I’ve never been a big fan of Halloween. For one thing, I don’t like candy, and, for another, I don’t like wearing costumes. Candy makes my teeth hurt, and costumes are uncomfortable, and wah wah wah wah: I’m a Halloween scrooge. There is also the fact that my birthday is November 1, so Halloween has always kind of hijacked my day. But of all the things that irritate me about Halloween, none yanks my chain more than all the girls running around half-naked in blatantly slutty outfits just because they can. Believe me, I’m all for tight jeans and bikinis, but let’s keep it above board, ladies. If you want to dress provocatively, do it and own it. Don’t try to fool us with that red spandex unitard that you picked because, no, really, this is how the Devil dresses. Just stop.
It used to be a simple rage. I have rolled my eyes at lingerie-clad French Maids and belly-bearing genies for as long as I can remember. I’ll admit I grew to sort of enjoy the predictability and the fodder. And then I saw this, at Jezebel.com:
It’s a sexy straightjacket! Yay! Because nothing says sexy like mental illness and restraints. "Hey boys! I can’t move or make decisions for myself; let’s have sex!" Hot. I followed Jezebel’s link to the source of the costume, Yandy.com, where I spent almost an hour marveling at the company’s wares (now who’s the fool?). Sexy Halloween costumes are no longer as simple as the Dirty Nurse and the Naughty Kitty. Oh no. Evidently, totally offensive and sexy are now synonymous. Either that or I am just cranky. Tough call, so I'll let you decide. To help you in your quest for the truth, I offer a smattering of Yandy’s sexiest Halloween trends:
Racial Fetishism: Asian costumes dominate this category. Yandy offers over ten Asian outfits, including “Japanese Doll,” “China Doll,” and the oh-screw-it-they-all-look-the-same “Sexy Asian Warrior,” seen here:
In case Asian isn’t your thing, Yandy also has a delightful assortment of “Sexy Indians,” by which they mean "Sexy Indigenous People." Because racist stereotypes aren't totally sexy unless the name is offensive, too. I mean, everyone knows that.
Pedophilia: We are all familiar with the Sexy Schoolgirl get-up. But Yandy knows that LOTS of things about children are sexy. Just ask Miley! So, for those moms and dads who can’t get through a Disney movie without thinking about sex, Yandy offers the “Adult Belle” (from Beauty and the Beast) and the “Adult Snow White.” Because putting the word “Adult” in front of the costume makes it way less creepy. But sometimes one wants to have sexual fantasies about a real child, not a fairy tale one, you know? Thankfully, to that end, Yandy sells the “Sexy Cookie Girl” costume:
“Hi! I’ll sell you my cookies and my cookie, big guy!” Awesome. I hope this one comes with a box of post-coital Thin Mints.
Literalism: Subtlety doesn’t work for everyone; sometimes a girl needs to spell it out. It’s important to advertise your sexual availability in no uncertain terms, ladies, because the ass cheek peeking out from under your skirt doesn’t always get the job done. Yandy has a few options in this category. It was tough to pick a favorite, and I’d like to give honorable mention to the costume called “Nurse May I. Kissit.” Still, as brilliant as that is, I have to give top honors to this one:
In case you can't read it, the top says "I love weiners." I’m sure you do, pumpkin. I’m sure you do.
Complete Sexual Deviance: Yandy doesn't discriminate. Just because you might be into some really freaky shiz doesn’t mean you can’t have a sexy Halloween. Yandy has a Sexy Cookie Monster and a Sexy Big Bird for the plushies out there; a Sexy Shower for the obsessive-compulsive clean freak; and this gem for the randy couch potato:
“Hey stud, you don’t even have to leave your Barcalounger. Just press my buttons, sailor!” This one isn't so much offensive as it is hilarious. Sexy. Remote. Control. Wow.
I could go on. For days. But I imagine you get the idea by now. Look, I'm not trying to overanalyze the Halloween costume industry, but...okay, yes I am. It's hard for me to watch what should be a creative and fun holiday become a showcase of dangerous messages about sex and objectification. Don't get me wrong: if you and your partner like to dress up as Bert and Ernie before you get it on, go for it. Behind closed doors, if everyone is game, do it. Have a blast. But think twice about the messages you send before you wear that stuff in public. Snuffleupagus will thank you.