The Hippocratic Oath Is For Sissies, Anyway

"I definitely think I should have been way more informed. I think that doctors should really walk you through all aspects of it, not just the glamorous side. Doctors, it's like they're selling you cookies or something." - Heidi Montag, in an ABC interview, referencing her 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day. Here's the scary thing ahout her statement: she makes...oh man, I can't believe I am going to write this... a good point. Stay with me. RadarOnline has published emails exchanged between Heidi Montag and Dr. Frank Ryan, the plastic surgeon who performed her procedures. The emails -- which Dr. Ryan often signed "XOXO" -- seem to support Heidi's recent allegation that he pushed her to have more procedures than she should. And on top of that, the dude was clearly asking Heidi to help make him famous. Dr. Ryan died in a car crash a few months ago, so, you know, I'll leave him alone. But the emails are super creepy for three reasons: they make a scary statement about medical ethics; they illuminate a dangerous effect of celebrity culture; and they prove that Heidi Montag actually said something worth listening to. Shudder. Here's a sample of Dr. Ryan's messages to Heidi:

Not sure if you are following me on twitter, but could you mention to your followers that they may want to follow me? My web guy keeps bugging me to get more active in twitter.

(After repeatedly asking her to come to his birthday party) I need the modern-day marilyn monroe to sing happy birthday to me like she did to JFK! :)

Let me know when you want some botox/juvederm.

Can you wear the dr frank ryan eco-spa wear along with a dr frank ryan T that day? They are perfect for lounging or yofa or working out etc. I will bring some with me so you can change into them, if you don't mind.

Now if you don't think Dr. Ryan's emails raise important issues, please consider the fact that I just wrote an entire post about Heidi Montag without saying "robot," "giant boobs" or "jackass." Scary shiz, people. Scary shiz.

Cry Me A Silicone River

"I can’t afford security, so I practice self defense and chain punching. I have spent millions in security in the last 4 years because I had to take care of the cost all on my own. It’s crazy and it’s hard, but life is not always fair." - Heidi Montag Pratt, to RadarOnline.com. Hear that, people? LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS FAIR BECAUSE HEIDI HAS TO PAY FOR SECURITY. You know, Heidi's statement is eerily coincidental, because just yesterday I was talkiing to a family who has no money to buy holiday gifts for their kids and the mom was saying that it would be so much easier if only Heidi Montag didn't have to pay for security. Man, life IS unfair, Heidi.

Stop Playing With Me, Spencer

"We were spending more than $100,000 [each month] on clothes, for sure. And we would only wear them once... For me to think I was going to be famous and continue at that level of income on a steady basis was...naive, egotistical, and just foolish...I can't have a long range plan because I'm so hated I don't see anywhere I could go...It's not fair for this sweet, innocent Heidi Montag to be part of Speidi." - Spencer Pratt, in a new interview with Life&Style. Pratt discusses Speidi's financial ruins at length, admitting that he and Heidi were desperate for fame (newsflash!) and blew all their income in its pursuit. It struck me when I watched the interview clip that Spencer sounds...oh man...I'm going to say it...sincere. And then I realized, of course, that this could be as much a publicity stunt as all the stunts before it. Or maybe they have changed. Or maybe it's all a joke. Or maybe Speidi was a joke. Or maybe we're all just part of Speidi's dream and Heidi shot JR and the Man in Black is John Locke. All to say, I was conflicted by Spencer's mea culpa for about five minutes, and then I read an interview with Heidi Montag's mom in People magazine in which she explains that Heidi's young brother, "is eligible at free lunch for school and is proud to take advantage of it." That pretty much puts it all in perspective, no? Suck it, Speidi.

This Is Her Sad Face

"I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands." - Heidi Montag, to Life & Style magazine. Heidi displays her plastic surgery scars for the mag and laments, "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body...This is not what I signed up for." It's not? Oh. Hmm. I guess Heidi signed up for the 10 plastic surgeries in one day that don't leave scars and disfigurement. Oops! Oh well...Darwin, 1; Heidi 0!

If By "Heartbreaking" You Mean "Evidence of Your Stupidity," Then I Agree

"I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to workout with these boobs. It's heartbreaking. I can't live an every day life." - Heidi Montag, to Life&Style magazine, explaining why she wants to have her G cup implants removed. Heidi explained, "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or double D." Heidi, you can downgrade to an A cup and you'll still be nowhere near normal, my dear. Just saying.

Let's Hope It Happens Then

"That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab … knives into my own eyes than see her on this network." - Andy Cohen, Senior Vice President of Original Programming at Bravo, responding to rumors that Heidi Montag Pratt will be joining the cast of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." It seems that ACo thinks his trash is superior to Heidi's trash, which is pretty fascinating. I mean, if I do the famewhore math, where x is equal to cosmetic surgery procedures and y is equal to shameless narcissism....okay, equations aren't my strong suit. The point is, Andrew, that you are as culpable as the Pratts on the DestructionOfSociety-o-meter, so settle the f*ck down.

