Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In Preparation For The Inevitable



We'll be doing some site maintenance at F-Bomb Café today, which might result in light posting. We'll be back this afternoon, so, you know, don't panic or anything. And in case you just can't live without us, here's a column from last year's holiday season. I know, I know; we're recycling. But as I read blogs and mags this morning, I realized that it's once again the beautiful time of year when the media tries to stress you out about holiday weight gain so that a bunch of quack assholes can sell you diets. Nothing says celebrate like socialized bulimia! Yippee! So, with no further ado, let's talk Tracy Anderson, shall we? She's Gwyneth Paltrow's trainer. Enough said, right? Well, Imma say a little more, if I may...

(originally published January 2010)


If you live in this country, you know the media beats the New Year’s horse into the ground. Television and magazines love the easy sell of “The Year’s Best” whatever – moments, innovations, triumphs, celebrity feuds, makeovers. In my ongoing fight to keep print media alive (this is my weak and pathetic rationalization for continuing to read weak and pathetic publications), I bought my weekly Us Weekly this morning, the headline of which is “2010’s Diets That Work.” Yawn. I am not looking for a diet that works, incidentally, nor do I really believe that stars follow the diets associated with or attributed to them in print. But I rarely buy Us for the cover stories. I buy it for…well, don’t you worry about that. I buy it. It bothers me that magazines target people’s well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions by printing a bunch of nonsense about unrealistic and unhealthy approaches to weight loss, but clearly it doesn’t bother me enough to preclude my consumption of said magazines. But don’t worry: my hypocrisy was punished. I just read the most infuriating line of drivel ever to come from a resident of Los Angeles. Consider the weight of that superlative.

Inside this issue of Us is a 24-page assault of celebrity weight loss “secrets” (sshhhhh!), celebrity diets, and celebrity workout tips. One 2-page spread focuses on the approaches used and clients serviced by trainer Tracy Anderson. And the first statement in the article from Ms. Anderson is this one: “I can take any woman and turn her into this tiny ideal of perfection.”

I’m not sure where to begin.

“…tiny ideal of perfection.”

Did you read that? Honestly, I am beyond words with this one. Literally. I need to move on for now to the first part of her statement: “I can take any woman and turn her into…” I can’t even type the second part again. But – “any woman”? Really? Wow. Tracy Anderson has evidently stumbled onto the secret of reversing genetics. Strange that she chooses to use this knowledge for weight loss and not curing diseases, but I digress. Any woman! Did you hear that? No matter what your height, weight, or body type, Ms. Anderson can transform you into the ideal – and the ideal is apparently the same for everyone. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but apparently it is tiny and perfect. Sign me up! I guess if your ideal is not tiny and perfect, you need to find yourself another trainer.

Of course I had to read on and find out how Ms. Anderson accomplishes this amazing feat. Obviously, clients do a lot of working out. And, not surprisingly, the maintenance diet plan includes no pasta or bread or white carbs. But Anderson’s signature diet technique is the super-strict, 14-day regime she prescribes for trainees. Claims Anderson, “You’ll lose 5 pounds in a week and you won’t be tortured.” Hmm. I am pretty sure that losing more than 2 pounds a week is unsafe for most, but, hey, this woman can reverse genetics, so what do I know? What is this 2-week, not torture plan? It is “14 daily servings of foods pureed into the consistency of pudding.” It’s called the “Baby Food Cleanse.” Baby. Food. Cleanse.

I don’t know why Anderson thinks pureeing food will aid weight loss efforts, and I am not going to find out. I don’t care. I care that this woman gets a 2-page spread in a magazine to tell women to eat baby food for 2 weeks. Because feeling bad about your body is not soul-crushing enough. Oh no. Now you will eat baby food for 2 weeks. Perfect! Ideal! I hate Tracy Anderson. I hate her for making claims that will cause people without the resources to hire her to feel as if they have failed when their own efforts do not result in the “tiny ideal of perfection,” because I assure you only Tracy Anderson can completely alter someone’s body structure. I hate her because I don’t think she believes her own claims. I hate her because she is telling women to eat baby food.  Why don’t we just wire our jaws shut? Yippee! It’s a new year! Here’s to broken jaws and meals through straws! It’s 2010!

Tracy Anderson, you are a bad person. Also, you lie. Grrrrrr.


What's Better Than A Deviant Pervert? A Racist Deviant Pervert!


"No white women over the age of 25 unless you have a wicked getaway plan. Flash Asian women or Black women, Asian's [sic] are too embarrassed to call the cops and black women think it's funny." - from a thread on Dickflash.com. That's right. DICKFLASH. It's a website where men exchange tips on the best ways to masturbate in public, expose themselves, and rub their penises against unsuspecting women. But, you know, sometimes sexual abuse isn't offensive enough, so thankfully Dickflash has members like this one to break down victimization by race. Yay Internet!

Thanks to Jezebel.com for the heads-up. Ew. No pun intended. I swear.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Wherein I Consider Letter-Bombing This Dude's Office


"This didn't feel, however, like an opening night. Jenifer Ringer, as the Sugar Plum Fairy, looked as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many..." - New York Times chief dance critic Alastair Macaulay in his review of the New York City Ballet's performance of The Nutcracker. That's cool. Because ballet dancers never have body image issues, and, plus, as you can see in her picture here, Jenifer Ringer is a revolting heifer who deserves to have her weight criticized in a national newspaper. Oh wait -- did I mention that Jenifer has admitted to struggling with anorexia and bulimia? Oh yeah. Macaulay's review should help. I think it's time to retire, Alistair. I'm sure there's an assisted living community somewhere that specializes in housing insensitive assholes.

