Wherein I Throw Up In My Mouth

"Playboy Mansion outbreak linked to illness that brews in warm water" - a headline from today's Los Angeles Times. It seems that dozens of people who attended an event at the Playboy Mansion have come down with legionellosis, an illness caused by bacteria that grows in warm water. You know, like in heated pools. Or hot tubs. That's right, people: this means there is bacteria at the Playboy Mansion. Bathtubs and bathtubs full of body fluid bacteria. What a shock! And by that I mean, "No duh!" It seems negligent on Hef's part that all visitors aren't treated to a complimentary Silkwood scrub down upon exiting the smut den, but that's just me. Carry on, Bunnies. (Well, once that pesky water-borne infection clears up, anyway.)

Stop Looking At My Boobs! Why Aren't You Looking At My Boobs?

"I'm so mad right now. [They] promised I would be covered with artwork -- you can see the nipples!" - Kim Kardashian, continuing her NothingISayMeansAnything World Tour. On this week's episode of spinoff from hell "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," KKar has a full on breakdown over her recent nude photos for W magazine, crying and lamenting, "I've definitely learned my lesson. I'm never taking my clothes off again, even if it's for Vogue." Oh, sweet Jeezus, please let that be true. One has to be cynical given Kim's penchant for, well, taking her clothes off and the fact that she, well, took her clothes off for the nude photos that she seems so horrified by. Plus, as a general rule Kimmie can't keep her stories straight. Remember the whole Playboy thing? Well, this little mini-drama ends the same way: at the end of the show, Kim declares of the pics, "I'm glad I did them." Oh good. I'd hate to see you regret your talentless overexposure.

Has Anyone Seen Her Dignity Around?

"Good afternoon my darlings...Another question for you guys. Should I wear my hair long or short if I do Playboy? Just curious :-p" - Toni Braxton on Twitter yesterday. On Tuesday, Toni used Twitter to tell her fans (whoever they are) that she is considering Playboy's offer and asked, "What do you think?" Here's what I think, Toni: I think you remind me of those girls who say, "My butt look so fat in these pants!" just to get everyone to look at their ass. You know what else I think? I think that since you just filed bankruptcy for the second time, you should stop fishing for compliments on Twitter and get a job -- naked or otherwise. Thanks for asking! :-p!

Excuse Me, Miss, But Your Pants Are On Fire

Sometimes Kim Kardashian lies. I know. You're shocked. You're broken. It's okay. However you feel right now, it's valid, and we'll work through this together. So, although it turns my world upside down, I present Exhibit A, from KKar's interview with Harper's Bazaar in April:

“I’m sorry I did Playboy.  I was uncomfortable,” Kim tells Harper’s Bazaar in a new interview where she – ironically – strips down again.  So why did she do Playboy?  Her mom Kris Jenner told her to “go for it,” recalls Kim, who also quotes her mom as saying, “They might never ask you again.  Our show isn’t on the air yet.  No one knows who you are.  Do it and you’ll have these beautiful pictures to look at when you’re my age.”

And now, from this month's issue of Glamour, Exhibit B:

Women like Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe have been on the cover of Playboy. So when Hugh Hefner himself asked me, I thought, I’m young, and this is iconic for me. Obviously my stepdad was like, “I think that your father would be mortified if you did this.” It was an independence thing for me. I was always by the book, such the straight arrow when it came to pleasing my parents and being a good daughter. I felt like this was one decision that only I could make. And I think it looks great. I’ll have those pictures forever.

Wait -- does this mean that maybe QuickTrim is NOT her weight loss secret? No! Is there nothing to believe in any more? Oh, the humanity.

Love Is A Many Spendored Thing

Former Playmate Izabella St. James has written a memoir in which she divulges details of life inside the Playboy Mansion. You can read excerpts at The Daily Mail, but because I am a giver, I offer my favorite bit:

Every Friday morning we had to go to Hef's room, wait while he picked up all the dog poo off the carpet - and then ask for our allowance: a thousand dollars counted out in crisp hundred-dollar bills from a safe in one of his bookcases. We all hated this process. Hef would always use the occasion to bring up anything he wasn't happy about in the relationship. Most of the complaints were about the lack of harmony among the girlfriends - or your lack of sexual participation in the 'parties' he held in his bedroom.

Wow. That is a really degrading scene. What those girls need is a union. United Famewhore Prostitutes Local 69. I like it.