No, Really

Donald Trump has been tweeting about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's relationship. Yup. Quoth he of the ladykilling orange skin-combover combo, "After Friday's Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen -- she will cheat on him again!" Here's what surprises me most about this: not that Donny has an opinion about two actors' fake relationship and fake infidelity; not that the thrice-married misogynist is doling out romantic advice with what I assume is a straight face; but that he has taken time out of "fighting like hell" against the "disgusting injustice" that was Obama's reelection to share his wisdom with the Twitterverse. Relax, America -- Donald has you covered. Political problems? He's on it! Love life problems? He's on it! Polluting the world with an existence that embodies almost everything that is wrong with our society? ON IT.

[HollywoodLife]

Do You Hear That?

Listen closely...do you hear it? That annoying buzzing sound? That, my friends, is the buzzing most commonly associated with the rare and (hopefully) endangered animal Asshatis Megalomaniacus, known commonly as Donald Trump. Last night the trichochallenged Donny tweeted his reaction to the election results. Quoth the Donald, "We can't let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided! Let's fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us!" Correction, Donald: They're laughing at you. I'm not sure how a democratic election equals a "disgusting injustice," and I'm pretty sure that greedy, 1%er, misogynistic, bigoted assholes like Trump have more to do with dividing the country than Obama or even Romney, but whatevs. I mean, come on; I'll get a tattoo of Romney's face on my ass if Donald Trump ever marches on Washington or "fights like hell" for anything other than his own swiftly disappearing relevance. Keep talking, Donny. You clown.

[HuffPost]

Priorities, Us Weekly Style

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Look at the headlines! Talentless famewhore and former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is dating a racecar driver! This is super important. Somewhat less important, according to Pus Weekly, are the stars' reactions to last night's election, and even less important is Barack Obama's win. Got it? It goes:
1. Talentless famewhore
2. Overpaid narcissists' verbal masturbation
3. Barack Obama and the future of the country

Please adjust your worldview accordingly.

Focus, People. Focus.

In general, I stay away from Presidential posts, but there's that whole ELECTION thing tomorrow, so I'm going to suspend posting until Tuesday night. It's not out of respect -- I mean, come on; have we met? It's because there are a bunch of propositions to vote on here in San Francisco that I know nothing about. So, rather than haphazardly pulling levers, Imma do some reading. Regular posting will resume on Tuesday night, unless Romney wins, in which case I'll be en route to New Zealand.

GET EDUCATED AND GET YER VOTE ON!!!!!!

She's Practically Running A Country, You Guys

Last night, Lindsay Lohan treated the Twitter community to her ongoing thoughts during the last presidential debate. Here we have her last debate tweet, in which she commends the candidates and implies that she was more nervous during the debate than they were. Yeah, that's probably true. I know how she feels; my dealer didn't show up in time, either.

No No No No No No NO. No.

So. Just let that headline sit for a sec, K? Now, for those of you who, unlike the President, have other things to do than keep up on the fake feud between Mimi Lollipop-Bling Carey and the Cartoon Formerly Known as Nicki Minaj, you can read about it here. If, like me, you're wondering why the fuck Obama has anything to say about it, you should know that at least he didn't start the conversation. That's the good news. Some dude named Michael Yo, who evidently has a radio show in to which POTUS called, asked the Pres to weigh in on the very important tangle between Nicks and Mims. The bad news, however, is that Obama had an answer. An actual answer. Not "I don't give a shit" or "I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." Nope. Obama replied, "I think that they are going to be able to sort it out. I'm confident. I'm all about bringing people together, working for the same cause, I think both outstanding artists are going to be able to make sure they're moving forward and not going backwards." Such a diplomat! And his vision is sooooo inspiring! Imagine all the jobs that will be created when Mimi and Nicki work this out! We can have a delusional diva and a caricature famewhore on the same judges' panel of a played out, fixed singing competition! YES WE CAN!

[HuffPost]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume One

Lindsay Lohan, when asked yesterday if she is keeping up with the Presidential race, announced whom she supports:

"I just think employment is really important right now. So as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now."

HAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA.

Perfect. They're made for each other. As of now.

[E!]

One Of The Great Political Minds Of Our Lifetime Has Spoken

Scott Stapp, lead singer of the shitstorm, I mean, band Creed appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday to announce that he won't be voting for Obama. Okay, um, I know the election is coming up, and every vote counts and all that, but if I may be so bold, I'm going to have to say NO ONE CARES, SCOTTY. I mean, we're talking about the man responsible for this:

If you haven't stabbed yourself in the eyes, here's a quotation from Mr. Stapp's interview over at Fox: "My heart and soul would really like someone like Reagan or FDR to come back and give us a new deal." Reagan? REAGAN? Yeah, that'd be swell! The man who once called Medicaid recipients "a faceless mass, waiting for handouts" and who, during his presidency, managed to ignore AIDS, give huge tax breaks to the rich, fund terrorists, and increase unemployment? Great idea, you clown. Get a haircut, lay off the Juvederm, and stick to what you do best -- oh wait. What is that exactly? JUST ASKING.

[HuffPost]

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 14

"I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, 'we're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" - Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania Senator and possible Presidential candidate. He is referring to Obama's position on abortion, which in the conservative Republican's opinion is not only wrong but also inconsistent with the President's skin color. In case you don't immediately follow Dickie's logic (because it's idiotic), he is insinuating that since blacks were once counted as 3/5 of a person each in the Constitution (one of our country's high points, for sure), they must refrain from denying a fetus its constitutional rights. Get it? I hope not. Basically, RSan thinks blacks have a moral imperative to be pro-life. Forget opinions, or reevaluation, or personal ideology. No, no, no. Slavery says you have to be pro-choice. Because if there is anything a history of oppression teaches a group of people, it's to listen to politicians like Rick Santorum who want to take individual autonomy away. Definitely. Hey, you know what I find remarkable, Dick? That it's 2011 and you still say stupid crap like this.

Thanks to Gawker for the heads up.

P.S. I know the video is oversized. And I'm too impatient to fix it. Don't judge me.