French Vogue Is Trying to Kill Me

This photo is from the latest issue of French Vogue. The girl, if you don't know, is formerly-anorexic-now-"plus-sized" model Crystal Renn. Okay, I get it, French Vogue. Let's shoot the "chubby" girl as a glutton! Tres clever. But, first of all, this picture made me throw up in my mouth. More importantly, if fashion editors would just give the gorgeous and in fact normal-sized Crystal assignments that don't focus on her weight, they'd make a much more effective (and not vomit-inducing) statement on the issue. You can be smarter than this, Vogue. Give it a try.

If By "Amazing" You Mean "Offensive," Then I Agree

"This show will give viewers a glimpse of the real Paris and her life, which is sometimes quite amazing." - a "source" tells The New York Post's Page Six about Paris Hilton's new reality show for the Oxygen Network. Why the $%#* do we continue to give this woman work? Seriously, people. The Post also reports that Paris intends to use the show to "convince the world she's not a dizzy blonde." Paris, Paris, Paris. No one thinks you are really blonde. Come on, now.

Also, Girls Are Bad at Math

"Housewives and retiree's [sic] only know enough legal jargon to get them through an episode of CSI. Can't expect much more than that." - Perez Hilton, on his blog, in a post about jury confusion in the ongoing Anna Nicole Smith drug conspiracy case. That's right, Perez; housewives and retirees are one giant mass of uneducated waste -- unlike famewhoring bloggers whose talents include child pornography. Oh, and there is no apostrophe in the plural word "retirees," you jackass.

Because the Publishing Industry Isn't In Enough Trouble

"Who better than Snooki to write a fun, sexy novel about a single girl looking for love on the Jersey Shore?" - Jennifer Bergstrom of Simon and Schuster's Gallery Books, the publisher that will be releasing Snooki's book, "A Shore Thing," to Us Weekly. WHO BETTER? Um, let's see. This desk, my dog, a rock...Not that I'm bitter about this or anything. Incidentally, Gallery Books also published the classic "Hot Chicks With Douchebags," so, you know, literacy is clearly not their business. Stay classy, Simon and Schuster!

Wah Wah Wah

"I think he should apologize publicly and he should be reprimanded for it." - Michael Bolton, on Good Morning America, speaking about Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli. Bolton was eliminated this week from the crapfest, I mean show, after dancing what Bruno called "the worst jive in 11 seasons." Poor Mikey was so hurt by Bruno's criticism that he is publicly calling for Bruno's mea culpa. Because these shows are all about fair, tasteful competition. Take the skirt off, Bolts. Also, um, you put out quite a few albums back in the day, and we're still waiting for an apology for them. Just sayin'.

This Doesn't Look Staged At All

"Lindsay hopes to use this book to help restructure her sleeping patterns so she can function better," an "insider" tells Radaronline.com in reference to this photo, which shows Lindsay reading the self-help book "The Power of Rest" by Dr. Matthew Edlund hours before checking into rehab at an undisclosed facility in Southern California. Radaronline somehow obtained the "exclusive photo" of Lindsay inside her apartment. Wow! How did they ever get their hands on this? Who would possibly sell these very private and moving photos? I can't imagine. Oh, and the "insider" (*cough*Lindsay) also tells the website that Lindsay is "tired of being the party girl." Sure you are, pumpkin. Now, get some real help. Fifth time's a charm!

The American Dream

"Karissa Shannon and Sam Jones III are planning on releasing an album together...the two sex tape stars have used their porn payout by splurging on a black Rolls Royce Phantom." - from X17online. You might remember the lovely Karissa as one half of Hugh Hefner's twin-sisters girlfriend team. You know, the one who made out with her sister at a Playboy Mansion party? Well, if you thought Karissa's only talent was shameless and salacious self-objectification, you were wrong. Now, Karissa and her boyfriend have parlayed her  first achievement into a real career with a sex tape and an album. It's good to see these two kids make it, isn't it? Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag must be bursting with pride.

