Dear Gods Will Someone Make This Stop Already

Bristol Palin had some sort of breakdown while rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars, and, as luck would have it, the whole thing was caught on film for last night's episode! Serenfuckingdipity! Now, I didn't see the show during which BPal burst into tears (because I have precious few shreds of dignity left onto which I am holding like grim death), but according to Us Weekly, the DWTS "All-Star" burst into tears and said to partner Mark Ballas, "I know you are bummed to have me as a partner...I feel like you want to go home!" before storming out of the studio. Aw, Brissy. Come on. If you're going to fall to pieces every time someone wants to get away from you, it's gonna be a long, piecey life. You know what the worst part of this whole thing is? No, not that she still gets to dance on the show, but good guess. The worst part is that it gave her mother a reason to open the trash chute that is her mouth. Sarah Palin used Facebook to voice her support for her daughter, who she believes is cracking under the pressure of constant criticism. Wrote Sarah, "Do the haters really think this will stop Bristol and Mark from keepin' on keepin' on? Silly critics -- after all these years of goofy antics like this we find these efforts are actually quite motivating!" Indeed, that is something one can't take away from the Palins: they conflate opposites all the time. For them, criticism equals support, incoherent drivel equals speech writing, ignorant nonsense equal political ideals...I could go on. It's inspiring, really. Keep on keepin' on, asshats!

Bristol Palin's AMAZING Weight Loss Is Amazingly AMAZING!

In case you are lucky enough to have missed this tidbit, I'm here to trigger your gag reflex by informing you that Bristol Palin is back on Dancing With the Stars as a member of the "All Star" cast. I can't summon the strength to comment on the shitstorm that is the BPal/DWTS marriage, but you can read my original efforts here. In the meantime, allow me to direct your attention to this amazing headline from the always amazing Us Weekly, where reports are in on Bristol's amazingly amazing weight loss. Get this: she has been exercising more and eating less! AMAZING! Look, if you had the most powerful microscope in the world you couldn't locate my interest in anything Bristol Palin related. Furthermore, I'm not sure how the editors at Pus Weekly decided that adhering to the laws of biology was worthy of such excitement, and I know I don't need to tell you how I feel about weight loss or weight gain or weight anything headlines. So, for now, I'm just going to hope that less Bristol Palin mass equals less ridiculous, hypocritical, idiotic Bristol Palin bullshit. That would be -- say it with me people -- AMAZING.

When Asshat Met Crapfest

Chris Brown got a standing ovation after his performance on "Dancing With The Stars" last night. Not only did the audience stand up, but the judges did, too. I didn't see it go down because DWTS sends me into anaphylactic shock, and I'm fresh out of epi-pens for the soul. However, I watched the video this morning over at RadarOnline, where his performance is referred to as "dazzling" and "electric" and, I have to ask, a standing ovation for lip-synching? What the fuck? Of course, any show that had abstinence educator and teen mom Bristol Palin shimmying to the musical double-entendre "Momma Told Me Not To Come" is not too concerned with integrity, so let's just move on to Chris himself. Even before his "energetic" set last night, Brown's new album had hit #1 on the charts. So, clearly, if you want to sell records, you should bust a hole in someone's window in a fit of pissy, whiny, no-balls rage. Of course, beating up your girlfriend might do it, too, but you only get to play that card once in a career. I'm glad to see that Chrissy's complete disregard for other human beings isn't affecting his success. I mean, sure, he acts like a misogynistic, clinically narcissistic, out-of-control punk, but he can do back flips and somersaults! In a red tuxedo no less! All is forgiven! DAZZLING!

George Lopez Sucks

"She did a nice job. Her little hooves tapping away.” - George Lopez, calling Kirstie Alley a pig on his show last night. GLo was referring to Kirstie's performance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- a performance, by the way, in which she kicked ass. But George is more focused on fat jokes, of course. And just in case you didn't get his hilarious "hooves" dig, George continued by putting Kirstie into the "This Little Piggy" nursery rhyme: "Before the show she went to the market.  And then she had roast beef.  And this is her going all the way home.” And then he played a clip of a pig in a car. Ha! Get it? She's a pig! Because she's fat! Oh, George, that's a good one. You know, at first I wondered if maybe George's jokes weren't as offensive as they might normally be given that Kirstie has been frank about her weight struggles, even appearing on a reality show called "Fat Actress," on which she often poked fun at her diet dramas. Plus, you know, Lopez is a comedian, and they tend to offend. But the jokes are offensive, and whether or not Kirstie has acknowledged her battle has nothing to do with it. And worse, the jokes just aren't funny. Piggy jokes? Sound effects? That's the best you can do, Georgie? Pretty fucking weak for a dude with his own show. I've heard funnier insults from fifth-graders. And another thing... I was just thinking...didn't you receive a lifesaving kidney from your full-figured ex-wife? Yeah, I thought so. That's cool. Asshole.

