Wednesday, March 30, 2011
UPDATE 4/19/11: Yeah, so, evidently my promises are worth shit. Don't tell my husband. Ummm, the blog is having a little existential crisis and is on vacation/hiatus/mental health break until May. There will be lots of excitement (read: drinking at my desk) when we return, so I hope you'll check back. In the meantime, we ARE posting on Twitter, so follow us here!
UPDATE, 4/4/11: I'm still working on the reformat, Paula is still crying vicodin tears, and I promise we'll be back to business this week.
I'm just going to give it to you straight: posting will be erratic for a few weeks. Volume wise, it won't change, but the timing will be different. So if you notice that the page hasn't been updated as usual, it will be. Just stay calm. It'll be hard at first, I know. In a few days, I'll have a hotline set up for anyone who needs support during the transition.
Chris Brown got a standing ovation after his performance on "Dancing With The Stars" last night. Not only did the audience stand up, but the judges did, too. I didn't see it go down because DWTS sends me into anaphylactic shock, and I'm fresh out of epi-pens for the soul. However, I watched the video this morning over at RadarOnline, where his performance is referred to as "dazzling" and "electric" and, I have to ask, a standing ovation for lip-synching? What the fuck? Of course, any show that had abstinence educator and teen mom Bristol Palin shimmying to the musical double-entendre "Momma Told Me Not To Come" is not too concerned with integrity, so let's just move on to Chris himself. Even before his "energetic" set last night, Brown's new album had hit #1 on the charts. So, clearly, if you want to sell records, you should bust a hole in someone's window in a fit of pissy, whiny, no-balls rage. Of course, beating up your girlfriend might do it, too, but you only get to play that card once in a career. I'm glad to see that Chrissy's complete disregard for other human beings isn't affecting his success. I mean, sure, he acts like a misogynistic, clinically narcissistic, out-of-control punk, but he can do back flips and somersaults! In a red tuxedo no less! All is forgiven! DAZZLING!
Posting will be late today because evidently there is life outside of the internet that we need to attend to here at F-Bomb HQ. Tedious. We'll be back this afternoon for an afternoon and evening chock full o' posts, so check back then! In the meantime, enjoy a little Chris Rock. I love the smell of gun control in the morning.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Here we have, according to UsMagazine.com, the "FIRST PIC: The Cyrus Family Reunites!" Ha. Yeah, right. F-Bomb Café has obtained a memo from Miley's management to her family that explains this "candid" paparazzi shot. The memo states:
I want the four of you to go to that coffee shop near your house. Miley, please be sober and wearing pants and ideally some sort of bulky sweater -- no cleavage. Noah, please be wearing pants -- and no cleavage. Tish, keep your famewhore eyes away from the camera. It would help if you could look lovingly at Billy Ray. And Billy, for the love of God, get a haircut and keep your mouth shut. And nobody mention salvia, divorce, underage drinking, or Bret Michaels. Got it?
Okay, so I made that up. But we all know this is pretty much how it went down. Evidently Miley can, in fact, be tamed.
All my niggaz wildin, let me see your hands
All my bitches stylin, let me see your hands
- Foxy Brown, in Toni Braxton's "Let Me See Your Hands"
In case you didn't take her seriously the first couple of times, Foxy Brown needs you to know that her hands are VERY VERY important. To wit, in 2004, Foxy beat up two nail salon employees after a mani-pedi appointment because, as she told the The New York Times, "I got the pedicure, but they didn't give me the manicure." Bitches! Then, in 2007, she was arrested for battery after attacking a beauty store employee. I'm sure he deserved it. And finally, TMZ reports that last week Foxy was kicked off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed up three hours late to a manicure appointment and then went crazy when the spa could not accommodate her. Security escorted Ms. Brown back to her room and then followed her around for 2 days until the ship pulled into the Cayman Islands and she was sent packing. I think by now we are all accustomed to the specific psychosis that results from celebrity entitlement, but I feel for Foxy. Sometimes you just gotta pop a nail tip in somebody's ass. Thug life, baby. Recognize.
Monday, March 28, 2011
"I recognized the psalmist gift in her performance. Yet she sang out, 'I kissed a girl, and I liked it,' while thousands joined her. One part of my heart soared . . . the other part broke for the thousands of hungry souls being fed something that didn't nourish their spirit, but fed their flesh." - Mary Perry Hudson, Katy Perry's mom, explaining how conflicted she is over her daughters fame. It's not only Katy's lyrics that have Mary twisted, but her outfits, as well. Says the Christian preacher, "No mother wants to see the top of her daughter's boobs." Of course not, Mary. Oh, it should be noted that Momma Perry's laments are part of a book proposal she is currently shopping. That's right. Tormented Mother Mary want to write a book about how Katy's fame has affected her Christian Ministry. Hmm. Writing a book about how your daughter's fame affects you sounds a little, oh, I don't know, opportunistic? I mean, sure, maybe Mary is going to donate the profits from the book to her ministry, but...come on. She won't. And, you know, this whole thing is particularly curious considering that Mary wasn't so angst-ridden over Katy's career when Katy bought her a facelift last year. Did that feed your spirit or your flesh, Mary? JUST ASKING.
Katy's boobs traumatize mom [NY Post via Jezebel]
In case you aren't familiar with Food Network chef and "Barefoot Contessa" Ina Garten, let me introduce her: She is known for creating recipes that focus on fresh ingredients a quick preparation; she is self-taught; she has written seven cookbooks and numerous magazine columns; her catch phrase is "How easy is that?"; and she prefers throwing parties in the Hamptons to fulfilling a dying child's last wish. TMZ reports that The Make-A-Wish Foundation tried twice to contact Ina regarding a six year-old boy named Enzo suffering from leukemia whose last wish was to cook with the Bareheart -- I mean, Barefoot Contessa. The first time Make-A-Wish asked Ina to meet the boy, she was busy with a book tour, and the second time she had other "scheduling conflicts." According to his family members, Enzo is heartbroken, but after two rejections he has moved on to a new wish. Well, good. I mean, I know he's sick and all, and he's only six, but there are people out there willing to donate $100,000 to eat Ina's food. Pony up the cash and stop whining, Enzo. Jeez.
