Monday, January 31, 2011

Quick And Dirty, SAG Awards Edition


If you're new to F-Bomb, you might not know that, depsite the fact that we try to keep our posts substantive, awards show season doesn't count. While I'm not going to post any fashion reviews, I have been known to get a little caught up in, say, the Oscars. If you are interested in just how Oscar-crazy it can get up in here, you can read about it in this post. Oh, and in this one. In the meantime, please accept my disclaimer: I f*cking love the Oscars. And since the Golden Globes and the SAGs are basically Oscar foreplay, I love them, too. With that in mind, here is a wrap-up of last night's festivities:

Mark Wahlberg is the scariest man in Hollywood: What the hell is up with this "Boardwalk Empire" nonsense? Admittedly, I haven't watched it, but it's hard for me to believe that any show employing the hot mess that is Paz de la Huerta deserves all of these awards. However, Paz aside, "BE" has one thing in common with some other commercial and critical successes in Hollywood (Entourage and The Fighter to name two): Mark Wahlberg. Having watched him at the Globes and now the SAGs, I am certain that Mark is muscling viewers and votes. For real. When his material wins, he doesn't look happy. He looks like he's thinking, "That's goddam right. You just saved your kneecaps, Screen Actors' Guild/Hollywood Foreign Press/Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences." No joke. Funky Bunch or not, you don't cross Marky Mark. As a result, "BE" won two big awards last night: Best Actor in a Drama Series and Best Ensemble Cast. Which means it beat "Glee." That's right. Even cringeworthy musical numbers and rosy-faced "kids" can't steal MWahl's thunder. Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. [check out a complete list of SAG Awards winners]

Next time, I'm wearing sunglasses: I tried to focus on the awards and speeches last night, but I found myself squinting and looking away a lot. Why? The glare caused by light bouncing off of Botoxed foreheads. I mean, everyone knows that shiny skin is a Botox tell, but under normal circumstances, we're talking about just a little glossiness -- not the gamma ray that comes off a room full of Hollywood peeps. Even the three inches of makeup on each couldn't stop the immobile foreheads of death last night. Special awards to Angie Harmon and Claire Danes for Achievement in Paralyzed Muscle Visual Effects. Well done, ladies!

Natalie Portman has sex! And she curses! Look, I love me some Natalie Portman. Remember when she was in "The Professional?" She was, like, twelve -- and amazing. I loved her then and I love her now, even if I am a wee bit worried that one day she'll pop up with a quasi-English accent and a pretentious website ala Gwyneth Paltrow. For now, though, I still love Nat. And it seems that grown-up Ms. Portman is assaulting America with her adulthood. First there was that whole lesbian sex scene in Black Swan (gasp! oral sex! between women! OMGGGGG!), and then she goes and gets knocked up (and she's not even married! whore!), and now NPort is assaulting us with her terrible language and salacious jokes! At the Globes, Natalie pointed out that her costar and babydaddy "totally wants to sleep with" her, and last night she...wait for it...wait for it...said "asshole" on stage. Imagine? I guess that's how she was raised. But don't worry, Natalie's rebellious irreverence did NOT go unnoticed. The shameless smut pushers at the HuffPost took Nat to task this morning, asking if she is the "raunchiest leading lady" in Hollywood. Um, for saying "asshole" and admitting her pregnancy was not an immaculate conception? Well, I suppose someone has to watch over these ladies. We can't have intelligent, scandal-free women talking sex and swearing. Oh the humanity!

Best Red Carpet Line Ever: Jesse Eisenberg is my new BFF (cut to him shrieking with joy). Last night, the absolutely awful Giuliana Rancic was interviewing the star of "The Social Network" when she asked him how he made it to the awards in L.A. after hosting SNL in New York the night before. Quoth Jesse: "On an airplane. Those are very efficient." Despite the Eisenberg awesomeness, GRan was not deterred. She went on to treat Glee's Chris Colfer with all the sterotyping disrespect an idiot can muster. Thanks anyway, Jesse. And, Giuliana: stop talking. Forever.

Stop Looking At My Boobs! Why Aren't You Looking At My Boobs?


"I'm so mad right now. [They] promised I would be covered with artwork -- you can see the nipples!" - Kim Kardashian, continuing her NothingISayMeansAnything World Tour. On this week's episode of spinoff from hell "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," KKar has a full on breakdown over her recent nude photos for W magazine, crying and lamenting, "I've definitely learned my lesson. I'm never taking my clothes off again, even if it's for Vogue." Oh, sweet Jeezus, please let that be true. One has to be cynical given Kim's penchant for, well, taking her clothes off and the fact that she, well, took her clothes off for the nude photos that she seems so horrified by. Plus, as a general rule Kimmie can't keep her stories straight. Remember the whole Playboy thing? Well, this little mini-drama ends the same way: at the end of the show, Kim declares of the pics, "I'm glad I did them." Oh good. I'd hate to see you regret your talentless overexposure.

Um, What?


"Beware of what's coming. I really do believe that God has shed his grace on thee. We can't blow it. We can't allow an atrophy of the foundation that is America, that is so exceptional." - Sarah Palin, speaking at the Safari Club International's annual convention in Reno. Um, I think Sarah is warning that God is unhappy with us, but as usual she is speaking in Palinese -- otherwise known as barely literate rhetoric. Seeing as how Safari Club members like to kill animals for sport, I didn't attend the conference, but Andrew Romano at The Daily Beast offers an outstanding review of Palin's speech. There are so many awesome ramblings of an idiotic narcissist -- I mean, quotations from Palin's appearance -- that it's hard to pick favorites. But I think I can narrow it down to two more:

"Trig, I pull the Trig-ger."  (explaining how her son Trig got his name) What a great idea! Nothing says newborn baby love like shooting stuff.

and

"Imagine, though—imagine making life even more miserable for the liberals who want that gun control? Here's how I figure it. Remember that weird guy in Wisconsin was so angry, so upset, watching a Palin win slot after slot each week on Dancing with the Stars that he shot Bristol through his TV? He blasted his Panasonic? Well, I'm thinking, 'Imagine more gun control. Then he'd have to attack his Panasonic with a butter knife.'" - I'm not sure how preventing crazy people from shooting up their TVs makes things miserable for liberals, but I do know that Sarah managed to mention "Dancing With The Stars" at what was basically an anti gun-control rally, and for that I have to give the woman some props.

Ah, Sarah...you had me at "blood libel." Swoon.

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 6


This is a  photograph of The American Dream in action, people. Here we have the lovely Kacey Jordan, porn star party-friend of Charlie Sheen, posing for TMZ's cameras on her way out of the bank, where she cashed her paycheck (signed by Sheen) for $30,000. It's hard to look at this and not get a little emotional, isn't it? I mean, somewhere in the country a young girl is starting her day, thinking "One day I wanna get paid for sex and spend my days doing blow with addicted delinquent dads." Don't give up, little one! Kacey Jordan is here to show you that dreams DO come true.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Because We All Know Date Rape Doesn't Count


From Jezebel:

Congressional Republicans have introduced a bill that would allow women using government money to receive an abortion only in the event of forcible rape...The new bill would deny abortion coverage for women who were not forcibly raped, including victims of statutory rape and date rape. [The bill excludes date rape, but not statutory rape]

So, let's unpack this little tidbit. House Speaker Boehner and his buds have empowered themselves to decide when you've really been raped. And they want to say, listen, ladies: most of you pregnant, alleged "rape survivors" need to get over it already. Suck it up! It's not like it's some stranger's baby. Jeez.