If you want to hear George being not at all funny, you can watch him here.

Me! And Also, Me! And Then Of Course There's ME!

D

"Lindsay actually told the woman at Dancing With The Stars who made the offer that 'you need to take my mom!' Lindsay is a great dancer, but she's taking a break right now. She has been through a lot. Our family loves the show because I'm a dancer, and I taught dance when Lindsay was growing up. I dragged her from one dance studio to another, and she sat in front of the mirrors and watched, while I taught." - Dina Lohan, explaining why Lindsay turned down an offer to appear on "Dancing With The Stars."Did you that DINA was a dancer? Oh yeah, she DANCED and was a DANCER and taught DANCE as a DANCER. Actually, all joking aside, maybe Dina is the perfect candidate for the show. Kate Gosselin, then Bristol Palin, and then Dina! "Dancing With The Delusional Famewhore Absentee Parents" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

From The Files of "No Duh," Edition 11.0

"I heard from someone who really should know (really should seriously know the dirt really really) that the only reason Bristol was on the show was because Sarah Palin forced her to do it." - comedian Margaret Cho, who appeared on Dancing with the Stars with Bristol Palin, in her blog this week. Wait, you mean that Sarah Palin is a cut-throat opportunist who would whore out her own children? No way. And by that I mean "no shit." MCho also alleges that Sarah "blames Bristol harshly and openly" for causing Sarah to lose the election and "so she told Bristol she 'owed' it to her to to DWTS..." Again, I'm shocked. Because when I see a clumsy, insecure, unwed teen mom whose mother preaches abstinence awkwardly dancing on a reality show, I think, "That's gotta be one healthy, fucntional family." Come on now, Maggie; keep up.

I Hope "Drinking Bleach With The Stars" Is Next

Last night, "Skating With The Stars" premiered. I tried to ignore the press and previews for the show, but, as it turns out, SWTS isn't just your ordinary hour of famewhores and hasbeens on parade. Oh no. Rather, it's a cataclysmic meeting of soul-crushing vortexes. To wit, check out the clip above to watch Bethenny "Taste Everything Eat Nothing" Frankel move around the ice like Bristol "My Mom's Pimping Me Out" Palin on the dance floor all while Kate "You Won't Go To heaven" Gosselin applauds from the audience. I was surprised to see Kate in the studio, but I guess there's a lot less homework to be done now that two of her kids have been expelled from school. Anywho, in that one moment, when shimmying Bethenny evoked shimmying Bristol while being cheered on by shimmying Kate, I looked Satan in the face, acknowledged his power, and died inside. But really -- you should watch the clip. It's kind of funny, too, in an "Oh shit it's the apocalypse" sort of way.

One More Reason to Hate Twitter, Volume 2

"Ah yes...Bristol-the-diva! Silly critics! See her diva-ish-ness Sunday, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" 2 learn truth, before assuming. Thanks & enjoy!" - Sarah Palin on Twitter yesterday. Wow, SPal managed to reference her daughter's exploitation AND plug her shitstorm - I mean show - in 140 characters! Mama Grizzly's got mad skills! What a tool.

WORLD IN CRISIS!

"You may not be a fan of the show or even Bristol but I firmly believe her continued success on the show demonstrates the power of the tea party." - from a member's post at FreeRepublic.com, referring to Bristol Palin's seemingly unwarranted success on Dancing with the Stars. That's right. Bristol's success on a craptastic competition dancing reality show demonstrates the power of the tea party. That should help the rest of us take them more seriously, for sure. Oh, and the post is titled "FReep DWTS! Make liberal heads explode and vote for Bristol Palin tonight you don't need to watch." Is your head exploding yet? What's even better -- or worse (same difference) -- is that, though I may mock, it seems some other non tea-partiers are moved to arms by Bristol's two-step and tango triumphs. Jezebel.com reports that DWTS will be changing its voting system next season because there is such anger over Bristol beating Brandy on Tuesday; Jimmy Kimmel called Brandy's elimination "an outrage" on his show this week; and Brandy's partner Maksim complained to E! News that "this season has just been ridiculous since day one." Because it was not at all ridiculous before this, Max. Not at all. What a bunch of clowns.