Thanks to DCH for making me sad and angry at 6:30 am -- I mean, for the link :)
Here we have Mel Gibson partying at Colony nightclub in L.A. Saturday night, courtesy of TMZ. You know, sometimes when I'm bored of threatening women and hating Jews, I like to get my drink on, too. But when I look at this photo, all I think is Chris Rock. As usual, he says it best, so I'll let him:
Just saying, Melvin.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Courtesy of Perez Hilton (yeah, I said it), here's Britney Spears performing at Rain Nightclub in Las Vegas last night.
First of all, I am Team Britney. 100%. Okay? Team BRITNEY.
As for this performance, well...
You know, it's...
Abercrombie & Fitch, who first bought you soft-porn teen catalogs and shirtless teenage employees, has finally brought their inappropriate sexuality to the grade school set. The clothing retailer now sells padded biking tops for young girls. ABC News just ran a story (which you can watch above) on the items. I mean, I don't know what all the uproar is about. When my daughter is in third grade, I want her boobs to get as much attention as the other girls'. How is she supposed to be pregnant by middle school or understand what being a woman is all about if the boys think she's flat? Jeez, people.
Abercrombie Padded Bikini Top For 8-Year-Olds Angers Parents (VIDEO) [HuffPost]
Friday, March 25, 2011
And because, well, how could I not post this? I guess a few sties featured this on Wednesday. I don't care if I'm late to the party. BEST. CAKE. EVER. Explains AOL:
"A wife renewing her wedding vows after 10 years of marriage ordered a cake that looks just like her. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, opted for the 5-foot replica of herself wearing a wedding gown and a veil at the celebration in Dallas. 'I searched for months to find someone who'd make my dream come true,' she told Metro. 'Originally the plan was for two cakes -- one of me and one of [my husband] Innocent. Unfortunately, it took five weeks to make and we ran out of time.'"
Bite your tongue, Chidi. There is NOTHING unfortunate about this. It's fanfuckingtastic. The friend who sent it captioned:
"I love the look on all of their faces, including poor Innocent's whose cake dreams were never realized. At least the boob cake is smiling. What would've been the highlighted feature on the groom's cake??"
To which I say, I'm certain it would be his vapid optimism and thinly-veiled cuckoldry. I'm kidding, Innocent. You look like a cool guy. I'll take a piece of your cake any day.
(Thanks to my sista from anotha motha, Marah S.D.)
UPDATE: The inimitable, amazing stalking victim (I'm the stalker) Dodai at Jezebel points out that this story is years old. It sure has legs, though -- figuratively and literally. Still laughing.
By which I mean, who the fuck gave this girl a TV show? Behold Jenelle Evans of MTV Shitstorm "Teen Mom 2," insulting and then viciously beating another young woman as her friends cheer her on (you can watch the video here). The good news: Jenelle recently surrendered custody of her child. The bad news: everything else. Stay classy, MTV. And you, too, Jenelle.
"I misjudged the joke. No malice was intended and I apologize to Kirstie." - George Lopez, "apologizing" on Twitter for calling Kirstie Alley a pig. Um, "misjudged?" Hmm. The part when he showed a pig squealing seems kind of hard to misjudge, no? And that whole "her little hooves" part? And "then she had roast beef?" I not sure how one misjudges those jokes -- unless, of course, he is referring to having judged them as funny, in which case, yeah, he was way off. Kirstie didn't accept his apology, Tweeting, "I don't need or want ur apology...I want your kidney dude..on behalf of ur X and all the women uv insulted...give it back." (As we mentioned on Wednesday, George received a life-saving kidney from his awesome and incidentally not skinny ex-wife.) Obviously I am Team Kirstie on this one, so there's no need to belabor the point, which is that Lopez is an unrepentant asshole. Rather, I'd just like to point out that this whole war went down on Twitter. At the risk of dating myself, I remember when we had to walk up hill, both ways, in the snow, without shoes, just to call each other fat and drunk in private before letting our publicists feed info to the media. Sigh.
Kirstie Alley Calls For George Lopez's Kidney After Host Attempts Pig Apology [HuffPost]
Thursday, March 24, 2011
So, I was just innocently perusing Jezebel when I came across this gem. Do me a favor, would you? Watch the video and then come back, okay? Go ahead. I'll wait.
All righty. "The Breast Milk Baby." Because "little girls need to learn how to breastfeed." Um, no. No they do not. I am actually weary just thinking about the gender schema horrors and formula feeding propaganda buried in this toy, so I think the only thing to do now is play my favorite game, "What's Next?"
Breast Milk Baby! What's next? "My First Episiotomy"?
Breast Milk Baby! What's next? Fisher-Price introduces "Precious Places IVF Clinic"?
Breast Milk Baby! What's next? " Mattel's Doula Barbie"?
Breast Milk Baby! What's next? "Dora and Diego's Paternity Test Pack"?
"Unfortunately, we rely on 'beauty authorities,' such as Hollywood, fashion designers and style experts to define beauty for us. The standards and criteria of beauty set by our society have been manipulated and bastardized and are wrong, absurd and unrealistic. Our role models have become 20-something starlets and fashion models whose photographs have been carefully orchestrated, airbrushed, Photoshopped and drastically altered. In person, these people do not look like their photos! The Huffington Post is certainly doing their part to expose this." - Dr. Robert Tornambe, plastic surgeon and author of The Beauty Quotient Formula, in a column he wrote for, of course, The Huffington Post.
