(12:00 am ET) "The Hurt Locker!" 16-8, people! Dance time!
(11:56) YES! It only took EIGHTY-TWO years, but a woman has won Best Director. And for a war film at that! Rock it, Kathryn Bigelow! 15-8.
(11:52 pm ET) Oh man. Bullock's speech. Yeah, I'm crying. Shut up. Only two awards left. Go "Hurt Locker!"
(11:50 pm ET) Gah! Bullock! Well, I set myself up for this one. 14-8. I still blame sound and shorts. And Clooney.
(11:45 pm ET) Gabourey Sidibe's story is really amazing. No snarky comment applies. Props, Gaby.
(11:33 pm ET) Jeff Bridges. No big surprise there -- the Body of Work Award is a ringer. I'm glad he won, but more than that I am grateful we didn't have to listen to a Clooney smugfest speech. Oh, and 14-7. All dancing is suspended until 17-7. Okay, maybe 16-8, because I have to admit I am starting to sweat Best Actress.
(11:28 pm ET) Okay, these peer tributes are a bit much. Michelle Pfeiffer's tribute to Jeff Bridges was sweet, but this Clooney nonsense is giving me a rash.
(11:22 pm ET) "Avatar" is the highest-grossing film of all time. Hmm. With all that money, couldn't James Cameron buy his wife some food? Have a sandwich, Suzy. You guys can afford it. Trust.
(11:16 pm ET) I lost Foreign Language Film. 13-7. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word they were saying. So it doesn't really count.
(11:10 pm ET) 13-6. Oh yeah. Does anyone else feel like they aren't using Steve and Alec enough?
(11:05 pm ET) "The Cove!" 12-6. Let the dancing begin. First, though, I want to say that if you haven't seen this documentary, you should. It's an incredible film. All the documentaries this year were remarkable, but this one especially. Now, excuse me, but I need to return to gloating. Check THIS out, Legion of Incredible Dancers.
(10:58 pm ET) Yeah, yeah, "Avatar" won Visual Effects. I picked it, so of course I'm glad. But I feel like it wasn't really a fair fight. When you spend 300 gazillion dollars on your film's technology, you better win this award. I'm talking to you, James Cameron. 11-6.
(10:54 pm ET) Original Score! 10-6. At 12-6 I'll bring back the victory dance. You're relieved, right? I promise to have the webcam set up next year so you can share the magic.
(10:48 pm ET) I usually hate the musical numbers, but these dancers are AMAZING. I mean, it's no Oscar pick victory dance, but they're still pretty rad.
(10:36) Cinematography! Picked it! SOOO much more important than sound, anyway. 9-6. Um, what is UP with Demi Moore? Why doesn't she age? It can't be as simple as Botox. She's scaring me. Kind of creepy that they picked her to introduce the tribute to those who died this year since clearly she never will.
(10:27) Stupid old stinking sound. 8-6. I will dance again. Don't worry.
(10:25) Uh-oh. I lost Sound Editing. Bad news as I picked "Avatar" for Sound Mixing, too. And I was just about to resume my victory dance. Stupid sound. It's not like it's important to a movie.
(10:18) It's the Twilight kids. Taylor seems like a nice guy, but I can't understand what the deal is with Kristin. Why does she always look so freaking miserable? You're at the Oscars, Krissy! Stand up straight! Put a little life into it! Jeez.
(10:10 pm ET) I picked Costume Design right, too, but I will tell you that this was an easy one. It's an Oscar law: any time they put women in corsets, the costume design wins. Evidently, inflicting pain on women and cinching their waists to 18 inches is how you get respect in that field. Cool. You know, Victoria Beckham does it to herself without the corset -- where's her award? Just saying. (*cough* 8-4)
(10:07 pm ET) And Art Direction makes it 7-4. I'm glad I picked this right, but I have to say that I thought "Avatar" was lame. Yeah, you heard me. Lame. Feel free to discuss this in comments.
(10:00 pm ET) Mo'Nique! Standing O! I mean, come ON. That clip alone gave me goosebumps. She was amazing. Oh, and 6-4.
(9:56) Penelope Cruz is so beautiful it makes me want to punch her. I mean hug her.
(9:50) 5-4. GRRRRRRR. Adapted Screenplay. If i tell you that I picked "Precious" first and then changed my mind, will you believe me? Because I did. I DID.
(9:42 pm ET) 5-3. Thank you, Best Makeup. Back on track. Have I mentioned how lame short films are? L-A-M-E.
(9:39 pm ET) And, by the way, WHAT was up with the freaky purple coat lady who hijacked the Documentary Short acceptance speech? Don't they have bouncers at this thing?
(9:38 pm ET) Ben Stiller: hilarious.
(9:31 pm ET) Animated Short, Live Action Short and Documentary Short are my first losses. 4-3. Not that I care. I don't. I don't care at all. I hate you, short films.