In the meantime, if you want to tell Mr. Macaulay how you feel about his "review," you can do so here.

Evidently God Had Money On Pittsburgh



"I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO." - Steve Johnson, of the Buffalo Bills, on Twitter yesterday. Stevie had hours earlier dropped what would have been the game-winning touchdown pass in Sunday's game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. And this is God's fault, evidently. I think if Steve is looking for the lesson here, it's that GOD DOESN'T CONTROL FOOTBALL GAMES. And while I'm not in contact with the Big Guy the way Butterfingers here is, I am pretty sure he doesn't love Kanye West-style, ALL CAPS insults ending in sarcastic dismissals via social media websites. But what do I know.

How The F*ck Did I Miss This?


Clearly, I was in the wrong city on Thursday, because the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was where all the action was. According to the New York Post, there was all sorts of girl drama aboard Miss USA's vessel when Miss New York Davina Reeves snuck past security and, in FULL PAGEANT GEAR, climbed onto Miss USA Rima Fakih's float and tried to take over. That's right. Beauty Queen mutiny! Here's how the Post tells it:

Reeves, wearing her Miss New York sash and crown, managed to claw her way onto Fakih's float and began waving enthusiastically signing autographs and waving to the crowd...Reeves hitched a ride for five blocks before Fakih's horrified handlers managed to persuade parade organizers to boot her pageant rival off the float...Paula Shugart, president of the Miss Univers organizatin, parent ofMiss USA, said "Miss New York wasn't invited and nobody had any idea how she got on the float."

This is amazing. All this story needs is some hair pulling, because beauty pageants aren't ridiculous enough. I think it's important to add some high school girlfighting and desperation to the mix. Because after a while all that objectification, superficiality, silicone, and talent-free posturing gets old, you know?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Hello? Redeeming Qualities? I Know You're In There Somewhere...


Here's the lovely Kim Zolciak. In case you've protected your senses from KZo until now, let's go over her, um, curriculum vitae, as it is:

She appears on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta."
She pretended to be a lesbian for a few weeks.
She has recorded two ear-bleed-inducing, soul-bruising singles, ""Tardy to the Party"" and "Google Me."
In this photo, she is three months pregnant and smoking a cigarette. In public.

This Thanksgiving weekend, I'm grateful that this hot mess with a complete disregard for both the future of society and the respiratory system of her baby is not my mother. You?

Photo courtesy of TMZ.com.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Bitch I Got A Prison Record, Bitch


"That was cute for her. Bitches like her do shit talk like that. Talk on ho; it's easy talk when them album sales ain't back yet. Since you talkin 'bout the history books, let's talk about the f*cking history books, damn it. Bitch I got a Grammy, bitch. I got number ones, sweetie. Source gave my last album 5 motherfucking mics, ho. What the f*ck they give you?" - rapper Li'l Kim, to H8terade Radio, in response to rapper Nicki Minaj's statement that Kim would go down in history as a "sore loser." See, Kimmie has been taking shots at music sensation Minaj for about a year now, declaring "war on Barbie rappers" and throwing fake Minaj heads into the audience at her concerts. When I first heard that last one, I thought, "Wait. People still pay to see Li'l Kim?" But that's besides the point. Anywho, Minaj has been mostly dilpomatic in her responses, but it seems LK doesn't like being called a loser. She prefers "Has Been," "Illiterate Guttermouth," "Plastic Surgery Victim," and "Convicted Felon." Just saying.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nothing Says Thanksgiving Like An F-Bomb


Happy Holidays! We'll be back on Friday!

The Hippocratic Oath Is For Sissies, Anyway


"I definitely think I should have been way more informed. I think that doctors should really walk you through all aspects of it, not just the glamorous side. Doctors, it's like they're selling you cookies or something." - Heidi Montag, in an ABC interview, referencing her 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day. Here's the scary thing ahout her statement: she makes...oh man, I can't believe I am going to write this... a good point. Stay with me. RadarOnline has published emails exchanged between Heidi Montag and Dr. Frank Ryan, the plastic surgeon who performed her procedures. The emails -- which Dr. Ryan often signed "XOXO" -- seem to support Heidi's recent allegation that he pushed her to have more procedures than she should. And on top of that, the dude was clearly asking Heidi to help make him famous. Dr. Ryan died in a car crash a few months ago, so, you know, I'll leave him alone. But the emails are super creepy for three reasons: they make a scary statement about medical ethics; they illuminate a dangerous effect of celebrity culture; and they prove that Heidi Montag actually said something worth listening to. Shudder. Here's a sample of Dr. Ryan's messages to Heidi:

Not sure if you are following me on twitter, but could you mention to your followers that they may want to follow me? My web guy keeps bugging me to get more active in twitter.

(After repeatedly asking her to come to his birthday party) I need the modern-day marilyn monroe to sing happy birthday to me like she did to JFK! :)

Let me know when you want some botox/juvederm.

Can you wear the dr frank ryan eco-spa wear along with a dr frank ryan T that day? They are perfect for lounging or yofa or working out etc. I will bring some with me so you can change into them, if you don't mind.