Dr. Tornambe obviously makes a great point about unrealistic, absurd beauty standards. Amen to that, Dr. T. But giving props to The Huffington Post? Um, not so much. The good doctor links to an article HuffPost published about excessive Photoshopping on Victoria's Secret models, and, yes, it helps the cause to point out ridiculous retouching. But let's look at a few other posts from HuffPo:
There was this one from January:
And then this one from February:
Oh, and I loved this one from last year, titled, "Giuliana Rancic Debuts Pre-Baby Weight Gain":
Uh, where is the weight, exactly? Call me crazy, but I don't see it. Also, I'm sure GRan was thrilled, given her penchant for checking everyone's body fat, to have her non-existent gain pointed out. As thrilled as Raven-Symone was when HuffPo ignored her new TV gig in favor of a weigh-in. As thrilled as most women are to open up an entertainment news page to find Brooklyn Decker's bouncing boobs in a bikini. You get the point. Dr. Bob, on the other hand, might have missed it. I'm all for your shtick, Doc, but maybe you want to avoid giving empowerment props to a website that polices women's bodies. Just a suggestion.
"I felt like they told us this just so they could get us on the show so they can exploit me. So I took it very, very hard and I really kinda kept my composure throughout the whole interview, although you can see me upset, I kept my composure, I did my performance. And when I got back [stage] I just let off steam. I didn't physically hurt anyone, I didn't try to hurt anyone, I just wanted to release the anger that I had inside me because I felt that I worked so hard for this music and I felt like people kept just trying to take it away from me. So yes, I got very emotional, and I wanna apologize for acting like that." - Chris Brown, "apologizing" for his tantrum at ABC on Tuesday, which he threw after being questioned about the Rihanna "incident." It's so strange to hear someone with a violent, problematic temper and a domestic violence history play the victim. By which I mean it's not strange at all. Get help, Christopher. Nobody is trying to take anything away from you and vandalism isn't a functional way to "release anger." And, just to state the obvious, it's pretty quaint that Chrissy lost his temper in a dangerous way over being asked about losing his temper in a dangerous way. One more time, Chris, and you'll have an explosive anger hat trick! Way to go!
VIDEO: Chris Brown Apologies For GMA Meltdown: 'I Got Very Emotional' [RadarOnline]
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"She did a nice job. Her little hooves tapping away.” - George Lopez, calling Kirstie Alley a pig on his show last night. GLo was referring to Kirstie's performance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- a performance, by the way, in which she kicked ass. But George is more focused on fat jokes, of course. And just in case you didn't get his hilarious "hooves" dig, George continued by putting Kirstie into the "This Little Piggy" nursery rhyme: "Before the show she went to the market. And then she had roast beef. And this is her going all the way home.” And then he played a clip of a pig in a car. Ha! Get it? She's a pig! Because she's fat! Oh, George, that's a good one. You know, at first I wondered if maybe George's jokes weren't as offensive as they might normally be given that Kirstie has been frank about her weight struggles, even appearing on a reality show called "Fat Actress," on which she often poked fun at her diet dramas. Plus, you know, Lopez is a comedian, and they tend to offend. But the jokes are offensive, and whether or not Kirstie has acknowledged her battle has nothing to do with it. And worse, the jokes just aren't funny. Piggy jokes? Sound effects? That's the best you can do, Georgie? Pretty fucking weak for a dude with his own show. I've heard funnier insults from fifth-graders. And another thing... I was just thinking...didn't you receive a lifesaving kidney from your full-figured ex-wife? Yeah, I thought so. That's cool. Asshole.
If you want to hear George being not at all funny, you can watch him here.
It appears that ABC will not press charges against Chris Brown for his chair-throwing, window-breaking, chest-puffing tantrum yesterday. This is very good news for Mr. Breezy, who is still on probation from beating up Rihanna. Had ABC pressed charges, Chrissy could have landed his sweet booty in the clink. According to TMZ, the NYPD can not charge Chris because there is "no complaining victim." Really. Well, I'm complaining. I'm complaining that the glass shards Brown sent crashing down onto Broadway could have hit someone, and I'm complaining that this little punk is going to hurt someone (else) soon. Clearly, Chris has some issues that need to be worked out, and I hope he that happens. But, um, in the meantime, keep him away from innocent bystanders, please. And women. And windows. And, also, if the primary point of incarceration is to remove dangerous people from society, then sending Lindsay Lohan to jail for maybe stealing a necklace in full view of its owner while letting Chris off the hook for violent vandalism and endangerment seems like a whole lotta bullshit. Just saying.
Oh, one more thing -- I almost forgot. Brown wants us to focus on the fact that he has a new album out. Yippee.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Obviously he's gratified and he's working hard to live up to everyone's expectations." - Chris Brown's attorney, Mark Geragos, back in November, after a judge congratulated Chris on his probation progress. You may remember that Chris beat up his then girlfriend, Rihanna, and was ordered to complete community service and domestic violence counseling as a result. Yeah, well, shockingly, that didn't seem to do the trick. This morning, Breezy appeared on Good Morning America to promote his new album, and he got a little, shall we say... testy when host Robin Roberts asked him about the Rihanna "incident." CBrown tried to turn the conversation back to his album, but Roberts wasn't having it. Wow, that must have been frustrating. What's a reformed woman beater to do? Simple. Chris returned to his dressing room after the interview, smashed a window with a chair, ripped off his shirt, got in the face of a segment producer, and left the building without completing his performance for the ABC website. Here's a photo, courtesy of TMZ, of the window Chrissy broke, sending chards of glass onto 43rd and Broadway:
Oops! Brown might have forgotten he's on probation still and as such is required to obey the law. LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. No word on whether or not charges will be pressed. But, hey, people: he's got a new album out! Let's dance!
