The Da TopChef Code

Evidently it's never snowed on the east coast before, because news is all sorts of slow today. I am going to seize this opportunity to waste your time with a quick note about "Top Chef" because...well, because I fucking love "Top Chef." I love it in that unforgivable way wherein I will postpone other, more enriching activities so that I can watch it. However, normally I can't justify writing about the show because...you know... not to be mean, but, well, it doesn't really matter. With that said:

There is absolutely no integrity left on Bravo. None. None, none, fucking none. At "Top Chef," the editors are over totally it. They're all phoning it in and hoping that The Real Housewives' boobs and botox will pay the bills. And that's the real burn -- because I have watched every season of "Top Chef," and there is no way they gave it away this easily in previous seasons, before table-flipping Teresa and baby-starving Bethenny dominated the station's ratings. But Bravo isn't stupid, and so they respond to what sells. Choreographed drama sells. It is now entirely obvious within the first half hour of "Top Chef" who gets eliminated. They don't even bother making the actual competition suspenseful anymore. Which makes sense. I mean, why bother showcasing actual talent when Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife and Paris Hilton's aunt will talk smack about each other on air? Fine. Asshats.

So here's the secret: pay close attention to the individual interviews. You know, the ones with which they pepper the cooking scenes (pun intended and reprehensible). Whoever is well-groomed goes home; that's it. Seriously. Last week, Casey went home. And in all of her interviews, her hair was all fancy and flat-ironed, and she had jewelry and red lipstick on. Which is all perfectly normal except that the contestants are usually interviewed during kitchen competition -- sweaty and tired, not fresh from the salon. I noticed it last week, and, being the supersleuth that I am who uses all of her mental acumen for important meaningful things, I paid close attention to THE GIRLS' HAIR this week. And, sure enough, within the first 15 minutes, I knew that red-headed Tiffany was going home. Because she was...you already know...flat ironed and wearing jewelry and lipstick. Tell!

So, that's it. I just took up a few minutes of your time to with that. Sorry. Come back soon! We talk about really important issues that should ignite your passion for change in the media. Usually. I promise.