Don't Panic

UPDATE 4/19/11: Yeah, so, evidently my promises are worth shit. Don't tell my husband. Ummm, the blog is having a little existential crisis and is on vacation/hiatus/mental health break until May. There will be lots of excitement (read: drinking at my desk) when we return, so I hope you'll check back. In the meantime, we ARE posting on Twitter, so follow us here!

UPDATE, 4/4/11: I'm still working on the reformat, Paula is still crying vicodin tears, and I promise we'll be back to business this week.

I'm just going to give it to you straight: posting will be erratic for a few weeks. Volume wise, it won't change, but the timing will be different. So if you notice that the page hasn't been updated as usual, it will be. Just stay calm. It'll be hard at first, I know. In a few days, I'll have a hotline set up for anyone who needs support during the transition.

When Asshat Met Crapfest

Chris Brown got a standing ovation after his performance on "Dancing With The Stars" last night. Not only did the audience stand up, but the judges did, too. I didn't see it go down because DWTS sends me into anaphylactic shock, and I'm fresh out of epi-pens for the soul. However, I watched the video this morning over at RadarOnline, where his performance is referred to as "dazzling" and "electric" and, I have to ask, a standing ovation for lip-synching? What the fuck? Of course, any show that had abstinence educator and teen mom Bristol Palin shimmying to the musical double-entendre "Momma Told Me Not To Come" is not too concerned with integrity, so let's just move on to Chris himself. Even before his "energetic" set last night, Brown's new album had hit #1 on the charts. So, clearly, if you want to sell records, you should bust a hole in someone's window in a fit of pissy, whiny, no-balls rage. Of course, beating up your girlfriend might do it, too, but you only get to play that card once in a career. I'm glad to see that Chrissy's complete disregard for other human beings isn't affecting his success. I mean, sure, he acts like a misogynistic, clinically narcissistic, out-of-control punk, but he can do back flips and somersaults! In a red tuxedo no less! All is forgiven! DAZZLING!

I Don't Feel Tardy

Posting will be late today because evidently there is life outside of the internet that we need to attend to here at F-Bomb HQ. Tedious. We'll be back this afternoon for an afternoon and evening chock full o' posts, so check back then! In the meantime, enjoy a little Chris Rock. I love the smell of gun control in the morning.

Nothing Says Family Like A Shamelessly Staged Photo

Here we have, according to UsMagazine.com, the "FIRST PIC: The Cyrus Family Reunites!" Ha. Yeah, right. F-Bomb Café has obtained a memo from Miley's management to her family that explains this "candid" paparazzi shot. The memo states:

I want the four of you to go to that coffee shop near your house. Miley, please be sober and wearing pants and ideally some sort of bulky sweater -- no cleavage. Noah, please be wearing pants -- and no cleavage. Tish, keep your famewhore eyes away from the camera. It would help if you could look lovingly at Billy Ray. And Billy, for the love of God, get a haircut and keep your mouth shut. And nobody mention salvia, divorce, underage drinking, or Bret Michaels. Got it?

Okay, so I made that up. But we all know this is pretty much how it went down. Evidently Miley can, in fact, be tamed.

Her Cuticles Are Serious Business, Yo

All my niggaz wildin, let me see your hands 
All my bitches stylin, let me see your hands
                                      - Foxy Brown, in Toni Braxton's "Let Me See Your Hands"

In case you didn't take her seriously the first couple of times, Foxy Brown needs you to know that her hands are VERY VERY important. To wit, in 2004, Foxy beat up two nail salon employees after a mani-pedi appointment because, as she told the The New York Times, "I got the pedicure, but they didn't give me the manicure." Bitches! Then, in 2007, she was arrested for battery after attacking a beauty store employee. I'm sure he deserved it. And finally, TMZ reports that last week Foxy was kicked off a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed up three hours late to a manicure appointment and then went crazy when the spa could not accommodate her. Security escorted Ms. Brown back to her room and then followed her around for 2 days until the ship pulled into the Cayman Islands and she was sent packing. I think by now we are all accustomed to the specific psychosis that results from celebrity entitlement, but I feel for Foxy. Sometimes you just gotta pop a nail tip in somebody's ass. Thug life, baby. Recognize.

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Christian Edition

"I recognized the psalmist gift in her performance. Yet she sang out, 'I kissed a girl, and I liked it,' while thousands joined her. One part of my heart soared . . . the other part broke for the thousands of hungry souls being fed something that didn't nourish their spirit, but fed their flesh." - Mary Perry Hudson, Katy Perry's mom, explaining how conflicted she is over her daughters fame. It's not only Katy's lyrics that have Mary twisted, but her outfits, as well. Says the Christian preacher, "No mother wants to see the top of her daughter's boobs." Of course not, Mary. Oh, it should be noted that Momma Perry's laments are part of a book proposal she is currently shopping. That's right. Tormented Mother Mary want to write a book about how Katy's fame has affected her Christian Ministry. Hmm. Writing a book about how your daughter's fame affects you sounds a little, oh, I don't know, opportunistic? I mean, sure, maybe Mary is going to donate the profits from the book to her ministry, but...come on. She won't. And, you know, this whole thing is particularly curious considering that Mary wasn't so angst-ridden over Katy's career when Katy bought her a facelift last year. Did that feed your spirit or your flesh, Mary? JUST ASKING.


Katy's boobs traumatize mom [NY Post via Jezebel]

How Shitty Is That?

In case you aren't familiar with Food Network chef and "Barefoot Contessa" Ina Garten, let me introduce her: She is known for creating recipes that focus on fresh ingredients a quick preparation; she is self-taught; she has written seven cookbooks and numerous magazine columns; her catch phrase is "How easy is that?"; and she prefers throwing parties in the Hamptons to fulfilling a dying child's last wish. TMZ reports that The Make-A-Wish Foundation tried twice to contact Ina regarding a six year-old boy named Enzo suffering from leukemia whose last wish was to cook with the Bareheart -- I mean, Barefoot Contessa. The first time Make-A-Wish asked Ina to meet the boy, she was busy with a book tour, and the second time she had other "scheduling conflicts." According to his family members, Enzo is heartbroken, but after two rejections he has moved on to a new wish. Well, good. I mean, I know he's sick and all, and he's only six, but there are people out there willing to donate $100,000 to eat Ina's food. Pony up the cash and stop whining, Enzo. Jeez.


Thanks to DCH for making me sad and angry at 6:30 am -- I mean, for the link :)