Stop Telling Me To Forgive Chris Brown
Monday, March 21, 2011
It was a bad week for fake romances: First, Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene split up. Now, it appears that Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper have fulfilled their contracts -- I mean, called it quits. Color me not at all surprised. I'm not sure what was in this for BCoop, but I'd bet the romance was intended to light a fire under RZell's stalled career. Um...nice try? Since these tragedies usually strike in 3s, I'd like to warn Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez: you're next, fake lovahs! [People]
Sure it was, Punkin: "It was real. Aliens were plugged into me. It was a download situation." This is what Sammy Hagar told MTV Hive about the alien abductions he has endured since childhood. And I'm sure his memories are valid, because rock stars never do enough drugs to cause any sort of confusion between reality and fantasy. You can read more about Sammy's alien experiences at the link, if you have the time. Otherwise, allow me to summarize: Sammy can't drive 55, but he can talk a whole lotta crazy. [US]
The state is in good hands, though. Really: Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice David Prosser and Chief Justice Shirley Abrahamson are engaged in a little row over the fact that Prosser allegdly called Abrahamson "a bitch." Prosser's totally pathetic defense is, simply, that Abrahamson is one. So Prosser did call her a bitch, and then Abrahamson emailed a whole slew of people telling on him. That's cool. It's not like there's anything else going on in Wisconsin, right? If Prosser needs backup, he might want to call Bam Margera. Just saying. [Jezebel]
"...someone said something rude to me, so I began making fun of a big girl in the group. I called her a sea otter and asked her why she's in Texas. She should be in Alaska laying on an iceberg because she's a beached whale." - Bam Margera, explaining how he got into a bloody fight Thursday night at a hotel in Austin. A friend of the girl whom he targeted attacked Bam, the two fought, and she knocked his pathetic ass out. He was, according to TMZ, unconscious for 7 minutes. Ha. I mean, wow. Okay. So. Bam is a 31 year-old "man" who responds to anonymous heckling by calling a random girl fat. I don't agree with violence, but I fully support profanity. So: Fuck you, BAM, you middle-school acting, obviously insecure, lacking any real sense of humor asshole. Oh, and, nice black eye, moron. Grrrrrr.
"Scarlett acted very intrigued by him. She would smile, nod her head and just listen to his stories." - a source tells People about Scarlett Johannson's and Sean Penn's dinner with friends Saturday night at Cecconi's West Hollywood. The "source" went on to confide in People that "Scarlett and Sean sat very closely and exchanged flirty looks." NO! You're kidding! By which I mean, um, no shit. In case you missed the 20,000 media reports about ScarJo and Spicoli playing footsie all over town, they are dating. It's no big mystery. That said, I understand the gossips' fascination with the couple: he's twice her age, she just separated from her husband, blah blah blah. But is it necessary to paint Scarlett as some silent little pretty thing nodding along to everything the big, smart Sean has to say? Come on. She's young, she's hot, whatever. I suspect she's not the dreamy, star-struck sycophant our "source" makes her out to be. Either way, I'd like to high five both of them. ScarSean, Pennhannsen, SeanLett, whatever: it's a whole lotta sexy. Say it's not. It is.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
One doesn't have to be a genius to hypothesize that Charlie Sheen's family all have a little of the crazy, too. Right? I mean, come on. Well, enter Mr. Emilio Esteves to provide valuable supporting data. Here's what Brother Esteves told The Sun about Charlie:
"There's that thing in The Godfather: Part II of 'I love you, Fredo, you're my brother, but don't ever take sides with anyone against the family', then Michael Corleone has to have Fredo 'taken out' on the boat. There are times, like these, when I want to take Charlie out for a boat ride. Charlie should know that he might have a boat ride in the future. Someone's got to be Michael Corleone."
Okay, first of all, Emilio, I know Michael Corleone. I've spent many afternoons with Michael Corleone, and you, my friend, are no Michael Corleone. With that said, what the hell, Double E? Why so violent and dramatic? In fact, it seems Easy EE was just playing. Later, he said that all he can do is "pray for [Charlie] and hope he has that moment of clarity." And it's clear Emilio isn't too hung up on Charlie's unraveling, because he quickly turned the magnifying glass (read: spotlight) on himself. Said an ostensibly thoughtful Emilio:
"All I can do for Charlie... is to try to be an example. But, really, I was a pretty poor one. I was a bad boy. I was drinking and I lost my virginity there (on the set of father Martin Sheen's Apocalypse Now) - I was 14. At one point, the prop guy told my mother, 'You've got to get your children out of here.'"
LOL! That's a great story, Emilio. It's important in times like these that we all maintain our sense of humor and remember the profundity of your adolescent virility. Seriously. With a brother like you, who needs drugs and hookers?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I'm watching CNN. You know, because of the whole we-just-bombed-Libya thing. So, two anchormen were talking about which targets we hit, and then, at the bottom the screen, the news feed read "Vanessa Minillo considers winter wedding." OH GOOD. I don't think I could handle my anxiety about the state of the world with the added anxiety of Minillo-Lachey wedding planning. Thank effing goodness for the hard-hitting journalists at CNN. Then, while Pentagon Correspondent Chris Lawrence explained that "this is just the beginning" of the plans our government has for Libya, THEN the news feed said "Obama trying to limit military involvement in Libya." Wait - what?
There's really no joke here. Well, not exactly. Evidently the French are doing the bombing runs while we do the missile launches. The French. This should tell you how much of a military threat Libya is (none) because I'm pretty sure the French haven't bought a new jet since the 1950s. Ba. Dum. Bum. Fuck.
"With over 35 years of ministry experience, Exodus is committed to encouraging, educating and equipping the Body of Christ to address the issue of homosexuality with grace and truth." - the app description for "Exodus International," a new iPhone App made by the ministry of the same name. Apple just approved the app, which is the ministry's mobile technology for curing homosexuality. Okay, look, free speech, blah blah blah, so of course Apple approved the app. However, the company gave the app a "4" rating, which means that it has been determined to contain "no objectionable material." Hmm. So, hate, stereotyping, and ignorance aren't objectionable? Referring to an individual's harmless lifestyle as a graceless, truthless "issue" isn't objectionable? Okay. Good to know, Apple.
