Friday, December 31, 2010

Screw The Champagne!

"Ginuwine has also recently been chosen to become the new spokesperson for Adult Chocolate Milk, a new alcoholic beverage that combines chocolate milk with 40 proof vodka." - from a press release announcing the miraculous "Adult Chocolate Milk," currently available at west coast Costco stores and soon to be available wherever you are. Want to know the best part about this stuff? Here you go, from

"Adult Chocolate Milk was developed by Newport Beach mother Tracy Reinhardt, who claims she mixed up the liquor in her kitchen after putting her kids to bed one night. "

Dude. Never mind the obvious vomiting risk of drinking vodka and milk. What sort of f*cked up devil spawn came out of this woman that she thought vodka and chocolate milk sounded awesome at the end of a long day? I can only imagine. Oh well, one woman's existential crisis is another woman's easily disguised alcoholic beverage! "What? This? It's just chocolate milk!" Thanks, TRein!

Screw The Subliminal Messages

"I lost 50 pounds, and I'm engaged!" actress Sarah Rue, reminding you that diets = love in a promo for the CW's new affront to decency, I mean show, "Shedding for the Wedding." Rue hosts the show, which follows couples as they try to slim down before their big day. So if you thought that one could have a few extra pounds AND a great wedding, Sarah is here to remind you of the real formula. And just in case "I lost 50 pounds, and I'm engaged," isn't direct enough, Sassy Sarah wiggles her rock in your face and cracks her naughtiest smile. So remember: get skinny, get married. What else is there?

Link via Jezebel.

This Is Totally Legitimate

Here we have Joe Jonas from the Jonas Brothers and Ashley Greene from "Twilight," who are supposedly dating, at Disney World. Hmm. There is something a little off about this photo, no? I called in our resident body language expert -- me -- to evaluate the young couple. And I say that Ashley's stance and expression say, "Jonas Brothers. Please. I could so be doing John Mayer by now,"  while Mr. Scruffy next to her seems to be thinking, "I hope my hair looks cool." Ah, young love. Not at ALL a set up by their agents and Disney. Not at all.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Love Is A Many Spendored Thing

Former Playmate Izabella St. James has written a memoir in which she divulges details of life inside the Playboy Mansion. You can read excerpts at The Daily Mail, but because I am a giver, I offer my favorite bit:

Every Friday morning we had to go to Hef's room, wait while he picked up all the dog poo off the carpet - and then ask for our allowance: a thousand dollars counted out in crisp hundred-dollar bills from a safe in one of his bookcases. We all hated this process. Hef would always use the occasion to bring up anything he wasn't happy about in the relationship. Most of the complaints were about the lack of harmony among the girlfriends - or your lack of sexual participation in the 'parties' he held in his bedroom.

Wow. That is a really degrading scene. What those girls need is a union. United Famewhore Prostitutes Local 69. I like it.

Every. Single. Kind Of. Wrong.

When MTV premiered "Teen Mom," I vowed to ignore it. No matter how many magazine covers those babymommas landed, I ignored them. And now this, from

"It appears Amber Portwood is taking home some pretty major bucks for her role on the MTV hit show 'Teen Mom'  -- to the tune of $280,000 [a year]!"

The lovely Amber disclosed her salary to the court after she was booked on two felony counts stemming from an incident that appeared on "Teen Mom" when she beat up her babydaddy. Yeah. The one whose baby she dropped out of high school to carry. The one she isn't really dating anymore. So then protective services took her daughter away. And then she went to jail. And then she got a life sized tattoo of her daughter's face. And now she's out on bail. For this, she makes $280,000. That's cool. No problem with that message at all. I'm going to drink now. Good day.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Price Of Brett Favre's Junk

“On the basis of the evidence currently available to him, Commissioner Goodell could not conclude that Favre violated league policies relating to workplace conduct...However, Commissioner Goodell also determined that Favre was not candid in several respects during the investigation, resulting in a longer review and additional negative public attention for Favre, Sterger, and the N.F.L. Commissioner Goodell stated to Favre that if he had found a violation of the league’s workplace conduct policies, he would have imposed a substantially higher level of discipline.” - a statement from the NFL (via The New York Times) explaining their decision to fine Brett Favre $50,000 for sending unwelcome shots of his genitals to Jenn Sterger. Ahh, Brett. So many jokes, so little time. Imma take a cue from Charles Barkley and say this: too bad for Brett they didn't fine him by the inch. And, on a serious note, where are my punitive damages for the trauma of having seen his philandering, flaccid penis? Three words, people: class action suit.

