Dear Gods Will Someone Make This Stop Already

Bristol Palin had some sort of breakdown while rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars, and, as luck would have it, the whole thing was caught on film for last night's episode! Serenfuckingdipity! Now, I didn't see the show during which BPal burst into tears (because I have precious few shreds of dignity left onto which I am holding like grim death), but according to Us Weekly, the DWTS "All-Star" burst into tears and said to partner Mark Ballas, "I know you are bummed to have me as a partner...I feel like you want to go home!" before storming out of the studio. Aw, Brissy. Come on. If you're going to fall to pieces every time someone wants to get away from you, it's gonna be a long, piecey life. You know what the worst part of this whole thing is? No, not that she still gets to dance on the show, but good guess. The worst part is that it gave her mother a reason to open the trash chute that is her mouth. Sarah Palin used Facebook to voice her support for her daughter, who she believes is cracking under the pressure of constant criticism. Wrote Sarah, "Do the haters really think this will stop Bristol and Mark from keepin' on keepin' on? Silly critics -- after all these years of goofy antics like this we find these efforts are actually quite motivating!" Indeed, that is something one can't take away from the Palins: they conflate opposites all the time. For them, criticism equals support, incoherent drivel equals speech writing, ignorant nonsense equal political ideals...I could go on. It's inspiring, really. Keep on keepin' on, asshats!

Wah Wah Wah

LeAnn Rimes gave her first post-rehab interview to the The Boston Herald last week, and in it the singer/bikini-inhabitant explained that social media forces were at the root of the anxiety and stress that drove her to seek inpatient care. Said LeAnn, "I think it's really hard to deal with Twitter and Facebook and all these social media outlets. And it's hard to take it day after day of reading and seeing things that someone you don't even know says about you. As much as you said you don't want it to penetrate, it does, because you're human." Now that she is feeling better and stronger, LeeLee will kick off a tour in Nevada this Friday. There's no word on the identity of the mystery person who held a gun to her head and forced her to open and maintain her Facebook and Twitter accounts before forcing her to call and curse out one of her former Twitter followers, but I sure hope this depraved criminal is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

[Radar Online]

Sarah Palin Supports Self-Love

No, not that kind. Get you head out of the gutter. Jeez. What I mean is that Sarah Palin has set up a second Facebook account under the alias "Lou Sarah" so that she can use the account to praise herself. Really. The folks at Wonkette caught Sarah trying to be sneaky when they searched her email address on Facebook and found the secondary account. Wonkette points out that Sarah's middle name is Louise -- hence the super clever alias. Aw, SPal! Are things so rough that you need to resort to "liking" your own page? Maybe it's time to go back to what you do best, which is...um...what is it anyway?

Coming Soon: Facebook Air! Facebook Blood Cells! Facebook DNA!!

Today at HTC's Mobile World Congress Event, Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook phones are in development. MZuck said that there will be as many as a dozen "phones with a deeper social integration" coming in 2011. Phew. I mean, I was starting to worry that there wasn't enough Facebook in our lives. Thank goodness Zucky heard my silent pleas, because I'd hate to be somewhere where I didn't have access to my ninth-grade language lab partner's Farmville inventory. That was a close one.

(Disclaimer: I dig Facebook -- usually. It's a daily struggle. For more on my love/hate relationship with Zuckerberg's baby, read this. Or this. And there's also this.)

Zuckerberg Claims "Multiple" Facebook Phones Coming This Year [Gizmodo]

Snoozefest 2011

Yawn. So, I had planned to write a Golden Globes wrap-up post, but damn if that show didn't bore me to tears. I did, however, Tweet my commentary live during the ceremony, so if you want the play-by-play, you can read it on F-Bomb's Twitter page. Otherwise, here are a few highlights:

Rick Gervais was very, very funny. However, the gay Scientologist joke might have gone a bit too far. Maybe. You can see his most controversial jokes from last night here.