Now if you don't think Dr. Ryan's emails raise important issues, please consider the fact that I just wrote an entire post about Heidi Montag without saying "robot," "giant boobs" or "jackass." Scary shiz, people. Scary shiz.



Really, Paris? REALLY?


Everywhere I turn this morning I am assaulted with Paris Hilton's essentially naked ass. AGAIN. This tasty shot was taken yesterday in Los Angeles. So either she's so colossally stupid that she hasn't learned from all the OTHER times we've seen her bits, or she flashes the paps on purpose. Moronic or disgusting...hmmm...tough to say. I'm going to go out on a limb and say both. And now I have to go clean the vomit off my chin. Happy Humpday!

I Heard She's Into The Kinky Stuff, Too


"Disney Consumer Products designed the special Minnie Mouse character art and style guide especially for modern fashionistas, just like Forever 21's customers. The style is fresh and portrays Minnie Mouse in a whole new way -- leggy, modern and glamorous." - from a press release announcing the new Minnie Mouse, whom Disney made over for clothing retailer Forever 21. That's new Minnie in the picture. She's a pants-free fashionista with a BMI of 16 who goes by the name Minnie Muse. Awesome. I can't wait until they open the new Mickey and Minnie Meth Rehab facility at Epcot. See you there, Miley!


Thanks to Jezebel.com for the heads up.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Hope "Drinking Bleach With The Stars" Is Next



Last night, "Skating With The Stars" premiered. I tried to ignore the press and previews for the show, but, as it turns out, SWTS isn't just your ordinary hour of famewhores and hasbeens on parade. Oh no. Rather, it's a cataclysmic meeting of soul-crushing vortexes. To wit, check out the clip above to watch Bethenny "Taste Everything Eat Nothing" Frankel move around the ice like Bristol "My Mom's Pimping Me Out" Palin on the dance floor all while Kate "You Won't Go To heaven" Gosselin applauds from the audience. I was surprised to see Kate in the studio, but I guess there's a lot less homework to be done now that two of her kids have been expelled from school. Anywho, in that one moment, when shimmying Bethenny evoked shimmying Bristol while being cheered on by shimmying Kate, I looked Satan in the face, acknowledged his power, and died inside. But really -- you should watch the clip. It's kind of funny, too, in an "Oh shit it's the apocalypse" sort of way.

I Wonder Who's Going To Throw Her Opportunity Shower


"Kim knows that having this baby represents a great opportunity and she is already in talks about her own reality show spinoff starring [babydaddy] Kroy. Obviously this would represent a real problem for Real Housewives of Atlanta because they wanted her baby and any wedding for their show, so, at the end of the day, it will all come down to money." - a "source" tells PerezHilton.com that Real Housewife and expectant mother Kim Zolciak is looking to land her own reality show. Of course she is. I hope KZo and Kroy remember to tell their offspring the heartwarming story of his conception: "Well, honey, you represented a great opportunity, and it all came down to the money." Who doesn't love a sweet story like that? Shucks.

By "Sensation" They Mean "Tool"


"I didn't mind the attention from pretty girls. But then if I got attention from unattractive girls, it just felt kind of cheap." - Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, telling GQ magazine about his pre-Jersey Shore job as a stripper. GQ named The Sitch their "Sensation of the Year." Toolio also told the mag, "I always had dreams my whole life, of being somebody special. Someone out there in the world that everybody knew of and everybody liked." Aw, that's sweet. Good luck with that, Punkin. You're off to a great start.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My Own Personal Jesus


"Oh, you're getting fu*king arrested. I'm not leaving your side. My plans are done for the night. I'm escorting you to the police station. Oh yes. Oh fu*king yes...Where is the fu*king conductor?!" - the unidentified BADASS woman in the video above, after some dude on the subway pressed his exposed but condom-wrapped penis up against her. Yup. Happens more than you might think. But, man oh man, public indecency and sexual assault were soooo much easier before Youtube, weren't they? Anyway, I'd like to congratulate this woman, not only for her refusal to be simply victimized by this creep, but also for her outstanding invocation of the F-Bomb.

If The STD Fits...


"He was calling me a whore a lot." - Capri Anderson, the prostitute whom Charlie Sheen hired and then allegedly terrorized in his hotel room back in October, to ABC News. Okay, no one deserves to be treated the way Capri claims to have been, regardless of her profession, and Charlie Sheen is a total ass. But, um, I dunno, this one complaint of hers seems a little silly. She also told ABC that Sheen "seemed like a very egotistical person," so clearly she is chock-full of startling stories. Capri is going to file a criminal complaint against Chuckie today, and she plans refuse any money she makes off selling this story. Ha. Not really. I made that last part up.

I Guess Jay-Z Thinks He's Tough Now


Hey, so you know Jay-Z? Turns out he shot his own brother when he was 12. True story. According to Jay's new memoir, "Decoded,"  his bro was a crack addict who kept stealing Jay's stuff to buy drugs. So Jay shot him. When he was 12. In between dodging stray bullets in his Bedford-Stuyvesant housing project. Says the music mogul, "It was terrible. I was a boy, a child. I was terrified." Yeah, well, once when I was 12 I smoked a Marlboro Light next to the train tracks in suburban Boston. Now who's bad?

Holy Snoozefest, Batman


So, I was going to write an entire American Music Awards wrap-up last night, but then I watched the show. It was so boring that I fell asleep sitting up and woke this morning with a "Justin Bieber" tattoo on my ankle. But for those of you who want a summary, JBieb was the night's big winner, Pink isn't too pregnant to dance, Rihanna has given up pants, and Fergie's cleavage will kick your ass. Good morning!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Happy Sunday!


