Thursday, January 3, 2013

Have They Mentioned The Diets?

How many idiotic, infuriating things can one egregiously irresponsible periodical cram into a screen capture? It's a question for the ages, I know. The answer in this case, however, is four:

1. Evidently Kelly Clarkson was holding those 18 pounds in her hands when she LITERALLY dropped them. Fortunately for KClark, the misuse of language does not disqualify one from winning a spot on the "Best Diets of 2013" list. Phew. I am so thankful to live in a world where one's ability to eat fewer calories than she uses is rewarded more vigorously than, say, a solid command of the language she speaks. Fabulous.

2. BEST DIETS OF 2013. The best diet is the one that keeps you alive and healthy. The end, asshats.

3. "Kourtney Kardashian Loses 44 Pounds in 6 Months: How She Got Thin". Well, first of all, there was that HUMAN BEING that came out of her and all of the ancillary fluids and matter than came along with it; Kourtney likely left the hospital with a good 10 pounds gone already. But, you know...way to set up more unrealistic expectations for women and their bodies! And, for the record, I have a sneaking suspicion that we all know the answer to this tantalizing mystery. I mean, I'm no psychic, but I betcha she got thin by dieting and exercising -- or with the Hollywood version, abusing adderall. Tomato/tomahto.

4. Always the prophet, Kimmie thinks her sister's weight loss is "an inspiration." Oh my god, KK, you're totally right! Kourtney is a hero -- nay, a saint! I mean, she managed to exercise some control over her intake of the endless supply of food to which she is lucky enough to have access. Brafuckingvo. You know who is my inspiration, Kimberly? The person who gets you, your sisters, your mom, and anyone else in your polluted mess of a famewhoring family to permanently shut the fuck up.

Oh, and also, if you can find this tidbit in between all the amazing, inspirational, BEST DIETS, you can read about the woman who could be our next president and how she left the hospital with her daughter. No word on their weights, though. Grrrrrr.

1 comment:

  1. i am LITERALLY saddened.
    next thing you'll hear is how kim kardashian GAINED 40 pounds in 9 months! hmmmmm