A Tale Of Two Titties

Sorry about the title. Sometimes I can't help it.

Regarding the actual story here, there are many details to cover before I make my "point," so let's just get them out of the way, shall we? Great. Here we go:

• A few months ago, London ice cream makers "The Icecreamists" introduced breast milk ice cream. The confection is made from breast milk, vanilla pods, and lemon zest. They call it "Baby Gaga."

• After several complaints about the dessert, the council for the borough in which the ice cream is sold removed the frozen food and stopped its sale while the ice cream is tested for infection. Explains council officer Brian Connell, "Selling foodstuffs made from another person's bodily fluids can lead to viruses being passed on and in this case, potentially hepatitis." Counters The Icecreamists' founder, Matt O'Conner, "Our donor was screened at a leading medical clinic, and then the ice cream mix is fully pasteurized. We have had a fantastic response, and 200 women have come forward and offer[ed] to give us milk."

• Lady Gaga is threatening to sue The Icecreamists, because, as one of her lawyers explains, "The references [The Icecreamists] are making to Lady Gaga are thus clearly deliberate and intended to take advantage of her reputation and good will. Associating the Lady Gaga mark with a food product which may be unsafe for human consumption (owing to the risk of it carrying such viruses as hepatitis) is also highly detrimental."

Okay. Where to begin, right? You know, I'm feeling these bullet points this morning, so let's stick with them.

• Breast. Milk. Ice cream. First of all, let's get this out of the way: ew. Second of all, maybe all the fantastically responsive lactating women should consider donating or selling that breast milk to BABIES WHO NEED IT FOR FOOD. Just saying.

• If O'Connor is really set on selling boob milk shakes and cones, I'm sure Similac or Enfamil would be more than happy to get involved in some frozen formula flavors. Of course, that could spark a whole new war between moms -- I can just hear the playground gossip now. "She didn't even try to get the breast milk ice cream. She's a formula feeder." Well, I'd like to weigh in on this debate now: As far as I'm concerned, as long as parents are giving their kids some sort of unnecessarily wasteful and revolting dessert, that's what really matters.

• As for Lady Gaga, I'm not even going to ask (as O'Connor already has) why a woman who wears raw meat dresses and adds her own blood to perfume is concerned about being associated with disease and revulsion. Rather, I'd like to remind LG that she stole her name from babies in the first goddam place, so she can't really sue to get it back. I'm no lawyer, but come on. Plus, I mean, we all know the Lady is more concerned about attaching herself to every possible news story than she is about image infringement. Did you know she single-handedly got DADT reversed? Oh yeah. And she reformed Target's anti-gay policies! Yup. And now she's taking on the breastmilk ice cream industry. At this rate, The Nobel Peace prize can't be far behind, right?

As for me, I'm not sure why the idea of human breastmilk as dessert is any more disgusting than cow breastmilk as dessert, but then I'm not that interested in either of them. Those of you who are will have to sort out the choices on your own. Good luck!