Say It Isn't So!

According to RadarOnline, Joe Francis, the man behind "Girls Gone Wild," and his wife of two months, reporter Chrsitna McLarty, have separated (that's not her in the photo, by the way). I know; it's a major blow for all of us. I mean, if the man who made millions convincing drunk college girls to flash their boobs for his cameras before he went jail for failing to pay taxes and $2 million in gambling debt and his wife can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?

When Humanity Gets Punk'd

"I'm going to be ready to take myself and my family to a safe place where they don't have to worry...All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I care about." - Ashton Kutcher, telling Men's Fitness magazine that he is preparing for the end of the world (via Just Jared) . Seriously. Kutcher is stocking up on guns and learning the deadly Israeli combat technique Krav Maga, all in anticipation of Armageddon. Here's the thing: while it is perfectly plausible that society as we know it will fall apart any day, it's hard for me to trust Ashton Kutcher's predicitions. I mean, if you can't predict that your 21 year-old mistress will sell the incriminating text messages you sent her, somehow I doubt you have your finger on the pulse of humankind. Just saying.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Blast From The Past, Volume One

Have you ever heard of James N. Bailey? Me neither. Seems he was General Counsel to the Cleveland Browns in the 1970s. More importantly, he is now my idol. I've read a lot of letters from lawyers in my day (just because, okay?), but this is by far the most brilliant. Check it here.

Quick And Dirty, Holiday Edition

What do you get when you cross a philandering D-list actor with a cloying, callow country singer? You get the Rimes-Cibrians! Leann Rimes and her boyfriend Eddie Cibrian are engaged, as evinced by the NOT AT ALL POSED candid photo above. A source tells Us Magazine that Brandi Glanville, the wife whom Eddie left for Leann, "couldn't care less." Yeah, I think you speak for the rest of the world, BGlan. [People]

This was AFTER the dog ate her homework: Sarah Palin explains her most famous made-up word, "refudiate," on the latest episode of her apocalyptic crapfest "Sarah Palin's Alaska." Quoth SPal, "I pressed an F instead of a P and people freaked out." Sure you did, Punkin. [Huffington Post]

Yeah, bravery and social change are so silly: 72 year-old actor Richard Chamberlain told The Advocate that he "wouldn't advise a gay leading man-type actor to come out." Explains the miniseries king, "'s just silly for a working actor to say, 'Oh, I don't care if anybody knows I'm gay' - especially if you're a leading man." Yeah, almost as silly as taking advice from Richard Chamberlain. With all due respect to the miracle that was "Shogun," I ask that you kindly stuff it, Ricky. [TMZ]

My ovaries have gone into hiding: is currently running a slideshow called "The Year In Teen Mom." The feature contains highlights from the first season of MTV's most recent strike against society. And just in case the idea of celebrity via premature parenthood isn't enough, Bristol Palin is there, too, explaining that she is "trying to be a role model for teens and show them the importance of contraceptives." Thanks, BPal. I'm sure all the money and fame afforded to you and the "Teen Mom" cast really drive home the pitfalls of unsafe sex. [Us]

Monday, December 27, 2010

Game Over

Yup. Can you see that image up there? Some dude proposed to his girlfriend on Facebook. For real, evidently. I am going to make 1 joke about this, and then I am going to weep quietly in the corner:

Their wedding registry is available through Farmville. They're hoping to get enough bales of hay to add some piglets to the farm.

See ya.

Image and bad news via Jezebel.

Stars! They're Just Like Us!

"Jay was in a private room of Hermes doing last-minute shopping. He had a guard standing watch outside. He spent $350,000 on Birkin bags, among other things. The buying binge took so long, Jay-Z missed his scheduled lunch at Nello, prompting the restaurateur to deliver his food to the store." - a "source" tells Dlisted about Beyonce's Christmas present procurement. Wow. Let's all have a moment of silence this holiday season for the heroic, nameless Nello restaurateur who made sure no one went hungry this holiday season. Well, not a billionaire music mogul, anyway. It's a Christmas miracle.