Robert Downey, Jr. has become that guy. You know, the guy who, now that he has "done the work" on himself, feels qualified to act as the last word on what's appropriate for everyone else. To wit, RDJ went rogue with his presentation bit, saying, "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?'' Evidently Robert finds Ricky offensive. But here's the rub: RDJ then went on to deliver his own joke, that each Best Actress nominee isn't able to do her best work "until she's slept with me." So, in summary, Ricky Gervais's jokes are out of line, but joking that the female nominees f*cked their way to the top is not. Got it? I'm not sure I do, so contact Bobby himself if you have any questions.

"The Social Network" won a lot of awards, solidifying the fact that Facebook is more important than G*d.

Chris Colfer is pretty rad. This doesn't change the fact that "Glee" gives my soul a rash. But CC's acceptance speech for a very well-deserved award was beyond reproach. And I know from reproach, people. Watch it above.

Oh, and one last thing: A note to Giuliana Rancic, of the E! red carpet pre-show: Stop talking about diets and exercise, already. Some people were trying to enjoy a bottle of wine and pound of cheese during the show. I mean, I've heard they were. So stop with the endless weight-talk bullshit. And have a f*cking sandwich while you're at it. JUST SAYING.

Those Crazy Kids

"As you may know, I am a huge whore. I love dick so much." - the "About Me" statement on the Facebook page created by two Florida high school girls using a classmate's name. Oh, girls! In addition to the "About Me" blurb, 16 year-old Taylor Wynn and 15 year-old McKenzie Barber posted pornographic images of their classmate by Photoshopping the victim's head onto a nude, prepubescent body with an erect penis next to her face. Sugar and spice and everything nice! As a result of the fraudulent Facebook page, which accumulated over 180 friends, the victim was teased maliciously at school. When Wynn's mom asked her why she tormented the victim, the teen replied, "Because nobody liked her" and said it was because she thought it would be "a funny joke." You were right, Taylor. It's totally hilarious. If hilarious means horrifying. Winn and Barber have been charged with cyberstalking.

Here's the thing: none of this is surprising or new. And while most are probably relieved to see that the girls are facing serious charges, the charges don't address the real problem, which, unfortunately, is not as simple as two nasty teenagers. We're the problem -- the grown-ups. Yeah, you. Okay, maybe not you. But I can think of a bunch of public figures to whom I'd serve a piece of the culpability pie. Of course one questions the parents' responsibility in situations like these, but I have no idea what went on in either of those girls' houses. I do, however, know some of what goes on in the world around them. To wit, here's another oldie but goodie from the column archives. This one's for you, Taylor and McKenzie. Be better.

Originally published May 10, 2010

WHEN GIRLS ATTACK

Remember when kids bullied each other in person? Ah, those were the days. It was so much simpler when a girl was tripped in the lunchroom or pushed into the lockers, wasn’t it? Now, with all the fabulous new social networking sites out there, the bully has to choose his or her forum. Should I start a Facebook hate page or a name calling thread on Formspring? Twitter rant or MySpace assault? So many social networks to choose from, so much hate, and so little time. It’s hard out there for a mean girl. And it is the girls who seem to be causing all the trouble these days.

It must be the bevy of new sites where it’s easy to intimidate, harass, and talk plain ol’ smack about a person, because girls aren’t content with just an eye roll or the silent treatment at lunch anymore. They’re getting uglier and dirtier. Much has been written lately about the seeming spike in girl bullying, and the connection between this bullying and online social networks is a particularly hot topic. The New York Times published an article last week about Formspring and bullying in which one teenage girl said of the website’s posts, “In seventh grade, especially, it’s a lot of ‘Everyone knows you’re a slut’ or ‘You’re ugly.””  Later in the article, the mother of a teen explained what she saw in her daughter’s Formspring account, saying, “The comments are all gross and sexual.” I don’t know how much blame should be assigned to Formspring and Facebook and how much to parents – I do know that the psychosocial reasons why kids and teens bully each other are many and complicated. So I am not going to get into that whole thing. I would like to ask one question, though: is anyone really surprised? Girls are competing viciously. They’re attacking each other’s appearances and sexual behaviors. Um, of course they are. It’s no wonder that the graphic suggestions, ruthless insults, and angry intimidations are spilling from their fingers like so many OMGs and LOLs.  If they have eyes and ears, our girls are provided endless instruction on how to insult and hate other girls in the ugliest ways possible. There are cruelty classes everywhere they turn.

