Cracker Ass Crackers

Since I like my hypocrisies the way I like my cocktails -- frequent and steeped in self-loathing -- I am going to overlook my decades long dedication to the Academy Awards and take a moment to point out what a crapfest the Emmys are. First of all: snore. Second of all: snore. Third of all: Jesus Christ, are there no people of color on TV? Every single winner last night was...you guessed it...a pasty Caucasian. Which is cool. I mean, white people rule, don't we? And just in case anyone forgets that, the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences is here to remind you. But lest my cynicism overshadow the real heroism of last night, I should point out that Claire Danes -- who, for the record, is whiter than Price Harry's freckled, prostitute loving ass -- used both "Holla!" and "baby daddy" in her acceptance speech. So, thank you Angela Chase, for using tired, urban slang to try to distract us from the whitewash. Well done! By which I mean, not at all. Holla!

There Are Almost No Words, Volume Three

The photo you see above shows a billboard in Soho right now. Can you read it? Let me help. It says, "The most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb." Right. Because we all know blacks are shameless baby killers. The sign was erected blocks from Planned Parenthood by Life Always, a pro-life group on whose website one can read this:

There is a battle being waged in the United States that has taken more lives than any foreign war or act of terrorism. The enemy is abortion. Its' supporters include the main stream media, liberal representatives in government, and Planned Parenthood, the country's largest abortion provider. The voices of the opposition are everywhere. ThatsAbortion.com is a project of Life Always. We use advertising, research and confrontational truth to gain awareness, inform and educate individuals to choose life, always!

"Gain awareness"? Awareness of the thinly veiled racism and terror on which this organization bases it's "activism"? Yeah, no thanks. Jeezus.

The most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb [Deacon John's Space]

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 14

"I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, 'we're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" - Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania Senator and possible Presidential candidate. He is referring to Obama's position on abortion, which in the conservative Republican's opinion is not only wrong but also inconsistent with the President's skin color. In case you don't immediately follow Dickie's logic (because it's idiotic), he is insinuating that since blacks were once counted as 3/5 of a person each in the Constitution (one of our country's high points, for sure), they must refrain from denying a fetus its constitutional rights. Get it? I hope not. Basically, RSan thinks blacks have a moral imperative to be pro-life. Forget opinions, or reevaluation, or personal ideology. No, no, no. Slavery says you have to be pro-choice. Because if there is anything a history of oppression teaches a group of people, it's to listen to politicians like Rick Santorum who want to take individual autonomy away. Definitely. Hey, you know what I find remarkable, Dick? That it's 2011 and you still say stupid crap like this.

Thanks to Gawker for the heads up.

P.S. I know the video is oversized. And I'm too impatient to fix it. Don't judge me. 

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 13

Guess who? The Tea Party! In a move that is nothing less than mind-numbingly idiotic, a group of Tea Party clowns in Tennessee are pushing legislators to remove facts from school history books. Specifically, the Tea Partiers want to remove references to the Founding Fathers' treatment of Native Americans and participation in slavery. Yeah. Because the best way to learn from out historical mistakes is to lie about them; everyone knows that. Hal Rounds, who speaks for the group of criminally stupid Tea Partiers tells RawStory.com that there is currently "an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another." MADE-UP? Holy fucking nonsense, Batman. This revisionist history is so egregiously dangerous that as a former teacher (yeah, they used to leave me alone with kids) and a lucid human being, my rage makes it impossible for me to articulate my reaction. So I'm going to leave it to Chris Rock. He clears it up in the video above. Watch it -- I'm talking to you, Hal. You asshat.

Well, She Does Now

"She doesn't have a criminal history, we didn't have knowledge of any mental issues." - Vancouver, Washingtom Police commander Marla Schuman, speaking about Bethany Storro, who on August 30 claimed that a black woman had thrown acid in her face. Storro has since admitted that she made up the story and THAT SHE THREW THE ACID ON HERSELF. Yup. Storro has not revealed her motive, but she did say that she wanted to appear on Oprah to "inspire people and tell them about Jesus." Yeah, and also to inspire people and tell them black people are dangerous. Look, I'm sure she does have "mental issues" and I hope she gets help. But while I am white, I think I speak for everyone who is not a racist whack job when I tell Ms. Storro, in the most eloquent way I can, to suck it.