Jezebel Is Trying To Kill Me

I don't mean Kim herself; I mean the website. posted this collage of terror to accompany the article "Why The Kardashian Domination Has Only Just Begun." Look, I have nothing but love for the peeps at Jezebel, and no one is more aware of and horrified by "Kardashian domination" than I, but 7 almost naked Kardashian Katastrophes in one image is more than I can take. Look away, people. LOOK AWAY.

Heterosexual Marriage Is A Sacred Institution

On Christmas Eve, 84 year-old Hugh Hefner proposed to his 24 year-old girlfriend, Crystal Harris. Hef tweeted the news, adding, "This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory." Of course, by "Christmas weekend" he means "nausea-inducing example of socialized prostitution." Mazel Tov!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ho Ho Ho!

And I'm not talking about Rachel Uchitel. F-Bomb is taking its talents on the road for some holiday travel, so posting will be off and on through the rest of this week. Be sure to check back now and then, though, because everything's funnier after 17 eggnogs. Trust.

Oh, Well, Since You Said 'Excuse Me'

"Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm f*ckin' you." - the chorus of Enrique Iglesias's new single, "Tonight (I'm F*ckin' You).  I like it when my paramours use "please," don't you? Take notice, boys: manners are important when informing a girl that you are going to f*ck her. And should you need any help with what comes after the pleasantries, Enrique's video is at your service. It's either a how-to video (about, evidently, how not to be rude when f*ckin' a person) or pornography. You decide.

Gooooooood Morning!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


"With a ballet-dancer frame perfect for Rodarte and Valentino, the 12-year-old star of Sofia Coppola’s new film, Somewhere, has emerged as a fashion-world darling. See pictures of Elle Fanning’s sartorial evolution." - the opening line of a piece of steaming bullshit nonsense written by Isabel Wilknison at The Daily Beast. It continues, "Though she’s still missing five teeth, Elle has shot up to 5-foot-6, and dresses look good on her ballet-dancer frame. 'More designers are going to want to dress her because she’s tall—it’s sounds crazy to say someone has a good figure at 12—but she captures a youthful spirit,' says Interview’s entertainment director, Lauren Tabach-Bank. 'She’s not oversexed, but she can wear clothing well.'"  Oh, she's not oversexed? AT TWELVE AND WITHOUT FIVE TEETH? What a miracle! Great work, Isabel. I love when bloggers evaluate the "perfect" "ballet dancer" body of a pubescent girl. If you want to remind Ms. Wilkinson that this is dangerous, idiotic crap, you can find her on Twitter. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Quick And Dirty

Today In Desperate Famewhore TV: Soap actress Rebecca Budig took home the first crown on "Skating With the Stars" last night. Upon receiving her award, Becky said, "Wait. Am I a star? Is this shitstorm of a show for real?" Oh, wait. That was me. My bad. [Popeater]

We Don't Talk About People In Rehab But: I will talk about the rehab resident technicians who get fired after divulging confidential details about people in rehab. Enter Dawn Holland, who was fired from the Betty Ford clinic yesterday after taking $10,000 to talk to TMZ about her fight with Lindsay Lohan. Oh, and she gave them the incident report, too. Lilo and Dawn are accusing each other of "starting it," and bloggers everywhere are burdened with the task of predicting who is lying. Tough call. Lilo faces jail time if found culpable, and Holland faces the cover of Life & Style, an appearance on "Sarah Palin's Alaska," and a sex tape -- no matter what happens. [TMZ]

Insert Punchline Here: The new season of "Jersey Shore" will feature castmate Ronnie getting a rectal exam. I'm too overwhelmed by the possible uses of "Jersey Shore," and "asshole" to choose a joke. It's not a particularly surprising episode, though. MTV has nothing to offer but crap these days. Ba-dum-bum! [Jezebel]

This Goop Called Love: Blind items everywhere hint that Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Chris Martin of Coldplay, are splitting. I have no interest in commenting on anyone's marital discord, but I would like to make sure we all are prepared for Gwynnie's inevitable "Divorce Deprivation Liquid Diet." Get ready, people! GPal is serving up hot water and pureed kale stems for all the single ladies! Whoot! [DListed]

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Least Surprising Headline Ever

"New 'Jersey Shore' Girl Gets Naked In New Trailer" - the title of an article on The Huffington Post's entertainment page. I stopped reading half way through because my soul started to itch, but I read enough to report that it's new castmate Deena who gets naked and that in doing so she declares, "It took a day for someone to see my goods!"  I...yeah. Stay classy, MTV.

