the technical explanation. Here’s the breakdown: if you tell a teenage girl that her worth is in her body, she is going to absorb her identity as a sexual object. Objectification becomes normal. With that in mind, let’s look at the fact that Miley’s parents loved her pole-dancing routine – and that Taylor’s “handlers” approve of her whole sex-and-violence thing. If you aren’t worried about the fans, think about these kids themselves. What do you think happens when a young girl is made rich and famous by slutting it up? I’ll tell you what happens: BRITNEY. Or worse.

Obviously, I am oversimplifying a lot of the psychology, and obviously it is unfair to say that these girls are destined to psych ward visits and bald heads. But we know that hyper-sexuality and violence have dangerous effects on kids. We know that the media’s sexualization of kids is big business these days. So, now what? Well, I’d like to charge Miley’s and Taylor’s parents with crimes, but you know how that goes. I’ve already tried to make a few citizen’s arrests at the mall, and people tend to react badly. Go figure. So what’s a girl – or a boy or a woman or a man or any citizen of the world who thinks childhood is important – to do? I wish I knew. I just like to complain; it’s not like I have any answers. Jeez. But at the very least, think about it. Be aware of what you support with your money and attention. And as for you, Taylor, at the risk of sounding like my grandmother, “Put some clothes on for Chrissakes.”

WHAT?! SHE DID WHAT?!


"Good morning, Anita Hill, it's Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and years and ask you...to consider an apology sometime and a full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband." - a voicemail left by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's wife for Anita Hill, the woman who accused Clarence of sexual harassment in 1991. According to The New York Times, Ginny left the message for Anita on the morning of October 9. Now, because I know some of you were just babes -- if that -- back in 1991, let me fill you in: According to Hill, Justice Thomas, who was her (married) boss, not only asked her out several times but also talked to her about porn, his penis, and his cunnilingus expertise. He also (allegedly) asked her "Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?" But there wasn't enough proof that Thomas was a power-abusing pervert, so he was appointed to the Supreme Court anyway. That's cool. I mean, innocent until proven guilty; I get it. But let's say it's all true (Hill was a somewhat reluctant and always believable accuser). And now the dude who harrassed you for years at work holds one of the most revered positions in American government, and if that's not bad enough, his wife calls you 20 years later to ask you to apologize? Um, let me speak for Anita when I say, BITCH, PLEASE!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Reality Show Starts Filming In 3...2...1...


Steven Slater, also known as the Jet Blue Diva (eye roll), pled guilty this morning to two counts of criminal mischief stemming from that big scene he made back in August. Slater's plea got him out of jail; instead, he'll enroll in a year-long mental health program that will include substance abuse counseling. No word yet on whether or not the program treats famewhoreism.

This Is Subtle


Glee's Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, and Cory Monteith are featured this month in GQ magazine. The feature is titled "Glee Gone Wild" and includes the shot above of Ms. Michele. This photo...I feel like it's trying to say something...I just don't know what. It's like she's sending us some sort of message with her body. Hmm. Stumper. Oh well. Anyway, the photos were shot by supreme pervert Terry Richardson. LMic says of the experience, "I don't know how they got me to do half the stuff I did." Don't play coy with us, you little minx. We're onto you. Meow.

Cree To The Py


Meet HRP-4C, otherwise known as Divabot. She's a singing, dancing, blinking robot from Japan's National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology. In this video, you'll see her perform a Japanese pop song and shake her metal booty in coordination with her backup dancers. She's pretty damn lifelike. And, I mean, I can totally see robots taking over pop music: human-shaped Auto-tune machine or Britney Spears? Same difference. I wouldn't worry about Miley, though. The robot doesn't know how to strip.

Monday, October 18, 2010

By "Timeless" They Mean "Twisted"



The Dallas Morning News reports that Dallas-area father Jon Langbert has been demoted from his position as a leader of his nine year-old son's Boy Scout pack because he is gay. This, of course, is standard policy from The Boy Scouts of America. Because all homosexuals are pedophiles, duh. Yay for institutionalized hate!