Friday, March 18, 2011
"A girl that's told yes by everyone surrounding them grows up to be a heartless closed off insecure individual. Time 2 pick up the pieces & stop being so sad! Some woman will always be empty & rotten from the inside out. U cant love a heartless woman." - Corey Bohan, ex-boyfriend of Audrina Patridge, on Twitter this Wednesday. Wah, wah, wah. First of all, really? Tweeting smack about an ex? Lame, CBo, lame. Secondly, um, I don't know Audrina, and she might be a perfectly kind and clever young lady, but I'm not sure Corey's expectations of depth are appropriate for an alum of "The Hills." Just saying. Now, whiny men and possibly vapid women aside, look at the screen capture up top. That's from UsMagazine.com, where I read about Corey's Tweet bitchery. Look at the section title there -- right above the headline. "Healthy Lifestyle?" How is this story in the "Healthy Lifestyle" section? Last I checked, bitterness, name-calling, unnecessary surgery, and "The Hills" were all decidedly unhealthy. Look alive, Us weekly! Jeesh.
Did you hear?! Did you hear?! Billy Ray Cyrus has called off his divorce! Poppa Cyrus told the girls at The View, "I want to put my family back together … Things are the best they've ever been." Then, getting back to the topic of his daughter, BCy said, "I feel like I got my Miley back in a way...I feel like we are the daddy and daughter that we were before Hannah Montana happened. And even though Miley's publicist paid me to say this, I do think Tish and Miley are gonna take me back." Okay, I added that last sentence, but he said the rest.
Billy Ray Cyrus: I Called Off My Divorce [People]
Thursday, March 17, 2011
As you might recall, Lindsay Lohan is currently embroiled in a fight to stay out of jail in the face of a grand felony theft charge as well as several probation violations. While she struggles to maintain her sobriety and stay afloat, her parents are busy securing their next meal tickets. Momma Lohan is busy promoting Lindsay's brother's new film, and Poppa Lohan has been working some crazy famewhore overtime. Having ended his bromance with Jon Gosselin and consequent engagement to Gosselin's ex, Kate Major, Michael is now busy filming the upcoming season of "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew." And when he isn't faking an addiction or blathering bullshit about Lindsay to the press, he's keeping himself busy with the ladies. In the photo above, we see PoppaLo swapping spit with Kim Granatell from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." That's right. Michael Lohan and a Real Housewife. Look, all I'm going to say is this: If I were Lindsay, I'd be chugging Kombucha, too. Oh, and one last thing: nice coat, Kimmie. Jackass.
Photo (with doodle) via PerezHilton.com
They must be pretend-devastated: The couple that their reps built, Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene, have split. The breakup comes after months of posing awkwardly for photos and pretending to be attracted to each other. According to sources, the breakup was "mutual and amicable" and a result of "their work schedules." Which, everyone knows, is publicist code for, "They agreed to fake it for 8 months and have signed papers mutually dissolving their professional relationship." Cue glycerin tears. [NYPost]
Kombucha? Gesundheit!: "Sources" report that Lindsay Lohan has admitted to her probation officer that she's been drinking Kombucha tea, which contains 0.5% alcohol or less. This is a probation violation and has been noted as such by the L.A County probation department. Jeezus, Linds. First of all, Lilo already knew Kombucha was a problem, as the beverage was implicated in her SCRAM bracelet debacle of last summer. So why is she still drinking it? The question is especially confounding to me because I have bought the tea, and if you haven't tried it, let me tell you this: don't. There are big globs of gelatinous eye-ball and snot-like material floating around in it. It's really gnarly. All to say, if Linds has managed to drink enough of the shit to get drunk, I say let her off the hook; she's suffered enough. Stupid, completely self-destructive, and unnecessarily belligerent actions aside...TEAM LINDSAY! [TMZ]
Because the god-awful writing in the books isn't enough: Here's one more reason to dread the "Twilight" franchise. Aaron Homer has been sentenced to three years probation after stabbing another man and drinking his blood. Robert Maley, the victim, had let Homer suck his blood once before, but then declined to offer up his cells for a second sucking, so Homer took his drink by force. If you want to know why these fools were exchanging fluids in the first place, you can read about it at the links. As for me, I blame Kristin Stewart. [Perez] [AZCentral]
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tonight on "Top Chef," the four finalists were challenged with cooking a dish using conch. If you're not familiar with it, conch is like an enormous clam; it lives inside one of those shells in which you can supposedly hear the ocean. Oh, and it's pronounced conk. So, they had to make conch. Conch can be tough, and, as such, it's a tricky ingredient to use. One of the contestants (and my personal favorite), Antonia, chopped the conch into a ceviche; specifically, she prepared seared red snapper with conch tartare and lobster nage. At the judges' dining table, the majority of them loved the dish. My boy Tom Colicchio, however, wasn't feeling Antonia's conch. He said -- are you ready? Really. Pay attention here. Ready? Okay. So, voicing his dissent, Tommy C. said:
"You close your eyes and put this in your mouth, you're not gonna taste conch."
Let's hope Bobby doesn't f*ck it all up: You might have seen the recently-released photos of Bobbi Kristina Brown, daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown, snorting drugs. Well, Whitney saw them, and momma is pissed. According to The National Enquirer, Whitney has demanded Bobbi Kristina check into rehab. The Enquirer reports that upon hearing about the photos, Whitney canceled Bobbi's birthday trip to Atlantis, took back the Lexus she bought her, and insisted she get treatment. If, like me, you remember vividly Whitney's clearly cracked out appearances on her reality show, the smackdown by Whit comes as a big, pleasant surprise. Crack is whack! [Perez]
Later, Hugh Hefner lectured on monogamy: Howard Stern appears on the cover of the latest issue of Rolling Stone, and here's what SmarmMaster Flash had to say about casual sex: "After my divorce, I realized, 'Oh, wow, I can go have sex.' And I was running around, picking up women. Then all of a sudden, it dawned on me that I really didn't need that much sex. I just wanted somebody with me every minute. I was using women as a surrogate mother. When I tapped into that, it suddenly became very childish behavior. And really, was it so great fucking every night? They're using me for my fame, I'm using them for their beauty, and the whole fucking thing seemed empty." Hmm. Sounds...smart? Actually, I'm not that surprised that Howard can be intelligent and introspective. I am, however, shocked as shit that there are so many women who were willing to sleep with him. [HuffPost]
Fine, Ryan Murphy. FINE: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Watching "Glee" makes me want to drink bleach. Don't even get me started on Glee + Gwyneth. But last night's kiss between characters Kurt and Blaine was awesome. It was a full-on kiss filmed the way straight kisses are -- up close and wet, people. No behind-the-head shot, no smashed faces atop hidden mouths. This was a beautifully equal gay kiss. I love Ryan Murphy -- and Chris Colfer -- for their treatment of gay and lesbian themes. But look, RyRy, it's going to take me a while to recover from watching Matthew Morrison and Gwyneth Paltrow murder -- and I mean murder -- Prince's "Kiss," so let's just call it even for now.