This Is Her Sad Face

"I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands." - Heidi Montag, to Life & Style magazine. Heidi displays her plastic surgery scars for the mag and laments, "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body...This is not what I signed up for." It's not? Oh. Hmm. I guess Heidi signed up for the 10 plastic surgeries in one day that don't leave scars and disfigurement. Oops! Oh well...Darwin, 1; Heidi 0!

Dirty Drunky Diddy

"I will pull out my schlong here right now!" - P Diddy, on "Chelsea Lately" last night, after Chelsea repeatedly referred to him as "girl." Puffy showed up trashed to plug his new project, Diddy-Dirty Money. After slurring his way through the first few minutes of the interview, he offered to show Chelsea his, uh, manhood. Look, I'm all for drinking and slurring, but keep it in your pants, P Creepy.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Okay, He Needs To Shut Up. Forever.

"...Ankle length skirts, grazing the Manolo Blahnik kitten heels...[she should save] her butch trouser suit for weekends at Camp David and vacation hikes in Yellowstone. No plaid lumberjack shirts at any time." - Vogue's André Leon Talley, telling The New York Times how he pictures our first lesbian president. Fore some reason, he is quoted in an op-ed piece about whether or not our country is ready for "A Gay Commander in Chief." I'll tell you what I'm not ready for: an African American gay man with a penchant for stereotyping. Suck it, ALT.

Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness With Your Unit

"My biggest problem with the whole Brett Favre thing is, if you're going to send a woman a picture of your junk, it should be huge. You can't send small junk to a woman and expect anything. Seriously, you have to be like Ron Jeremy or some of those other porn stars. If you send a woman a picture of your junk, it should be humongous; it shouldn't be small. That's one of the Ten Commandments." - Charles Barkley, weighing in on Brett Favre's dirty phone photo scandal, on XJOX radio in Birmingham. I think that when a public figure sends photos of his genitalia to unsuspecting women other than his wife, it's important to assess the genitalia in question. Good looking out, Chuckie. And, Brett: he does have a point. I mean, just saying.

Can I Bid On Her Self-Respect Instead?

"This sweater was given to me after spending the night with Ashton. I no longer have any attachment to this sweater and I am hoping someone else will enjoy it." - the note on Ebay posted by Brittney Jones, alleged mistress of Ashton Kutcher. There are so many things about this to enjoy/be horrified by, but my favorite part is definitely her middle school "I no longer have any attachment" message to Ashton. Here! Take your stupid stuffed bear from Walgreens! I don't want it anymore! Ahh, to be young and desperate. And easy. Way to go, Britt!

Photo courtesy of

Friday, December 17, 2010

This Should Really Be The Least Of Her Concerns

"Kim Kardashian Explains 10-Pound Weight Gain" - a headline right now at I don't know what her explanation is -- that she is compelled to "explain" it at all horrifies me, so I didn't read on. Plus, if KKar wants to clear some things up, there are plenty of issues that need explanation before her body does. Might I suggest she help me understand her fame, her website, what the hell has happened to her face, her sisters, her mother, why the hell she thinks we need a second Kardashian reality crapfest -- I mean show -- and that whole sex tape thing. Let's start there, Kimmie, okay? Thanks, punkin.

Aw! She Stole My Idea!

Courtesy of RadarOnline, here's Paris Hilton's Christmas Card. Ah, nothing says joy, peace, and love like unadulterated narcissism and STDs. Merry Merry!

Wahler Explains It All

I'm not going to lie. I watch "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew." I have my reasons; you needn't concern yourself with them. Anyway, last night I had poked holes in myself and was marinating in Drew's empathy when Jason Wahler (formerly of 'The Hills," bar fights, and numerous DUIs) emerged from the famewhore background as the Prophet of The Pasadena Recovery Center. Let me set the scene: It's group therapy. Rachel Uchitel, Tiger's $10 million whore, had ditched rehab, leaving Jason Davis (billionaire oil heir and personal hygiene failure), Jeremy London (formerly of "Party of Five" and the recent fabrication that he was kidnapped and forced to smoke crack), Eric Roberts (just a really great actor, unfortunately), and Leif Garett (former teen heartthrob with a devastating heroin addition) in complete despair. Upon beginning the session, Dr. Drew announced that Rachel would be returning. Janice Dickinson (formerly of ANTM and endless public displays of pathology), as if on cue, consequently had a full-on meltdown, half because of benzodiazepine withdrawal and half because she can't bear the attention the boys give Rachel. She was literally shaking and screaming like, well, like a delusional drug addict in rehab. Soon, everyone was yelling, Janice was screeching, Drew was tilting his head and understanding, and the boys were out of their seats in anxious but giddy testosterone-fueled blue-balled impatience, when, in the midst of all the chaos, Jason Wahler came out with this:

"I've been to 8 rehabs and I've never seen anything like this in my life."

