Wherein Dina Lohan Seems Not So Bad

"We've had a blast at it. We're like movie stars. We go on set and everyone treats us real special and they do our hair and makeup and tell us how beautiful we are. It's a great ego booster!" - Monica Sexxxton, one half of the porn duo The Sexxxtons, to RadarOnline.com. I should probably mention here that the other half of the duo is Monica's mom, Jessica. Yeah. The 22 year-old girl and her 56 year-old mom make adult films together. Let me help you out with that: the mother and daughter have sex on film with the same men. In the same frame. On the same set. NEXT TO EACH OTHER. But, you guys, it's a great ego booster! Of course it is! I mean, all developmental psychology principles to the contrary, I am certain that Monica's sense of self is strengthened by sharing penises with her mom. And there is nothing at all tragic or instructive about a young girl explaining her fondness for tandem sex with mommy by gushing "they treat us real special and tell us how beautiful we are." For the love of gods, people, pay attention to your daughters -- and maybe to their brains and hearts in particular. Fuck.

The Mayans Were Right (Updated)

Last night at his concert in Atlantic City, Kanye West announced that his sperm took a break from congratulating themselves long enough to make it into Kim Kardashian's fallopian tubes. Yup. They're having a baby.

So, if your messiah is an entitled, greedy, largely talentless, self important schmuck, prepare for the rapture (a Seacrest/Jenner production)!

Update: Did I mention that Monsieur West's exact words were "My beautiful girlfriend is with child" "Make some noise for my babymama"? Oh yeah. If you want to see/hear the classity class classy announcement for yourself, you can watch it here.

[Jezebel]

Wherein I Laugh My Fucking Ass Off

Oh, Leann Rimes. Oh, I love you. I love you I love you a million times I love you.

In fact, I think the bitch is crazy - but she does know how to party. Last night on the season finale of The X Factor, LeeLee performed a duet with 13 year-old contestant Carly Rose Sonenclar. And before gracing the stage, homegirl got trashed. Poor Carly Rose does her best to hide her horror while Leann drunkenly warbles her way through the most obvious case of onstage intoxication since...well, since two minutes prior when Britney introduced them (alcohol, opiates, tomato, tomahto). Aside from the fact that Leann is selfishly fucking with a young teenager's dreams, this is the best thing I've seen all week. So, if you want to hear what I sound like singing karaoke after 5 shots of Grey Goose (don't judge), watch the clip.

The World Might Not Have Ended, But Don't Get Too Comfortable

I know this is my second post in a row about our newly crowned Miss Universe, former Miss USA Olivia Culpo, but, well, the trick keeps talking. This year's newest MENSA candidate explains to People Magazine, "I can't wait to go to Asia. I like Asian food. I love soup. I really want to go to Vietnam and try some soup."

See, young girls, the future is bright! With enough hard work (read: tanning beds and starvation), you too can grow up to...um...go to Vietnam and try some soup.

I'll let Ms. Moore take it from here:

Bless Her Little Heart

"It's such an honor to be representing USA in an international beauty contest in spite of all the tragedy that's happened in this country lately. I really hope that this will raise everybody's spirits a litttle." - Miss USA Olivia Culpo, after winning the Miss Universe title last night. Oh, yes, Olivia. I feel soooooo much better about everything now that you've been awarded a huge sum of money for wearing the prettiest dress and dieting down to the most acceptable bikini size. Just when I thought this country had problems, you done swooped down and saved us all with your BEAUTY CONTEST. How can we ever thank you?

Oh, and let's reserve some of our gratitude for the real hero, Donald Trump, who co-owns the competition. That man really knows how to put good things out into the world. He is the healing, tricho-challenged, orange tinted elixir that will heal us all.

[Radar]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number ButWaitIsSheSkinny?

Skinny! Thin Legs! Tight Jeans! Yes, Us Weekly, Kate Bosworth definitely deserves a headline for the circumference of her thighs. I mean, she's an American fucking hero. When we start awarding Nobel Prizes for BMIs, I'm sure she'll be on the short list -- the skinny, thin, tight, show off, short list.

This Makes "Achy Breaky Heart" Sound Like "La Traviata"

VH1 DIVAS - Miley Cyrus - VH1 DIVAS Photos - Tune In Live Sunday Dec. 16 9/8c at VH1

In case you missed it, here we have Susan Powter Miley Cyrus performing Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" at VHI1's Divas Live Concert. Remember that time you were all, "God, I wish I could see the former child media-prostitute of two morally and intellectually bankrupt parents grab her barely legal crotch and massacre a song while dressed like BDSM Mad Max?" Well, you're welcome. I mean, it's the holiday season, and I'm a giver.