Quick and Dirty

Wasted away again in Margaritaville: Jimmy Buffett is in stable condition at a hospital in Australia after falling from the stage at his concert. Some audience members blame a "huge flash of light" for blinding Jimmy and causing his fall; others believe JBuf was trying to jump from the stage when he misjudged the distance and fell. And SOME people think that there's a wo-man to blame...but he knows it's his own damn fault. [TMZ]

Speaking of people who weren't at all drunk: After pictures and video of Jessica Simpson stumbling out of hip Hollywood eatery Katsuya hit the Interwebs yesterday, a "friend" of JSimp's claims that Jess "had just finished a cleanse and this was the first meal she had eaten in days," resulting in an unexpected sake-to-blood ratio. Mm-hmm. Physically dangerous and overhyped cleanse: $150. Dinner at trendy restaurant: $250. Pounding shots of sake and then pretending to be your own "friend" to make excuses for your booziness: priceless. [The New York Post]

Ohhhh. Then it's not at all offensive: Remember last year when Sandra Bullocks's husband Jesse James was cheating on her with all manner of flora and fauna and then photos surfaced of him dressed as a Nazi? Yes? Good times. Well, Us Weekly has obtained more photos of Jesse celebrating Nazism  -- just in time to punctuate JJ's engagement to the lovely (choke) Kat Von D! But don't get it wrong: Jesse doesn't hate Jews. No, no. An insider explains that "The swastika deal is to scare people. It's part of biker culture." Well, in that case, JJ, please resume mocking the death of 6 million people to compensate for your small penis. Mazel Tov! [HuffPost]

Oh no! Unconditional love! LOOK AWAY! LOOOOK AWAY!!!!! Grocery store chain Harps, which boasts 60 locations in Oklahoma, Missouri, and Arkansas, has blocked the Us Weekly cover photo of Elton John, his husband David Furnish, and their newborn baby son, Zachary, from shoppers' eyes. The store placed a "family shield" over the photo "to protect young Harps shoppers." Thank god. Two people choosing to create and nurture a life together despite unjust societal obstacles is no kind of image for children. Shudder! Hey Harps: F*CK YOU. [Jezebel]

Can't I just hate "Glee" in peace?: Glee's creator, Ryan Murphy, says that he plans to tighten the reins on the show's sexuality out of respect for younger viewers. Speaking about a recent masturbation scene, Murphy told The Hollywood Reporter, "I personally did not think it was too much, but I immediately heard from parents and even my gay friends who were like, 'I wasn't comfortable knowing that my 8-year-old niece in Maryland was watching that. From now on, I will sweat every single word and how we're presenting it...I think all parties involved learned a lesson about how parents look to the show as something inspirational and aspirational. We all realized that we have to be a little more careful when it comes to sexuality." Wait, wait, wait. Is he, like, taking responsibility and accepting accountability and caring about the messages his show sends to kids? Stop it right now, Ryan Murphy. Stop it. Don't go and get all respectable on me. No matter how well you conduct yourself, those musical numbers still make me want to drink bleach. So there. Hmmph. [HuffPost]

Backhanded Compliments, Volume Three

Walmart is getting healthy! According to The New York Times, the company has announced a 5 year plan to "make thousands of its packaged foods lower in unhealthy salts, fats and sugars, and to drop prices on fruits and vegetables." The plan is a result of ongoing talks between the country's leading retail chain and First Lady Michelle Obama. This is great. I mean, go to a Walmart -- particularly one in an economically depressed area -- and you'll find the problem of national obesity screaming at you from the shelves. There is barely any produce, most of the prepared food is processed beyond recognition, and more healthful items, such as whole-grain foods, are prohibitively expensive compared to less healthful options. All to say, this initiative is a huge step in the right direction for the inarguably influential chain. Now if they could just address their egregious labor practices, affinity for censorship, and suburban sprawl culpability, I might stop sending them hate mail.

This brings a tattooed teardrop to my cheek: Jesse James, indiscriminately philandering ex-husband of Sandra Bullock, is engaged to Kat Von D of "LA Ink." Jesse tells People magazine that "2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Awww. Wittle Jesse feels like the "world turned their backs" on him. That's so sad. Maybe it was the Nazi photos, you jackass. Anyway, congratulations. I can say with no sarcasm that these two appear to be made for each other. Mazel tov.

Another Palin is in da house! Bristol Palin has apparently changed her son Tripp's last name; the boy, who was originally named Tripp Johnston after his father, Levi, is now Tripp Palin. Seeing as how Levi is a famewhoring bum who rarely sees his kid, it makes sense that Bristol might want to drop his name. Although, now that I think about it, Palin is sort of a lateral move, isn't it? Anyway, I think it's senseless that any kids automatically take their dads' names, so, more power to you, Bristol! While you're "cleaning house," so to speak, could you do just one thing for me? Okay, three things: Shut up, tell your mom to shut up, and then stay far away from reality TV. Both of you. Thanks! [RadarOnline]

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 4

This is a photo of Michelle "Bombshell" McGee posing with a magazine while waiting to have LASIK eye surgery.  As you see, she is either licking or taunting Sandra Bullock's photo. This would be merely strange if she didn't have a history with Bullock, but you probably remember that in fact SBul divorced her husband (also in the magazine photo) because he was sleeping with McGee. That's cute. She seems nice, doesn't she, that Bombshell McGee? If nice is the same as pathetic and desperate, I mean.

Thanks to TMZ for the photo.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 7

According to Radaronline.com, Jesse James, the Nazi-loving, famwhore-romancing, philandering creep also known as the former Mr. Sandra Bullock, has demanded that his ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, take an AIDS test before she can see their daughter. James's demand comes on the heels of the news that a male porn star recently tested positive for HIV -- Lindemulder used to work in porn. Whatever, dude. First of all, his demand is obviously just manipulation and posturing in what has been a decidedly bitter custody battle. And even if it weren't, what the f***?! HIV-positive parents have different rights than other parents? Plus, considering that JJ has been indiscriminately boning everything he sees with implants and and a neck tattoo, it's all a pretty hypocritical. But at least he's modeling honest and mature behavior for that daughter of theirs. Asshat.

Say It Isn't So!

People  is reporting that Jesse James and Kat Von D are on the rocks. WHAT??!!! A lying philanderer and a desperate famehwhore are having relationship problems? Damn. If these two kids can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?