Print magazines, for one, do a great job of inciting nastiness among girls (see “Who Wore it Best” in Us Weekly or "Worst Bikini Bodies" in Star), but the real tutorial on hazing and slander is reality TV. It’s basically graduate school for bullies. I’m not talking about obvious girlfight spectacles like “The Bad Girls’ Club” or “The Real World.” I’m talking about the ostensibly more civilized shows like “The Bachelor.” Just think about “The Bachelor” for a minute. Twenty-five women compete on film for the affection of one man. On at least every other episode, one of the women pulls the bachelor aside to rat out another girl who is allegedly sleeping with someone else/hiding a secret past/really just a total b**ch. And when the man is not around, the women like to make each other cry. But, actually, “The Bachelor” looks like charm school compared to “The Real Housewives.” That show is 60 minutes a week of women hating each other for a living. Don’t get me wrong; I have enjoyed some episodes of this franchise in my day. There is something frighteningly hypnotic about a bunch of Botox-happy rich chicks competing in the Narcissism Olympics. It shouldn’t be entertaining, though, because these shows are dangerous given what they model for young girls.  Last season on the New Jersey version, Teresa called Danielle a “prostitution wh**e” before flipping over a table in her direction. In Orange County, Tamra forced alcohol on Gretchen at a dinner party to get her “naked drunk” in the hope she would embarrass herself. Oh, and, later, Tamra announced to everyone that there are naked internet photos of Gretchen. Let’s not forget New York, where the other housewives laughed at Ramona as she walked in a fashion show. They later traded snarky comments about how awful she looked. Hmmmm, sound familiar? I can’t imagine where teens are getting “Everyone knows you’re a slut” and “You’re ugly.”

There is definitely a bullying problem on websites like Formspring and Facebook, and it is certainly shocking to hear about such cruelty from young girls. I hope people continue to pay attention and think about better ways to help teens navigate the toxic combination of hormones and insecurity. But in the meantime, let’s take some ownership, grown-ups. I’m not preaching – I’m as guilty as anyone. I’ve watched marathons of the housewives. Marathons. But what are we encouraging in the media? What do we model and allow to be modeled for girls? How much cruelty do we laugh at every day? Give it some thought. We can’t expect the kids to change if the adults don’t. And if you are a young girl, please don’t accept the reality on these reality shows. You can be better. Please, please be better. In the name of all that is good and holy, I am begging you. BE BETTER.

Happy New Year, Lindsay Et Al!

In honor of Lindsay Lohan's impending release from rehab, here's an oldie but goodie from F-Bomb Café's first incarnation. Read it and weep, suckas.

Originally posted Sunay, April 4, 2010:

My dad is on Facebook. Go ahead and chuckle – it’s funny, right? My mom is, too, but that’s not as weird. For one thing, I don’t really care if my mom reads my status updates, no matter how profane or incriminating they might be. Mom’s no prude. For another, um, I speak to my mom. My dad and I haven’t spoken in three years. Don’t feel bad – that’s not my point (and I have a great therapist). My point is that it’s pretty bizarre that while he and I have not spoken to or seen each other since 2006, he regularly sends me chat invitations when I am logged in to Facebook. And the chat invitations don’t say “Sorry I’m an insensitive twit! Let’s talk!” They bing at me and say, “Cute dog!” or “Love the new profile pic!” I am just waiting for the day when he asks me to buy him a cow in Farmville or whatever it is you Farmville people do. And, so help me, if he asks me to join his mob in Mafia Wars, I will pop a cap in my Macbook. A decade ago, my father would have had to put effort into making a phone call or sending a card to try to repair our relationship. Now, he can send a quick message while he looks at his neighbor’s vacation photo album or takes a quiz to find out which Twilight character he is. Um…creepy.

