Backhanded Compliments, Volume Six

Let's hope Bobby doesn't f*ck it all up: You might have seen the recently-released photos of Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, snorting drugs. Well, Whitney saw them, and momma is pissed. According to The National Enquirer, Whitney has demanded Bobbi Kristina check into rehab. The Enquirer reports that upon hearing about the photos, Whitney canceled Bobbi's birthday trip to Atlantis, took back the Lexus she bought her, and insisted she get treatment. If, like me, you remember vividly Whitney's clearly cracked out appearances on her reality show, the smackdown by Whit comes as a big, pleasant surprise. Crack is whack! [Perez]

Later, Hugh Hefner lectured on monogamy: Howard Stern appears on the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone, and here's what SmarmMaster Flash had to say about casual sex: "After my divorce, I realized, 'Oh, wow, I can go have sex.' And I was running around, picking up women. Then all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I really didn't need that much sex. I just wanted somebody with me every minute. I was using women as a surrogate mother. When I tapped into that, it suddenly became very childish behavior. And really, was it so great fucking every night? They're using me for my fame, I'm using them for their beauty, and the whole fucking thing seemed empty." Hmm. Sounds...smart? Actually, I'm not that surprised that Howard can be intelligent and introspective. I am, however, shocked as shit that there are so many women who were willing to sleep with him. [HuffPost]

Fine, Ryan Murphy. FINE: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Watching "Glee" makes me want to drink bleach. Don't even get me started on Glee + Gwyneth. But last night's kiss between characters Kurt and Blaine was awesome. It was a full-on kiss filmed the way straight kisses are -- up close and wet, people. No behind-the-head shot, no smashed faces atop hidden mouths. This was a beautifully equal gay kiss. I love Ryan Murphy -- and Chris Colfer -- for their treatment of gay and lesbian themes. But look, RyRy, it's going to take me a while to recover from watching Matthew Morrison and Gwyneth Paltrow murder -- and I mean murder --  Prince's "Kiss," so let's just call it even for now.

For those of you who missed last night's show, you can watch the kiss above.

Quick and Dirty

Wasted away again in Margaritaville: Jimmy Buffett is in stable condition at a hospital in Australia after falling from the stage at his concert. Some audience members blame a "huge flash of light" for blinding Jimmy and causing his fall; others believe JBuf was trying to jump from the stage when he misjudged the distance and fell. And SOME people think that there's a wo-man to blame...but he knows it's his own damn fault. [TMZ]

Speaking of people who weren't at all drunk: After pictures and video of Jessica Simpson stumbling out of hip Hollywood eatery Katsuya hit the Interwebs yesterday, a "friend" of JSimp's claims that Jess "had just finished a cleanse and this was the first meal she had eaten in days," resulting in an unexpected sake-to-blood ratio. Mm-hmm. Physically dangerous and overhyped cleanse: $150. Dinner at trendy restaurant: $250. Pounding shots of sake and then pretending to be your own "friend" to make excuses for your booziness: priceless. [The New York Post]

Ohhhh. Then it's not at all offensive: Remember last year when Sandra Bullocks's husband Jesse James was cheating on her with all manner of flora and fauna and then photos surfaced of him dressed as a Nazi? Yes? Good times. Well, Us Weekly has obtained more photos of Jesse celebrating Nazism  -- just in time to punctuate JJ's engagement to the lovely (choke) Kat Von D! But don't get it wrong: Jesse doesn't hate Jews. No, no. An insider explains that "The swastika deal is to scare people. It's part of biker culture." Well, in that case, JJ, please resume mocking the death of 6 million people to compensate for your small penis. Mazel Tov! [HuffPost]

Oh no! Unconditional love! LOOK AWAY! LOOOOK AWAY!!!!! Grocery store chain Harps, which boasts 60 locations in Oklahoma, Missouri, and Arkansas, has blocked the Us Weekly cover photo of Elton John, his husband David Furnish, and their newborn baby son, Zachary, from shoppers' eyes. The store placed a "family shield" over the photo "to protect young Harps shoppers." Thank god. Two people choosing to create and nurture a life together despite unjust societal obstacles is no kind of image for children. Shudder! Hey Harps: F*CK YOU. [Jezebel]