I Bet Tom Cruise Is Crazy Jealous


Jada Pinkett and Will Smith are weird. Say whatever you want -- they're weird. They're, like, secret Scientologists, and Will has conspiracy theories, and they're always talking about some sort of sex-related shiz that that you know they don't even do --  and if they do I do NOT want to hear about it. I mean, they're not hard on the eyes, and they seem like nice enough people, but...a little wacky, no? Anyway -- regardless -- their daughter, Willow, is pretty rad. Her first video, for her single "Whip My Hair," was released today, and Willow Smith is a little bad a$$. I mean that in the cool way, not in the Taylor Momsen way. The song is kind of awful, but the video is cool, and Willow is very cool. And she's not Miley! By that I mean that she's fully clothed. Bonus! You can see the video at Gawker TV.

This Is Not A Joke


Because the Catholic church hasn't lost enough credibility, the official Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, recently issued a glowing endorsement of...wait for it...wait for it...The Simpsons. Says the paper, "The Simpsons are among the few TV programmes for children in which Christain faith, religion, and questions about God are recurrent themes...[the Simpsons] recite prayer before meals, and, in their own peculiar way, believes in the life thereafter." Um, wow. Yeah, so, evidently satire doesn't translate into Italian. It seems someone at the Vatican (I'm talking about you, Pope Benny!) has a thing for Homer and Bart, as this is not the first time L'Osservatore Romano has talked them up. In December, the paper said that the TV show mirrors the "religious and spiritual confusion of our times." Well, someone is certainly confused; that's for sure. You know, this would be pretty hilarious were it not proof that the Vatican is in no position to make decisions for anyone.

P.S. F-Bomb Café looooves The Simpsons -- make no mistake. Lovity love love. - ed.

Is That A Promise?


"I'm too old for that now...I wanted to get it out of my system before I turned 30." - Kim Kardashian, on posing nude, to Us Weekly. So, KKar is giving up the public nudity business, huh? Makes sense. I mean, she probably wants to focus on her real talents, like....uh....you know...she's really good at...um...sex tapes? Oh, wait, that's nudity, too. Um...what else does she do again?
Jusssssst saying.

F*** You, RadarOnline


"Lady Gaga Packs On A Few Pounds" - a headline last night at RadarOnline.com. The website reports, "...new photos of the singer obtained by RadarOnline.com show a stunning change in her figure. Lady G has definitely padded on a few pounds! She still looks incredible in her skimpy costumes, but gone -- at least for now -- are the great abs." Oh, and then the website adds:  "Lady Gaga has a history of struggling with her weight." Great! Then your report should definitely help! Assholes. It's one thing to report gossip; it's another thing entirely to police and advertise minor fluctuations in a woman's body. Nice message, you irresponsible losers.
Grrrrrr.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

World In Crisis


"I've been going through Pamelas for 20 years. There have been a lot of Giselles. I've run out of suggestions."- Lonnie Hanover, spokesman for Rick's Cabaret (and by "cabaret" they mean "strip club"). L-Dog tells The New York Post that the club is in trouble because they are running out of names for their strippers. Hmmm. Let's see, Lonnie...how about your wife's name? Or your daughter's? Just a suggestion.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Just In Time For Halloween!


I'm not sure how else to introduce this, so here's the opening sentence from an article in The New York Post:


"A Manhattan woman is looking for a court order allowing sperm to be extracted from her dead husband."


Read it again. Go ahead. Got it? SPERM FROM HER DEAD HUSBAND. The husband, George Kamau, killed himself on October 11. His wife, Victoria Chege, wants a New Jersey sperm bank to extract semen from George's body, which has yet to be buried, so that a family friend can be inseminated with the ghost seeds and bear a child for Victoria. Imagine when the kid asks how he was conceived? "Well, honey, it all started when we invaded your father's dead body..." That's not creepy at all.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 7


According to Radaronline.com, Jesse James, the Nazi-loving, famwhore-romancing, philandering creep also known as the former Mr. Sandra Bullock, has demanded that his ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, take an AIDS test before she can see their daughter. James's demand comes on the heels of the news that a male porn star recently tested positive for HIV -- Lindemulder used to work in porn. Whatever, dude. First of all, his demand is obviously just manipulation and posturing in what has been a decidedly bitter custody battle. And even if it weren't, what the f***?! HIV-positive parents have different rights than other parents? Plus, considering that JJ has been indiscriminately boning everything he sees with implants and and a neck tattoo, it's all a pretty hypocritical. But at least he's modeling honest and mature behavior for that daughter of theirs. Asshat.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice, Volume 3


She's baaaaaaaack. Here's the lovely Taylor Momsen, from Gossip Girl, in her interview with Revolver magazine. Oh, and she's 17:

"If it's a good sex tape, I'll watch it...I like some adult stars. I have a couple favorites. But I will say this: That Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson video wasn't very good. I wouldn't f*** Tommy Lee."