Here's Paris Hilton, clad in high heels and skinny jeans, painting over graffiti as part of her community service obligation from that pesky she-thought-it-was-gum-but-it-was-cocaine incident.  Just a little gift, from me to you.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin Wants You To Know They Kill Babies In Europe


I know; I know. There's been a lot of Palin talk here lately. What can I say? She's just a gift that keeps on giving. As such, it's hard to pick a favorite leaked excerpt from her new book, America By Heart. I mean, it's really hard. The Washington Post has a list of the top contenders, and you should definitely read them all. You'll laugh. You'll cry. It'll be just like Glee, I promise. Anyway, after an agonizing internal deliberation process, I hereby present my favorite SPal pearl of crazy, in which Sexy Sarah talks about the movie Juno and her appreciation for its "subversive moral messages":

"A European movie might have had Juno get her abortion in the opening scene and then spend the next hour and fifteen minutes smoking cigarettes and pondering the meaning of life. It would have been depressing and boring."


Now, for all of you who think Palin is an idiot, let me ask you this: Can YOU create a piece of pro-life, xenophobic propaganda in two sentences? I didn't think so.

Do You Like Root Beer? Elbows Are Weird!


"Yesterday was fun! I love the color pink :) -" - Paris Hilton on Twitter yesterday. That's the whole tweet. Did I mention she has a billion dollars, and you don't. Gooooooood morning!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Four Minutes And Twenty-Four Seconds Of Soul Crushing Terror




I'm hot
I'm hot
I'm like an ice cream cone with a cherry on top...


You can't replace or crowd my space
So step off bitch or I'll punch your face...


This is a sample of the lyrical genius from the new, uh, rap single "I'm Hot" by Angelina Pivarnick, the long-suffering Guidette formerly of Jersey Shore. At first I was confused -- I mean, how is an ice cream cone "hot?" But then I remembered that sometimes you just have to let art flow over you. So, if the esoteric lyrics aren't enough to hook you, no worries; you won't be able to resist Angelina's autotuned spoken-word performance over a Bollywood beat from some dude's Casio keyboard. It's hot. It's hot. Listening to it makes me wanna get shot. Enjoy!

One More Reason to Hate Twitter, Volume 2


"Ah yes...Bristol-the-diva! Silly critics! See her diva-ish-ness Sunday, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" 2 learn truth, before assuming. Thanks & enjoy!" - Sarah Palin on Twitter yesterday. Wow, SPal managed to reference her daughter's exploitation AND plug her shitstorm - I mean show - in 140 characters! Mama Grizzly's got mad skills! What a tool.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Apple, Tree, Doesn't Fall Far, Blah Blah Blah


Radaronline reports that Darlene Egelhoff, Heidi Montag's estranged mother, is charging $5000 for motivational speaking engagements (plus expenses). Ummm...okay. Evidently, Egelhoff's speeches mirror the content of her blog, Metamorphosis of a Mother, with topics that include "Perfect You," "Cutting the Chord," and "Sunshine In Your Heart." Sounds great. And as if the idea of paying to hear the mom of a plastic surgery-addicted famewhore spew nonsense isn't absurd enough, here's a sample of the inspirational messages at Darlene's blog:

I don't have the strength to hold up my heavy head. I also don't have the strength to hold in my emotions any longer, I begin sobbing. Knowing I am alone I very dramatically roll out of my chair collapse onto the floor around me, after a while I'm empty, I feel numb, I can't think straight or even think at all.

Motivational indeed! Only $5000, people! Book her now!

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 9


"Now I'm pimpin' Line 2/And the killer app it is/My legal fees are paid/By the dot com biz." - part of a rap song performed by Steven Slater, the former Jet Blue employee who risked the safety of thousands of people by premeditating and executing a stunt intended to garner him fame -- which also garnered him a court mandated stay in rehab. And because the world has gone mad, a cell phone app company called Line 2 has paid Slater to record a rap song. And I start doing warm shots of vodka in 3...2...1...

Oh, if you want to hear the song and watch Slater rap, well, that's your own private hell. You can see it here.

Hey, X17, Suck It.


"Except for a teeny bit of cellulite on her legs, Lindsay Lohan looked gorge again heading to an alcohol education class in Palm Desert today after a gym workout." - the first line of a post at X17online, accompanied by the pic you see here. Okay, Lindsay has done some crazy shiz, but come ON. First of all, the girl is in rehab; maybe take it easy on her for a while? Secondly, "except for a teeny bit of cellulite...after a gym workout"???!!!! Who WORKS at this website? Bethenny Frankel?? And, look, nutty though she has been, anyone with Michael and Dina Lohan as parents deserves nothing but empathy and kindness for the rest of her life. Well, until she does something really funny. No, I'm kidding. Maybe.

Yeah, That's Just The Syphilis


"...the pain in my soul is more complex and unsettling." - Tiger Woods, in an essay he has written for Newsweek magazine about the last year of his life. To be fair, the excerpts of the essay featured in The Washington Post are articulate, thought provoking, and even moving. So, you know, kudos to the employee who wrote them. Just saying.

WORLD IN CRISIS!


