Friday, September 28, 2012

Let's Settle This Once And For All

Come on, now.  Look at him. That has to be Bobby Flay's baby. And you know what that means: Time for a DNA Throwdown, JJo!

Photo credit: Splash News

Us Weekly Sucks, Volume Number JeezusDoTheyEverStopWithThisShit

Yesterday, Us Weekly ran this headline:

Now, I don't give a shit about Liberty Ross (neither does her skeevy husband, evidently, which I imagine is Libby's larger concern), but I care about the not-at-all subtle proximity of the words "skinny" and "sexy." And by "care about" I mean "want to kick the asshole that is responsible for." Now, I know this is not news -- that the media love to equate low BMI with high sex appeal; this is the oldest fucking story in the socialized eating disorder book. So while Us is not alone in promoting the idea that starvation is boner-inducing, they are remarkably dedicated to promoting the idea, as well as remarkably lazy about finding creative ways to do so. To wit, there was this, from two days ago:

And this, from July:

And this one, from May:

Oooh! And this one! With video!

Same words, more video:

Exclusive video!

I could go on, but I'm already uneasy about hitting their website seven times in as many minutes. So, in case you haven't picked up on the message, Us Weekly wants you to know that skinny is sexy. Although, to be fair, they aren't saying that only skinny is sexy -- that would be really crappy. No, no. Lean and slim work, too. Got it, ladies? I hope so.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

An Amuse-Bouche, If You Will

I'm behind on posting because...because I am, okay? Jeez.

I'll catch up tonight, but in the meantime, enjoy this headline I just caught at And before you go getting all incredulous and disgusted, just be glad he's a chef and not a porn star.

You're welcome!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Two Words: Pu. Litzer. And Also: You. Suck.

Wow, thank you, Us Weekly. You've answered the question that's been haunting me all night: What did Jessica Simpson have for dinner this weekend??? And I now I know. Thank gods. I'll adjust my meals/ideas about her/ideas about myself accordingly. And while I'm at it, let me also thank you for using Ms. Simpson's proper name, Skinny Jessica Simpson. It's so great to see women treated with respect. This is truly, truly inspirational work.

Bristol Palin's AMAZING Weight Loss Is Amazingly AMAZING!

In case you are lucky enough to have missed this tidbit, I'm here to trigger your gag reflex by informing you that Bristol Palin is back on Dancing With the Stars as a member of the "All Star" cast. I can't summon the strength to comment on the shitstorm that is the BPal/DWTS marriage, but you can read my original efforts here. In the meantime, allow me to direct your attention to this amazing headline from the always amazing Us Weekly, where reports are in on Bristol's amazingly amazing weight loss. Get this: she has been exercising more and eating less! AMAZING! Look, if you had the most powerful microscope in the world you couldn't locate my interest in anything Bristol Palin related. Furthermore, I'm not sure how the editors at Pus Weekly decided that adhering to the laws of biology was worthy of such excitement, and I know I don't need to tell you how I feel about weight loss or weight gain or weight anything headlines. So, for now, I'm just going to hope that less Bristol Palin mass equals less ridiculous, hypocritical, idiotic Bristol Palin bullshit. That would be -- say it with me people -- AMAZING.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Because I Needed Another Reason To Hate Texas

My roulette wheel of rage is spinning wildly, so bear with me as I try to condense this nonsense and choose the parts that I loathe most. Ready? Here we go: Taylor Santos, a high school sophomore in Texas, was given 2 days at in-school suspension after letting a friend cheat off her paper. After one day, Taylor decided she'd rather opt for a paddling (Yeah, paddling. Like spanking. With a paddle. This was an option.) than spend another day in ISS. So she called her mom to get permission, and mom was all, "Totes! Let them spank you at school! Physical punishment doesn't at all model aggression or teach fear or forget to encourage the right behavior or seem kind of pervy. Go for it, Tay-Tay! Drop your pants, girl!" Okay, that isn't exactly what she said, but whatever. The point is, mom was all for it -- until she found out that a dude did the paddling. Allegedly, Taylor's school has a same-sex spanking policy, and now mom is all sorts of mad. Because no one has ever been traumatized at the hands of a woman, right? Never. Also, Taylor allegedly has welts and bruises on her butt, which mom evidently expected wouldn't result from a BEATING. I...okay. First of all, this whole thing stinks like a giant pile of famewhore dung, and so help me Justin Bieiber, if Taylor and her mom end up with a reality show, I will come undone(er). Secondly, what sort of jackass parent lets her kid get beaten at school? And as if all of this weren't enough, there is this, from the I'm-sure-lovely writer who covered the story for The Frisky: "... I thought spanking was just a really-rare punishment for small, irrational toddlers having temper tantrums or something...The idea that your school principal can paddle you when you’ve got your freakin’ driver’s license is unconscionable to me." Wait.'re incensed because beatings should be reserved for little kids? That makes sense. I mean, when I'm trying to tell my three year-old that temper tantrums are wrong, I like to have a temper tantrum all over her to really get my point across. But this beating a teenager stuff is unconscionable, for sure. Christ.

Photo credit:

Cracker Ass Crackers

Since I like my hypocrisies the way I like my cocktails -- frequent and steeped in self-loathing -- I am going to overlook my decades long dedication to the Academy Awards and take a moment to point out what a crapfest the Emmys are. First of all: snore. Second of all: snore. Third of all: Jesus Christ, are there no people of color on TV? Every single winner last night guessed it...a pasty Caucasian. Which is cool. I mean, white people rule, don't we? And just in case anyone forgets that, the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences is here to remind you. But lest my cynicism overshadow the real heroism of last night, I should point out that Claire Danes -- who, for the record, is whiter than Price Harry's freckled, prostitute loving ass -- used both "Holla!" and "baby daddy" in her acceptance speech. So, thank you Angela Chase, for using tired, urban slang to try to distract us from the whitewash. Well done! By which I mean, not at all. Holla!

Saturday, September 22, 2012


Wipe the crust from your eyes, people: We'll be up and running on Monday.