The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, Methinks

As I mentioned last week, Hulk Hogan leaked his own sex tape and is now pretending to be incensed by this anonymous violation of his privacy. Never one to back down from a fake, choreographed fight, the Hulkster is really going all the way with this little charade (by which I mean the sex tape scandal, not the genitals to which he so mercilessly exposed us all); yesterday, he announced that he is suing for $100 million both Gawker Media, who first posted a clip from the tape, and his "former" best friend Bubba the Love Sponge, who he believes gave the tape to Gawker. Whatever, dude. I think we should all ban together and sue Hulk for $100 trillion for the abject horror inflicted by his naked image. And, for the record, the funniest thing I have read about this lawsuit is over at WWTDD.com. Read it; you won't be sorry.

Stop Looking At My Boobs! Why Aren't You Looking At My Boobs?

"I'm so mad right now. [They] promised I would be covered with artwork -- you can see the nipples!" - Kim Kardashian, continuing her NothingISayMeansAnything World Tour. On this week's episode of spinoff from hell "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," KKar has a full on breakdown over her recent nude photos for W magazine, crying and lamenting, "I've definitely learned my lesson. I'm never taking my clothes off again, even if it's for Vogue." Oh, sweet Jeezus, please let that be true. One has to be cynical given Kim's penchant for, well, taking her clothes off and the fact that she, well, took her clothes off for the nude photos that she seems so horrified by. Plus, as a general rule Kimmie can't keep her stories straight. Remember the whole Playboy thing? Well, this little mini-drama ends the same way: at the end of the show, Kim declares of the pics, "I'm glad I did them." Oh good. I'd hate to see you regret your talentless overexposure.

Excuse Me, Miss, But Your Pants Are On Fire

Sometimes Kim Kardashian lies. I know. You're shocked. You're broken. It's okay. However you feel right now, it's valid, and we'll work through this together. So, although it turns my world upside down, I present Exhibit A, from KKar's interview with Harper's Bazaar in April:

“I’m sorry I did Playboy.  I was uncomfortable,” Kim tells Harper’s Bazaar in a new interview where she – ironically – strips down again.  So why did she do Playboy?  Her mom Kris Jenner told her to “go for it,” recalls Kim, who also quotes her mom as saying, “They might never ask you again.  Our show isn’t on the air yet.  No one knows who you are.  Do it and you’ll have these beautiful pictures to look at when you’re my age.”

And now, from this month's issue of Glamour, Exhibit B:

Women like Cindy Crawford and Marilyn Monroe have been on the cover of Playboy. So when Hugh Hefner himself asked me, I thought, I’m young, and this is iconic for me. Obviously my stepdad was like, “I think that your father would be mortified if you did this.” It was an independence thing for me. I was always by the book, such the straight arrow when it came to pleasing my parents and being a good daughter. I felt like this was one decision that only I could make. And I think it looks great. I’ll have those pictures forever.

Wait -- does this mean that maybe QuickTrim is NOT her weight loss secret? No! Is there nothing to believe in any more? Oh, the humanity.

Um, Your Pants Are On Fire, Miss

"I believe in growing old as nature intended and, if the movie roles dry up as a result, then so be it. Though I was talking to my girlfriend about this and I was beginning to think I need a nose job to be like everyone else. It's nuts how many nose jobs are going on here at the moment." - Jessica Alba, to GQ UK. Nuts, indeed! What a bunch of freaks! Look, Jess, if you want to have plastic surgery, do it. But keep your trap shut about "everyone else," okay? Because unlike you, the photos don't lie. Exhibit A, for Asinine:

Just saying.