And there you have it. Well done, Janice, Rachel, Jason, Jason, Eric, and Leif. Well done.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Single Babies Are So 2005

So, Nick I-can't-stop-smiling-cuz-I-hit-the-MiMi-jackpot Cannon has revealed that the Empress of Glitter is, in fact, expecting twins. That's great. No, really. Babies are blessings and all that. I certainly don't want to dis anyone's desire to procreate. But, um, there is an ALARMING number of Hollywood kid twin sets. I mean, there is an alarming number of twins these days, period, but for obvious reasons (hint: $), there seems to be a disproportionate number in entertainment. To wit, these are some of the celebrity parents of young twins:

Sarah Jessica Parker
Angelina Jolie
Kate Gosselin
Rebecca Romijn
Jennifer Lopez
Marcia Cross
Julie Bowen
Julia Roberts
Lisa Marie Presley
Nancy Grace
Dennis Quaid
Angela Bassett
Marcia Gay Harden
Denzel Washington
Holly Robinson-Peete
Lance Armstrong
Mia Hamm
Geena Davis
Mel Gibson
Patrick Dempsey
Ray Romano
Charlie Sheen

And that's not all of 'em. Um, all I can say is holy creepy side effects of fertility drug advancements, BATMAN.

Oh, Tiger. Just Shut Up Already.

"Because of the time frame of it, I missed my son's first birthday and that hurts. That hurts a lot and I vowed I'd never miss another one after that. I can't go back to where I was." - Tiger Woods in April, explaining the worst part of having been in rehab. Tiger's son's birthday is February 8, by the way, and this year Tiger will be golfing in a Dubai tournament from February 7 until February 13. Oops! Look, el Tigre, what happens in your family is really none of our business -- so stop making it ours by using your toddler son to garner sympathy, you lame f*ck. JUST SAYING!

Don't Judge Me

F-Bomb has a strict(ish) policy against posting anything that is complete fluff. Let me clairfy: if there isn't a bigger point to be made, if the "story" doesn't illuminate an accountability or responsibility issue, I skip it -- even if it's really, really funny. But sometimes I can't help myself. To wit:

Sean Puff Daddy P-Diddy Just Diddy Combs had a live "UStream" party last night to celebrate the release of his new album "Last Train to Paris." Instead of renting out a club, Diddy decided to pack 200 people into his NYC hotel room. Guests included Usher, Chris Brown, Trey Songz, Miss USA Rima Fakih and Swizz Beatz. Below is a video of Trey welcoming viewers to the party. I'm not going to tell you what is so funny -- you'll have to see for yourself. Watch the model casually lounging in the tub. Enjoy. (Note: No one was hurt. I promise.)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

No, Thank You

"Meet the Cast of Teen Mom 2!" - a headline today at I tried to ignore this shitstorm of a show the first time around; plenty of others took up the cause of pointing out the insanity of making girls famous for premature pregnancies, so I just covered my eyes and waited for it to go away. It hasn't. And just in case the idea of tuning in to watch girls screw up their lives and get paid for it isn't your cup of tea, Us offers riveting teasers about of two of this season's stars:

Leah Messer: This bubbly cheerleader and her beau Corey Simms had only been dating a month when she discovered she was pregnant -- with twins! The 18-year old Clay, Va. native is now proud mom to Aliannah and Aleeah, 12 months -- but she and Simms broke up after she cheated with an ex.

Chelsea Houska: Mother to Aubree, now 15 months, this 19 year-old from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, clashed bitterly with her ex Adam Lind,. Lind, 19, was MIA for three weeks after Aubree's birth and called their daughter "a mistake." Have they reconnected?

Oooh! I can't wait to learn more about the personification of a major sociological crisis in our country! I hope there's extra neglect, abuse, and self-destruction! Thanks, MTV! Money well spent!

Me! And Also, Me! And Then Of Course There's ME!

