Things Kate Middleton And I Have In Common

We both barfed our brains out during pregnancy; we're both kickass field hockey players; and we're both commoners who slept our way to easy street. Oh wait. Only that first one is true. Rats. Anyway, as you already know, poor KiKi is preggers and puking in a London hospital. I, for one, am not terribly impressed, as I did my vomito embarazada (or hyperemesis gravidarum as those fancy pants doctors call it) in a Boston Public Schools classroom while 28 eighth graders watched. KMid: 0; Me: 1. To be fair, though, Kate wins the nauseated nickname competition, with the Daily News referring to her as "the queasy royal," a title originally reserved for Prince Harry on any given Saturday morning. Well-played, Duchess. Well played.

As Effective As The Monarchy

Forget commemorative coffee mugs! An English condom company has introduced Wills and Kate Royal Wedding rubbers! Called "Crown Jewels" (har), the sheaths promise to combine "the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be" resulting in "a royal union of pleasure." But here's the, uh, rub, so to speak: the company's website warns that "Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs." Oops! Bummer. Ineffectiveness aside, what the f*ck is "the YIELDING sensitivity of a princess-to-be"? Who says KMid can't tear it up in the sack? Come on, you bloody sexist wankers.

Take A Sip Of The Future King And Queen. Yum!

By now I'm sure you've heard that Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton. There seem to be a few stories about it in the American media. But what you might not know is that instead of that paper Starbucks cup, you could be drinking your vodka, I mean coffee, out of the Commemorative Wills and Kate Engagement Mug! Show the world your excitement over the betrothal of two strangers who are part of an outdated sovereignty! Get yours now!