For those of you who missed last night's show, you can watch the kiss above.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"A Snake Bit A Model's Fake Breast And Then Died." - the title of a post on today's front page of BestWeekEver.com. And it's true. Orit Fox, the Israeli model pictured above, is the victim -- and also the murderer. OFox was posing with a boa constrictor during a Tel Aviv radio station photoshoot when she decided that two ginormous knockers with an animated phallus between them is not adequately suggestive imagery and licked the snake. That's right. The girl with the giant implants licked the snake. Let's just leave that sentence alone. The snake bit Orit in response -- because he's a reptile, not an idiot. An assistant had to pull the boa off Orit's left breast, and then Orit went to the hospital for a tetanus shot. Her implants were unharmed. The snake, however, died of silicone poisoning. There are so many angles from which to approach the jokes here -- religious symbolism, ditzy overly-endowed model stereotypes, snake-licking, etc. I think I'm just going to stick with this line of logic: ladies, when am miniscule amount of the contents of your breasts kill a snake, it's time to reevaluate your cosmetic and professional choices. Just saying.
Last night was the finale of season 15 of "The Bachelor." I tried to watch it. I could not. I mean I literally could. not. The strain of steeling myself against scene after scene of cringe-inducing crapola sent me running straight to a bottle of whiskey. I mean a book. Yeah, a book. But don't let my sensitivity to contrived emotions sully the exciting news.
Last night was the fifth attempt I made this season to watch this show. And let's remember how much television I can sit through. I mean, I've watched entire episodes of "Glee," okay? "GLEE." I've got chops. But "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" and their various reunions and weddings and specials...I just can't. Which is weird, because you'd think a show that involves parading 25 women in front of some dude so that he can whittle them down weekly by judging their participation in group dates while they talk smack about each other back at the brothel would entice me, right? I mean, I'm a woman! I should love watching my sisters offer themselves up to someone they've never met and then fight over him. I do not, however. Nonetheless, I'd be remiss to ignore last night's excitement. Here's what Bachelor Brad had to say about it to Us weekly:
"I'm confident that I chose the right woman. I'm even more confident in our love and that it's very real. I mean it."
He means it, people! Really. No, really. Their love is very, very real. He means it.
No word yet on whether or not the happy couple will allow ABC to televise their very, very real wedding.
Monday, March 14, 2011
So, we were a little late to the party today. I was busy cleaning the vomit off Miley's chin. Anyway, due to our tardiness, I was among the last to hear about 50 Cent's latest Twitter brilliance. You know, I've been admiring his Tweets for months now (by "admiring," I mean, "rendered speechless after reading." Tomato, tomahto.) Anywhatthefuckiswrongwithhim, Fiddy Tweeted the following pearls of beauty and wisdom following the devastating earthquake in Japan:
"Wave will hit 8am them crazy white boys gonna try to go surfing."
"Look this is very serious people I had to evacuate all my hoe's [sic] from LA,Hawaii and Japan. I had to do it. Lol."
"Man they made a movie about all this 2012 now you think that was a lucky guess."
Pretty offensive, right? Well, Fiddy wants you to suck it up. Tweeted he of the half-dollar nomenclature:
"Some of my tweets are ignorant I do it for shock value. Hate it or love it. I'm cool either way 50cent."
Thanks for the explanation, Mr. Cent. But, actually, there is nothing shocking about any of this, since your ignorance far precedes you. And, yes, either way, you are certainly very, very cool.
"Remember a few weeks ago when we said Amber Rose was one burger away from a weight problem? Well she ate that burger!" - the choice words from the shitheads at MediaTakeOut, who this weekend posted the picture and hilarious comment you see above. Below that, they posted this photo:
There is Amber, smiling and JOGGING. And, according to MediaTakeOut, conjuring Miss Piggy. Amber responded on Sunday with a Tweet that said, "I'm 5'9 148. How am I fat? Man, what have I done so wrong? Be to [sic] nice? I just don't get it." Amber has since deleted the Tweet, which is probably just as well: numbers aren't good for anyone. But she certainly asks the right question. How is she fat? And piggish? I see a waist. I SEE HER JOGGING. And let me tell you something: leopard print leggings don't do any of us any favors, and I love Amber that much more for rocking those tights. As for the ignorant asshats at MTO, lets applaud them for contributing to eating disorders, misogyny, and insecurity. I mean, someone needs to monitor women's bodies and label them with misguided projections. Keep up the good work, MTO. Really.
Amber Rose Reveals Her Weight, Asks 'How Am I Fat?' [HuffPost]
Saturday, March 12, 2011
"What I love about New Hampshire and what we have in common is our extreme love for liberty. You're the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord. And you put a marker in the ground and paid with the blood of your ancestors the very first price that had to be paid to make this the most magnificent nation that has ever arisen in the annals of man in 5,000 years of recorded history." - U.S. Representative and Tea Party Ringleader Michele Bachmann, speaking to the Republican Liberty Caucus in Nashua, New Hampshire today.
Yeah, so, Lexington and Concord are in Massachusetts, as you might remember.