If you'd like to read a more articulate attack on this outrageous, offensive, infuriating bullshit, or if you want to know what you can do about it, check out Tiger Beatdown. Please.

As Effective As The Monarchy


Forget commemorative coffee mugs! An English condom company has introduced Wills and Kate Royal Wedding rubbers! Called "Crown Jewels" (har), the sheaths promise to combine "the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be" resulting in "a royal union of pleasure." But here's the, uh, rub, so to speak: the company's website warns that "Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs." Oops! Bummer. Ineffectiveness aside, what the f*ck is "the YIELDING sensitivity of a princess-to-be"? Who says KMid can't tear it up in the sack? Come on, you bloody sexist wankers.

Friday, January 28, 2011

This Just In


Charlie Sheen has entered rehab. As you might already know, we don't pick on people in rehab. So all bets are off for now, Chuckie. Get well, brotha.

Apocalypse NOW


"EXCLUSIVE: Charlie Sheen's Porn Star Aborted Kevin Federline's Baby" - a headline right now at RadarOnline.com. I...it's...I can't. I'm weary, people. Pass the vodka, please.

Finally We Can Dispense With That Food Nonsense


Hey, Tracy Anderson! Think your baby food diet is the fast track to skinny? Well, inventor David Edwards has taken it a step further. Inhale your meals! Why burden your bodies with pureed food when you can skip swallowing all together? Edwards has introduced "Le Whif" and "Le Whaf," vaporizers that turn actual food into a cloud of vapor. Users inhale the vapor, which Edwards claims will satisfy one's cravings for that pesky edible stuff. Awesome! I'll have the chocolate steam, please, with a side of socialized anorexia and pervasive self-loathing. And put a rush on it!

By "Hernia" They Mean "Cocaine Induced Psychosis"


I imagine you've heard my now that Charlie Sheen was admitted to the hospital with crippling stomach pain after a days long bender with hookers and blow. According to Camp Charlie, he has a hernia. Right. Despite friends and family telling the press that they're worried about Charlie, his rep confirms that Sheen left the hospital last night and will be on the set of "Two and a Half Men" on Tuesday to resume filming. Have I mentioned he makes $1.8 million per episode? Yup. Don't do drugs, kids. They cause hernias.

Um, Because It's Friday, Volume One


I have no "reason" to post this. I have nothing new to say about Tiger. But, come on. This is just really, really, funny. I think so, anyway. Don't judge me.

Thanks to the inimitable Kamala H. for the headline.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Watch Out, Michael Lohan!


There's a NEW Father of the Year in town. Behold Eddie Cibrian, B-list actor and fiancé of country singer Leann Rimes. You might remember the much-maligned affair that brought these two together. If not, let's review: they made a movie together when both were married to other people, started having sex, denied the affair, admitted the affair, left their respective spouses, and have since run around the globe making out and filling Leann's chest with silicone. It's a true American love story. ANY'HO, the newest issue of Us Weekly reports (and therefore it MUST be true, right?) that Eddie is "tired of being portrayed as a philandering sleaze" so he has hired an image consultant. Said consultant's first move was to make Eddie "get rid of his Porsche and buy a Prius." Okay, so I guess recycling and infidelity are mutually exclusive. Kind of makes sense if you think about it. But here's the real rub: according to Us's source, "The consultant also told the actor to be seen more with [his] kids Mason, 7, and Jake, 3. 'Instead of going to a Lakers game with his buddy, the consultant insisted he bring a son.'" Awww. I love father and son time mandated by an image consultant. See you in rehab, Mason!

Because I Needed A Reason Not To Eat There?


It's no secret that I'm not big into eating dead birds. But I understand that not everyone shares my culinary predilections, and I'm not one to slam meat eaters simply because I think it's gross. However, vegetarianism aside, the restaurant Chik-fil-A is a big bucket of suck. The food sucks, the restaurants suck, and -- guess what? The people who run it suck. To wit, here is a statement from Chik-fil-A's charitable organization, WinShape, when asked if same sex couples are allowed at the organization's "retreats":

"WinShape Retreat defines marriage from the Biblical standard as being between one man and one woman. Groups/Individuals are welcome who offer wholesome, educational conferences and programs that are compatible with Biblical values and WinShape's purpose. We do not accept homosexual couples because of the statement in our contract."

Right. Likewise, I don't accept ignorant drivel from a company whose food is disgusting and whose politics are worse. So I guess we're even. Oh, and also: f*ck you.

And Then Bake Him Cookies And Cry Over Puppies


"You never want to tell your man he can’t do something — he’s going to want to do the exact opposite. Instead, be the great girlfriend that you are and trust him (even if you don’t…pretend). Remember, he didn’t get involved with you because he wanted another mom. To keep your mind off of what trouble he’s causing, I suggest having a night of your own. Even if it doesn’t involve The Hangover-style shenanigans your boyfriend may be having, do something that makes YOU happy...Whatever it is, if you’re genuinely worried that your man might be getting into trouble, do something that will distract you. And when he gets home all worse for the wear, don’t ask too many questions." - brilliant advice from Laura at HollywoodLife.com. Now, keep in mind that HollywoodLife is a celebrity gossip site - which makes this post even better. The title is "Should You Be Cool About Your Man Having A Boys Night Out, Like K-Stew Did With Rob?" Yes, she is referring to Twilight stars and real life lovahs Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. And since making decisions about your relationships based on speculation about strangers isn't always enough to keep love alive, Laura decided to chime in with her own dysfunctional suggestions. If you don't trust him: pretend! And don't ask too many questions. Women should be seen and not heard, and all good relationships are based on silence. We all know that. Hey Laura: you're an asshat.

Walmart Is So Awesome


The peeps at Walmart took a break from censoring music and violating labor rights to introduce a new skincare and makeup line for girls aged 8-12. The line, called GeoGirl, includes cleanser, mineral blush, eyeshadow, mascara, face shimmer and body mist as well as anti-aging products. Well, thank GOD. There is nothing I hate more than a fourth grader with crow's feet. And don't even get me started on those Girl Scouts without bronzer. I mean, how in the world is a pre-pubescent girl supposed to get a date without body mist? Good looking out, Walmart.

There Are Almost No Words, Volume Two


"According to sources in the fragrance industry hired to develop Lady Gaga‘s first fragrance, the pop star has requested that the scent 'smell of blood and semen.'" - a report at Fashionista.com. I...it's just...Jeezus. Okay, look, maybe this isn't true. But we all expect that it is, right? And if it is, I can safely say that I have arrived at the end of my Gaga rope. I'm all for performance art, and I'm all for challenging and exploring our society's ideas about pop stars, but, um, meat dresses and body fluid perfume? Just stop. Revulsion is pretty easy, LG; ask any 13 year-old boy who can fart on command. Time for a vacation, sister. Just saying.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Say It With Me: Porn Sunday!