She's In and She's Out; She's Up and She's Down

So, you have probably already heard that Lindsay Lohan was released from jail just before midnight last night. Yup. Hide your booze, people. Despite the earlier ruling from Judge Elden Fox that she remain in jail without bail until her hearing on October 22, another judge overturned the ruling on appeal and granted Lindsay $300,000 bail, which La Vida Loca-han posted. The only catch is that she has to wear a SCRAM bracelet. You know, because that worked so well the first time. Keep up the good work, UCLA rehab!

Do Not Pass Go, Lo

TMZ.com reports that Lindsay Lohan has been sent to jail without bail. Yup. Judge Elden Fox did not listen to any testimony before issuing his ruling. Homeboy ain't playing. In fact, L to the Ohan could sit in jail for a full month before she is sentenced for violating her probation with two failed drug tests. I know. You're shocked. We all are. It's just so unlike her to disregard the law.

Sure It Was, Pumpkin

"I just fell in love, and then I fell in love again, and then I fell in love again...It was faith based." - Kody Brown, star of TLC's new reality show, Sister Wives, to Today Show host Meredith Viera. Kody has three wives, 13 kids, and one fiancée. "Fell in love," huh? Is that what the kids call it these days? Kody also referred to his polygamist lifestyle as "accelerated personal development." Which evidently means "compensating for my small penis."

TM-Effing-I, Dude

"I had my nipple moved up half an inch, so my boobs were lifted without having a scar from the nipple to underneath the breast...[A week later] I felt a sharp pain in my left breast but didn't realize how serious it was until the bandages came off and there was tear around my nipple." - Kim Zolciak, of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," to InTouch magazine. I should add that KZo tore her -- say it with me, people -- NIPPLE! on a water slide in the Bahamas. Once you regain consciousness, think about the idiocy involved in throwing yourself down a water park ride one week after having your NIPPLES! moved. At least she won't have that scar, though. Thank goodness. That would be madness.

Photo courtesy of InTouch via HuffingtonPost.com

Oh, Please No

"The Hoff and I are mad cool. He's an awesome guy." - "Jersey Shore's" Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, speaking to Us Weekly about his just-eliminated "Dancing with the Stars" co-star, David Hasselhoff. Yeah, this friendship sounds like a great idea. Let's look at the pair's recent resumé items: Before sharing the DWTS stage, Hoff appeared wasted and slurring in a home movie filmed by his daughter, and then he went on to pimp out said daughter and her sister on a reality show; Sitch, on the other hand, has been busy flashing his abs all over town while garnering fame for his "Jersey Shore" residence, where his accomplishments include labeling "ugly" girls"grenades." And now they're friends. Great. One small step for talentless fools, one giant step for the destruction of society. Thanks, DWTS!

Photo courtesy of AP Photo 

America's Most Idiotic Title

From Jezebel.com: "While vacationing in Florida, Anysha Pasesar of Wales was crowned America's Most Perfect Teen after the pageant director failed to list residency requirements. While some say the Brit should've been ineligible, Anysha says they're only complaining 'because they didn't win.'" Wow. I'm not sure what I like best about this. It's a toss up between the dangerous, offensive idea of a "most perfect teen" and Anysha's most perfectly teen reaction of "they're just jealous." And as for Perfect Anysha's residency, I think the pageant should be less concerned about where she lives and more concerned about the ideas their contest promotes. Just saying.

Time to Get That Office Pool Going

"The Clark County Detention Center is not the Waldorf Astoria." - the judge in Paris Hilton's cocaine arrest case, warning the heiress at her hearing this morning. Judges have all the jokes, don't they? Nothing says comedy like a courtroom. Anyway, Paris pleaded guilty to drug possession and lying to an officer -- both misdemeanors -- in order to avoid jail time. Instead, she'll pay a $2000 fine, complete 200 hours of community service, and attend an outpatient substance abuse program. Oh, and she can't get in any trouble at all or else it's straight to jail for a full year. So, using the Lindsay Lohan Freedom-to-Incarceration Conversion Table, I give Paris 3 months, tops.