(9:21 pm ET) Okay, so, I might have cried a little during the John Hughes tribute. Don't judge me. But then I saw that they managed to drag Judd Nelson out from the rock under which he has been hiding. Yikes. Judd, your plasma called. It wants back into your body. Have a glass of orange juice or something, my friend. Please.
(9:15 pm ET) 4-0! Go "Hurt Locker!" Whoa -- Molly Ringwald is on stage. Holy time warp, Batman!
(9:04 pm ET) Ohhhh, I see. Miley is presenting the Best Original Song award. I can't believe "Party In the USA" hasn't been scooped up by a major motion picture. I mean, that's an award-winning song if I've ever heard one. Oh, and I might have picked this winner, too. 3-0. Not that I'm keeping track.
(9:00 pm ET) "Up" wins! 2-0! Whoot! But, omg, why is George Clooney on the screen every 3 minutes??? Enough! I swear they are taunting me.
(8:50 pm ET): Yes! Christoph wins! I'm 1-0, people! I'm going to do my victory dance now. You know you want to see it.
(8:45 pm ET): Oh, so I guess Clooney is part of the schtick. My bad. (He's still a snore.)
(8:43) Alec Baldwin seems a little nervous. He must be sober. I kid, Alec, I kid. You know I love you.
(8:40) Clooney is too cool to laugh, evidently. Once again: Snore.
(8:32) I love NPH, but, um....no. Whoever wrote this number needs to be fired. STAT.
(8:30) Finally! I'm excited. I'm not going to lie. I love this stuff. I could poke holes in myself and marinate in the Oscars.
(8:23 pm ET) Write down the date and time, people. Kristin Stewart just smiled.
(8:17 pm ET) Not to be a hater -- I'm not, really -- but why is Miley Cyrus presenting an Oscar? Imagine if you received your first Academy Award and it was handed to you by Hannah Montana. Weird, right?
(8:05) Oh!! Sandra Bullock's "just enjoy the ride" rant is just a different way of saying "The nomination is the award." Obligatory lie count is at 2.
(8:02 pm ET) I love Penelope Cruz. L-O-V-E. I want to hang out with her (imagine her excitement when she reads that). And Mo'Nique is (1) awesome and (2) so going to win.
(7:56) Show time! Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin are going to be amazing. (I hope.) Last chance to post your picks in the comments section to win Swakker stuff if you can beat me!
(7:54) My love for Robert Downey, Jr. knows no bounds. Really. But I miss his old face, lines and all. And that wife of his: I'm after you, Susan. I'm kidding, of course. Sort of.
(7:49) OMG! Quentin Tarantino sounded...dare I say...sane! Wow.
(7:41 pm ET) Every time the show cuts to commercial, I see an ad for a Liposuction Surgery Center here on the west coast. Dirty advertising approach, if you ask me -- and even if you don't.
(7:36 pm ET) Oh boy. Taylor Lautner just arrived. Cue screaming girls...NOW!
(7:24 pm ET) Some of you might not know that the producer of "The Hurt Locker" (my pick for Best Picture) was banned from tonight's ceremony. Yup. A few weeks ago he sent an email urging Academy members to vote for his film instead of "Avatar." Not only very poor taste, but also against the rules. I really hope his crazy lack of judgment doesn't hurt the film. It deserves to win. And the director, Kathryn Bigelow, rocks!
(7:20 pm ET) Oh, George Clooney, you're so down-to-earth. Snore.
(7:05 pm ET) Um, Randolph Duke? Holy Botox, Batman! And I have now officially started my count for how many times we hear "The nomination is really the win." Five minutes in, and the obligatory lie count is at 1.
(7:01 pm ET) Sandra Bullock looks amazing, but my money's on Mulligan.
(6:58 ET) And we're on! ABC pre-show and Swakker Café! It's Oscar time!
(6:30 pm ET) Okay, people. Here are my picks. As I mentioned in this week's column, Carey Mulligan as Best Actress is a highly controversial pick; it is nearly impossible to predict a Split the Vote award, but I'm sticking with it. If you want to submit your picks for a chance to win a Swakker Prize, just make sure you post them in the comments section before 8 pm ET. And, remember, you have to beat me to win! So, here they are:
Lead Actor: Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
Supporting Actor: Cristoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”
Lead Actress: Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique in “Precious”
Animated Feature: “Up”
Art Direction: “Avatar”
Cinematography: “Avatar”
Costume Design: “The Young Victoria”
Directing: “The Hurt Locker”
Documentary Feature: “The Cove”
Documentary Short: “China’s Unnatural Disaster: the Tears of Sichuan Province”
Film Editing: “The Hurt Locker”
Foreign Language Film: “The White Ribbon”
Makeup: “Star Trek”
Original Score: “Up”
Original Song: “The Weary Kind” from “Crazy Heart”
Animated Short: “A Matter of Loaf and Death”
Live Action Short: “Kavi”
Sound Editing: “Avatar”
Sound Mixing: “Avatar”
Visual Effects: “Avatar”
Adapted Screenplay: “Up in the Air”
Original Screenplay: “The Hurt Locker”
Best Picture: “The Hurt Locker”
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