"On February 6, 2011 millions of people will watch the biggest football game on Sunday afternoon. It's time to confront the elephant in the pew. Join with over 300 churches on 5 continents to tackle this issue on February 6th. We are opening up registration to Churches and to Individuals that want to throw 'Porn Sunday Pre-Game' Parties." - from XXXChurch.com. Yes: XXXChurch.com, a website that promises...wait for it..."masturbation addiction recovery and support." In the video above, one participant explains the special event, which is designed to destigmatize discussions about pornography. Really, though, what the event intends to do is to cure you (yes, you) of your sinful porny ways. Because, as this dude points out, what porn really does is "train your mind to want that fantasy over reality." Yeah, I mean, we all know that fantasy has no place in healthy sexuality, right? Plus, I think if organized religion has shown us anything, it's that church officials really know how to handle sexuality. Just look at the Vatican! So, if you too would like to repress your urges to the point that they resurface as even more dangerous behaviors leading you to a life of id/superego conflicts and existential unrest, sign up now! Porn Sunday! WHOOT!

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 5


"Life & Style can exclusively reveal that Bachelor contestant Michelle Money had an affair with NBA star Carlos Boozer - while he was married. Opening up about the scandal for the first time, Michelle tells Life & Style, 'Yes, I was in a relationship with Carlos while he was still married. What I did was wrong.'" - from a Life&Style press release about "The Bachelor" contestant Michelle Money. Um...okay. Michelle goes on to explain that she thought he was separated but she takes responsibility and she's sorry his wife got hurt and blah blah blah. Hey, MiMo: NOBODY ASKED. Now, I don't watch "The Bachelor," because even I have limits, but apparently Ms. Money has been acting up there, too. What a surprise. Also shocking: she has dabbled in acting. Which means that -- you guessed it -- she might not really be looking for love. I know, it's hard to believe. So, according to my famewhore flow chart, we can expect a sex tape, an abusive boyfriend, or an addiction to surface any day now. Maybe if we're lucky it'll be all three! I, for one, can't wait. Stay classy, Mickie!

Quick and Dirty


Wasted away again in Margaritaville: Jimmy Buffett is in stable condition at a hospital in Australia after falling from the stage at his concert. Some audience members blame a "huge flash of light" for blinding Jimmy and causing his fall; others believe JBuf was trying to jump from the stage when he misjudged the distance and fell. And SOME people think that there's a wo-man to blame...but he knows it's his own damn fault. [TMZ]

Speaking of people who weren't at all drunk: After pictures and video of Jessica Simpson stumbling out of hip Hollywood eatery Katsuya hit the Interwebs yesterday, a "friend" of JSimp's claims that Jess "had just finished a cleanse and this was the first meal she had eaten in days," resulting in an unexpected sake-to-blood ratio. Mm-hmm. Physically dangerous and overhyped cleanse: $150. Dinner at trendy restaurant: $250. Pounding shots of sake and then pretending to be your own "friend" to make excuses for your booziness: priceless. [The New York Post]

Ohhhh. Then it's not at all offensive: Remember last year when Sandra Bullocks's husband Jesse James was cheating on her with all manner of flora and fauna and then photos surfaced of him dressed as a Nazi? Yes? Good times. Well, Us Weekly has obtained more photos of Jesse celebrating Nazism  -- just in time to punctuate JJ's engagement to the lovely (choke) Kat Von D! But don't get it wrong: Jesse doesn't hate Jews. No, no. An insider explains that "The swastika deal is to scare people. It's part of biker culture." Well, in that case, JJ, please resume mocking the death of 6 million people to compensate for your small penis. Mazel Tov! [HuffPost]

Oh no! Unconditional love! LOOK AWAY! LOOOOK AWAY!!!!! Grocery store chain Harps, which boasts 60 locations in Oklahoma, Missouri, and Arkansas, has blocked the Us Weekly cover photo of Elton John, his husband David Furnish, and their newborn baby son, Zachary, from shoppers' eyes. The store placed a "family shield" over the photo "to protect young Harps shoppers." Thank god. Two people choosing to create and nurture a life together despite unjust societal obstacles is no kind of image for children. Shudder! Hey Harps: F*CK YOU. [Jezebel]

Can't I just hate "Glee" in peace?: Glee's creator, Ryan Murphy, says that he plans to tighten the reins on the show's sexuality out of respect for younger viewers. Speaking about a recent masturbation scene, Murphy told The Hollywood Reporter, "I personally did not think it was too much, but I immediately heard from parents and even my gay friends who were like, 'I wasn't comfortable knowing that my 8-year-old niece in Maryland was watching that. From now on, I will sweat every single word and how we're presenting it...I think all parties involved learned a lesson about how parents look to the show as something inspirational and aspirational. We all realized that we have to be a little more careful when it comes to sexuality." Wait, wait, wait. Is he, like, taking responsibility and accepting accountability and caring about the messages his show sends to kids? Stop it right now, Ryan Murphy. Stop it. Don't go and get all respectable on me. No matter how well you conduct yourself, those musical numbers still make me want to drink bleach. So there. Hmmph. [HuffPost]

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

From The Files of "No Duh," Edition 12.0


An Alabama law firm is suing Taco Bell because the restaurant chain's meat doesn't contain enough, um, meat. Attorney Dee Miles claims that tests show the "beef" mixtures at the fast food franchise contain less than 35% beef. So what does the mixture contain? Just some water, isolated oat product, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agent, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch, and sodium phosphate. Yum! Taco Bell certainly does seem to be engaging in false advertising by calling the mixture beef, but, um, I'm not sure how surprised anyone should be. Generally, for better or worse, 99 cents doesn't buy Grade A cow flesh. Just saying. Now pass the sodium phosphate chalupa!

Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Volume Two


"Either way, what matters is that she's looking slimmer than usual. Thank the lord for that..." - from a post at X17online that accompanies this photo of Jessica Simpson. Okay, look, I'm not going to lie and act like I haven't had a few good laughs at JSimp's expense, because, you know, the girl says some pretty hilarious/ridiculous stuff. But who the hell works at this website? "WHAT MATTERS is that she's looking slimmer"??? Yeah, that's what matters. I'm not sure how to put this, because, you know, it's difficult to articulate just how offensive, dangerous, and profoundly stupid statements like these are. It's hard to summarize in one blog post the psychosocial ramifications of this idea, these attitudes, and our desensitization to them. And since it is, as such, a topic for a much longer post, let me say just this for now: Fuck you, X17.