The Miley Cyrus School of Cheerleading

"Our backs ache, our skirts are too tight, we shake our booties from left to right!" - a cheer performed by the six year-old cheerleaders of the Wolverine Flag Cheerleading Team in Michigan. Adorable, right? Who doesn't love a booty-shaking kindergartener? I'll tell you who: Jennifer Tesch, mom to six year-old Kennedy, a former member of the tight-skirt squad. Jennifer objected to the lyrics of the cheer and told the coach, who, along with the other brainiacs at the league, responded to the complaint by kicking Kennedy off the squad. That makes sense. I mean, the last thing we need is a parent who pays attention to what her kid is being taught. If everyone starts caring about stuff like this, we might end up with an entire generation of girls who keep their clothes on in public. Then what?

Thanks to the always awesome jezebel.com for the heads-up on this story. 

From the Files of "No Duh," Edition 9.0

TMZ.com and People magazine report that Lindsay Lohan failed a court-ordered drug test last week. Of course she did. Lindsay responded by telling Us Weekly, "I'm fine. They're all nuts." Sure you are, pumpkin. You're fine, Kate Gosselin is a great parent, and Heidi Montag is a role model. Also, the sky is green. Of course.

UPDATE: Lilo has confirmed that she failed the drug test. 

Well, She Does Now

"She doesn't have a criminal history, we didn't have knowledge of any mental issues." - Vancouver, Washingtom Police commander Marla Schuman, speaking about Bethany Storro, who on August 30 claimed that a black woman had thrown acid in her face. Storro has since admitted that she made up the story and THAT SHE THREW THE ACID ON HERSELF. Yup. Storro has not revealed her motive, but she did say that she wanted to appear on Oprah to "inspire people and tell them about Jesus." Yeah, and also to inspire people and tell them black people are dangerous. Look, I'm sure she does have "mental issues" and I hope she gets help. But while I am white, I think I speak for everyone who is not a racist whack job when I tell Ms. Storro, in the most eloquent way I can, to suck it.

What She Said

It is impossible for me to explain this any better than Jen Chaney of The Washington Post has (I pilfered her photo, too), so I won't bother trying. Here you go:

"For those who were struggling to determine exactly how low reality television can sink, I have 'good' news. The answer...can be summed up in one word: 'Bridalplasty.' The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that E! is planning a new reality series called, yes, 'Bridalplasty,' in which blushing, nose-job-seeking brides-to-be compete in a series of wedding planning challenges. With each victory, they get to undergo the surgical procedure of their choice, all in an effort to look like the 'perfect' bride just in time for the big wedding day, when they will reveal their new appearance to all the honored guests at their splashy nuptials."

And...scene. 

By "Look Good," She Means "Completely Abandon My Responsibilities"

"I've worked really hard! Haven't I earned the right, at this point, to look good?" - Kate Gosselin, talking about her "new body" in People magazine. Kate has earned her new body after a free tummy tuck, alleged free breast augmentation, and relaxing in the tropics with her bodyguard. Oh, and I guess she's been running a lot, too. So, enjoy it, KGoss. Now maybe you can focus on earning those 8 kids.

Clinton Portis Really Understands Women

"And I mean, you put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebodygot to be appealing to her...she's gonna want somebody. I don't know what kind of woman won't, if you get to go and look at 53 men's packages." - Clinton Portis of the Washington Redskins, giving his opinion on the Inez Sainz sexual harassment scandal to the host of a WFAN radio show yesterday. As you might know, Inez, a reporter for TV Azteca, claims she was harassed by members of the New York Jets while she was in their locker room doing a story on the team's quarterback. Clinton here just can't understand what the woman is so upset about, seeing as how she musthave been swooning over the "53 men's packages." Jackass.

I Smell a Nobel Peace Prize

Having already said my piece here and here, I am going to present the enlightened, inspirational words of rapper 50 Cent without commentary or editing. This sort of brilliance speaks for itself, anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, Fiddy's latest Tweet: "Da next niga 2 korrect my spellin gone get killedYou boys no how we do in da south lol brrrr."