It’s not that bad for me. Basically, I have to run away from some annoying IMs. It’s irritating, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s only Facebook. I can block my father. I can leave Facebook. Change the players to Lindsay Lohan and her father and the venue to Twitter, and we have a much more dangerous drama. To wit: Lindsay and her father had an all-out war on Twitter this week. Here are a few of her dad’s tweets (complete with his typos):

@LindsayLohan.. was I wrong for yelling .YES, but how about all the things mom did? remember Atlantis?Remember the lies to the cops?
@LindsayLohan..who WENT TO JAIL for 2 yrs because U and mom cried 2 me 2 come to LA,while I was on Probation,knowing I'd get violated?ME!
@LindsayLohan ..I never ever said that. I have it on my text (it is date and time stamped)! what is wrong with U?OOOPS!I already l know that
@LINDSAYlOHAN.. YOU R TWISTING THINGS JUST LIKE THE MEDIA DOES. THE VERY PEOPLE U CRITICIZE
@LindsayLohan.. done with ur&the other nonesense.Time to focus on what I have to

Okay, first of all, let’s just get the obvious out of the way. Lindsay Lohan has two of the worst parents ever to be allowed to reproduce, her father should be locked up (again), and it is no wonder Lindsay is a mess. Now, let’s think about what it must be like for Lindsay to read these tweets. She is assaulted with her father’s nonsense while the rest of the world reads it, too.  And her father, who is very obviously a delusional narcissist, has a stage. What chance does the poor girl have – did she ever have? How is she supposed to get away from this? I suppose she could move to some remote place where she reads and listens to no news, but let’s be realistic. She won’t and she shouldn’t have to. So, as long as Michael Lohan has Twitter followers, he can post this nonsense. As long as magazines print it, he will post this nonsense. And as long as he follows Twitter’s rules, none of which forbid emotionally abusing your daughter, there is nothing anyone can do about it, including Lindsay. This is where we go from creepy (my dad’s Facebook) to tragic.

I have made jokes at Lindsay’s expense in the past. I am a shameless consumer of celebrity gossip, and I am never ashamed to admit it. I poke holes in myself and marinate in Us Weekly whenever I get the chance. I read radaronline.com before I brush my teeth in the morning. I know the names of every one of the Beckham kids and every one of Tiger’s mistresses and was among the first to know when the latter number surpassed the former. But watching a family destroy each other on Twitter is more than I can take. Can’t families just go back to torturing each other the old fashioned way -- screaming matches at Thanksgiving dinner, showing up drunk to Junior’s graduation, stuff like that? And, please, if you want to tell someone you are sorry, say it like you mean it – with your mouth. Families are messed up enough, even the loving ones. Adding more ways for us to torture each other is just wrong. Let’s stick to Farmville and Mafia Wars online and leave the important stuff to that face-to-face thing we used to love so much.

Game Over

Yup. Can you see that image up there? Some dude proposed to his girlfriend on Facebook. For real, evidently. I am going to make 1 joke about this, and then I am going to weep quietly in the corner:

Their wedding registry is available through Farmville. They're hoping to get enough bales of hay to add some piglets to the farm.

See ya.

Image and bad news via Jezebel.