"You may not be a fan of the show or even Bristol but I firmly believe her continued success on the show demonstrates the power of the tea party." - from a member's post at FreeRepublic.com, referring to Bristol Palin's seemingly unwarranted success on Dancing with the Stars. That's right. Bristol's success on a craptastic competition dancing reality show demonstrates the power of the tea party. That should help the rest of us take them more seriously, for sure. Oh, and the post is titled "FReep DWTS! Make liberal heads explode and vote for Bristol Palin tonight you don't need to watch." Is your head exploding yet? What's even better -- or worse (same difference) -- is that, though I may mock, it seems some other non tea-partiers are moved to arms by Bristol's two-step and tango triumphs. Jezebel.com reports that DWTS will be changing its voting system next season because there is such anger over Bristol beating Brandy on Tuesday; Jimmy Kimmel called Brandy's elimination "an outrage" on his show this week; and Brandy's partner Maksim complained to E! News that "this season has just been ridiculous since day one." Because it was not at all ridiculous before this, Max. Not at all. What a bunch of clowns.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

No She Did NOT!


Here's Bethenny Frankel holding up the customized onesie she created for her infant daughter, Bryn, at CafePress.com. The onesie says "Future Skinnygirl." "SkinnyGirl" is the name of Bethenny's low-cal food and beverage business, and she explains, "I hope to raise Bryn to value a healthy lifestyle as I do. I have so much fun dressing her, and this outfit is extra special since it was designed with love by mommy." Fine. Give whatever canned soundbite you want, Frankel, but the fact is that you are putting a shirt on your BABY that says "FUTURE SKINNYGIRL." No pressure, though, Bryn. Um, I'll speak for the kid here and say, "F*ck off, Mommy."

Thanks again to Jezebel.com for the find.

Well, Those Salsa Stains Are Stubborn!


"In the Hispanic community, a clean home is a happy home, but during the holidays, it is critical for the home to be reluciente -- or sparkling clean!" - the first line of a PRESS RELEASE from CLOROX, INC. Sorry to yell, but take this one for a ride: Clorox commissioned a study on...wait for it..."the housekeeping lessons and cleaning routines shared between generations of Latinas." Among the findings were the following:

  • Music is an integral part of the cleaning routine with Spanish pop being the favorite playlist among 53 percent.
  • More than half of Latinas prefer certain elements of old fashioned cleaning, such as washing dishes by hand instead of with a dishwasher, mopping the floors with a regular mop or by hand. Most preferred this old-fashioned approach because it's what they are used to and plus it was "a better clean."

Okay, I don't know what type of crazy racial profliling/marketing strategy Clorox is working on, but let's applaud them for their colossal lack of cultural sensitivity and, more importantly, for helping to reinforce stereotypes. Oh, and, to the geniuses at Clorox, "Hispanic" and "Latina" are not interchangeable. Now, because I'm Italian, I have to go make lasagna and put a hit on somebody. Adios.

Thanks to Jezebel.com for the heads up.

A Player's Gotta Play


So, Eva Longoria Parker has filed for divorce from her French, basketball player husband, Tony Parker. Snore. The last 24 hours have had blogs in a state of panic, first with the report the couple had split, then reports they hadn't, then reports they were going to because Tony has been sexting some other woman, and then the confirmation today that Eva had, in fact, filed. Whew. Look, I wasn't married to either of them (I swear), so I have no idea what went down between those two. I do know that some the country was damn near holding a vigil for the marriage, with Perez Hilton going so far as to beg, "Time for an official statement, please! No sense getting everyone all depressed about a broken marriage if there really isn't one!" Depressed? Really? Let me tell you what's depressing: listening to Gwynnie massacre Cee-Lo's song on Glee last night. A couple of childless rich people breaking up? Um, not so much.

By "Centered" She Means "Ridiculous"


"Toni Braxton's broke - but not broken. A month after filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy again - claiming up to $50 million in unpaid debts - the singer tells UsMagazine.com she's doing fine...'I've just started Pliates classes with a machine and the classes have been helping me feel a little more centered.'" - from UsMagazine.com's story on Toni Braxton's amazing survival skills in the midst of her SECOND bout of bankruptcy. Braxton explains that she and her two young sons are planning a "no-frills" holiday season, with all gifts under ten dollars. In the meantime, Braxton is working hard on attending Hollywood parties. Gearing up for the "Bag Ladies" auction, Braxton says, "I heard there was a Birkin bag they were auctioning off. I have two already, but I kind of want to see."

Pilates classes: $75 a session
Birkin Bags: $30,000 each
Proving to the world that you are a total jackass: Priceless

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 2


"It wasn't bad sex...It was quick and painless. Nothing exciting." - the inexplicably revolting Jasmine Waltz, to Life&Style magazine. Jasmine is referring to her short affair with David Arquette following his separation from Courteney Cox. I'm not sure what kind of sex Jazzy is used to that she needs to indicate that shagging DArq was "painless," but I do know that she's "dated" everyone from Doug Reinhart to Ryan Seacrest to Jesse McCartney. Want to know how to score yourself a date with the lovely Jasmine? Here's how David did it: "...after her shift ended, he took her to a house party. They both got very drunk, Jasmine says, and left the party around 2:30 a.m...Once they were alone, David was intent on having sex." Sounds awesome. Keep up the good, uh, work, Jasmine! (You too, Life&Style!)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Feel Your Pain, Brother


"Cowan was upset that a political figure's daughter was on the show when he didn't think she was a good dancer, the complaint states." - from an article in the Wisconsin State Journal. It seems that Bristol Palin's bad dancing enraged Steven Cowan, 66, who shot up his TV when Bristol's routine started. I'm not kidding. The article explains, "Allegedly set off by Bristol Palin's appearance on 'Dancing With The Stars,' a rural Black Earth man kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours Monday and Tuesday before he surrendered to police." It seems that Mr. Cowan was also "under stress from a financial situation and was receiving care for a mental health problem." Really? Because Homey sounds perfectly sane to me. No, seriously, the dude is nuts, Bristol is tragic, and we all need to think long and hard about gun control. For real.
Thanks to Jezebel.com for the link.

