Radar's Gaydar

Some time last week, gossip sites started reporting that Jessica Simpson's father, Joe Simpson, has come out to his family as a gay man and is divorcing Jessica's mom, Tina. So far, the divorce has been confirmed, but his sexual orientation has not. I for one don't fucking care with whom Joe Simpson has sex, as long as as it's not me, a child, one of his daughters, or any other non-consenting party. He's gay? Good for him. Whatever. I mean, this may be the only thing I've ever read about Joe Simpson that doesn't make me want to punch him in the face.

If, however, you are desperate to get to the bottom of this sexual-orientation mystery, first I would ask you to look at your own attitudes about sex and sexuality (you can get back to me on that), and then I would direct you to RadarOnline.com, where some hard-working investigative journalists have cracked the case wide open. Yesterday, the site posted the photos you see above with this caption: "Ab Fab Fedora, Joe! Simpson Shows Off More Flamboyant Look In Wake Of Gay Scandal." A FEDORA! Oh, he's definitely gay. No straight man would ever wear something so flamboyant! What's next? He likes musicals? He's good at decorating? Please, Radar, don't keep us waiting. The public has a right to know just how many ridiculous stereotypes you can perpetuate while reinforcing the idea that homosexuality is some sort of scandal. Hurry!!!!!

P.S.: This just in!! Brad Pitt must be really gay. Check out the evidence:

[Radar]

Yeah, Thirty Days Oughta Do It

Here we have Nadya Suleman -- that's Octomom to you and me -- heading off to rehab. Her rep tells TMZ that NSul has developed a little Xanax problem after her doctor prescribed the drug to help her deal with anxiety. Evidently, Nadya has found that raising 14 kids as a single mom makes one a little tense. Hmm. Who knew? She must be really shocked. I mean, can't a girl just collect unemployment, get multiple plastic surgeries, and use advanced reproductive technology to grow 8 fetuses in her one womb while also raising 6 young kids alone without getting all stressed out? Jeez. What is the world coming to? Is the American Dream lost? IS THERE NO GOD?

All is not dark, though; there's still so much charity and love in the world. According to TMZ, "...Nadya can afford to pay for treatment by herself -- because she's making a ton of money from her porn career -- but the rehab facility offered to pick up the tab anyway." OH GOOD. Thanks to the saints at said "rehab center" for realizing when someone is just really down on her luck.

Get The Ark Ready

Posting will be light today as I obsessively check on friends and family in the Northeast, where streets are flooded and trees are uprooted. Look, I'm not much for The Bible (though in general I really enjoy fiction), but it sure looks to me as if God/Goddess/MotherNature/Buddha/George Clooney has had enough. I blame KKar.

Stay safe, peeps. Posting will resume tomorrow...if there is one. Just kidding (I think).

No Snark, Felicia Garcia Edition

This is Felicia Garcia. She was a foster child who had lost both of her parents and who had been suffering from depression. At a high school party, she allegedly had sex with four football players. The 4 boys told everyone about it, and thereafter Felicia spent her days at school as the object of slut-shaming, harassment, and bullying -- secondary victimization, as we say. On Wednesday, the administration at Felicia's school conducted a mediation session between Felicia and one of the football players (we call this retraumatization, for the record). That afternoon, on the way home, Felicia threw herself in front of a train in front of hundreds of school mates. Shortly before, the girl had tweeted, "I cant, Im done, I give up."

If for one second you feel a twinge of "well, she did sleep with four guys at a party," I encourage you to reflect on your own decision making abilities at age 15 and then add to the mix the despair of being an orphaned foster child. Consider how difficult it must be for a child to be assertive when she has no unconditional support. Now throw in an environment that tells you EVERY DAY that, as a woman, your only worth is in your body -- oh, and that body isn't really all yours anyway. We all get to make decisions about it. Ask yourself why the girl was a pariah but the 4 football players were heroes. Add some relentless images of sexualized children, and read up a little on slut-shaming and victim-blaming.

It's the least you could do.

[NYDN]

Least Shocking News Of The Week

Are you sitting down? Word on the street (by which I mean The National Enquirer via The Huffington Post via RadarOnline.com --  the trash triumvirate) is that professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of her most recent film, Scary Movie 5. You might remember that in the last few years, Her Royal Highallthetimeness has been accused of stealing a mink coat from a nightclub, a bunch of clothing from some model she's never met, almost half a million dollars worth of Dior jewelry from a photo shoot, and a Rolex watch someone left at her house. Oh, and then there was that time she went to jail for stealing a necklace from a jeweler. Look, news people, how about you let us know when six months go by during which Lilo hasn't stolen something, K? Free Winona!!!

[HuffPost]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number ShootMeNow

This is the first paragraph of an article I just read at RadarOnline.com.

"Courtney Stodden's 52 year-old husband Doug Hutchison was left in tears on the most recent episode of Couple's Therapy when his wife didn't show for their yoga session, and RadarOnline.com's [sic] has a clip of fellow castmate Shayne Lamas blaming the absence on the 18 year-old's 'stripper shoes.'"

Whoever wrote this needs a stiff drink. Preferably bleach, neat.

Health Care, Exploitation, Same Difference

I've been trying really hard to ignore this whole Honey Boo-Boo thing, but leave it to Dr. Drew to make that impossible. Yesterday, Drew interviewed the 7 year-old on his eponymous talk show, and the poor kid resorted to faking sleep to try to communicate to the negligent adults around her that she is fucking tired of being whored out. And just in case that didn't get the point across, when Drew asked Alana (yeah, she actually has a name) if it's hard to be on TV, she answered, "Fans come up to me and I hate it." I'm not going to get into the crime that is this poor girl's parenting, so let's just focus on Drew for a minute. This is the DOCTOR who brought us Celebrity Rehab, a show ostensibly about helping barely famous addicts but that was really about showcasing Drew's abjectly unethical behavior. For the record, four Celebrity Rehab alums have died since taping the show. I guess making worse the lives of long-suffering adults got old for Dr. Pinksy, so he's started profiting from the demoralization of children. I mean, that's the logical next step for anyone in a helping profession, right? I think if Drew teaches us anything, it's that the whole Hippocratic Oath thing is a total joke. Harm, shmarm: let's make some money! Whoot! 

[Radar]