I'm Not Mean; That's Just My Avatar

Few things put fear in my heart like the wrath of a teenage girl. If you went to school, you know what I mean. Some time around 7th grade, all the girls sprout wings and drop fangs and enter into a world of hate. They hate their parents, their school, that girl, this shirt, her shoes, his voice, those jeans, and you. Before I go any further, let me say that of course I have met some pleasant, charming, middle school girls. Of course. But I was not one, nor did I know any when I was in middle school. My boss has a daughter who is one – a sweet, middle school girl. No, really. I’ve met her. She’s positive and loving and gracious. But, you know, she’s still in sixth grade. Full of light though she is, I wouldn’t turn my back on her; the proverbial shizzit could hit the fanizzle any day now. Horror aside, though, I empathize with the plight of the teenage girl. It’s hard business, that adolescent female stuff. Hormones and pimples and cramps, OH MY. It’s no wonder they turn on everyone – and they turn on no one more viciously than they do each other. In the epic journey through identity formation, girls take no prisoners. They are wont to decimate the self-esteem of every girl in their paths, if only so that their misery has company. As a girl, I can tell you there is relief in adulthood. Sure, some girls are still competitive and catty, but at the very least the behavior is subversive. Or, shall I say, it was. The fine folks at Facebook, in partnership with Playdom, now bring us “Sorority Life,” a role-playing game that offers you all the hate and hazing you enjoyed from middle school to college, in convenient Facebook form. Yay!

Here’s how the game works: Players choose and outfit their “Sorority Life” avatars and then spend real or game money (usually the former) to accumulate better clothes, flashier accessories, makeup, and boyfriends. Yes, one purchases boyfriends. Then, to rise up the ranks of fake sorority members, a player puts herself on a virtual runway with two or three other avatars so that the community of players can vote for the “girl” who is hottest. To gain even more status, a girl can fight another girl. In a "Sorority Life" fight, one player challenges another to a showdown. Their avatars are displayed next to lists of their assets, and whoever has the most (outifts, boyfriends, etc.) wins. And make no mistake; the game is all about trying to be the hottest chick around by publicly attacking and shaming other girls based on what they are wearing and how much stuff they have. There is no effort to disguise the agenda. Christa Quarles, CFO of the game’s manufacturer, Playdom, told jezebel.com,  “It’s as simple as an ‘I’m prettier than you are’ type of thing.” Great. But none of this is really shocking, right? Girls are mean, blah blah blah, and they like to harass each other on social networking sites, yeah, yeah, we know. Here’s the kicker: According to Quarles, of the approximately 700,000 daily players of “Sorority Life” on Facebook, the great majority are women over 35. Whaaat?!

My first reaction to the age of the players was this: What in the name of all that is good and holy would make a 35 year-old woman spend time and money animating herself so that she can prove her avatar is hotter than other avatars? It made no sense. I read the jezebel.com post over a week ago, though, and since then I've thought about it quite a bit. First of all, I need to lighten up, right? It’s a game. Look at "Grand Theft Auto." Plenty of grown men spend countless hours pretending to be felons who kill people and hire prostitutes. What’s worse? And why am I surprised that people like to recreate themselves online? Remember the early days of chat rooms, when “I’m a 20 year-old Olympic swimmer” translated to “I’m the creepy guy talking to himself at the bus stop?” Look at online dating sites, where every couch potato who subscribes to Mad magazine lists “mountain climbing” among his hobbies and War and Peace as the last thing she read. But, um, "Grand Theft Auto" is gross, chat rooms are creepy, and lying about yourself on match.com isn’t exactly a banner for your intact self-esteem.

My point is not that “Sorority Life” is the worst thing that has ever happened to our civilization. No, no, no. We have Miley and Speidi and The Housewives to destroy us. And, I’ll admit, a lot of online competition is lost on me. I always pick on Farmville, and I am still trying to figure out why anyone tries to be “Mayor” of a restaurant on Foursquare. You do know that you’re not real mayors, right, Foursquare-ers? So, maybe it’s me. I am not asking anyone to start a revolution. I don’t think “Sorority Life” warrants bloodshed or a boycott or anything. Rather, I just ask that you consider what the F is going on when adult women choose to pretend they are catty sorority girls. Come on, ladies. Weren’t the real “mean girls” days bad enough? Let’s save Facebook for what it’s good for, thinly veiled narcissism and sanctioned voyeurism. We’re grown-ups, after all.

