Quick And Dirty

TMZ throws the best interventions: Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work on her latest movie, "The Canyons." Today, Michael Lohan decided to bring a bunch of people -- including some reporters from TMZ -- to Lindsay's house in an attempt to stage an intervention. Which makes sense. I mean, if jail and 4 stints in rehab haven't worked for Lilo, her famewhore felon father and a sleazy gossip site ought to do the trick. Unfortunately, Michael's totally selfless and well thought out plan was thwarted when LL called the cops and reported Michael for trespassing. You know, it's so sad: some people just don't know how to accept love. [TMZ]

Tortellini is expensive, people: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married today in Italy (yawn). The couple gave the following "exclusive" statement to People Magazine: "It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful, and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends."Yeah, that's one exclusive and moving statement. Oh, and E! seems to think the wedding cost $6.5 million, making it the most expensive countdown to infidelity in recent history. Congratulations, kids; you're doomed. Cheers!  [People]

THIS guy: Rihanna's father, Ronald Fenty, tells Life and Style that he hopes his daughter marries Chris Brown because "Everyone adores Chris; he's a super guy." Yeah, he sure is. It might be important to point out here that Rihanna's father was a drug addict who physically abused her mother. Super! So, let me break this down for you: the man who beat Rihanna's mom loves the man who beat Rihanna. Awww, you guys! It's the circle of liiiiiiiiiife. [Life and Style]

Quick and Dirty

The little couple that cried wolf: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are over. For real this time. No, really. After a three-year relationship which seemed to serve the primary purpose of feeding breakup speculation to bloggers and tabloids, the pair have split, and their reps have confirmed it. I blame Mila Kunis. And stop smiling, Cameron Diaz. [People]

Then they gave him a wedgie: On Thursday night, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino appeared at Comedy Central's Donald Trump Roast and was booed off stage for, well, sucking. On top of the fact that The Sitch isn't funny, Comedy Central's writers set him up for failure, teleprompting him into telling Snoop Dogg that "he and Trump had a lot in common because Trump owned a lot of property and Snoop's ancestors were property." HAAA! Slavery's a hoot. I'm not sure The Sitch is responsible for his own behavior, but, either way, the whole thing -- crass insults, peer pressure, bullying -- sounds a lot like middle school. Which is my cue to go eat my lunch in a bathroom stall. [LA Times]

This chump again: Rand Paul continues to defy logic and decency with his drivel. At yesterday's Senate hearing on energy, Randy told Kathleen Hogan, deputy assistant energy secretary for efficiency, that it's insulting that he has to choose only the high-efficiency light bulbs while she gets to choose whether or not to have an abortion. Yup. That was his point. You can watch him trying to make it at the link. Really, RPaul's penchant for indefensible nonsense warrants its own post, but Jezebel's Irin Cameron has done the work for me. Writes Irin, "So let's get the esteemed Senator's libertarian position straight. Freedom to buy things that take an unnecessary toll on the ecosystem for generations to come: pro-freedom, pro-life. Freedom to place as many onerous, expensive, paternalistic restrictions as possible on women's reproductive organs: same. Now that's some bullshit." WORD. [Jezebel]