"Lindsay actually told the woman at Dancing With The Stars who made the offer that 'you need to take my mom!' Lindsay is a great dancer, but she's taking a break right now. She has been through a lot. Our family loves the show because I'm a dancer, and I taught dance when Lindsay was growing up. I dragged her from one dance studio to another, and she sat in front of the mirrors and watched, while I taught." - Dina Lohan, explaining why Lindsay turned down an offer to appear on "Dancing With The Stars."Did you that DINA was a dancer? Oh yeah, she DANCED and was a DANCER and taught DANCE as a DANCER. Actually, all joking aside, maybe Dina is the perfect candidate for the show. Kate Gosselin, then Bristol Palin, and then Dina! "Dancing With The Delusional Famewhore Absentee Parents" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Now On Sale: Mixed Messages! Only $500,000!

"Go Daddy gives $500K to fund women's health center." - from the Associated Press. That's one of Go Daddy's web ads above. Give it a look. The announcement continues, "The seller of website domain names, whose Super Bowl ads with scantily clad women made it a household name, is announcing that it has donated $500,000 to the Southwest Center for HIV/AIDS to launch a women's health clinic in Phoenix. The Go Daddy Women's Health Center, set to open in 2011, will provide HIV/AIDS prevention for women." That's great. I'm all for philanthropy and AIDS prevention. Know what I'm not all for? Misogynistic hypocrites. Maybe instead of half a mill, the asshats at Go Daddy could support women's health, by, I don't know, using healthy images of women. Just saying.

Oh, and, uh, on a related note, I purchased the domain name "" from -- you guessed it -- Go Daddy. Now please excuse me while I eat some (vegetarian) crow with a side of hypocrisy slaw. F*ck.

Mariah Carey Defies Physics

Her Royal Lollipop-Blingness evidently had some sort of Christmas Concert on ABC last night. I didn't watch it, because I have one whisper-thin shred of dignity left, and I'm trying to hold onto in until the new year. Fortunately, the awesome peeps at Jezebel did, and this morning they point out that Mimi was half her actual size on last night's broadcast. I'm not cracking on Mariah's weight; on the contrary, she's a healthy woman pregnant with twins who looks exactly as she should -- in real life. And yet somehow she was much slimmer last night. Take a look. In the photos above and below, the shot on the left is from Mim's recent HSN appearance, where she did not have control of the production, and the photos on the left are from last night's special:

Either she demanded they alter the aspect ratios, or she has the power to change the atomic structure of her own flesh. Having seen "Glitter," Imma guess the former.

For The Reader With A Silicone Fetish

"Shore tested secrets on landing a mint guy, staying fresh to death, and kicking the competition to the curb" - from the cover of...oh man, I can't even type it. From the cover of...jesus. Okay. FROM THE COVER OF THE NEW BOOK BY JERSEY SHORE'S JWOWW, "The Rules According to JWoww." The book purports to offer "a new spin on dos and don'ts of dating" and "empowering advice for a new generation of self-assured young women." Yeah, because nothing says "self-assured" like public intoxication, boobs that look as if they were drawn with a compass, and borderline literacy. Fresh to death, people!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Okay. I Give In.

Whether you know it or not, whether you care or not, "High School Musical" stars Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have broken up. I wasn't planning to post about this; I mean, I don't care. But after reading something like 15 headlines about the romantic devastation that is the end of Zackessa or Hudgefron or whatever the hell their Brangelina name is, I have to ask: If these two kids who have been forced by Disney to fake a relationship for three years despite her nude photo (for someone else) leak and his very obvious complete disinterest in her can't make it WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR THE REST OF US? Just asking.

Kate Gosselin Has Suffered, People

"Why would you pretend to be homeless?" - Kate Gosselin, expressing her hatred of camping on "Sarah Palin's Alaska." Oh, I don't know, Kate. Why would you pretend to be a decent parent? They're all questions for the ages, really. Look, I never leave pavement myself, but I am pretty certain the homeless don't have hair extensions, cameramen, and FOOD. Just saying.

Oh Jeezus

Willow Smith, the adorable and talented "Whip My Hair" singing daughter of we're-not-Scientologists-we-just-run-a-Scientology-school Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, divulged her parents' colossal failings to The Telegraph last week. Says the smallest Smith, "I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school."