When Girls Attack

Remember when kids bullied each other in person? Ah, those were the days. It was so much simpler when a girl was tripped in the lunchroom or pushed into the lockers, wasn’t it? Now, with all the fabulous new social networking sites out there, the bully has to choose his or her forum. Should I start a Facebook hate page or a name calling thread on Formspring? Twitter rant or MySpace assault? So many social networks to choose from, so much hate, and so little time. It’s hard out there for a mean girl. And it is the girls who seem to be causing all the trouble these days.

It must be the bevy of new sites where it’s easy to intimidate, harass, and talk plain ol’ smack about a person, because girls aren’t content with just an eye roll or the silent treatment at lunch anymore. They’re getting uglier and dirtier. Much has been written lately about the seeming spike in girl bullying, and the connection between this bullying and online social networks is a particularly hot topic. The New York Times published an article last week about Formspring and bullying in which one teenage girl said of the website’s posts, “In seventh grade, especially, it’s a lot of ‘Everyone knows you’re a slut’ or ‘You’re ugly.””  Later in the article, the mother of a teen explained what she saw in her daughter’s Formspring account, saying, “The comments are all gross and sexual.” I don’t know how much blame should be assigned to Formspring and Facebook and how much to parents – I do know that the psychosocial reasons why kids and teens bully each other are many and complicated. So I am not going to get into that whole thing. I would like to ask one question, though: is anyone really surprised? Girls are competing viciously. They’re attacking each other’s appearances and sexual behaviors. Um, of course they are. It’s no wonder that the graphic suggestions, ruthless insults, and angry intimidations are spilling from their fingers like so many OMGs and LOLs.  If they have eyes and ears, our girls are provided endless instruction on how to insult and hate other girls in the ugliest ways possible. There are cruelty classes everywhere they turn.

Print magazines, for one, do a great job of inciting nastiness among girls (see “Who Wore it Best” in Us Weekly or "Worst Bikini Bodies" in Star), but the real tutorial on hazing and slander is reality TV. It’s basically graduate school for bullies. I’m not talking about obvious girlfight spectacles like “The Bad Girls’ Club” or “The Real World.” I’m talking about the ostensibly more civilized shows like “The Bachelor.” Just think about “The Bachelor” for a minute. Twenty-five women compete on film for the affection of one man. On at least every other episode, one of the women pulls the bachelor aside to rat out another girl who is allegedly sleeping with someone else/hiding a secret past/really just a total b**ch. And when the man is not around, the women like to make each other cry. But, actually, “The Bachelor” looks like charm school compared to “The Real Housewives.” That show is 60 minutes a week of women hating each other for a living. Don’t get me wrong; I have enjoyed some episodes of this franchise in my day. There is something frighteningly hypnotic about a bunch of Botox-happy rich chicks competing in the Narcissism Olympics. It shouldn’t be entertaining, though, because these shows are dangerous given what they model for young girls.  Last season on the New Jersey version, Teresa called Danielle a “prostitution wh**e” before flipping over a table in her direction. In Orange County, Tamra forced alcohol on Gretchen at a dinner party to get her “naked drunk” in the hope she would embarrass herself. Oh, and, later, Tamra announced to everyone that there are naked internet photos of Gretchen. Let’s not forget New York, where the other housewives laughed at Ramona as she walked in a fashion show. They later traded snarky comments about how awful she looked. Hmmmm, sound familiar? I can’t imagine where teens are getting “Everyone knows you’re a slut” and “You’re ugly.”