Also, We Love Shoes, Unicorns, And Rainbows


"Women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we're not very good at nailing that down for them. I feel like I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring." - Jennifer Love Hewitt, explaining to Ellen DeGeneres why she has already picked out 3 engagement rings in case her boyfriend of 7 months decides to propose. Oh my God, Jen, you are, like, so, totally, right! I never know what I want! It's so confusing being a girl! And isn't math hard? Asshat. JHew continued to spew embarassing, dated, desperate drivel about her upcoming wedding that isn't, telling Ellen, "If marriage comes up, I'm like, "You know what's so weird. There is this store [Tiffany's] and there are three rings in it... And if you chose one of these three, I'm going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?" Why indeed, Jenny. WHY INDEED.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Snarkbreak



Instead of talking about all the asshats in the media today, let's take the day to reflect on this video. Because it's really, really funny. I'm in Los Angeles trying to find Lindsay so I can administer my own drug test. No luck so far. I'll be back tonight to catch up on all the very important events of the day. So check back tonight or tomorrow, when we will resume our regularly scheduled rage. Peace out, peeps.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Litigiousness Gone Wild


"An escort did an illegal sexual act on me during her paid service to me. I had almost gotten arrested. I would like the court to close the business. I also would like to get my $275 payment back and a $1.8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened." - the actual words from legal papers filed by college student Hubert Blackman. Let's review how this "tragic event" went down: Hubert was vacationing in Las Vegas. He called escort company Las Vegas Personals and ordered a stripper to his room. The woman gave Hubie a lap dance and striptease for $155 and a "sex act" for $120. The next morning, our buy Hugh had a little buyer's remorse and called Las Vegas Personals, demanding they refund his money because his escort left before the full hour he had paid for was over. When the company refused to give him a refund, Hubert...wait for it...wait for it...called the police. The PoPo told him that he could get arrested for soliciting a prostitute, at which point Hugh decided to file the law suit referenced above, claiming that he now has a "mental condition" due to the incident. Ha, yeah you do, Hugh. It's called TJS -- Total Jackass Syndrome. Even better, he claims that he was incapable of consenting to his agreement with the stripper because he was drunk. Drunk in Vegas while hiring a stripper? Stop it. This story is so awesome that I can't decide which is the best part: that Hugh tried to get a refund from an escort service, that he called the police, or that he used the phrase "an escort did an illegal sexual act on me" in a legal document. Tough call. I hate to tell you, Hughie, but I don't think any judge is going to agree that an abbreviated blow job qualifies as a "tragic incident." But hey, maybe there's precedent here for $1.8 million blue balls. I hope so, because I'd hate to think that Hugh might be trying to capitalize on his own idiocy. That never happens in this country, right? Nah.

Why, Bravo? WHY?



I have written about The Real Housewives...a lot. I stopped watching the franchise crapfests a while ago, but I still catch clips online every week. Which is good, because, you know, I like to keep tabs on the unraveling of society. What if some half-silicone wealthy woman thinks of a new way to humiliate herself and the entire human race -- and I miss it? I can't have that. So, here they are, fighting the good fight, continuing to reinforce the worst stereotypes, and proving that many people value a cover of Us Weekly more than the last shreds of self-respect they've locked up in a safe deposit box somewhere. Enjoy. Oh, and if you want to read a longer, less weary evaluation of The Real Housewives and the mark they've left, you can do so here. Oh, and here. And also, um, here.

Gooooood morning!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 14



"I find it almost remarkable for a black man to say, 'we're going to decide who are people and who are not people.'" - Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania Senator and possible Presidential candidate. He is referring to Obama's position on abortion, which in the conservative Republican's opinion is not only wrong but also inconsistent with the President's skin color. In case you don't immediately follow Dickie's logic (because it's idiotic), he is insinuating that since blacks were once counted as 3/5 of a person each in the Constitution (one of our country's high points, for sure), they must refrain from denying a fetus its constitutional rights. Get it? I hope not. Basically, RSan thinks blacks have a moral imperative to be pro-life. Forget opinions, or reevaluation, or personal ideology. No, no, no. Slavery says you have to be pro-choice. Because if there is anything a history of oppression teaches a group of people, it's to listen to politicians like Rick Santorum who want to take individual autonomy away. Definitely. Hey, you know what I find remarkable, Dick? That it's 2011 and you still say stupid crap like this.

Thanks to Gawker for the heads up.

P.S. I know the video is oversized. And I'm too impatient to fix it. Don't judge me. 

Backhanded Compliments, Volume Three



Walmart is getting healthy! According to The New York Times, the company has announced a 5 year plan to "make thousands of its packaged foods lower in unhealthy salts, fats and sugars, and to drop prices on fruits and vegetables." The plan is a result of ongoing talks between the country's leading retail chain and First Lady Michelle Obama. This is great. I mean, go to a Walmart -- particularly one in an economically depressed area -- and you'll find the problem of national obesity screaming at you from the shelves. There is barely any produce, most of the prepared food is processed beyond recognition, and more healthful items, such as whole-grain foods, are prohibitively expensive compared to less healthful options. All to say, this initiative is a huge step in the right direction for the inarguably influential chain. Now if they could just address their egregious labor practices, affinity for censorship, and suburban sprawl culpability, I might stop sending them hate mail.

This brings a tattooed teardrop to my cheek: Jesse James, indiscriminately philandering ex-husband of Sandra Bullock, is engaged to Kat Von D of "LA Ink." Jesse tells People magazine that "2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs." Awww. Wittle Jesse feels like the "world turned their backs" on him. That's so sad. Maybe it was the Nazi photos, you jackass. Anyway, congratulations. I can say with no sarcasm that these two appear to be made for each other. Mazel tov.

Another Palin is in da house! Bristol Palin has apparently changed her son Tripp's last name; the boy, who was originally named Tripp Johnston after his father, Levi, is now Tripp Palin. Seeing as how Levi is a famewhoring bum who rarely sees his kid, it makes sense that Bristol might want to drop his name. Although, now that I think about it, Palin is sort of a lateral move, isn't it? Anyway, I think it's senseless that any kids automatically take their dads' names, so, more power to you, Bristol! While you're "cleaning house," so to speak, could you do just one thing for me? Okay, three things: Shut up, tell your mom to shut up, and then stay far away from reality TV. Both of you. Thanks! [RadarOnline]

It's Not You; It's Me, Edition 4.0


We're going to be a little late with posting today. Sorry. It's not my fault. The man is keeping me down.

Come back this afternoon, though; we'll be back after lunch to catch up. In the meantime, enjoy one of Ice T's latest Tweet (above). Poetry, people. Poetry.

Also, She Like Rainbows And Unicorns



"Are you high maintenance? I can't imagine you being a subservient wife...If I was going to woo you, how would I do that?" - Piers Morgan, interviewing former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice last night on (you guessed it) CNN. You remember Condi of course. Let's review: In addition to being the first African-American woman to serve as Secretary of State, Rice has a PhD in political science. She is also an accomplished classical pianist who played piano with the Denver symphony at the age of 15. And of course, while serving as Secretary of State, she was a major force behind supporting democracy in the greater Middle East -- for better or worse. And yet Piers WhoTheHellGaveMeAShow Morgan began his interview by asking Rice the same questions Cosmo asks its readers. BECAUSE SHE'S A CHICK, YOU KNOW. Jackass.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Momma Lohan Introduces Her New And Improved Meal Ticket!


