Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Volume Number WillThisShitEverStop

From the stupid fuckers at TMZ, about Jessica Simpson's super secret Weight Watchers diet plan: "For a while, it didn't look as if she'd lose any weight at all -- at least based on her terrible Weight Watchers commercial -- so we gotta say...we're impressed."

Oh my god, Jess! TMZ is impressed with your weight loss! Good work, punkin; you really had them worried with that whole inexcusable, post-pregnancy, not-skinny-enough-yet thing. Thankfully for all of us, TMZ is vigilant about policing women's bodies, no matter what it takes. Remember last year when they reported Christina Aguilera's height and weight as stated in a police report? This is important investigative journalism, people. I mean, at a time when women's bodies are under government attack, it's comforting to know that an online gossip agency is policing our shapes and sizes. This kind of critical work should be rewarded -- with a kick to the pathetic, shriveled balls of whoever is in charge of this bullshit. I'm talking to you, Harvey Levin.

Did You Get Her Measurements?

"On the booking report, Aguilera was listed at 5'2" and 100 pounds." - from TMZ's post about Christina Aguilera's arrest this morning. Her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, was also arrested, but strangely his weight was not included in TMZ's report. Hmm. That seems like a little sexist bullshit, doesn't it? I'm surprised; usually gossip blogs are so respectful of women's body image issues, aren't they? Oh wait --sorry. I meant to say the exact opposite. Easy mistake. Suck it, TMZ.

I'm All Set With This Clown

"Pu**y. He's not allowed to quit. So you're fired." - Charlie Sheen, responding to the news that his publicist, Stan Rosenfield, had quit. Rosenfield's resignation comes on the heels of Chuckie's appearances on Today and TMZ in which he called himself "a total rock star from Mars"and demanded a raise to $3 million an episode before he would return to work on "Two and a Half Men." Of course, no one has asked Chuckie to come back to work, so I think it's safe to say the pay increase is off the table. Both interviews evinced the fact that Charlie is suffering some sort of delusional psychosis, drug induced or otherwise, and both interviews have solidified my commitment to ignore this trainwreck from now on. At a certain point, this sort of thing defies commentary and becomes nothing more than a tragic story of a life lost and lives ruined (Charlie has 5 kids). So, if you want to follow Charie's spiral into madness, check in with TMZ. They've got the full scoop.

I hope you get well, CShee. Until then, I bid you good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY.