There Are Almost No Words, Volume Three

So, I was just innocently perusing Jezebel when I came across this gem. Do me a favor, would you? Watch the video and then come back, okay? Go ahead. I'll wait.

All righty. "The Breast Milk Baby." Because "little girls need to learn how to breastfeed." Um, no. No they do not. I am actually weary just thinking about the gender schema horrors and formula feeding propaganda buried in this toy, so I think the only thing to do now is play my favorite game, "What's Next?"

Breast Milk Baby! What's next? "My First Episiotomy"?

Breast Milk Baby! What's next? Fisher-Price introduces "Precious Places IVF Clinic"?

Breast Milk Baby! What's next? " Mattel's Doula Barbie"?

Breast Milk Baby!  What's next? "Dora and Diego's Paternity Test Pack"?

Your turn!

Gender Schema Olympics

Behold the ridiculous new ad for Dr. Pepper 10, a diet soda marketed to men. Yes: men and only men! No girls allowed! In fact, the company tells you flat-out that the soft drink is "not for women." Why? Because according to Dr. Pepper, chicks like romantic comedies and girlie drinks, men like guns and trucks, and one's choice of beverages must be consistent with these rules. That's nice. How about this: no one should drink diet soda because that shit is poison (not like my precious vodka, obvs). Really, though. Just say no, people -- whether you are a girlie-girl-ecru-beautysoft-rosebud lady or a raw-meat-eating-roid-raging-car-crashing tough guy.

Also, We Love Shoes, Unicorns, And Rainbows

"Women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we're not very good at nailing that down for them. I feel like I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring." - Jennifer Love Hewitt, explaining to Ellen DeGeneres why she has already picked out 3 engagement rings in case her boyfriend of 7 months decides to propose. Oh my God, Jen, you are, like, so, totally, right! I never know what I want! It's so confusing being a girl! And isn't math hard? Asshat. JHew continued to spew embarassing, dated, desperate drivel about her upcoming wedding that isn't, telling Ellen, "If marriage comes up, I'm like, "You know what's so weird. There is this store [Tiffany's] and there are three rings in it... And if you chose one of these three, I'm going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?" Why indeed, Jenny. WHY INDEED.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 8

"They were clearly men -- they were not wearing skirts." - Mark Hendrick, of Lancashire, England's City Council, explaining why the Council has decided to change the previously re-named "gingerbread people" back to "gingerbread men" on primary school menus. What an important executive decision! Thank goodness Lancashire focuses on the real issues, because bakery nomenclature is the civil rights crisis of our generation. I'm not sure what's dumber, the debate over the name or the explanation - I do know that this Mark guy is a jackass.

Thanks to Jezebel.com for the link. 

The Perfect Suit For The Date Rapist In You

This is an ad for Dutch clothing company Suit Supply. She just doesn't listen, you know? But what's that guy on the right doing? Here's another one:

Nice suit.

Wait Wait Wait! I Changed My Mind!

You'll see that the post before this one, regarding the new Kardashian credit card, is titled "Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week." Yeah, that's not true. I mean, it's usually a good bet that KKar will earn the title, but this week she has been ousted by a Swedish couple who refuse to disclose their 2 year-old child's gender. The parents call the kid "Pop," offer him/her pants and dresses to choose from, and will reveal the child's gender when Pop himherself feels it's time. The mother explains, "We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender or mold from the outset. It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead." Look, crazy lady, I am ALL FOR challenging gender schema, and I hesitate to rag on anyone's individual parenting choices, but JUST STOP. Your kid is not a sociological experiment. You know what's crueler than forcing a child into a specific gender or stereotype? Forcing your kid to be the offspring of two militant, attention-seeking freaks. Just saying.

WHAT?! SHE DID WHAT?!

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