In Other News, Dubya and Ke$ha Are Dating


"Happy birthday @Sn00ki!" - the message that Senator  and DADT supporter John McCain left on Twitter yesterday for Snooki. Johnny's and Snooki's love affair began when the Guidette told Meghan McCain that she voted for her dad because he's "cute," and McCain later said that Snooki was "too good looking to go to jail." Now it's so serious that McCain takes time off from oppressing homosexuals to send the reality TV star birthday wishes -- which is cool. Because everyone knows that talentless famewhores whose shows support misogyny and alcoholism are good and people who want to both serve their country and love whom they want are bad. Duh.

Take A Sip Of The Future King And Queen. Yum!


By now I'm sure you've heard that Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton. There seem to be a few stories about it in the American media. But what you might not know is that instead of that paper Starbucks cup, you could be drinking your vodka, I mean coffee, out of the Commemorative Wills and Kate Engagement Mug! Show the world your excitement over the betrothal of two strangers who are part of an outdated sovereignty! Get yours now!

Wherein I Throw Up In My Mouth


"Maybe the secret is I know how to satisfy a woman. Has that ever occurred to you?...If I had my own pad and was a bachelor in New York, I wouldn't be lonely. It'd be party night." - Chris Wallace, an anchor at Fox News, to radio host Mike Gallagher. Gallagher joked that Wallace's wife was a saint for putting up with him, and Wallace got all chest-beating gorilla on his ass. Oh, and then he suggested that Gallagher call a hooker, despite Gallagher's attempts to keep the interview on track. Did I mention Wallace is a NEWS ANCHOR? Yeah. So, if you haven't lost your breakfast yet, you can hear the barftastic conversation below. Stay classy, Fox News. And as for you, Gallagher, me thinks the man doth protest too much. Just saying.

The Nine Year-Old Looks Pretty Slutty, Too


"Willow Palin - Will Sarah's Daughter Be The Next Teen Mom?" - a headline at the totally ridiculous HollywoodLife.com. The post goes on to point out that Willow, sister to teen mom Bristol, is "an incredibly beautiful girl and very popular with the young men...It seems like with mom's busy schedule and a lack of supervision Willow could very well end up in the same boat as Bristol." Yup. That's exactly how it happens. She might as well start shopping for maternity clothes now. Let's hear it for Bonnie Fuller, the website's editor -- because nothing says journalistic integrity than labeling an adolescent girl promiscuous. Jackass.

Monday, November 15, 2010

HAAAA HAHAHA HA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!


"...it's scriptural, too, where it says, 'He will turn your mourning into dancing.'" - Sarah Palin, explaining to People magazine that her daughter Bristol's appearance on Dancing with the Stars is a biblical matter. Yeah it is. Remember the first week when abstinence-preaching-teenage-mom Bristol danced to the song "Momma Told Me Not to Come?" There's your proof right there. There's nothing God loves more than a good cum/come joke.

Several Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post


Here's Kim Kardashian yesterday, wearing 2 different furs in one 56-degree day in New York City. Because, even when it's unseasonably warm, nothing says "I'm a total douche" like wearing the skin of a defenseless, tortured animal to film your indefensible, torturous reality show.

Just In Case Your Boss Can't See Your Computer Screen


For those of you who are new to the blog, here's some long form snark you might have missed. And for those of you who have been around for a while, a new column will be posted tomorrow. Try to contain yourselves.

From The Files of "No Duh," Edition 10.0


"Drugged Up Jeremy London Wasn't Really Kidnapped, Claims New Witness" - this morning's "Exclusive" story at Radaronline.com. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Jeremy London Caper of 2010, let me get you up to speed (pun intended): Back in June, actor Jeremy London, formerly from 7th Heaven and currently from Celebrity Rehab, alleged that he was kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to smoke crack. It was one hell of a coincidence, considering Jeremy lost custody of his son because of drug problems and was being randomly drug tested at the time of the "kidnapping." Regardless, cops had to take JLo's accusations seriously because, you know, that's how we do things in this country with all of our fairness and shiz. But now the shocking witness account reveals that Jeremy just might have chosen to do drugs with the alleged kidnappers. Says Debra Davis, "He wanted meth and said he had no money left, so we drove him to get money at an ATM...he hung and did drugs." WHAT?! NO!!!!! There is no way that a deadbeat dad drug addict made up an entire story about being forced to party. There is no way a black man is being held in an American jail on $500,000 bail for a crime he did not commit. I hope Jeremy London sues everyone involved for this vicious and slanderous suggestion. Oh the humanity!

Famewhore Says What?


"It's hard not to be." - Rachel Uchitel, Tiger's #1 mistress, when told by a reporter that she is "much prettier" than Tiger's other lady friends. The interview, in Britain's Daily Mail, is full of Rachel's characteristic and offensive hypcorisy. To wit, here are a few highlights from the piece:

On Men:
"I never needed any man's money"
"I have always been looking for the perfect man. I wanted a man who would marry me, give me the house and children I long for."