Of course, by "meal," I mean "drugs and tanning." Anyway, here's the big news from Mom of the Year Dina Lohan, which she delivered exclusively to RadarOnline:

"[Lindsay's] brother wants to go back to acting now...We're working on a movie for him, and I am the executive producer, with Michael being the star...We are actively working with investors now." Sure you are, Pumpkin. Michael is Lindsay's 23 year-old younger brother, by the way. I can understand why Dina is pushing this project. I mean, the whole Lindsay thing didn't work out, what with the addiction and mental illness and all, and younger sister Ali never picked up any speed as an actress, seeing as how she doesn't really have any talent. What's a famewhoring mom to do? Roll out another kid! Third time's a charm! Nah, I'm kidding. After she f*cks up this kid, she still has 14 year-old son Dakota to ruin. Keep 'em coming, Dina!

Perez Hilton Loves Child Abuse!


"No, no! Stop it! See! We're getting SUCKED IN! Aaaah!" - perennial jackass Perez Hilton, joking about a clip from the show "Toddlers and Tiaras." Apparently, PHilt can't get enough of T&T, calling it "like crack." Yeah, watching the destruction of childhood is addicitng. Loser. If you haven't already read about the terrifying, televised child abuse currently airing on TLC, you can do so here. And here. And, you know, since I posted those rants, I've had several friendly (um, ish) debates about whether I am promoting the show by writing about it. So I'd like to thank Perez for making my point for me and showing us all the difference between responsible critique and irresponsible sensationalism. Now I'm going to give another scourge on society some attention by linking you to Perez's post. I'm sure he'd love some comments about what a fine job he is doing. You suck, Perez.

Those Kooky Vaticanites


The Associated Press has obtained a 1997 letter from the Vatican instructing Catholic bishops not to report child molestation charges to the police. The late Archbishop Luciano Storeo, who served as diplomat to Ireland under Pope John Paul II, signed the letter, warning bishops they would be fired if they reported to the authorities cases of child abuse. Yeah, um, that's rather incriminating, isn't it? I always feel a little out of the loop where popular religion is concerned, and with all due respect to those more devout than I, I was of the idea that God/Gods -- all of 'em -- generally frown on child abuse. Right? So, it's fair to assume that said God/Gods would, generally of course, also frown on institutionalized protection for pedophile criminals? Or am I crazy? JUST ASKING. Oh, and I guess there's another potential problem. Gah. That pesky sex abuse stuff. See, Pope John Paul II is up for Sainthood, and this letter might throw a little wrench in the canonization plans. Bummer. Sorry, dude. But, you know, GENERALLY, saints don't have massive molestation cover-ups on their hands. JUST SAYING.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

We Don't Need Gun Control -- Not At All


"A 14-year-old South Carolina boy used the rifle his father bought him as a birthday present to shoot the man to death, along with a great-aunt, and critically wound his grandmother, police said Tuesday." - the first paragraph of a report from CNN. And that paragraph pretty much tells the whole story. The boy, who has no record of behavior problems, had no explanation for the shooting and will face charges of murder and attempted murder. Um...WHO THE FUCK BUYS A FOURTEEN YEAR-OLD A RIFLE?????

Not convinced yet? Moments before I read this article, CNN reported that a student in Gardena, California brought a gun to school in his backpack, dropped the backpack, and accidentally shot two students. Because, you know, sometimes one needs to bust a cap in geometry class. But guns aren't a problem in this country. Plus, this is exactly the kind of bearing arms that the 2nd amendment refers to. Exactly.

Add This Woman To The List


The list of asshats, I mean. I'm not talking about Christina. I'm talking about Charla Krupp, a writer for Time magazine. You know, Time, right? The "real news" magazine that people used to respect? Yeah, that one. Well, the jackass editors at Time green-lit Krupp's article called "Golden Globes Fashion: 5 Stars Who Looked Fat and 5 Who Looked Fit." For real. Here are a few gems from the article:

"Jennifer Lopez just can't stay away from white. Rule No. 1: White is a fright on an ample derriere, or on anyone who is not a size 0."

"Jennifer Love Hewitt looks big all over in this ivory Ramona Kevez number with a clamshell top, ill-fitting beaded belt and billowy bottom. Topping this high-calorie confection with a skyscraper bun doesn't help."

Right on, Charla! Who ARE these size 6 savages walking the streets in white? Revolting! As if they knew the article is offensive, either Charla herself or the editors at Time added what I interpret as a parenthetical disclaimer to the article's photo gallery, which reads "5 Who Looked Fat (Even Though They Aren't)." Nice try. Declaring an entire color off limits for millions of women and calling clothing "caloric" just to drive home the notion that you -- yeah you -- might look fat is a ridiculous, dangerous message now matter how you try to soften it. And, really, in Time? What the f*ck? I guess I should be grateful. Because, you know, I was stressed out today about health care and U.S./China relations until I found out that some women at the Golden Globes didn't look skinny enough. Phew. Now I'm informed. Thanks, Charla! You idiot.

Props to Jezebel for the heads up.

Well, That's Just Weird


"Giselle (Bundchen) is a supermodel, and I've pinched her in real life just to see if she has body fat -- zero body fat!" - E! host Giuliana Rancic. Sounds a little crazy, no? But wait --  GRan had a reason to, uh...check Giselle's body fat. Guiliana's supermodel grope was in response to the media buzz that GRan's skinniness is the reason she can not stay pregnant. Says Giuliana, "As a woman you blame your body, you blame yourself, and I was riding that wave for a while and I was playing the blame game...It's unbelievable to me the amount of ignorant comments that come in and it's just uninformed ignorant people." Fair enough. It is absolutely ignorant that blogs and magazines reinforce the unmitigated suffering that couples experience during infertility struggles by speculating that Giulina's fatlessness is to blame. Absolutely. But, um, a little note to Giuliana: Maybe you should lay off the obsessive diet and exercise talk and that whole blogging your diet thing thing. Plus, as for the Giselle grab, proclaiming that you have personally, manually investigated a supermodel's body fat is not going paint you in the sanest, most eating disorder-free light. Just saying.

Backanded Compliments, Special Edition


"EXCLUSIVE: Lindsay Lohan Passes Drug & Alcohol Tests" - the top headline right now at RadarOnline. According to the post, Lindsay has passed 10 random drug and alcohol tests in the two weeks since she left rehab. Which is awesome. But I have to admit, when I opened Radar's home page and got smacked in the face with that headline, I choked and coffee came out of my nose. That's hot, right? Seriously, though, something about this made me laugh. Sorry, Linds. There is, in fact, nothing funny about this headline or about addiction in general. But, you know, it's been a long run of Loopy Lindsay and the Speedball Caper. Still, no matter how many times Lindsay steals, lies, and otherwise acts like a druggie, I, for one, will always root for her. Had any child on the street been as mistreated as Lindsay has been by her parents, society would have rallied around her. But instead, because of her wealth and celebrity, we all just watched and gasped as she surrendered her childhood to her parents' greed and slipped deeper into crazy. All to say, I feel for Lindsay. So, you go, girl; get on with your sober self. If you emerge from that family of yours healthy and well, I for one will be more than happy to celebrate you. For realz. But once you are clean, all bets are off, and I get to mock you again. Cool? Good. Now carry on.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wait -- WHAT??!!!