What I love about this story is that it's not only a chance to take a totally warranted swipe at Michele Bachmann -- and, you know, practice makes perfect! But this particular flub is extra sweet because it tells us that no one on Team Bachmann knows what the hell is going on. Because not only did they miss it once, but they missed it twice: Bachman made the same mistake the night before while speaking to a group of GOP members in Concord. If none of them caught this mistake then it's safe to assume that they can't manage a presidential campaign. And that, my friends, is a very important comfort right now; one of Bachmann's closest advisers told ABC News on Friday, “I’d be surprised if she didn’t run.” Yeah, that's fucking great. So, how about this: let's not correct her on the whole New Hampshire/Massachusetts mix-up, okay? Let's just let her keep doing what she's doing. If the fact that Bachmann is anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-believing in global warming, anti-public service, and anti-making any fucking sense isn't enough to keep people from voting for her, then maybe the fact that she couldn't pass a third-grade quiz on the states will. I mean, Jeezus.
Michele Bachmann Mangles Revolutionary History [HuffPost]
Friday, March 11, 2011
But this is just too much.
This is a photo from the Entertainment page of today's Huffington Post. Attached to the photo is this headline: "Raven Symone Shows Off Weight Loss, Long Hair." I read that, and I thought, "Hmm. Shows off? Really?" I mean, it seems to me that RSym is just at an event. In fact, put my words in the headline and you'll get my point. It becomes "Raven Symone at an event Weight Loss, Long Hair." That's all, people. Weight Loss, Long Hair. It isn't that she doesn't look fabulous and healthy. And, yeah, the hair is a drastic change from the super short curls of mere days ago, but... must we get to the "weight" straight away every single fucking time? It was bad enough when, just a month ago, HuffPost ran the headline "Thin Raven-Symone Returns To TV" and then linked to a story at another blog that had nothing to do with her weight. I suspect the lovely Raven has been invited to these events for doing something other than being thinner than she used to be, right? So, why so much about the weight, HuffPost? We get it. Fine. She's Thin Weight Loss Raven-Symone now. TWL-RSym, if you're nasty. Now, back to the real rub in today's HuffPost headline: "Shows off." Look at Raven there, all grown up. There doesn't seem to be anything at all show-offy about her countenance or posture, does there? Oh well. Just an odd word choice, I guess.
Ummmm, no. Not just an odd word choice. Because over at People.com today, one finds this photo and caption -- make sure you read the caption:
"The actress flaunts her slim figure?" What -- why? Last time I checked, "flaunting" was pretty fucking obnoxious. Look it up; you'll find words like "ostentatiously" and "parade" in the definitions. Yet when I look at this photo, I see -- ONCE AGAIN -- a woman at an event posing for photos because that's what one does at these events. Raven looks confident, as she should, and perhaps a little pose-y. But she doesn't seem to be flaunting anything. Why flaunt? Why must her weight loss involve such narcissistic, antagonistic behavior as "showing off" and "flaunting"? And before you accuse me of overanalyzing or nitpicking, remember that people who write for a living generally choose words on purpose and know what those words mean. Most of them, at least. Writing headlines and other captions at HuffPost and People.com are pretty rad gigs -- they don't give them to people who disregard the definitions of words. Trust.
So where does that leave us? With Raven-Symone flaunting her weight loss and being a show off now that she lost weight with all that weight loss. (Weight loss!) It leaves us with two major media outlets projecting onto a woman ostentation and braggartism because she...appears in public repeatedly after losing weight. I don't think I need to belabor the point. Suffice it to say, I call BULLSHIT.
Here we have actor Bradley Cooper and "American Idol" contestant Paul McDonald. Twinsies! Also, holy teeth, Batman. The only reason I'm posting this is because finally figuring out whom Pauly reminds me of was the most exciting moment yet on The Jennifer Lopez Show. Here's the thing: For better or worse, I'm a committed "American Idol" viewer. I was there when Kelly Clarkson's pipes beat Justin Guarini's spiral perm. I cheered for Fantasia back when she was just a great singer and not a felonious famewhore. I lived through Taylor Hicks, rooted for Blake Lewis, and had a few dirty dreams about Lee Dewyze (don't judge me). But I have yet to care about any of this season's Top 12, so, until I do, my "Idol" commentary will be confined to weekly admissions of my nascent, confusing love for Jenny L and random, pointless observations about the contestants. And so we've begun! Whoot!
The little couple that cried wolf: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are over. For real this time. No, really. After a three-year relationship which seemed to serve the primary purpose of feeding breakup speculation to bloggers and tabloids, the pair have split, and their reps have confirmed it. I blame Mila Kunis. And stop smiling, Cameron Diaz. [People]
Then they gave him a wedgie: On Thursday night, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino appeared at Comedy Central's Donald Trump Roast and was booed off stage for, well, sucking. On top of the fact that The Sitch isn't funny, Comedy Central's writers set him up for failure, teleprompting him into telling Snoop Dogg that "he and Trump had a lot in common because Trump owned a lot of property and Snoop's ancestors were property." HAAA! Slavery's a hoot. I'm not sure The Sitch is responsible for his own behavior, but, either way, the whole thing -- crass insults, peer pressure, bullying -- sounds a lot like middle school. Which is my cue to go eat my lunch in a bathroom stall. [LA Times]
This chump again: Rand Paul continues to defy logic and decency with his drivel. At yesterday's Senate hearing on energy, Randy told Kathleen Hogan, deputy assistant energy secretary for efficiency, that it's insulting that he has to choose only the high-efficiency light bulbs while she gets to choose whether or not to have an abortion. Yup. That was his point. You can watch him trying to make it at the link. Really, RPaul's penchant for indefensible nonsense warrants its own post, but Jezebel's Irin Cameron has done the work for me. Writes Irin, "So let's get the esteemed Senator's libertarian position straight. Freedom to buy things that take an unnecessary toll on the ecosystem for generations to come: pro-freedom, pro-life. Freedom to place as many onerous, expensive, paternalistic restrictions as possible on women's reproductive organs: same. Now that's some bullshit." WORD. [Jezebel]
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Reynolds, 35, and Fischer were recently seen together in South Africa, where he's filming Safe House. And while Fischer is relatively unknown, the size-six German model has an impressive resumé." - from an article at People.com about Ryan Reynolds's new girlfriend, Agnes Fischer. I'm so glad the fine folks at People focus on the most important facts. I mean, at first I was surprised at how quickly Ryan and his ex, Scarlett Johannson, have moved on; ScarJo's been cuddling with Sean Penn all over town, Ryan has a new woman, and it's been only two months since Reyhannson split. But none of that matters now that I know Agnes is a size 6! Resumé, schmesumé; what else do we need to know? That explains everything!