On Famewhoreness:
"I am not a whore, nor am I a girl impressed by money or fame."
"'I still have my little black book, and it has 5000 men in there who are pretty much the men who run the world,' she says grandly."

On Her Image:
"I'm only telling my story now so that people can discover what sort of girl I am...I never set out to hurt anyone."
"...She reveals she has gained a sense of humor...before calling Tiger's lover Mindy Lawton 'poor Mindy' (referring to her looks) and adding about cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs: 'The poor girl had a tooth missing. Honestly! She was toothless!'"

Rachel Uchitel, ladies and gentlemen: gracious, kind, and classy as ever. Cheers, RayRay! You're an American hero.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

I Hope The New York Times Picks Up This Story!


"Mayor Bloomberg's daughter dumped by boyfriend days after fall from horse"- the title of a story in the New York Post. And, no, it's not a Page Six gossip item. It's a freaking INTERVIEW in the NEWS section with Georgina herself in which she whines about her ex, who ended it with her right after she broke a vertebrae after falling off her horse. The 27 year-old millionaire heiress says, "I'm really surprised anyone would be so insensitive as to do it while I am down and out. It was pretty shocking because I thought he was a really nice guy...Anytime you open up to someone and you choose to trust them and include them in your life, and they turn around and say they don't want to be a part of it - that sucks." Yeah, it sure does. You know what else sucks, GBloo? When you open up to someone and choose to trust them and then they use their daddy's governmental post to convince a "newspaper" to let them take up half a page calling you a prick to the world because they're emotionally immature and have no sense of appropriate behavior. Anyway, attention, boys! She's single!

But Gay Marriage Is The Real Threat


These are 6 of the 8 headlines currently displayed at Usmagazine.com:

PIC: See Jessica Simpson's Stunning Engagement Ring!
EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Simpson, Eric Johnson Are Engaged
EXCLUSIVE: LeAnn Rimes' Ex Dean Sheremet is Engaged
Leann Rimes Gives Ex Dean Sheremet Her Marital Blessing
Billy Ray Cyrus Flips Out When Asked About Split
Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt to Renew Wedding Vows

Thank goodness we heteros are keeping the institution of marriage sacred.

It's Called Self-Defense, People


"I screamed like I was being murdered. They just kept looking at me like it was their car. I felt trapped. I was so scared." - Gina Guaragno, 23, of Staten Island. Gina is one of the many residents of the Ocean Breeze community who have been terrorized by a pack of wild turkeys. According to The New York Daily News, the turkeys are tying up traffic, pooping all over town, and just generally scaring people.  Awesome. Seems to me the birds have a little, um, axe to grind over the upcoming Thanksgiving turkey slaughter. If I were you, I'd consider pasta on November 25. Just saying.

Modern Cocaine-ily


Here's Modern Family's Julie Bowen on Conan this week. She appears to be naked from the waist down, calls one of her sons fat and stupid but cute, wriggles around in her seat like she has hemorrhoids, and looks several times as if she is going to jump right onto Conan's desk. Methamphetamines, nerves, or psychosis? You decide.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I Hope She's Not "Sort Of Pregnant"


"...the incident was partly consensual." - from a report at Triblocal.com about the charges brought against 17 year-old male student in Evanston, Illinois, who had sex with a 14 year-old girl in their school's bathroom. The report doesn't provide many details on the incident but explains that the young man will be charged with misdemeanor sexual abuse rather than felony sexual abuse because, according to Cmdr. Tom Guenther of the Evanston Police Department, the victim, uh, consented a little. Okay, so, I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but what the F**K is "partly consensual" sex? Navigating sexual messages and mores isn't confusing enough for a teenager these days, right? Let's add fractional increments of rape to the equation. Brilliant. Keep up the good work, EPD!

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 8


"They were clearly men -- they were not wearing skirts." - Mark Hendrick, of Lancashire, England's City Council, explaining why the Council has decided to change the previously re-named "gingerbread people" back to "gingerbread men" on primary school menus. What an important executive decision! Thank goodness Lancashire focuses on the real issues, because bakery nomenclature is the civil rights crisis of our generation. I'm not sure what's dumber, the debate over the name or the explanation - I do know that this Mark guy is a jackass.

Thanks to Jezebel.com for the link. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

Homosexual Teen Quarterback?! RUN! HIDE YOUR KIDS!


"Teen Nick boasted that Kodak was the sponsor of their show Degrassi: The Next Generation and aired dozens of their advertisements just before Kodak received thousands of e-mails regarding the program's irresponsible content...[which] targets teens with gay propaganda and other immoral behavior." - David Caton, of the Florida Family Association, bragging that his organization's complaints are the reason that Kodak pulled its ads from "Degrassi." Here's some of what the FFA objects to about the show (from their website):


TeenNick.com reports the following “Notable Events” about Riley Stavros, the homosexual teen quarterback:
* Kissed Zane outside Above the Dot
* Became friends with Peter; tried to kiss him
* Hooked up with an old camp friend in the woods
* Tried steroids; injured Sav in a violent rage; stopped taking them
* Had a crush on his openly gay swim coach, Sam
* Punched Sam when Sam tried to talk to him about being gay
* Was told by Sam that he doesn't have to come out until he's ready
* Confided in Peter that he's not "confused"; he's gay
* Confided in Anya that he's gay after she caught him checking out Zane at yoga
* Went on a date with Zane, but abandoned him to a security guard when they got caught trespassing on a construction site
* With Peter's encouragement, went to an LGBT mixer at Above the Dot to find Zane