I'm sure Tommy is crushed. After sleeping with hundreds of women, I know he's been on the hunt for a teenager who is desperate to portray herself as a profane hussy. You're so cool and edgy, TMo!


Say It Isn't So!


People  is reporting that Jesse James and Kat Von D are on the rocks. WHAT??!!! A lying philanderer and a desperate famehwhore are having relationship problems? Damn. If these two kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Good To Know


"I'd rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I'd rather be out here being free." - Sarah Palin, in a promo for her new TLC reality show, "Alaska." Well, then I guess it's a good thing you weren't ELECTED TO THE VICE PRESIDENCY. Thanks for wasting the country's time and money. Jackass.

Get The Shirt, People!

I could not have said it better myself. They're speaking my language. (warning: language is NSFW)

Please, No More Celebrity Penises


I had only just recovered from the Brett Favre video, having spent the last 48 hours drinking away the memory (don't judge me), when I stumbled across an excerpt from Keith Richards' new book at Jezebel.com. Writing about Mick Jagger's relationship with Marianne Faithful, Richards explains that Marianne "had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he's got an enormous pair of balls - but it doesn't quite fill the gap." Dear Lord. Make it stop.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

"Hello, Kettle? This Is The Pot. You're Black."


"Dina is a lying, pathetic, scheming narcissist...If she thinks she has beat me, she's crazier than we all know...Can you tell that I am fed up with this lying, scheming poor excuse for a mother who only wants to live and benefit off her kids with no regard for their well being?" - Michael Lohan, in an "exclusive" rant to X17online. I assume he's referring to Dina's statements that Michael is lying about setting up a conservatorship for Lindsay. Poor Michael. He wants only what's best for his kids' well-being. That's why he talks to the press 100 times a day about Lindsay and fights family wars in public. Jackass. Excuse me -- jackasses. Dina is just as bad. I'm not even related to these two clowns and they make me want to do blow.

Ew Squared


"Just nasty stuff." - what an anonymous massage therapist says Brett Favre sent her via text messages. "Mandy," as she is being called at Deadspin.com, has come forward to say that both she and another massage therapist received unwelcome, sexual messages from the football player. This is on the heels of Deadspin's release of pushy, perverted messages that Favre sent to Jenn Sterger. What a tool (a married tool, I should add). Favre stands to lose several lucrative endorsements for violating conduct rules. And I stand to lose my lunch if the press publishes any more photos of Brett grabbing his penis for the camera. Blech.

Yeah, It's This Jerk Again


"We must stop pandering to the pornographers and perverts who seek to target our children and destroy their lives." - Carl Paladino, Republican candidate for governor of New York, in his speech this past Sunday. So, CPal doesn't like porn. Hmmm. That's not what his emails suggest. This morning, WNYMedia.net published several emails from Paladino to groups of cronies containing some pretty freaky porn, including one shot of a woman lactating onto a window and another of some frisky girl-on-girl action which Paladino called "awesome." Indeed. Let's get this straight: porn is bad unless it's his, and homosexuality is not a valid lifestyle unless the participants are hot lesbians. Got it.

Pally boy's emails are obviously NSFW, and WNYMedia.net is pretty jammed with traffic, so if you want to see the smut, you can do so here.

Of Course She Is

Kikster.com reports that Dina Lohan is shopping a reality show that will follow Lindsay after she's released from rehab. Oh, and she also has offered to several media outlets pics from her upcoming visit to Betty Ford with Lindsay's siblings. Nothing says "maternal devotion" like profiting from your kid's disease. Stay classy, Dina.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice, Volume 2


This is Taylor Momsen. She turned 17 in July. That's all.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Columns Are Back!



Before F-Bomb Café, there was Swakker Café, where columns were published weekly in addition to shorter, daily posts. And from now on columns will be published weekly in this space, too. If you want to read the others, you can find them here or by clicking on the word "column" in the labels. If you don't, well, that's cool, too.