Oy vey, Lohans.
The facts: today is Lindsay's last day to cop a plea bargain in the grand felony theft case against her. She has been informed several times that since a plea bargain is an admission of guilt, she will do jail time. Lindsay has thus far refused to take a deal; if she doesn't, her case will be heard before a new, allegedly tougher judge Stephanie Sautner.
One can imagine, whether on Lilo's side or not, what an intense day this is for the girl. Right?
Add to the scene Lindsay's asshat of a father, Michael Lohan, who is currently filming "Celebrity Rehab" and plans to bring the cameras to Lindsay's day in court -- depsite Lindsay's objections, of course. Just step back for a minute and consider the scene:
A former child star, who was fed to the Hollywood wolves by two of the most narcissistic and famewhoring parents ever, is built up and torn down by the media while resorting to drugs in the absence of any real support system and finds herself facing jail time as she battles to stay sober. While her mom focuses on her next meal ticket -- Lindsay's brother's movie career -- her father signs on to a fake rehab reality show citing anger management issues and then decides to film Lindsay's demise from the lens of his own self-absorbed delusional psychosis.
All to say: TEAM LINDSAY. Work it out, girl. I don't know how you do it, but work it out. I feel you, sister. *fist pump*
UPDATE: Lilo said Hell No to a plea and will be tried for grand felony theft. Her preliminary trial will happen on April 22.
UPDATE #2: Despite getting the okay from Dr. Drew (WTF, dude?), Poppa Lohan did NOT show up at court at all -- no Celebrity Rehab cameras, no Michael. No word on whether MLo made the decision himself or if Lindsay's lawyers were able to block the cameras. Let's hope it's the latter. Even though it's the former.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"She is devastated ... in worse shape now than when she went in." - Tareq Salahi, one half of the infamous White House Party Crashing team, about his wife, Michaele. You might remember them from "The Real Housewives of DC" and related, ridiculous press stunts. Tareq tells People magazine that Michaele's "devastation" results from being cut from the upcoming cast of "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew". Why was she cut? Because she doesn't have a substance abuse or addiction issue. Rather, according to Tareq, Michaele joined the cast to have Dr. Drew "help treat her [multiple sclerosis], which has been directly affected by our ordeal with the White House. What she needs is help managing her stress and her illness." Okay, MS is a horrible, nightmarish, affliction that no one deserves to endure. That said, it was bad enough when perennial favorite Rachel Uchitel milked the "Celebrity Rehab" scene with her "addiction to love," but, come on. Michaele needs a neurologist, a shrink, and a life: not rehab. Second of all, nobody actually gets better on Celebrity Rehab. Duh. I mean, call me crazy, but if I were suffering a severe, degenerative disease, I think I'd choose a medical facility that doesn't open every treatment session with a montage of dead people set to a bad pop ballad. Just saying.
“I was loving them (the sleeping pills). I had been on them for a couple weeks when I had a bad reaction, likely because I was also drinking wine which it says not to do I discovered later." - Darlene Egelhoff, mom to the inimitable Heidi Montag Pratt, describing a night she "thought might be my last" on her blog. Darlene tells the gripping tale of her insomnia and subsequent Ambien prescription, which led to her night of near-death terror. Oh, if only the world had known about the dangers of mixing sleeping pills and booze! I mean, how could she POSSIBLY know that it's dangerous? Jackass. Frankly, I'm shocked. I'd always expected that Heidi had been raised by geniuses.
On April 2, a Canadian molecular biology company called Celebrity Gene will begin selling the DNA of living and dead famous people. According to the press release, "DNA is sold in a necklace pendant containing original extracts as well as a diamond, ruby or sapphire of a specific weight to protect against counterfeit." Well, good. Because so help me G-d, if I order Kim Kardashian's genetic matter and end up with Khloe's, Imma lose it.
Company Sells Celebrity DNA [Perez]
TMZ reports that Mel Gibson will take a plea bargain in spousal assault case against him. As a result of pleading guilty to simple battery against his babymomma Oksana Grigorieva rather than risking trial on the corporal injury charge, Melvin will avoid jail time and receive only counseling as a sentence. Which is cool, because, you know, it's not like beating your spouse and demanding fellatio under the threat of violence is a big deal. I'm glad to see Melly catching a break. He's been so persecuted for all that anti-semitism stuff. Thank God he has the money to get himself out of the trouble that the less fortunate would be in. And just in case you think this whole deal is bullshit, let Mel's attorney, Blair Berk, explain:
[Mel's] right to due process can only be exercised in this case with an enormous media circus attached. Mel's priority throughout all of this has been that the best interests of his young daughter Lucia and the rest of his children be put first in any decisions made. It is with only that in mind that he asked me to approach the District Attorney with a proposal that would bring all of this to an immediate end.
Oh, I see. It's not that he did it, it's that he wants to protect his daughter. Good thinking. Where in the world will little Lucia (and his other 6 kids) learn bigotry and hate if Daddy's locked up? THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN, PEOPLE!
Posting will be delayed until this afternoon while we do a little site maintenance here at F-Bomb. In the meantime, here's a discussion topic. Click here, and consider: Is this the worst blog in the history of blogs? It might be. Talk amongst yourselves in the comments, and we'll be back to programming after lunch.