The photo above is a screen capture from a post on the home page of Gawker.com. Um, what the FUCK, Brian Moylan? In case you can't read the actual item, it says, "And you thought Demi Lovato was the worst tweener. Well, she is, but this still A list tweener and C list to the rest of the world broke up with her boyfriend after she got an abortion." Look, I like a good blind gossip item as much as the next person, but this is revolting and inexcusable. I mean, on top of the fact that this is none of ANYONE's fucking business, might we take a minute and consider the implications of the post if there is any truth to the story? Nothing like a little callous irresponsibility with the physical and mental health of children to start of the day! Asshole. And, P.S., BMoy, "tween" refers to kids between 8 and 12. Demi Lovato is 19. Keep up the good work! Grrrrrr.

Oh, if you want to tell him to stop being such a creep, you can email Brian Moylan at brian[at]gawker.com.

Snoozefest 2011



Yawn. So, I had planned to write a Golden Globes wrap-up post, but damn if that show didn't bore me to tears. I did, however, Tweet my commentary live during the ceremony, so if you want the play-by-play, you can read it on F-Bomb's Twitter page. Otherwise, here are a few highlights:

Rick Gervais was very, very funny. However, the gay Scientologist joke might have gone a bit too far. Maybe. You can see his most controversial jokes from last night here.

Robert Downey, Jr. has become that guy. You know, the guy who, now that he has "done the work" on himself, feels qualified to act as the last word on what's appropriate for everyone else. To wit, RDJ went rogue with his presentation bit, saying, "Aside from the fact that it's been hugely mean-spirited with mildly sinister undertones, I'd say the vibe of the show has been pretty good so far, wouldn't you?'' Evidently Robert finds Ricky offensive. But here's the rub: RDJ then went on to deliver his own joke, that each Best Actress nominee isn't able to do her best work "until she's slept with me." So, in summary, Ricky Gervais's jokes are out of line, but joking that the female nominees f*cked their way to the top is not. Got it? I'm not sure I do, so contact Bobby himself if you have any questions.

"The Social Network" won a lot of awards, solidifying the fact that Facebook is more important than G*d.

Chris Colfer is pretty rad. This doesn't change the fact that "Glee" gives my soul a rash. But CC's acceptance speech for a very well-deserved award was beyond reproach. And I know from reproach, people. Watch it above.

Oh, and one last thing: A note to Giuliana Rancic, of the E! red carpet pre-show: Stop talking about diets and exercise, already. Some people were trying to enjoy a bottle of wine and pound of cheese during the show. I mean, I've heard they were. So stop with the endless weight-talk bullshit. And have a f*cking sandwich while you're at it. JUST SAYING.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

We're Tweeting The Globes


And, no, this isn't a new sex trick. F-Bomb Café will be posting live Golden Globes commentary on Twitter -- starting with pre-show madness at 4pm Pacific/7pm Eastern (isn't math hard?). Find us here. You know you want to!

There Were So Many Options For This Title


"Worm For Your Worm" and "Putting The Dong In Dong Ching Xia Cao" were the front runners, but really the best title is "Stupid Rich Dudes Just Got Stupider." Let's go with that one. With that settled:

The New York Post reports that men are paying $800 an ounce for Himalayan, fungus-encrusted silkworms. Called dong ching xia cao, the insects' dead, encrusted bodies promise viagra-like effects. Of course, there is no evidence that the worms work (which is also the problem they are purported to solve, coinicidentallly -- ba-dum-bum). But, unlike other, inferior products designed to help improve sexual performance, this one promises child labor and meaningless violence. Awesome! Viagra-schmiagra! According to the Post, "The infected worms are picked by peasants during the summer in isolated villages along the Annapurna trail. Schools shut down for the lucrative picking season so children can join the hunt for the expensive aphrodisiac. Competition for the cash crop between remote mountain towns has turned bloody, with mobs murdering poachers." Ah, whatever. Kids, murder, blah, blah, blah. Boners for life!




ASSHATS.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 4


This is a photo of Michelle "Bombshell" McGee posing with a magazine while waiting to have LASIK eye surgery.  As you see, she is either licking or taunting Sandra Bullock's photo. This would be merely strange if she didn't have a history with Bullock, but you probably remember that in fact SBul divorced her husband (also in the magazine photo) because he was sleeping with McGee. That's cute. She seems nice, doesn't she, that Bombshell McGee? If nice is the same as pathetic and desperate, I mean.

Thanks to TMZ for the photo.

Those Crazy Kids


"As you may know, I am a huge whore. I love dick so much." - the "About Me" statement on the Facebook page created by two Florida high school girls using a classmate's name. Oh, girls! In addition to the "About Me" blurb, 16 year-old Taylor Wynn and 15 year-old McKenzie Barber posted pornographic images of their classmate by Photoshopping the victim's head onto a nude, prepubescent body with an erect penis next to her face. Sugar and spice and everything nice! As a result of the fraudulent Facebook page, which accumulated over 180 friends, the victim was teased maliciously at school. When Wynn's mom asked her why she tormented the victim, the teen replied, "Because nobody liked her" and said it was because she thought it would be "a funny joke." You were right, Taylor. It's totally hilarious. If hilarious means horrifying. Winn and Barber have been charged with cyberstalking.

Here's the thing: none of this is surprising or new. And while most are probably relieved to see that the girls are facing serious charges, the charges don't address the real problem, which, unfortunately, is not as simple as two nasty teenagers. We're the problem -- the grown-ups. Yeah, you. Okay, maybe not you. But I can think of a bunch of public figures to whom I'd serve a piece of the culpability pie. Of course one questions the parents' responsibility in situations like these, but I have no idea what went on in either of those girls' houses. I do, however, know some of what goes on in the world around them. To wit, here's another oldie but goodie from the column archives. This one's for you, Taylor and McKenzie. Be better.

Originally published May 10, 2010

WHEN GIRLS ATTACK

Remember when kids bullied each other in person? Ah, those were the days. It was so much simpler when a girl was tripped in the lunchroom or pushed into the lockers, wasn’t it? Now, with all the fabulous new social networking sites out there, the bully has to choose his or her forum. Should I start a Facebook hate page or a name calling thread on Formspring? Twitter rant or MySpace assault? So many social networks to choose from, so much hate, and so little time. It’s hard out there for a mean girl. And it is the girls who seem to be causing all the trouble these days.