I Feel Your Pain, Brother

"Cowan was upset that a political figure's daughter was on the show when he didn't think she was a good dancer, the complaint states." - from an article in the Wisconsin State Journal. It seems that Bristol Palin's bad dancing enraged Steven Cowan, 66, who shot up his TV when Bristol's routine started. I'm not kidding. The article explains, "Allegedly set off by Bristol Palin's appearance on 'Dancing With The Stars,' a rural Black Earth man kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours Monday and Tuesday before he surrendered to police." It seems that Mr. Cowan was also "under stress from a financial situation and was receiving care for a mental health problem." Really? Because Homey sounds perfectly sane to me. No, seriously, the dude is nuts, Bristol is tragic, and we all need to think long and hard about gun control. For real.
Thanks to Jezebel.com for the link.

HAAAA HAHAHA HA HAAA HAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHA!

"...it's scriptural, too, where it says, 'He will turn your mourning into dancing.'" - Sarah Palin, explaining to People magazine that her daughter Bristol's appearance on Dancing with the Stars is a biblical matter. Yeah it is. Remember the first week when abstinence-preaching-teenage-mom Bristol danced to the song "Momma Told Me Not to Come?" There's your proof right there. There's nothing God loves more than a good cum/come joke.

Oh Goodie!

"I'm definitely nervous next week because...I have to find the sexy in me. We're doing the sexy dance next week, and I have to get into character. Dressing sexy will help me get into character more. Next week, I'll be dressing sexy. This is it." - Bristol Palin, to People magazine. Ooh! This is it, people! Bristol is referring, of course, to her weekly appearances on Dancing With the Stars. I'm surprised Bristol can't find "the sexy" in her. She had it two years ago when she had a baby at 17. Just saying.

Wah Wah Wah

"I think he should apologize publicly and he should be reprimanded for it." - Michael Bolton, on Good Morning America, speaking about Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli. Bolton was eliminated this week from the crapfest, I mean show, after dancing what Bruno called "the worst jive in 11 seasons." Poor Mikey was so hurt by Bruno's criticism that he is publicly calling for Bruno's mea culpa. Because these shows are all about fair, tasteful competition. Take the skirt off, Bolts. Also, um, you put out quite a few albums back in the day, and we're still waiting for an apology for them. Just sayin'.

Oh, Please No

"The Hoff and I are mad cool. He's an awesome guy." - "Jersey Shore's" Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, speaking to Us Weekly about his just-eliminated "Dancing with the Stars" co-star, David Hasselhoff. Yeah, this friendship sounds like a great idea. Let's look at the pair's recent resumé items: Before sharing the DWTS stage, Hoff appeared wasted and slurring in a home movie filmed by his daughter, and then he went on to pimp out said daughter and her sister on a reality show; Sitch, on the other hand, has been busy flashing his abs all over town while garnering fame for his "Jersey Shore" residence, where his accomplishments include labeling "ugly" girls"grenades." And now they're friends. Great. One small step for talentless fools, one giant step for the destruction of society. Thanks, DWTS!

Photo courtesy of AP Photo 

This Is Bad, Bad News

So, as you might already know, Bristol Palin has joined this season's cast of "Dancing With the Stars." Yup. She told UsMagazine.com, "I just wanted to do it because it's so fun." She told Radaronline.com, "I want to set a good example for all of the amazing moms out there." Mmm-hmm. That's great. I hope she foxtrots her abstinent self all the way to fun, amazing, good example-ness. Here's the real issue: someone has now used the Presidency, however indirectly, to land a spot on a reality show. That, my friends, is a problem. For all of us. Thanks, Bristol.

Have You Seen My Career? It's Around Here Somewhere

Us Weekly reports that the line up for this season of "Dancing with the Stars" is almost complete. So far, the cast includes David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley, Jennifer Grey (from "Dirty Dancing), Troy Aikman, Audrina Partridge, Brandy (she used to make music), Florence Henderson (from "The Brady Bunch), and...wait for it...wait for it...Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino" from "Jersey Shore." Um, wow. I'm going to give Troy Aikman a pass on this one, but the rest of that line up really brings the whole "star" thing into question. Maybe "Dancing with Plastic Surgery, Bad Choices, and Alcoholism" would be a better title.