2010 Video Music Awards Wrap Up: Botox, Bare Feet, and Bad Lip Synching

Back in June I wrote a column about The 2010 MTV Movie Awards. Last night, I watched the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards with every intention of writing a new column. And I am going to – for the most part. But since MTV has basically given up on originality and, for that matter, entertainment, it seems unfair that I should expend too much energy on a summary of last night’s snorefest. Plus, you know, I am big into energy conservation. All to say, I am going to open this discussion of the VMAs by quoting myself. Which basically puts me at a Kanye West level of self-adulation, but I guess that’s perfectly appropriate. So let’s begin. As I said in June, “I was born before MTV. Yes, that means that I remember when phones needed cords and cameras needed film. But more importantly, I remember when MTV was awesome…Now, however, it is literally and figuratively a big pile of *&%$.”

And there it is. MTV sucks, and the Movie Awards suck, and the Video Music Awards suck. Sad but true. It’s fair to say that MTV jumped the shark somewhere around the time when “The Real World’s” viewership eclipsed that of “The Top 20 Video Countdown.” To wit, when I turned on MTV at noon on Sunday hoping the station would be showing vintage VMA episodes or even pre-pre-show prattle, I was greeted instead by…wait for it…an all day marathon of “Jersey Shore.” I’m not really sure why MTV even bothers with Video Music Awards, seeing as how they rarely show videos or play music. But because I said I would, I hereby present, in easy-to-follow, outline form, my official 2010 MTV Video Music Awards Wrap Up:

Chelsea Handler: Oh, Chelsea. The media pretty much killed poor CHan today. The New York Times called her “among the worst [hosts] in the show’s history.” The Washington Post said that her performance consisted merely of “a string of flat one-liners that fell a few degrees below crass.” I don’t know; I didn’t think she was that bad. Plus, I mean, “a few degrees below crass” is pretty much Chelsea’s shtick. Were they expecting Michelle Obama? For me, her jokes weren’t the problem – it was her face. Homegirl was sporting enough Botox to paralyze a herd of Justin Bieber fans. Her forehead was so shiny with botulism that even Stevie Wonder needed sunglasses. Get it? He’s blind! So it was really bright! Okay, I’ve done enough damage here. Let’s move on.

Lindsay Lohan, Rihanna, and Taylor Swift: These three young women represent the requisite “surprises” of the evening. First, Lilo mocked her own alcohol problems in a skit with Chelsea. This might have been funny, cool, and surprising if Lindsay weren’t broke; I mean, self-deprecation is an easy sell when you’ve snorted your fortune away. So, no big shock there. Shortly after, Rihanna opened the musical portion of the show -- performing with Eminem -- even though she announced last week that she’d have to skip the awards because of her film schedule. Ooooh! You really fooled us, RiRi! Shocking! Finally, Taylor Swift sang a sweet, barefoot, and off-key song about that whole Kanye West incident. I’ve already addressed this in a “WTF” post, so rather than rehash my TSwiz conspiracy theory, I’ll just say this: um, her... hair looked cute? No, really, Taylor seems very nice, we are all rooting for Lindsay, and Rihanna is cool. But as far as surprises go, these stunts were fake, desperate, and totally predictable. Like JWoww’s cleavage, one might say.

Justin Bieber: Kim Kardashian had the honor of introducing Justin Bieber in the latest installment of “Keeping Up With the Statutory Rape Jokes.” Then Justin B came out and didn't sing. And he didn't sing really, really poorly. I felt kind of bad for him. Clearly, lip synching skills don't come in until facial hair does; what’s a teen to do? Plus, he wasn’t alone in the fake singing category; Usher and Ciara also lip synched parts of their songs -- poorly. That's cool though; it’s not like it’s a show about singers. Jeez. And I don’t want to jump on the Bieber-bashing bandwagon, so I will say that I was impressed with his drumming. Who knew the Biebs had chops? Bless his little heart.

Linkin Park: The alt-rock band performed in a live broadcast from the beautiful Griffith Observatory. I rarely admit this, but I always liked Linkin Park. IN THE NINETIES. I mean, what the f-bomb were they doing there? Um, hey guys! Jerry Seinfeld called. He wants his decade back.