That's cool. It doesn't seem important to me at all that a young woman feel confident in her MATHS ability. Not at all. After all, she whips her hair, people!!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

What The F*ck Is Going On At The New York Times?!

You know, I was just sitting here, trying to have A WEEKEND, catching up on what I thought would be "news," when I read this seriously infuriating shit from New York Times writer Jan Hoffman's piece on Elizabeth Edwards, who, as I am sure you know, died this week after a long battle with breast cancer. Writes Hoffman:

With her warm smile, left-leaning advocacy, generous hips and personal tragedies, this political spouse — wife of a one-term senator who failed twice in bids for national office — became an extraordinary canvas upon which many different public constituencies projected their narratives.

GENEROUS HIPS? What the FUCK (yeah, I said it) is WRONG with you, Hoffman? And what is wrong with The Times? It was only two weeks ago when Dance Critic Alastair Macaulay accused New York City Ballet star Jenifer Ringer of looking "as if she'd eaten one sugar plum too many." Who is managing the newspaper these days? QuickTrim? What's next? "How The Women Of Kandahar Lose Weight After Losing Their Husbands"? Hey, editors, put down the Christmas cookies and do your f*cking job!


P.S. If you want some REAL news, click on the "Kandahar" link above.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Backhanded Compliments, Volume One

Okay, so I like to talk smack. Don't judge me. However, this morning I read 3 -- count 'em, THREE! -- "news" tidbits that warmed the 4 chambers of my desperate heart. In honor of this good news, I hereby announce F-Bomb's newest feature, Backhanded Compliments! WHOOOOOOT!

Taylor Momsen Said Something Not Idiotic: In an Interview with The GuardianTaylor Momsen talks self-love. Says TMom, "Don't sleep around - learn yourself first! can know your body, know yourself, know what feels good. You don't have to give yourself away just to have sexual relevance." Um, that's actually...good...advice. Yeah, I said it. Of course, she also spews some nonsense about getting naked at 16 for a music video, but let's focus on the positives, mm-kay?

Literacy, 1; Asshat Clowns, 0: Life&Style reports that The Situation's book is tanking. Evidently, Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting In Your GTL on the Jersey Shore has sold only 4,000 copies. The good news is that we can all face today with a new glimpse of hope for the future. The bad news: it sold 4,000 copies.

Just...GOOD: Jillian Michaels, who likes to sell snake oil and shame people into not eating, has announced she is leaving "The Biggest Loser" to focus on...wait for it...wait for it..."becoming a mommy and doing more charity work." Well, well, well. Bravo, JMic. Just pull those fake diet pills off the market, lower your voice, and I might stop dreaming about kicking you in the shins.

I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted by my lack of rage. Good day, people. I SAID GOOD DAY!

This Is The World We Live In, Right Here

"Kate Gosselin's Kids Rip The Tongue Out Of Sarah Palin's Bear Rug! Watch!" - a headline at I don't think it's necessary for me to add anything, is it? Nah. Just take a moment to re-read that headline. Go ahead. Oh, and if you do in fact want to to "Watch!" you can do so here. Good luck -- and good morning!

Everybody Just Settle Down

A bong! OMG! Miley Cyrus is smoking a bong! It's a BONG!!!!!!

You might have heard: TMZ has obtained photos of Miley Cyrus smoking a bong at a party that took place 5 days after her 18th birthday. Judging by the blogosphere's reaction, you'd think she was pregnant with Tiger Woods' baby. The best part, though, is that a "source" insists that it's not marijuana in the bong but salvia, a legal substance with hallucinogenic properties. Ah, right: Salvia. Sure it is. And this is ice water in my juice glass, not Grey Goose on the rocks. You know, maybe it's because I'm from California, but I don't think this is such a big deal. She's 18. It's just salvia, after all. Plus, it's not like she's 16 and dancing on a stripper pole. Oh...wait....

Just saying.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Violence Is Never The Answer...Violence Is Never The Answer...

I'm chanting. It seems the dangerously ignorant scumbags at the Westboro Baptist Church are planning to picket Elizabeth Edwards' funeral because of, as CNN put it, "issues relating to her personal life deemed offensive by the church." I am not going to belabor the point -- the point being that anyone who belongs to this "church" is an awful person with a long list of mental health issues, not the least of which are ego-dystonic homosexuality and the delusion that he has any idea what kind of life is truly offensive -- and try to laugh at the idea of picketing a funeral. Wouldn't that mean they want her alive? I'm confused, Westboro, you hate-filled idiot asshole f*ckers. GAHHHHH. On a related note, John Edwards should be thanking these jerks, because now they are the biggest DBags at the funeral. That was a close one, John.