There is definitely a bullying problem on websites like Formspring and Facebook, and it is certainly shocking to hear about such cruelty from young girls. I hope people continue to pay attention and think about better ways to help teens navigate the toxic combination of hormones and insecurity. But in the meantime, let’s take some ownership, grown-ups. I’m not preaching – I’m as guilty as anyone. I’ve watched marathons of the housewives. Marathons. But what are we encouraging in the media? What do we model and allow to be modeled for girls? How much cruelty do we laugh at every day? Give it some thought. We can’t expect the kids to change if the adults don’t. And if you are a young girl, please don’t accept the reality on these reality shows. You can be better. Please, please be better. In the name of all that is good and holy, I am begging you. BE BETTER.

From Rorschach to Facebook

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who care about Farmville and people who don’t give a crap about Farmville. If you don’t know what I am talking about, allow me to clarify. Farmville is a Facebook game. If you are not familiar with Facebook, well, I can’t really help you and I’m surprised you have an iPhone. I have mocked Farmville here before, partly because I don’t really get it, and partly because I am sick of seeing the strangely desperate pleas for farm supplies in my News Feed. “Clara needs 3 bricks to finish her nursery in Farmville!” “Tom sold his cow in Farmville!” “Laine’s new Farmville puppy is hungry! Please help!” I don’t know where these people get the bricks or the cows or the food, and I don’t care. I do know that Farmville is a game. I refuse to learn any more. I mean, adults with virtual puppies – hungry virtual puppies? It’s creepy, people. And stop asking me for hay bales. I don’t have any.

It’s a little funny, I admit, that I so disparage the Farmies (that's right, Farmies) given how much time I spend on Facebook. This is the second column about it. It’s that big a part of my life. I am what you might call a "frequent status updater." And I never bother to sign out. And I post photos of everything, from what I cooked for dinner tonight to the length of the security line I’m waiting in at the airport. I’m that Facebook friend. This morning, when I had the archetypal problem of trying desperately to formulate a status update when really I had nothing to say, it occurred to me that my Facebooking is a valid personality test. My posting behaviors reveal important things about me –  things that I embrace and things that I deny. And if you use Facebook (or, as they say, if you “have a Facebook”), this is probably true of you, too.  I’m not going to tell you the things it says about me; I’m horrified enough to discover how clearly I am revealed by my posting. Rather, I would like to tell you a few things I might know about you from your Facebook:

You like sappy movies. If you regularly post links to YouTube videos of animals, babies, or anyone performing an acoustic ballad, then you liked “The Notebook.” Or at least you would.

Your partner or spouse doesn’t pay enough attention to you. If you post gratuitous photos of yourself in formal clothing or take a new profile pic every week with your webcam, it might be time to see other people.

You talk too much when you’re drunk. If your relationship status is “It’s complicated,” you have a lot of stuff you’d like to talk about, but you usually wait until you are drunk to do it. And then you go home and call your ex. While you’re drunk. At 3 a.m. Hence the aforementioned complications.

You are under 25. If you have more than 10 friends whom you’ve never actually met, there are more than 500 “Photos of You,” or your status updates use too manyyyyyyy extra letterssssssss, you were not born before VH-1 was on the air.

You’re hardcore. If your profile information contains the word atheist, republican, or vegan, then you want us to know your position, you’re sticking to it, and you’d love to debate it. It’s not enough simply to be a vegan, atheist, or republican. I know plenty of indecisive, non-confrontational atheists. But they don’t identify as such in their Facebook profile information.

See? It’s no joke. I could go on and on. Now, of course, there are exceptions. I mean, all sorts of anomalies occur in nature, and therefore in Facebook. Sometimes a person likes kitten movies but not chick flicks. Absolutely. But, for the most part, you know I’m right.
 
Here’s the thing: whether or not there is any validity to my clever little list, the sad truth is that I sometimes think like this, and so do a lot of other people. It’s the new prejudice. Basically, there are two kinds of people in the world: people who treat Facebook like real human contact and people who don’t. I pick on the former group a lot, and in fact I am one of them. I don’t know about you, but I need to repersonalize my interpersonal communication. And I probably should stop drawing conclusions about people I don’t know. Except for the Farmies.
 

