Well It's About Fucking TIme

Word on the street is that Chris Brown's girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, has finally dumped his whiny ass in the face of reports that King Asshat has been getting a little too close to Rihanna. Now, first of all: Good. But, second of all: What the fuck? She was okay with him beating the shit out of his ex, but kissing her is off limits? Whatever. As for Breezy himself, the little jerk told Pus Weekly, "I love Karrueche very much, but I don't want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna." Mm-Hmm. Considering Chrissy's track record of hurting those he "loves," I'd say KTran made the right decision. RUN, woman. Run far.

One Of The Great Political Minds Of Our Lifetime Has Spoken

Scott Stapp, lead singer of the shitstorm, I mean, band Creed appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday to announce that he won't be voting for Obama. Okay, um, I know the election is coming up, and every vote counts and all that, but if I may be so bold, I'm going to have to say NO ONE CARES, SCOTTY. I mean, we're talking about the man responsible for this:

If you haven't stabbed yourself in the eyes, here's a quotation from Mr. Stapp's interview over at Fox: "My heart and soul would really like someone like Reagan or FDR to come back and give us a new deal." Reagan? REAGAN? Yeah, that'd be swell! The man who once called Medicaid recipients "a faceless mass, waiting for handouts" and who, during his presidency, managed to ignore AIDS, give huge tax breaks to the rich, fund terrorists, and increase unemployment? Great idea, you clown. Get a haircut, lay off the Juvederm, and stick to what you do best -- oh wait. What is that exactly? JUST ASKING.

[HuffPost]

Wah Wah Wah

LeAnn Rimes gave her first post-rehab interview to the The Boston Herald last week, and in it the singer/bikini-inhabitant explained that social media forces were at the root of the anxiety and stress that drove her to seek inpatient care. Said LeAnn, "I think it's really hard to deal with Twitter and Facebook and all these social media outlets. And it's hard to take it day after day of reading and seeing things that someone you don't even know says about you. As much as you said you don't want it to penetrate, it does, because you're human." Now that she is feeling better and stronger, LeeLee will kick off a tour in Nevada this Friday. There's no word on the identity of the mystery person who held a gun to her head and forced her to open and maintain her Facebook and Twitter accounts before forcing her to call and curse out one of her former Twitter followers, but I sure hope this depraved criminal is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

[Radar Online]

Mmm-Hmm

Yesterday I posted some props to Christina Aguilera, which wasn't easy considering I am decidedly Team Britney. Now it turns out that the words for which I applauded her were never uttered -- well, at least not by Chrissy. CAg's rep told Entertainment Weekly that the quotations were fabricated, confirming what I had known before yesterday: she's not that cool. See, this is what happens when I stop snarking and try to be nice. That'll teach me. As you were.

Tastes Like Chicken!

Former Partridge Family and reality TV star Danny Bonaduce was at a Washington casino for a meet and greet on Friday when a woman asked for a kiss and then bit him in the face. The woman was taken into custody, and Bonaduce was treated with antibiotics. He isn't going to press charges, though, because, as he said of his attacker, "I think she was truly, truly delusional. I don't think she had any idea what she did." Um, yeah, I'd say that the minute someone identifies as a Danny Bonaduce fan, it's safe to say she's lost touch with reality. Get well soon, Bonny.

[Us]

She Should Sue Them All

Okay, let me make this as simple as I can. On Saturday night, Lindsay Lohan met some dude named Christian LaBella at a bar (where she definitely wasn't drinking because she doesn't do that, you guys) and then took him back to her hotel room. Early Sunday morning (read: once the coke wore off), Lilo says that she and Monsieur LaBella got into an argument over cell phone photos he'd taken of her, after which the guy threw her to the ground and choked her. Lindsay called the cops, and her alleged attacker was charged with assault and harassment. Well, now, in what can only be called a stunning turn of events, the NYPD has dropped the charges against LaBella because detectives have determined that Lilo's story doesn't check out. I, for one, am stunned. Never mind the fact that valuable law enforcement time and money is being used to indulge the deluded ramblings of a convicted thief -- this is a travesty of rectitude! I demand a recount! JUSTICE FOR LINDSAY! FREE WINONA! AT-TIC-A! AT-TIC-A!

Yeah, I'm As Surprised As You Are

In the ongoing, critically important debate that is Britney vs. Christina, I've always been Team Britney. Don't get me wrong: CAg is clearly the better singer; we all know that. But she seems like kind of a douche, right? I mean, People.com has an entire photo gallery devoted to Xtina's "feuds" with other celebs. So I've always had a soft spot for little-girl-gone-personality-disordered-conservatee BritBrit. But today I am going to give props to Hissy Fit Chrissy, who told Billboard Magazine that after her label pressured her to lose weight for her 2006 Back to Basics tour, she told them to suck it this time around. Says Christina:

"I told them during the Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it and get over it.' My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore -- my body is just not on the table that way anymore."

Let's not discuss the part about how her body once was on the table that way, because she didn't start that fire. Imma put my fingers in my ears and hum through that bit. For now, I just want to give props where props are due. No snarky comments, no backhanded compliments. I swear. See? I am not thinking of any jokes involving the words "dirrty genie in a bottle." Nope. Not one.

[Huffpost]