Wherein Toni Braxton Forgets What Numbers Mean

"I don't know why people think I've had plastic surgery I find it flattering. I only had my boobies and my nose done in 1992!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Toni Braxton on Twitter yesterday. And, yes, I counted her stupid exclamation points. It's a mad mad mad mad mad mad world (that's 6 mads) when two major, invasive, appearance-altering plastic surgery procedures count as none. But then, numbers have always been tricky for poor TBrax, who just filed bankruptcy for the second time. Two does not equal zero, Toni, and one million dollars is not ten. Any questions?

Insert Punchline Here

"Snooki To Drop From Ball In Times Square On MTV New Year's Special" - the headline at several sites, including The Hollywood Reporter. I'm not sure what it says about a woman when her name can't be in the same sentence with the word "ball" without me thinking of a thousand jokes. Or maybe that says something about me. Whatever. Point is, Snooki will be inside a ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve. Laugh or cry, people; take your pick.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

And You Think Your Parents Are Embarrassing?

"Actually probably on my hands and knees." - Michael Lohan, on XM Radio's Playboy Morning Show, when asked if he remembers what position he was in when Lindsay was conceived. Yup. That was the actual question. Never one to let his idiocy be one-upped, Michael elaborated, "It was the first time I had ever smoked pot in my life. And the altitude was so high, for 3 days I couldn't leave that chalet. You're stuck in a chalet for 3 days so you're going to have a lot of sex." Phew! It's a good thing Michael stepped in just when Lindsay's rehab might have been working. Wouldn't want that to happen. F*cking asshat.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 11

It's only Wednesday, so let's give major props to Donna D'Errico, who used to be on "Baywatch" and was once in Playboy and who is certainly NOT looking to capitalize on a national debate by lying to get herself in the news. Donna D tells The Sun that she was targeted at LAX by TSA agents who could not keep their scanners off her washed up -- I mean super sexy -- self. But that isn't even the best part. Says DD:

"My boyfriend looks more like a terrorist than me or my son and he went through with no problems. The male agent who pulled me out of line was smiling and whispering with two others and glancing at me. I was outraged."

Outraged indeed. At least she had her terrorist-looking boyfriend to comfort her. Oh the humanity!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


There are no words. I am actually incapacitated to the point that I am going to link you to Perez Hilton's blog, and you KNOW I hate to give that jackoff any page hits. But I's...just....HERE.

Keep Away From Khloe's Krack!

"They say, 'OK, I'm going to be patting you down and I'm going to be touching the crease of your ass.' That is so inappropriate!" - Khloe Kardashian to George Lopez, on "Lopez Tonight" yesterday. You know what else is inappropriate, Khloe? Getting blown up in a plane. Granted, I'm a little skittish about flying, so I'm not really concerned about pat downs and screenings. Khloe, on the other hand, I should remember, works hard to keep her modesty intact. See above. And below.

Menstruation Monitor: RED ALERT!

"She is so late and very worried. She has an appointment with the ob-gyn on Wednesday in Beverly Hills." - a "source" tells RadarOnline about Brittny Gastineau, who is currently dating Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. I want to make a joke here about how fast Mikey's boys can swim, or ask if his sperm go butterfly or freestyle, but I'm too grossed out by the fact that a "source" (coughbrittnyherself) is updating a blog about a woman's period. I hope she takes the paparazzi in for her vaginal exam. Yes, gentlemen, "period" and "vaginal exam" in one post! You're welcome!

Next Stop: Sex Tape

Remember Balloon Boy Falcon Heene? You know, the kid whose parents reported that he had flown away in a helium-filled gas balloon? The kid whose parents courted fame on the reality show "Wife Swap" before pretending to lose their son and consequently going to jail? The kid who threw up from nerves before accidentally mentioning on TV that his parents had set up the whole balloon thing for publicity? Yeah, well, things haven't gotten any better over in the ol' Heene household, because RadarOnline reports that Falcon and his two brothers are...wait for it...wait for it...forming a boy band. Even better, the parents might play backup. They'll be sort of like the Partridge Family, except without talent and with a criminal record. I smell a Grammy!