(You can read more about Andy's Housewives here and here.)

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 17

“I was loving them (the sleeping pills). I had been on them for a couple weeks when I had a bad reaction, likely because I was also drinking wine which it says not to do I discovered later." - Darlene Egelhoff, mom to the inimitable Heidi Montag Pratt, describing a night she "thought might be my last" on her blog. Darlene tells the gripping tale of her insomnia and subsequent Ambien prescription, which led to her night of near-death terror. Oh, if only the world had known about the dangers of mixing sleeping pills and booze! I mean, how could she POSSIBLY know that it's dangerous? Jackass. Frankly, I'm shocked. I'd always expected that Heidi had been raised by geniuses.

The American Dream

"Karissa Shannon and Sam Jones III are planning on releasing an album together...the two sex tape stars have used their porn payout by splurging on a black Rolls Royce Phantom." - from X17online. You might remember the lovely Karissa as one half of Hugh Hefner's twin-sisters girlfriend team. You know, the one who made out with her sister at a Playboy Mansion party? Well, if you thought Karissa's only talent was shameless and salacious self-objectification, you were wrong. Now, Karissa and her boyfriend have parlayed her  first achievement into a real career with a sex tape and an album. It's good to see these two kids make it, isn't it? Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag must be bursting with pride.

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number OuchMyEyes

In case you woke up today feeling shitty about your life, consider that some poor slob had to spend the day with Heidi Montag's bionic ass pointed in his/her/their face. Feel better? Good.

[TMZ]

We Can Fix You; We Have the Technology

Every Monday when I sit down to write this column, I am ready with the opening. I always know how I want to start. But I have to tell you, I have been sitting here for over thirty minutes staring at my screen and for the life of me I have no idea how to introduce the topic. There is just no pithy way for me to ease into this outrageous nonsense; there is no cute little anecdote I can present before smoothly segueing into the subject. So I am just going to throw it right at you. No kisses, no dinner, just the raw deal. Here it is:

Healthy magazine, a British periodical that promotes “health and well-being” radically retouched the cover model for their April issue because she was…wait for it…too thin. Let me just give that to you again: a magazine Photoshopped a model’s entire body to make her look heavier and therefore healthy. And this wasn't a quick retouching. It took thirty pounds of digital weight, according to the editor, Jane Druker, who explained that when the model arrived, “there were plenty of clothes that we couldn’t put on her because her bones stuck out too much. She looked beautiful in the face, but really thin and unwell.” So the editor of a magazine that promotes HEALTH decided to proceed with featuring a model who was so thin that she looked UNHEALTHY by just AIRBRUSHING the HEALTH right onto her. Sorry to yell, but, I mean, come on. Even in our messed up world of Heidi Montag and Real Housewives and Baby Food Diets, this is an all time low. Ms. Druker did a pathetic job of defending her magazine by saying, “Sometimes when you cast a model, they look OK, but then when they turn up on the shoot day, they might not have eaten for two or three days. You’re not in charge of their health.” Um, you are certainly in charge of whom you pay, Druker, and you should have sent that model’s scrawny a*s home with a “no thanks” and a sandwich.

I know Jane Druker is not a singular, sinister force in the world of unrealistic media images. But Druker represents a terrifying trend in these images. It’s gone from Photoshopping out zits and undereye circles to making already thin girls even thinner to hiring models who are so thin they look sick and digitally building the “perfect” body on their skeletons. What is happening? It has to be some sort of exponential equation or inverse algorithm or whatever math phrase means “holy crap, this stuff is out of control.” It’s not only the retouching that is out of control; look at what happens to unretouched images. You know where you see the candid photos of famous women that don’t get airbrushed beyond recognition? They land in Star magazine’s “Worst Beach Bodies” feature, where the editors add yellow arrows to point out cellulite and caption the shots with clever phrases like “thigh anxiety.” No wonder fashion mags have given up on using real photos of women. "THIGH ANXIETY."

Jane Drucker’s preposterous decision at Healthy magazine is unthinkable, but it's instructive. It reinforces the fact that, in general, magazines care more about making money than about promoting health. They want to create the most attractive image, no matter how unrealistic or hypocritical, because they want to sell magazines. So if you think it’s a little scary that editors have decided to just draw women from scratch, don’t buy the mags with obviously Photoshopped covers and avoid issues like last week’s Star. The magazines print what we buy. Let’s stop literally and figuratively buying the idea that a computer generated image of a woman looks better than a real one.

Do It Already!