Can't I just hate "Glee" in peace?: Glee's creator, Ryan Murphy, says that he plans to tighten the reins on the show's sexuality out of respect for younger viewers. Speaking about a recent masturbation scene, Murphy told The Hollywood Reporter, "I personally did not think it was too much, but I immediately heard from parents and even my gay friends who were like, 'I wasn't comfortable knowing that my 8-year-old niece in Maryland was watching that. From now on, I will sweat every single word and how we're presenting it...I think all parties involved learned a lesson about how parents look to the show as something inspirational and aspirational. We all realized that we have to be a little more careful when it comes to sexuality." Wait, wait, wait. Is he, like, taking responsibility and accepting accountability and caring about the messages his show sends to kids? Stop it right now, Ryan Murphy. Stop it. Don't go and get all respectable on me. No matter how well you conduct yourself, those musical numbers still make me want to drink bleach. So there. Hmmph. [HuffPost]

Snoozefest 2011

Yawn. So, I had planned to write a Golden Globes wrap-up post, but damn if that show didn't bore me to tears. I did, however, Tweet my commentary live during the ceremony, so if you want the play-by-play, you can read it on F-Bomb's Twitter page. Otherwise, here are a few highlights:

Rick Gervais was very, very funny. However, the gay Scientologist joke might have gone a bit too far. Maybe. You can see his most controversial jokes from last night here.

Robert Downey, Jr. has become that guy. You know, the guy who, now that he has "done the work" on himself, feels qualified to act as the last word on what's appropriate for everyone else. To wit, RDJ went rogue with his presentation bit, saying, "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?'' Evidently Robert finds Ricky offensive. But here's the rub: RDJ then went on to deliver his own joke, that each Best Actress nominee isn't able to do her best work "until she's slept with me." So, in summary, Ricky Gervais's jokes are out of line, but joking that the female nominees f*cked their way to the top is not. Got it? I'm not sure I do, so contact Bobby himself if you have any questions.

"The Social Network" won a lot of awards, solidifying the fact that Facebook is more important than G*d.

Chris Colfer is pretty rad. This doesn't change the fact that "Glee" gives my soul a rash. But CC's acceptance speech for a very well-deserved award was beyond reproach. And I know from reproach, people. Watch it above.

Oh, and one last thing: A note to Giuliana Rancic, of the E! red carpet pre-show: Stop talking about diets and exercise, already. Some people were trying to enjoy a bottle of wine and pound of cheese during the show. I mean, I've heard they were. So stop with the endless weight-talk bullshit. And have a f*cking sandwich while you're at it. JUST SAYING.

Quick and Dirty

She's eating for one half: Victoria Beckham, she of the protruding collarbone and persistent pout, is pregnant with her fourth child with husband David Beckham. Here's hoping the transition to solid food is smooth for Vicki. [Us]

Oh, well, in that case it's a real tragedy: Blogs are abuzz with the gripping news that Gwyneth Paltrow is the second cousin of Representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot on Saturday. The two women have never met. Would it be really gross of me to suggest that Gwyneth's publicist pushed this meaningless fact on the press in order to distract us all from the colossal flop that is Gwyneth's new film, "Country Song"? It probably would be, right? Okay. Then I won't. [Huffington Post]

Someone should tell them that this makes it ten times funnier: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were so offended by Anne Hathaway's hilariously perfect impression of Katie on "Saturday Night Live" that they plan to boycott the Oscars, which Anne is hosting. I'm sure their humorless, creepy, robotic, barley-water drinking stiffness will be sorely missed. [Jezebel]

Now it's war: The insufferable suckfest that is "Glee" has crossed the line with one, flying, jazz-handed jeté. The cast will be performing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" on their post Super Bowl episode next month. Oh, and the boys will be wearing football uniforms. Because there is nothing at all sacrilegious about a bunch of insipid musical theater dorks ripping off the greatest music video of all time. NOTHING AT ALL. [Ology]

This Is Subtle

Glee's Lea Michele, Dianna Agron, and Cory Monteith are featured this month in GQ magazine. The feature is titled "Glee Gone Wild" and includes the shot above of Ms. Michele. This photo...I feel like it's trying to say something...I just don't know what. It's like she's sending us some sort of message with her body. Hmm. Stumper. Oh well. Anyway, the photos were shot by supreme pervert Terry Richardson. LMic says of the experience, "I don't know how they got me to do half the stuff I did." Don't play coy with us, you little minx. We're onto you. Meow.