Last, But By All Means Not Least, the Meat Dress: In case you haven’t heard, Lady Gaga won all the awards. But none of her achievements generated more buzz than her decision to wear a dress and shoes made of uncooked slabs of beef. Literally. She wore beef. As a dress. Oh, and also as a hat. Now, look, I used to be a pretty big Lady Gaga fan. But I might never recover from that dress. I was hoping that she was making some sort of statement about wearing fur or leather – you know, like, if you’re going to wear leather, you might as well wear bloody cow flesh. But no. After the show, The Lady explained the dress’s symbolism to Ellen Degeneres. She said, “'If we don't stand up for what we believe in, if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones.” Um…okay. There really are no words to express my revulsion at this particular choice, so let me just say that it’s a damn good thing Victoria Beckham wasn’t there last night. Posh hasn’t had a meal since high school, and I don’t think she could have handled the temptation of all that meat. Imagine? I mean, those would have been some high steaks. Gaga really would have gotten the raw deal there. And I’d hate to see that, since, you know, I have no beef with Lady Gaga. BA-DUM-BUM.

I apologize for the puns. Really. There’s no excuse for those. It’s been a rough 24 hours. I had to concede that my darling MTV may never come back to me, that it has sailed out to sea like so many aging boy bands. What is left of the network is at best tepid and at worst pathetic, and I fear that not even Lady Gaga and her Mad Cow ensemble can save it. Until the network brings back the music and stops the stupid, we are doomed to a future of snores and Snookis. It doesn’t look good, people. I am compelled to paraphrase one of the original MTV VJs, Ms. Downtown Julie Brown: Wubba Wubba Wubba; MTV is in trubba trubba trubba.

There Are Almost No Words, Volume 2

"The girl was pretty much, uh, peed on by Ronnie. He peed in many different ways. And, uh, ya know, she just took it and smiled. Like when you're little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive." - Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, on the most recent episode of MTV's "Jersey Shore." Look, I don't know who "the girl" is, how many different ways one can pee, or what any of this has to do with Santa Claus. I do know that over 3 million people watched this show last week. I need to go lie down now.

Oh No She Di'int!

"Thirty-two and still growing up now; who you are is not what you did. You are still an innocent." - lyrics from Taylor Swift's "forgiveness ballad." In case you haven't heard the big news, Taylor Swift performed at last night's MTV Video Music Awards a song dedicated to Kanye West. Last year, Kanye hijacked Tay-Tay's acceptance speech, an egomaniacal move that rightly brought a storm of criticism, and Taylor took this year's show as a chance to officially and musically forgive him. Everyone seems to think this was really sweet. I'll tell you what I think: OH SNAP! I mean, come on. Taylor Swift, who is 20 years old and sings lyrics like "She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers!" told Kanye West that he is a child. Excellent.

P.S. Stay tuned for our "VMA Wrap Up" column, which I'll post later tonight. Meat dresses, puberty, and Chelsea, oh my! 

When Photoshop Just Isn't Enough

"It looks so glamorous but all of the clothes...were sample sizes. The cover dress was pretty but wouldn't go over my a**. Sample size is very, very tiny. I'm actually wearing a towel around my waist and the bottom is clipped up because I couldn't fit." - the decidedly tiny actress Carey Mulligan on her Vogue magazine cover shoot, to Express UK. So if you've ever wondered how on earth actresses fit into those Barbie-sized outfits, here's your answer. They don't. One has to love the idea of a fashion shoot in which the model isn't actually wearing the clothes. Very chic, Vogue. Very chic indeed.

50 Cent Continues His Twitter Campaign of Goodness and Light

"Perez Hilton called me a d**chebag, so I had my homie shoot up a gay wedding. wasn't his but still made me feel better." - 50 Cent on Twitter. Look, we all know Perez Hilton is a hypocritical fool interested only in self-promotion, but 50 Cent makes him look like Mother Teresa. "Shoot up a gay wedding"? Really? Well, at least Mr. Cent is helping to change the minds of all the people out there who think all rappers are violent criminals. Keep up the good work, Fiddy.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 5

"Kim was really upset that the new photos were released. She freaked out that they were out there, she didn't think they were going to be seen again." - a "source" (aka Kim's publicist) to Radaronline.com. The statement is in reference to Playboy's decision to release 25 outtakes from Kim Kardashian's 2007 photo shoot. The never-before-seen pics have been made available to Playboy Cyber Club members -- and Kimmie is freaking out, you guys! I mean, after making millions off a sex tape and posing for a nude shoot and turning her rear end to face every camera lens in town, the last thing a girl wants is for people to see her naked. Oh, the humanity!