The First Annual I-Hate-Halloween Column


I’ve never been a big fan of Halloween. For one thing, I don’t like candy, and, for another, I don’t like wearing costumes. Candy makes my teeth hurt, and costumes are uncomfortable, and wah wah wah wah: I’m a Halloween scrooge. There is also the fact that my birthday is November 1, so Halloween has always kind of hijacked my day. But of all the things that irritate me about Halloween, none yanks my chain more than all the girls running around half-naked in blatantly slutty outfits just because they can. Believe me, I’m all for tight jeans and bikinis, but let’s keep it above board, ladies. If you want to dress provocatively, do it and own it. Don’t try to fool us with that red spandex unitard that you picked because, no, really, this is how the Devil dresses. Just stop.

It used to be a simple rage. I have rolled my eyes at lingerie-clad French Maids and belly-bearing genies for as long as I can remember. I’ll admit I grew to sort of enjoy the predictability and the fodder. And then I saw this, at Jezebel.com:


It’s a sexy straightjacket! Yay! Because nothing says sexy like mental illness and restraints. "Hey boys! I can’t move or make decisions for myself; let’s have sex!" Hot. I followed Jezebel’s link to the source of the costume, Yandy.com, where I spent almost an hour marveling at the company’s wares (now who’s the fool?). Sexy Halloween costumes are no longer as simple as the Dirty Nurse and the Naughty Kitty. Oh no. Evidently, totally offensive and sexy are now synonymous. Either that or I am just cranky. Tough call, so I'll let you decide. To help you in your quest for the truth, I offer a smattering of Yandy’s sexiest Halloween trends:

Racial Fetishism: Asian costumes dominate this category. Yandy offers over ten Asian outfits, including “Japanese Doll,” “China Doll,” and the oh-screw-it-they-all-look-the-same “Sexy Asian Warrior,” seen here: 



In case Asian isn’t your thing, Yandy also has a delightful assortment of “Sexy Indians,” by which they mean "Sexy Indigenous People." Because racist stereotypes aren't totally sexy unless the name is offensive, too. I mean, everyone knows that.

Pedophilia: We are all familiar with the Sexy Schoolgirl get-up. But Yandy knows that LOTS of things about children are sexy. Just ask Miley! So, for those moms and dads who can’t get through a Disney movie without thinking about sex, Yandy offers the “Adult Belle” (from Beauty and the Beast) and the “Adult Snow White.”  Because putting the word “Adult” in front of the costume makes it way less creepy. But sometimes one wants to have sexual fantasies about a real child, not a fairy tale one, you know? Thankfully, to that end, Yandy sells the “Sexy Cookie Girl” costume:


“Hi! I’ll sell you my cookies and my cookie, big guy!” Awesome. I hope this one comes with a box of post-coital Thin Mints.

Literalism: Subtlety doesn’t work for everyone; sometimes a girl needs to spell it out. It’s important to advertise your sexual availability in no uncertain terms, ladies, because the ass cheek peeking out from under your skirt doesn’t always get the job done. Yandy has a few options in this category. It was tough to pick a favorite, and I’d like to give honorable mention to the costume called “Nurse May I. Kissit.” Still, as brilliant as that is, I have to give top honors to this one:



In case you can't read it, the top says "I love weiners." I’m sure you do, pumpkin. I’m sure you do.

Complete Sexual Deviance: Yandy doesn't discriminate. Just because you might be into some really freaky shiz doesn’t mean you can’t have a sexy Halloween. Yandy has a Sexy Cookie Monster and a Sexy Big Bird for the plushies out there; a Sexy Shower for the obsessive-compulsive clean freak; and this gem for the randy couch potato:



“Hey stud, you don’t even have to leave your Barcalounger. Just press my buttons, sailor!” This one isn't so much offensive as it is hilarious. Sexy. Remote. Control. Wow.

I could go on. For days. But I imagine you get the idea by now. Look, I'm not trying to overanalyze the Halloween costume industry, but...okay, yes I am. It's hard for me to watch what should be a creative and fun holiday become a showcase of dangerous messages about sex and objectification. Don't get me wrong: if you and your partner like to dress up as Bert and Ernie before you get it on, go for it. Behind closed doors, if everyone is game, do it. Have a blast. But think twice about the messages you send before you wear that stuff in public. Snuffleupagus will thank you.