Oh. My. God. You mean Riley actually confided in friends that he is gay????? OUTRAGE! Kodak has, in fact, pulled their ads from Degrassi, but a spokesperson from the company maintains that the pull is part of a planned break and that ads will resume on the show next week. I sure hope that's the case, Ko-diddy-dak. I mean, not that you need to worry about being relevant -- your brand and its film for cameras are so 2010. But, here's the thing: Lady Gaga is one of Kodak's creative directors. You know she won't stand for this crap. Meat dress, maybe. Homophobia, no way. Just saying. Watch your backs, Kodak. 

Case in Freakin' Point


As you may know, I like to give Taylor Momsen a hard time -- I mean, just take a look here. But as with Miley and Lindsay and Britney before them, the real targets of my rage are her parents, neither of whom seems to have an issue with their 17 year-old talking porn in interviews, flashing her boob at audiences, and setting her dog's testicles on fire (oh, yeah -- it's all there at the link). And now, from the mouths of babes, we have this from young Taylor herself (courtesy of Starpulse):

Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?' My parents signed me up with Ford [modeling] agency at the age of two. No 2 year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice...My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn't have friends. I was working constantly and I didn't have a real life.

And there it is. I really, really -- i mean REALLY -- want to make a joke now, because, well, that's what I do. But, DUDES. This is just nothing but sad. How is it that Hollywood manages to spin a cry for help into a marketable image? And the fact that a 17 year-old needs to explain this to anyone, least of all her parents and producers, all of whom allow her to generate income for them by acting out of her adolescent sadness, is a tragedy by definition. I'M TALKING TO YOU KATE GOSSELIN (I've given up on Jon).

Okay, we will now resume our regularly scheduled, condescending snark.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

This Dude Might Be Slightly Overpaid


Last night, the New Jersey Devils played the Buffalo Sabres. At the end of the game, the Devils were trailing by one goal and needed a shootout score to stay in the game. Enter Ilya Kovalchuk, the winger whom the Devils signed this summer to a $100 million contract. Watch the video above and then say it to yourself: "ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS." I'm no sports expert, but I'm pretty sure one should make contact with the puck for that paycheck, no? Just asking.

In A Sea Of Outrage, This Is My Lifeboat Of Awesomeness


"Whether you want to get on a reality TV show, write a book, start and run a business, or change careers, this inspiring evening with a woman who has 377,000 online followers will get you going in the right direction." - the promotional blurb for a seminar at the Learning Annex in Manhattan. The seminar will be hosted by Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and will allegedly teach you "how to have it all" for just $44.95. Judging by Teresa's accomplishments, one can assume "having it all" includes  $11 million in bankruptcy, a child you are forcing into show business, a husband who followed jail time with an affair, table-flipping skills, and a big ol' set of fake boobies. All for $44.95! Sign me up!

WHAT THE F**KING F**KITY F**K F**K?????!!!!!


"Gwyneth Paltrow Packs on Pounds, Then Slims Down" - the title of a feature at...wait for it...ABC News's online HEALTH page. THIS IS NEWS. HEALTH NEWS. The entire feature is a slideshow of celebrities before and after weight losses or gains. And most of the time, the pics are nearly identical (see above). In addition to pointing out an invisible 20 pound change in Gwynnie, the story makes these other newsworthy celebrity body assessments:

"Christina Aguilera has packed on some pounds..."
Damn childbirth. Babies are such vanity-killing need machines, aren't they?

"Neve Campbell looked quite heavier as she enjoyed a vacation in Hawaii..."
How can she possibly enjoy herself with all that FAT? 

"[Sarah Rue's] weight loss is perfectly timed for trying on dresses for her upcoming wedding."
Phew. Only skinny people look good in wedding dresses. Duh.

If you would like to tell ABC News that this is not only news-free but is also a decidedly unHEALTHy article, they welcome your feedback here. Even if you don't want to do it for Gwyneth (Lord knows I don't), or for the future of news in our country, or as a strike against dangerous media messages, do it for the fun of calling bullshit on ABC. Or at least to stop the slow leak in my brain that started the minute I saw this nonsense. Please.

By "Honoring" She Means "Capitalizing On"


"This book will be my way of celebrating and honoring her extraordinary life and career." - Sharon Murphy, Brittany Murphy's mom, in a statement sent to E! News. "I'm looking forward to everyone reading the accurate account about my daughter, her life, loves and career," says the woman whose daughter died of pneumonia and prescription drug misuse at 32 and who then decided to sleep in the same bed with said daughter's widower until he died the same way. Please, really, write a book and tell us all about it. Gross.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

What A Heifer


"Lady Gaga Reveals Her Fuller Figure Onstage" - the title of a post today at X17online. The post is accompanied by the photo you see here of a decidedly NORMAL SIZED WOMAN. Oh, and sorry, X17, but RadarOnline broke the story of Lady Gaga's enormity back in October. So on top of being misogynistic assholes who promote unhealthy ideas about weight and perpetuate body image problems among young girls everywhere, you're also just late. And nice try with the whole "we love her all the same/healthier than skin and bones" shtick. The headline really says it all.
One more thing: F**K YOU. Grrrrrr.