Rehab Is the New Black

I was innocently perusing blogs yesterday, whistling and humming, flowery thoughts fluttering around my head like so many blithe bluebirds, when TMZ.com effed it all up. Well, to be fair, it wasn’t TMZ’s fault but rather the onus of one Mr. Steven Slater. In case you are unlike me and his name doesn’t send you into snarling seizures, I’ll remind you: Slater is the former Jet Blue flight attendant who became a folk hero last month after he quit his job by sliding down an airplane’s emergency chute with a beer in each hand. He was arrested for reckless endangerment before hiring an agent and fielding reality TV show offers. Well, on Tuesday, Slater appeared in court to face the charges and a possible seven year prison sentence. TMZ was the first to report that Slater’s attorney asked the D.A. to reduce the charges if Slater voluntarily checks into rehab. REHAB? Is there addiction treatment for shameless famewhores? Some sort of jackass 12-step program? I don’t know why I’m so surprised. Steven Slater is only the latest in a string of public figures to abuse rehab -- which is pretty twisted. Think about it. We now need rehab for rehab.

Steven Slater follows a long list of offenders, criminal and domestic, who have used quick stints in rehab to get out of trouble. Tiger Woods comes to mind, of course. He’s in the “I’m not a cheater; I’m an addict” club with Jesse James, David Duchovny, Eric Benet (Halle Berry’s ex), and Michael Douglas, to name a few. And then there’s Charlie Sheen, who recently went to the very posh Promises rehab resort -- instead of jail -- after assaulting his wife. Kate Moss did 30 days in rehab some years ago after being photographed doing cocaine and was back to snorting and drinking within days of checking out. It’s pretty convenient to spin one’s character flaws and mistakes into addictions. “I’m sorry, your honor, but I’m addicted to speeding.” “Honey, it’s not my fault. Sleeping with your friends is my drug. I need help!” See? Pretty easy, right? Unfortunately, it’s hard to believe that 30 days of group therapy can remedy Slater’s narcissism, James’s lack of self-control, and Sheen’s well-documented habit of abusing women. And what happened to the days when people didn’t want to go to rehab? Seems to me it’s all the rage now. And while it is my policy to blame Miley Cyrus for everything, I have to let her off the hook this time. I’ll tell you whom I do blame, though: Dr. Drew.

I love Dr. Drew. I do. So this hurts. I’ve loved him since the early days of “Loveline,” and I have been known to poke holes in myself and marinate in “Celebrity Rehab,” if only for the silver-haired, bespectacled, soft-talking doc. There is no denying that Drew has destigmatized addiction and rehab. And that’s great in a lot of ways. As someone who has been to rehab (no, not for drugs; if you want to know why, you can read about it here), of course I believe that one should never be ashamed to get help. But it’s gone off the rails. Lesser known celebrities are using “Celebrity Rehab” to be seen (I’m talking about you, Rachel Uchitel), and Drew’s tendency to celebrate the addict has made the title more of a badge than a diagnosis. And, again, that’s great – for REAL addicts who want help. But attending rehab after endangering a plane full of people to get oneself in the news is not an inspiring story of recovery. It’s a greedy, pathetic act born of a culture that thinks that the Kardashians deserve a TV show.

Interestingly, while Dr. Drew has fueled the fame-by-fake-addiction flames, he is also one of the few to explain properly the problem at the root of the fire. In his book The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is Seducing America, Pinsky calls today’s obsession with fame --  “supernarcissism” -- a public health crisis. Of course, the irony here is pretty rich, considering Drew himself seems to love the limelight, but that’s another column. The New York Times Magazine ran a cover story on Pinsky last year that detailed his new diagnosis. In the article, “Hitting Bottom,” Chris Norris writes, “This emerging strain of supernarcissism...turns especially virulent in the world of social media, where young people, who are chasing an increasingly accessible type of fame, begin to mirror the increasingly pathological behavior of their idols…This, Pinksy says, is the real sickness.”