It must be the bevy of new sites where it’s easy to intimidate, harass, and talk plain ol’ smack about a person, because girls aren’t content with just an eye roll or the silent treatment at lunch anymore. They’re getting uglier and dirtier. Much has been written lately about the seeming spike in girl bullying, and the connection between this bullying and online social networks is a particularly hot topic. The New York Times published an article last week about Formspring and bullying in which one teenage girl said of the website’s posts, “In seventh grade, especially, it’s a lot of ‘Everyone knows you’re a slut’ or ‘You’re ugly.””  Later in the article, the mother of a teen explained what she saw in her daughter’s Formspring account, saying, “The comments are all gross and sexual.” I don’t know how much blame should be assigned to Formspring and Facebook and how much to parents – I do know that the psychosocial reasons why kids and teens bully each other are many and complicated. So I am not going to get into that whole thing. I would like to ask one question, though: is anyone really surprised? Girls are competing viciously. They’re attacking each other’s appearances and sexual behaviors. Um, of course they are. It’s no wonder that the graphic suggestions, ruthless insults, and angry intimidations are spilling from their fingers like so many OMGs and LOLs.  If they have eyes and ears, our girls are provided endless instruction on how to insult and hate other girls in the ugliest ways possible. There are cruelty classes everywhere they turn.

Print magazines, for one, do a great job of inciting nastiness among girls (see “Who Wore it Best” in Us Weekly or "Worst Bikini Bodies" in Star), but the real tutorial on hazing and slander is reality TV. It’s basically graduate school for bullies. I’m not talking about obvious girlfight spectacles like “The Bad Girls’ Club” or “The Real World.” I’m talking about the ostensibly more civilized shows like “The Bachelor.” Just think about “The Bachelor” for a minute. Twenty-five women compete on film for the affection of one man. On at least every other episode, one of the women pulls the bachelor aside to rat out another girl who is allegedly sleeping with someone else/hiding a secret past/really just a total b**ch. And when the man is not around, the women like to make each other cry. But, actually, “The Bachelor” looks like charm school compared to “The Real Housewives.” That show is 60 minutes a week of women hating each other for a living. Don’t get me wrong; I have enjoyed some episodes of this franchise in my day. There is something frighteningly hypnotic about a bunch of Botox-happy rich chicks competing in the Narcissism Olympics. It shouldn’t be entertaining, though, because these shows are dangerous given what they model for young girls.  Last season on the New Jersey version, Teresa called Danielle a “prostitution wh**e” before flipping over a table in her direction. In Orange County, Tamra forced alcohol on Gretchen at a dinner party to get her “naked drunk” in the hope she would embarrass herself. Oh, and, later, Tamra announced to everyone that there are naked internet photos of Gretchen. Let’s not forget New York, where the other housewives laughed at Ramona as she walked in a fashion show. They later traded snarky comments about how awful she looked. Hmmmm, sound familiar? I can’t imagine where teens are getting “Everyone knows you’re a slut” and “You’re ugly.”

There is definitely a bullying problem on websites like Formspring and Facebook, and it is certainly shocking to hear about such cruelty from young girls. I hope people continue to pay attention and think about better ways to help teens navigate the toxic combination of hormones and insecurity. But in the meantime, let’s take some ownership, grown-ups. I’m not preaching – I’m as guilty as anyone. I’ve watched marathons of the housewives. Marathons. But what are we encouraging in the media? What do we model and allow to be modeled for girls? How much cruelty do we laugh at every day? Give it some thought. We can’t expect the kids to change if the adults don’t. And if you are a young girl, please don’t accept the reality on these reality shows. You can be better. Please, please be better. In the name of all that is good and holy, I am begging you. BE BETTER.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 13



Guess who? The Tea Party! In a move that is nothing less than mind-numbingly idiotic, a group of Tea Party clowns in Tennessee are pushing legislators to remove facts from school history books. Specifically, the Tea Partiers want to remove references to the Founding Fathers' treatment of Native Americans and participation in slavery. Yeah. Because the best way to learn from out historical mistakes is to lie about them; everyone knows that. Hal Rounds, who speaks for the group of criminally stupid Tea Partiers tells RawStory.com that there is currently "an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another." MADE-UP? Holy fucking nonsense, Batman. This revisionist history is so egregiously dangerous that as a former teacher (yeah, they used to leave me alone with kids) and a lucid human being, my rage makes it impossible for me to articulate my reaction. So I'm going to leave it to Chris Rock. He clears it up in the video above. Watch it -- I'm talking to you, Hal. You asshat.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Oh, Don't Worry; I Already Do


"I am very pleased to have fit into the size 0 Theory trousers today at wrk. Hate me if u like! I'm thrilled!" - Lisa Rinna, on Twitter a few hours ago. OMG! Malnutrition is so thrilling! Lisa's other recent Tweets include a photo of herself in a bikini and a photo of her newly filler-filled face with "no makeup." You know what, Lisa? Save yourself some time and just Tweet this: "I am desperate for attention and don't care if I give my two young daughters body image issues." It's only 93 characters. See how that works for you. Kiss kiss!

Even Charlie Wants Her To Stop Talking


Recovering addict, former prostitute boss, and "Celebrity Rehab" alum Heidi Fleiss has come to Charlie Sheen's defense. According to Heidi, Charlie just likes to party; that's all. The fact that he spent the night trashing a hotel room with a hooker while on a Christmas holiday trip with his young daughters is, evidently, just partying. Also, cocaine doesn't seem to count as a drug in Heidi's world, and she believes Charlie's story that he was only late to his $1.88 million-an-episode job this week because he picked up an ear infection in Vegas this past weekend. Quoth Ms. Fleiss:

“Look, people need to leave Charlie the f*ck alone. Do they really expect him to go to church when he is not working? He is the highest paid actor on television — on a really popular show — and he always delivers by turning up on time and putting in great performances, and that’s all that matters. There is no comparison with Lindsay Lohan because she is not functional and is an addict with a sickness – I should know because I’ve been to rehab several times too. It’s not as if we see Charlie smoking a crack pipe or anything, the guy just loves to party, and people just don’t seem to want to accept that. Also, Charlie is making a lot more money than Lindsay and he should be allowed to spend it whatever way he sees fit. She’s the one that has to try and get her career and life back on track. He’s doing fine."


Wow. I'm really shocked, because I expected the mess that is Heidi Fleiss to make total sense. Good to know Charlie has support from the right people.

This Is Not Even F*cking Funny, Volume F*cking 2

I already wrote about "Toddlers and Tiaras" this week. Right here.

I can't bother with editorial. Evidently this show simply chronicles child abuse. Oh, and teaches girls that physical suffering = beauty. That's cool.

Last night, a five year-old screamed and begged while her mother tricked her into having her eyebrows waxed. It's really hard to watch. I'm not going to embed the video here, but you can watch it at TVSquad.com.com. After do you, tell TLC what you think. You can contact them here.

Cut The Crap, Google!


Dudes. The ads on this site are powered by Google, as you may have read. But now I have to sacrifice the $.03 I make every time someone clicks on an ad, because after publishing the Gucci Mane bit just now, I saw this ad under my post. Um, for those of you who are new to this blog, Jillian Michaels makes me very, very angry. You can read all about it here. So now I have to take the ads off the posts just so I can limit my daily hypocrisies to the cans I don't recycle and the blood alcohol level I achieve. Thanks a lot, Google. You too, Jillian. Jerks. Oh, and by the way, the answer is NONE. I need to start losing NONE. Now shut the f*ck up already.