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

"It was just bad. It was just awful. It was horrible. A public school chorus singing ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’ I literally — if I wasn’t going to go out to some parties I would have slit ‘em right then. It was the worst. I was looking for a knife to stick in my eyes, it was so terrible." - Andy Cohen, Senior Vice President of Original Programming at Bravo, on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," talking about the kids from PS 22, who closed out Sunday's Oscars. That's right; the man responsible for The Real Housewives thinks a group of children singing is horrible. That's rich, Andrew. Granted, the kids were lip-synching, which was pretty lame, but certainly that's no reason to shame them on national television. Of course, shame is clearly not in Andy's repertoire of emotions. Not only is ACo clearly against all that is decent in the world, he is also terribly uncreative, as we've already heard him threaten to stick knives in his eyes -- last time in response to Heidi Montag Pratt's comment that she wanted to join "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." Hey, Andy, you are responsible for the single biggest crapfest franchise on TV today, so maybe you ought to zip it. Or at the very least, stop teasing us and just stab yourself. Really.

Did P.S. 22 Singers Ruin Oscars? [NYTimes]

Quick and Dirty

It could be worse. I guess: And by "worse," I mean "Heidi Montag." Today's the day! Kim Kardashian's first single, Jam (Turn It Up), dropped, as they say. It's...you know...Kim Kardashian singing. I'll say this much: It's good to see Kimmie working. You can listen to the song at the link. F-Bomb Café assumes no responsibility for sad eardrums or bruised souls. Enjoy! [PerezHilton]

This is cool. No, really: Holly Madison poses in the upcoming issue of "Life&Style" in a bikini and without retouching (gasp!). Says Holly, "I've always had a butt, and I want to keep it - cellulite and all. I'm not perfect, but I love my curves." Well! How about that? Healthy, normal, and formerly intimate with Hugh Hefner. How often do those 3 go together?! Well done, HMad! [HuffPost]

Until genetics are reversible, this will have to do: Michael Lohan, Jr., brother to Lindsay and son of Michael and Dina, has decided to change his name so as to distance himself from his trainwreck father. For a minute, I thought I smelled some sanity over at camp LiLo and got excited. Alas, the new and improved Michael Cameron plans to introduce his new moniker with the upcoming movie in which he stars -- a movie produced my his batshit mother, Dina. Oh well. Baby, steps, MCam. Baby steps. [TMZ]

Reproductive health: check. Marriage equality: check. The planet: check: Republicans are flying through their to-do list of destruction. After launching full-out assaults on individual rights, the GOP has turned its attention to mother nature. House Republicans have gotten rid of the biodegradable food containers and utensils that Nancy Pelosi brought to the White House and have instead returned to using plastic and styrofoam. That's cool. No use protecting the earth while everything else is going to shit, right? Grrrrr. [Jezebel]

From the Files of "No Duh," Edition 9.0

TMZ.com and People magazine report that Lindsay Lohan failed a court-ordered drug test last week. Of course she did. Lindsay responded by telling Us Weekly, "I'm fine. They're all nuts." Sure you are, pumpkin. You're fine, Kate Gosselin is a great parent, and Heidi Montag is a role model. Also, the sky is green. Of course.

UPDATE: Lilo has confirmed that she failed the drug test. 

Yeah, This One Is Definitely for the Ladies

"Giving myself a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft." - Heidi Montag on Twitter yesterday. Okay, so we can add this to the list of her embarrassingly pathetic cries for attention. I assume HeidiHo here thinks that the mental picture of her feeling herself up is, uh, titillating. And if by "titillating" she means "revolting," then she's correct. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to blind my mind's eye.

Apple, Tree, Doesn't Fall Far, Blah Blah Blah

Radaronline reports that Darlene Egelhoff, Heidi Montag's estranged mother, is charging $5000 for motivational speaking engagements (plus expenses). Ummm...okay. Evidently, Egelhoff's speeches mirror the content of her blog, Metamorphosis of a Mother, with topics that include "Perfect You," "Cutting the Chord," and "Sunshine In Your Heart." Sounds great. And as if the idea of paying to hear the mom of a plastic surgery-addicted famewhore spew nonsense isn't absurd enough, here's a sample of the inspirational messages at Darlene's blog:

I don't have the strength to hold up my heavy head. I also don't have the strength to hold in my emotions any longer, I begin sobbing. Knowing I am alone I very dramatically roll out of my chair collapse onto the floor around me, after a while I'm empty, I feel numb, I can't think straight or even think at all.

Motivational indeed! Only $5000, people! Book her now!

But Gay Marriage Is The Real Threat

These are 6 of the 8 headlines currently displayed at Usmagazine.com:

PIC: See Jessica Simpson's Stunning Engagement Ring!
EXCLUSIVE: Jessica Simpson, Eric Johnson Are Engaged
EXCLUSIVE: LeAnn Rimes' Ex Dean Sheremet is Engaged
Leann Rimes Gives Ex Dean Sheremet Her Marital Blessing
Billy Ray Cyrus Flips Out When Asked About Split
Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt to Renew Wedding Vows

Thank goodness we heteros are keeping the institution of marriage sacred.