Taking A Week Off

Just until next Tuesday. Sorry. I know my millions of readers will be lost and drowning in despair, but duty calls. (And, no, I'm not on a bender. Thanks a lot.)

If you haven't heard about Lindsay's latest arrest by now, well, you probably wouldn't read this blog o'drivel, so never mind.

Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Volume Number WillThisShitEverStop

From the stupid fuckers at TMZ, about Jessica Simpson's super secret Weight Watchers diet plan: "For a while, it didn't look as if she'd lose any weight at all -- at least based on her terrible Weight Watchers commercial -- so we gotta say...we're impressed."

Oh my god, Jess! TMZ is impressed with your weight loss! Good work, punkin; you really had them worried with that whole inexcusable, post-pregnancy, not-skinny-enough-yet thing. Thankfully for all of us, TMZ is vigilant about policing women's bodies, no matter what it takes. Remember last year when they reported Christina Aguilera's height and weight as stated in a police report? This is important investigative journalism, people. I mean, at a time when women's bodies are under government attack, it's comforting to know that an online gossip agency is policing our shapes and sizes. This kind of critical work should be rewarded -- with a kick to the pathetic, shriveled balls of whoever is in charge of this bullshit. I'm talking to you, Harvey Levin.

Now That's Just Funny

I was going to post a second update to the original story about the Aubry/Martinez row, but this deserves its own space. Lots of new details have been trickling out about this little sissy fight, but the best tidbit imaginable comes from TMZ, where it's reported that witnesses can't say what Gabriel, Halle Berry's ex, and Olivier, Berry's current, said to each other as they argued because, wait for it...wait for it..."they were trash talking each other in French." Sacre bleu! That must have been some intense and macho argument. No word on whose beret sustained the most damage.

The good news is that Berry allegedly got her and Aubry's 4 year-old daughter, Nahla, out of sight before the punches started. The bad news is that as a result of starting the fight, Aubry has now been ordered by the court to stay away from Berry, Martinez, and Nahla. So the kid can't see her dad because he had to metaphorically whip out his dick at Thansgiving. Good call, dude. Really.

Photo courtesy of TMZ.com

Least Articulate Commentary Ever (Up-hiccup-dated)

On my part, that is. It's Thanksgiving, I'm tipsy -- so whatever.

But this story? Duuuuuude. The FUCK? Read it. Really. Even though it's from my arch nemesis Us Weekly, I want you to read it. I'll try to come up with something remotely amusing later, but for now, I just want to say that Halle Berry...just...I don't know. Dra-mah!

I probably don't want to be light about this at all -- let's remember there is a 4 year-old child in the middle of this fucking nonsense. Happy Thanksgiving, little girl. Sorry the men in your life are a couple of pathetic, pussywhipped losers.

Crazy kids. Christ.

UPDATE: Aubry was arrested, Martinez is out of the hospital, all the adults involved are negligent narcissists, etc., etc. You can get ongoing updates over at TMZ

Let Me Get To The Bottom Of This

THEY'RE CHILDREN! That's the real story.

Seriously. I've been ignoring this Bieber/Gomez newsfest because, I mean, jeezus, people -- he's 18 years old, she is 20, and, just, ew. I'm not even sure the Biebz balls have dropped. So just stop already.

Plus, I heard he totally ignored her in homeroom, you guys. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!

[Radar Online]

Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Fox News Edition

Nothing says holiday spirit like laughing at people who don't have enough money for food, amirite? Not to mention, jokes about impoverished families are flat-out fucking hilarious. I mean, I'm slapping my knee just THINKING about people who will suffer through the holidays. Evidently, so is Andrea Tantaros, co-host of The Five on Fox News. Discussing Newark Mayor Cory Booker's pledge to live on food stamps for a week, ATant busted herself up remarking how slender she'd be if forced to live in poverty. Her exact words: "I should try it because, do you know how fabulous I'd look? I mean, the camera adds ten pounds. It really does. I would be looking great." Oh my fucking GODS, Tanty, I hope the camera adds an unspeakable amount of ignorant, egregious stupidity, too, because if this shit is natural, you're fucked. And for the record, your particular brand of ugly -- the inside kind -- doesn't look fabulous ever.

If you want to watch this asshole in action, here's the clip (Andrea's hilarity ensues around 1:38):




Stay classy, Fox News.

[Jezebel]

Giving Thanks

I was going to write some treacly post about being thankful for my health and relative freedom or some shit, and then it came to my attention that Li'l Jon and Paris Hilton have recorded a song together. That's enough, right? I mean, I can get TWO Thanksgivings' worth of gratitude out of that alone. But it gets better! The song is called...wait for it...wait for it..."I Wanna Bang You." Yeah. It's a metaphor, I think. They lyrics are equally esoteric, naturally. Raps the Littlest Jon: "Last night was awesome/super fucking awesome/It was me, myself, and I, and her/We had ourselves a foursome."

"Super fucking awesome" really says it all.

So, Happy Thanksgiving. Posting will continue throughout the holiday week, but it will be sporadic (read: when I'm drunk). If you haven't already, maybe you'll consider making it a no-kill holiday? Maybe? Oh, and Real Housewives don't count; slaughter away on those tricks for sure.