Oh, You Mean This?

You might have heard by now that Lindsay Lohan is involved a little jewelry theft. I mean, allegedly. According to TMZ, the owner of a Los Angeles store filed a police report stating that LiLo had walked out wearing a $2500 necklace for which she didn't pay -- but which she was wearing inside the store, according to surveillance cameras. The police were just about to serve Linds with a warrant allowing them to search her house when -- funny coincidence -- one of Lindsay's friends brought the necklace to the cops. Oops! Come on, she has ADD, remember? The adderall? She can't be expected to remember stuff like what's hers and what's not. Plus, I mean, this just makes no sense. Addicts never steal. Just saying.

An Open Letter To The Asshats At PETA

Look, I'm a vegetarian. The real kind: I don't "eat fish sometimes," and I don't buy leather. So I really want to support PETA. The problem is, in addition to being an animal rights supporter, I am also a woman with a brain, and PETA manages to insult both my gender and my lucidity at every turn. To wit, this morning I read that Lady Gaga will be featured in PETA's newest anti-fur campaign. Um, really? So she doesn't wear fur. BUT SHE WEARS BEEF. What the fuck? And don't try to tell me now, either you (PETA) OR you (Gaga), that it was some sort of statement on animal rights because, according to LG herself, it was not. So there's that. And then, mere moments after reading about Gaga, I was lucky enough to stumble across your new anti-meat campaign, featured above. Are you kidding? The best you can do is a bunch of naked woman simulating sex acts on vegetables? Very creative. Nothing gives credibility to an organization like hypocrisy and the objectification of women. The animals deserve better, you lazy losers. Grrrrrr.

Palate Cleanser

I don't know about you, but I need a break after the last post. So watch the video. It's funny. It's not important. It's everyone's favorite manic Tweeters, Ashton and Demi, arriving THREE HOURS LATE to a fashion show in Brazil. Ashy and his gramma had the only-from-Hollywood audacity to walk the red carpet and wave after holding up the festivities, and the audience isn't having it. Awesome. Well-done, Brazil. Well done. [The Superficial]

HUMORLESS POST, VOLUME ONE

This is obscene. I can't even write about it.

Please read it, and then let Outdoor Adventures have it.

I'm writing them a formal letter, as "Fuck off, Outdoor Adventures Whistler" isn't going to do it.

Gwyneth Paltrow 2.0

"I'm flying tonight on coach. I know, I know, I feel like I'm bragging now at this point. It's the only seat available, and I have to go back to work tomorrow morning." - Claire Danes to "Extra," backstage at the SAG Awards. WHAT? You're flying WHAT? Oh the humanity! Guess what, Claire? I lived through your self-satisfied and pretentious acceptance speech at the SAGs. I know, I know, I feel like I'm bragging at this point, but it was the only thing on TV, and I had to write about it the next morning. Jackass.

Rehab, Shmehab

“Charlie was supposed to go to a rehab facility but he absolutely refused to go. He is at home now and those close to him are trying to get him to enter a facility, but he doesn't think he has a problem.” - a "pal" of Charlie Sheen tells RadarOnline. It seems Chuck is hiding in his big LA mansion -- not at rehab as his management claimed. Shocker. Well, the good news is that I can return to writing about CShee and his party friends. The bad news is that a father of three is using the $1.88 million he makes each week for memorizing 15 minutes of text to neglect his children in favor of hookers and blow. So, you know, it's good and bad.

Ohhhhh, Them's Fightin' Words!

"He was too busy watching FOX News. He didn't want to cuddle." - Camille Grammer, Real Housewife and soon-to-be ex-wife of Kelsey Grammer, on "The Joy Behar Show," explaining that she and Kelsey had intimacy problems. Now, on paper, it seems like Camille has plenty of reasons to be mad: she allegedly found out via phone call and out of the blue that Kelsey was leaving her for a flight attendant after 13 years of marriage and two kids. So it was understandable when she hinted to Howard Stern that Kelsey likes to dress like a girl, and I empathized when she told E! News that Kelsey impregnated another woman during their marriage...but, WOW, Camille! FOX News? I mean, she could've said he has erectile dysfunction, or he was too busy strangling puppies, and, you know, he would maintained some dignity. But Fox News? Wow. This shiz is getting NASTY. Seriously, no one wants to get called out watching Gretchen Carlson, but it's pretty hilarious that Camille's smear campaign is resorting to Bill O'Reilly. Dirty pool CGram, dirty pool.