WHAT THE F**KING F**KITY F**K F**K?????!!!!!

"Gwyneth Paltrow Packs on Pounds, Then Slims Down" - the title of a feature at...wait for it...ABC News's online HEALTH page. THIS IS NEWS. HEALTH NEWS. The entire feature is a slideshow of celebrities before and after weight losses or gains. And most of the time, the pics are nearly identical (see above). In addition to pointing out an invisible 20 pound change in Gwynnie, the story makes these other newsworthy celebrity body assessments:

"Christina Aguilera has packed on some pounds..."

Damn childbirth. Babies are such vanity-killing need machines, aren't they?

"Neve Campbell looked quite heavier as she enjoyed a vacation in Hawaii..."

How can she possibly enjoy herself with all that FAT? 

"[Sarah Rue's] weight loss is perfectly timed for trying on dresses for her upcoming wedding."

Phew. Only skinny people look good in wedding dresses. Duh.

If you would like to tell ABC News that this is not only news-free but is also a decidedly unHEALTHy article, they welcome your feedback here. Even if you don't want to do it for Gwyneth (Lord knows I don't), or for the future of news in our country, or as a strike against dangerous media messages, do it for the fun of calling bullshit on ABC. Or at least to stop the slow leak in my brain that started the minute I saw this nonsense. Please.