Yeah, I'm Not Convinced


"Hell no! He's not in a mental facility. He's in the studio with Waka Flocka [Flame]." - Kali Bower, who manages rapper Gucci Mane, seen above, to RumorFix.com. Reports of Mane's admission into a psychiatric hospital have been everywhere since the first week of January, when Mane filed a "special plea of mental incompetency" at his probation revocation hearing. I just assumed his cry of crazy was a ruse to get out of trouble, but then Mane went and posted this photo on Twitter. He's showing off his new tattoo. See it? It's an ice cream cone. On his face. Wow. It's hard out there for a pimp, isn't it GM? Thug life!

By "Shoot" She Means "Capitalize On The Fame Of"


"Lady Gaga represents everything that is wrong with the core of our society. She's not a lady, she's a tramp. People see her as such a hero, especially the gay community; they celebrate her. She stands up there in her flesh suit and cries big old elephant tears and thanks her dear fans for being so brave, but what they don't realize is that everything she does is calculated. I feel like she uses them." - Interscope artist Sabrina, explaining her new song "I Want To Shoot Lady Gaga." You mean Lady Gaga is sometimes disingenuous with her fans?! Noooo! Settle down there, Sabrina. I find it hard to get riled up about a celebrity "calculating" her words and actions. In fact, I prefer they do so. I don't want most of those savages speaking before they think. And I can assure you that our society has bigger problems than Lady Gaga. I mean, for one, there's the whole issue of gun violence -- oh wait. Hmm. You picked a rather odd time to push a song about shooting someone, didn't you, Pumpkin? You know what else is curious? It appears that the most press you've ever received is because of a song about an artist you want to make disappear. Just saying. Oh, and one more thing: the song is really, really bad. Really.

The Da TopChef Code


Evidently it's never snowed on the east coast before, because news is all sorts of slow today. I am going to seize this opportunity to waste your time with a quick note about "Top Chef" because...well, because I fucking love "Top Chef." I love it in that unforgivable way wherein I will postpone other, more enriching activities so that I can watch it. However, normally I can't justify writing about the show because...you know... not to be mean, but, well, it doesn't really matter. With that said:

There is absolutely no integrity left on Bravo. None. None, none, fucking none. At "Top Chef," the editors are over totally it. They're all phoning it in and hoping that The Real Housewives' boobs and botox will pay the bills. And that's the real burn -- because I have watched every season of "Top Chef," and there is no way they gave it away this easily in previous seasons, before table-flipping Teresa and baby-starving Bethenny dominated the station's ratings. But Bravo isn't stupid, and so they respond to what sells. Choreographed drama sells. It is now entirely obvious within the first half hour of "Top Chef" who gets eliminated. They don't even bother making the actual competition suspenseful anymore. Which makes sense. I mean, why bother showcasing actual talent when Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife and Paris Hilton's aunt will talk smack about each other on air? Fine. Asshats.

So here's the secret: pay close attention to the individual interviews. You know, the ones with which they pepper the cooking scenes (pun intended and reprehensible). Whoever is well-groomed goes home; that's it. Seriously. Last week, Casey went home. And in all of her interviews, her hair was all fancy and flat-ironed, and she had jewelry and red lipstick on. Which is all perfectly normal except that the contestants are usually interviewed during kitchen competition -- sweaty and tired, not fresh from the salon. I noticed it last week, and, being the supersleuth that I am who uses all of her mental acumen for important meaningful things, I paid close attention to THE GIRLS' HAIR this week. And, sure enough, within the first 15 minutes, I knew that red-headed Tiffany was going home. Because she was...you already know...flat ironed and wearing jewelry and lipstick. Tell!

So, that's it. I just took up a few minutes of your time to with that. Sorry. Come back soon! We talk about really important issues that should ignite your passion for change in the media. Usually. I promise.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

If You Don't Have Something Not Idiotic To Say...


...then shut the hell up, you jackass. Sarah Palin, as I'm sure you know, released a video today in response to accusations that she contributed to the shootings in Arizona with her barely-literate rhetoric and gun target map. Quoth SPal:

"If you don’t like a person’s vision for the country, you’re free to debate that vision. If you don’t like their ideas, you’re free to propose better ideas. But especially within hours of a tragedy unfolding, journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence that they purport to condemn. That is reprehensible. Now someone get me a daughter to whore out or an animal to kill.”

Okay, I added that last sentence. Really, I am running out of responses to Sarah and her drivel. Fortunately, I stumbled across a Redditor who goes by the screen name Overtoke; he said it perfectly: "is she responsible? no. is she irresponsible? yes. is she a dumb f*cking [very offensive word even I don't want to write]? yes." Touché, mystery online commenter. Touché.

This Is Why Birds Are Falling From The Sky


Hold on a sec -

Okay. Sorry. I had to do a quick shot of vodka. So, um, I just read this over at Jezebel:

"Here's what Kink.com has planned: Blue will be tightly bound (the site is BDSM-oriented), and then viewers will vote which of three men will 'take' her virginity. Then, 'The other two will then join the ceremony and make her airtight.' The site's founder continues, 'We strive each and every day to bring the best possible content to our customers and sacrificing Nikki's innocence is in perfect alignment with what our fans expect and deserve.'"

Got it? In case you haven't figured, this is a description of the big event at Kink.com this weekend -- the filming of porn star Nikki Blue losing her virginity (yeah, we'll get to that part in a minute). The event will be filmed with a..wait for it...wait for it...hymen cam. Now, how has a porn star maintained her virginity, you wonder? Do you really have to ask? I'll let Blue herself explain:

"I am from the South, where typically you are told to stay a virgin until you're married. I did a lot of anal play, I got a lot of stimulation from that and oral. I looooove oral. I could generally keep my boyfriends happy with blowjobs and anal sex."

Right. Jezebel does a fine job (as always) breaking down the absurd nonsense of Blue's "virginity," so I'll let that go for now. My bigger concern, really, is for Blue's health. I mean, how does one sterilize a hymen cam? Aren't "airtight" orifices a medical threat? I'd hate to see some sort of health hazard sully the poetry of voting for the right vaginal penetrator. The good news is that now there's a high quality, easily accessed instructional video for gangbanging date rapists. Awesome. Stay classy, Internet!

Read this for a related essay.

NO!


According to RadarOnlineCharlie Sheen's new porn star plaything, Bree Olson, is shopping her celebrity sex story for $50,000. That's right. A porn star who spent the weekend with Charlie Sheen in Vegas and then made out with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee onstage days later is into Sheen only for the publicity. Or rather, she was onto Sheen only for the publicity. Devastating! I mean, if these two indiscriminate cokeheads can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us, really?

Sure You Aren't, Pumpkin


"I'm not jealous that he'd marry someone else. I just don't want it to be a girl who's using him to start her career. Basically, I think he could do better than Crystal." - Holly Madison (the pot), on her ex, Hugh Hefner, and his fiancée, Crystal Harris (the kettle), to Life & Style magazine. And then Holly pushed Crystal into the lockers and threw her English notebook in the trash. Seriously, though, Holly must be burdened with worry. It would be a real heartbreak for all of us if Hef's true and sacred love fell apart. Oh the humanity!