No, Really

Donald Trump has been tweeting about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's relationship. Yup. Quoth he of the ladykilling orange skin-combover combo, "After Friday's Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen -- she will cheat on him again!" Here's what surprises me most about this: not that Donny has an opinion about two actors' fake relationship and fake infidelity; not that the thrice-married misogynist is doling out romantic advice with what I assume is a straight face; but that he has taken time out of "fighting like hell" against the "disgusting injustice" that was Obama's reelection to share his wisdom with the Twitterverse. Relax, America -- Donald has you covered. Political problems? He's on it! Love life problems? He's on it! Polluting the world with an existence that embodies almost everything that is wrong with our society? ON IT.

[HollywoodLife]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number BlessHisLittleHeart

"I'll win an Oscar one day, but I'm in no rush to get there," Kellan Lutz, Twilight star, tells Pus Weekly.

Awww, of course you will, punkin.

Quick And Dirty

They must be pretend-devastated: The couple that their reps built, Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene, have split. The breakup comes after months of posing awkwardly for photos and pretending to be attracted to each other. According to sources, the breakup was "mutual and amicable" and a result of "their work schedules." Which, everyone knows, is publicist code for, "They agreed to fake it for 8 months and have signed papers mutually dissolving their professional relationship." Cue glycerin tears. [NYPost]

Kombucha? Gesundheit!: "Sources" report that Lindsay Lohan has admitted to her probation officer that she's been drinking Kombucha tea, which contains 0.5% alcohol or less. This is a probation violation and has been noted as such by the L.A County probation department. Jeezus, Linds. First of all, Lilo already knew Kombucha was a problem, as the beverage was implicated in her SCRAM bracelet debacle of last summer. So why is she still drinking it? The question is especially confounding to me because I have bought the tea, and if you haven't tried it, let me tell you this: don't. There are big globs of gelatinous eye-ball and snot-like material floating around in it. It's really gnarly. All to say, if Linds has managed to drink enough of the shit to get drunk, I say let her off the hook; she's suffered enough. Stupid, completely self-destructive, and unnecessarily belligerent actions aside...TEAM LINDSAY! [TMZ]

Because the god-awful writing in the books isn't enough: Here's one more reason to dread the "Twilight" franchise. Aaron Homer has been sentenced to three years probation after stabbing another man and drinking his blood. Robert Maley, the victim, had let Homer suck his blood once before, but then declined to offer up his cells for a second sucking, so Homer took his drink by force. If you want to know why these fools were exchanging fluids in the first place, you can read about it at the links. As for me, I blame Kristin Stewart. [Perez] [AZCentral]

And Then Bake Him Cookies And Cry Over Puppies

"You never want to tell your man he can’t do something — he’s going to want to do the exact opposite. Instead, be the great girlfriend that you are and trust him (even if you don’t…pretend). Remember, he didn’t get involved with you because he wanted another mom. To keep your mind off of what trouble he’s causing, I suggest having a night of your own. Even if it doesn’t involve The Hangover-style shenanigans your boyfriend may be having, do something that makes YOU happy...Whatever it is, if you’re genuinely worried that your man might be getting into trouble, do something that will distract you. And when he gets home all worse for the wear, don’t ask too many questions." - brilliant advice from Laura at HollywoodLife.com. Now, keep in mind that HollywoodLife is a celebrity gossip site - which makes this post even better. The title is "Should You Be Cool About Your Man Having A Boys Night Out, Like K-Stew Did With Rob?" Yes, she is referring to Twilight stars and real life lovahs Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. And since making decisions about your relationships based on speculation about strangers isn't always enough to keep love alive, Laura decided to chime in with her own dysfunctional suggestions. If you don't trust him: pretend! And don't ask too many questions. Women should be seen and not heard, and all good relationships are based on silence. We all know that. Hey Laura: you're an asshat.

Hollywood Is So Sensitive

"EXCLUSIVE: Studio Hopeful Final Twilight Film Won't Be Delayed Despite Local Violence" - the top headline at radaronline.com. The website reports that Summit Entertainment was due to begin filming "The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn - Part 2" sometime in the next few weeks in Brazil, but the studio is now considering other locations and a different schedule after last week's violence in Rio De Janeiro. Thirty-five civilians were taken hostage, one civilian was killed, and four police officers were wounded after a shoot-out between police and ten heavily-armed members of a drug-trafficking gang. The Guardian explains that "the 40-minute gun battle...was of proportions rarely seen outside the confilct-ridden favelas," and a Brazilian official describes the current climate in Rio as "an ocean of barbarity." Ugh. Enough already. Jeez. Don't you hate it when some stupid innocent bystanders get shot and murdered and mess up your film schedule? I know I do. I mean, I'm sure the Rio community is shaken and all, but come on: it's Bella and Edward! Priorities, people. Priorities.