Family Dysfunction, 2010 Style

My dad is on Facebook. Go ahead and chuckle – it’s funny, right? My mom is, too, but that’s not as weird. For one thing, I don’t really care if my mom reads my status updates, no matter how profane or incriminating they might be. Mom’s no prude. For another, um, I speak to my mom. My dad and I haven’t spoken in three years. Don’t feel bad – that’s not my point (and I have a great therapist). My point is that it’s pretty bizarre that while he and I have not spoken to or seen each other since 2006, he regularly sends me chat invitations when I am logged in to Facebook. And the chat invitations don’t say “Sorry I’m an insensitive twit! Let’s talk!” They bing at me and say, “Cute dog!” or “Love the new profile pic!” I am just waiting for the day when he asks me to buy him a cow in Farmville or whatever it is you Farmville people do. And, so help me, if he asks me to join his mob in Mafia Wars, I will pop a cap in my Macbook. A decade ago, my father would have had to put effort into making a phone call or sending a card to try to repair our relationship. Now, he can send a quick message while he looks at his neighbor’s vacation photo album or takes a quiz to find out which Twilight character he is. Um…creepy.

It’s not that bad for me. Basically, I have to run away from some annoying IMs. It’s irritating, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s only Facebook. I can block my father. I can leave Facebook. Change the players to Lindsay Lohan and her father and the venue to Twitter, and we have a much more dangerous drama. To wit: Lindsay and her father had an all-out war on Twitter this week. Here are a few of her dad’s tweets (complete with his typos):

@LindsayLohan.. was I wrong for yelling .YES, but how about all the things mom did? remember Atlantis?Remember the lies to the cops?
@LindsayLohan..who WENT TO JAIL for 2 yrs because U and mom cried 2 me 2 come to LA,while I was on Probation,knowing I'd get violated?ME!
@LindsayLohan ..I never ever said that. I have it on my text (it is date and time stamped)! what is wrong with U?OOOPS!I already l know that
@LINDSAYlOHAN.. YOU R TWISTING THINGS JUST LIKE THE MEDIA DOES. THE VERY PEOPLE U CRITICIZE
@LindsayLohan.. done with ur&the other nonesense.Time to focus on what I have to

Okay, first of all, let’s just get the obvious out of the way. Lindsay Lohan has two of the worst parents ever to be allowed to reproduce, her father should be locked up (again), and it is no wonder Lindsay is a mess. Now, let’s think about what it must be like for Lindsay to read these tweets. She is assaulted with her father’s nonsense while the rest of the world reads it, too.  And her father, who is very obviously a delusional narcissist, has a stage. What chance does the poor girl have – did she ever have? How is she supposed to get away from this? I suppose she could move to some remote place where she reads and listens to no news, but let’s be realistic. She won’t and she shouldn’t have to. So, as long as Michael Lohan has Twitter followers, he can post this nonsense. As long as magazines print it, he will post this nonsense. And as long as he follows Twitter’s rules, none of which forbid emotionally abusing your daughter, there is nothing anyone can do about it, including Lindsay. This is where we go from creepy (my dad’s Facebook) to tragic.

I have made jokes at Lindsay’s expense in the past. I am a shameless consumer of celebrity gossip, and I am never ashamed to admit it. I poke holes in myself and marinate in Us Weekly whenever I get the chance. I read radaronline.com before I brush my teeth in the morning. I know the names of every one of the Beckham kids and every one of Tiger’s mistresses and was among the first to know when the latter number surpassed the former. But watching a family destroy each other on Twitter is more than I can take. Can’t families just go back to torturing each other the old fashioned way -- screaming matches at Thanksgiving dinner, showing up drunk to Junior’s graduation, stuff like that? And, please, if you want to tell someone you are sorry, say it like you mean it – with your mouth. Families are messed up enough, even the loving ones. Adding more ways for us to torture each other is just wrong. Let’s stick to Farmville and Mafia Wars online and leave the important stuff to that face-to-face thing we used to love so much.