Sick indeed. It’s almost hard to blame Steven Slater when you look at the big picture. Almost. He’s still a jerk. But the world around him promotes this new notoriety, this attention-at-all-costs behavior that favors fame over dignity. Watch almost any reality show, read almost any tabloid; the examples are too many to count. What’s most worrisome, though, is not that Steven Slater is going to get paid for a People cover story about his rehab stint, but that a very delicate, personal, and critical medical intervention is now the equivalent of an appearance on “The Real World.” How many fake rehab stays can the mental health care industry accommodate before the whole system becomes a farce? Real addiction is hard enough to fight. What are we going to do when we have a nation of people addicted to addiction? Well, I know what I’m going to do. I’m calling Dr. Drew.

Yeah, This One Is Definitely for the Ladies

"Giving myself a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft." - Heidi Montag on Twitter yesterday. Okay, so we can add this to the list of her embarrassingly pathetic cries for attention. I assume HeidiHo here thinks that the mental picture of her feeling herself up is, uh, titillating. And if by "titillating" she means "revolting," then she's correct. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to blind my mind's eye.

Okay, This Isn't Even Funny

Taylor Momsen is the lovely little wood nymph pictured here. You may recognize her from her role on "Gossip Girl," or perhaps you are familiar with her embarrassing I'm-such-a-rockstar antics as lead singer of the band The Pretty Reckless -- you know, dressing like a prostitute, cursing as much as possible, smoking a lot of cigarettes (she's 17), etc. etc. Well, young Taylor also likes to light stuff on fire, according to her bandmates. I know: snore. But wait, her pyromania is special! Says her bandmate Ben Phillips, "I shouldn't say this. One morning, Taylor got into the studio really early -- she'd just had her dog neutered and brought in the bits. Which she then burned. We were grossed out." Okay, look. Either Ben is lying or Taylor is on her way to becoming a serial killer. Either way, enough already. We get it, TMo. You're hard core. Now wash your face, put some pants on, and get your sh*t together. Good day.

But Wait! I'm Pretty! And He Plays Baseball!

This just in from Gawker.com: Minka Kelly, the former Friday Night Lights star who is engaged to Yankee player Derek Jeter, is currently in the air, en route from JFK to LAX. Evidently, the Minkster freaked out because she was not allowed to hold her dog on her lap during take off. She went so far as to...wait for it...wait for it...call Derek Jeter and ask him to talk to the flight crew. Another passenger on the flight tipped off Gawker. He wrote, "on Delta flight 2863...Minka Kelly caused such a f**king scene about her dog not being able to be on seat w/her that the pilot had to come out before we even left the gate. She called boyfriend Derek Jeter [for] him to try to rationalize with the seven flight attendants it took to calm her down. crying. tears. etc." Wow. I don't know about you, but I am horrified. I mean, what kind of world are we living in if a hot chick and a Yankee player can't get FAA regulations reversed? I mean, it's not like he plays for the Red Sox. Jeez.

I Think This Deserves a Standing Ovation

"Johnston is now the 'most unpopular person PPP has polled in any state.'" - from aNew York Daily News report on a recent poll about Levi Johnston. The agency Public Policy Polling surveyed the residents of Alaska to measure their feelings about the Wasilla Mayoral Candidate, Playgirl model, Bristol Palin babydaddy, potential babydaddy of a second child, and soon-to-be reality TV star. Turns out Levi garnered a 72% unfavorable rating with only 6% of Alaskans admitting to seeing the young man "in a positive light." This means that LJo has a lower popularity rating than John Edwards, the man who ran for President while he was cheating on his wife who was dying of cancer --  and then lied about it. Well done, Levi. I mean, after all of his hard work shunning birth control, desperately clutching at any opportunity for fame, and making a joke out of our democratic process, he really deserves it. Bravo!

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth

"Michaele Salahi...is taking it all off for Playboy Magazine...and not just artsy "top-half" naked -- we're talking full-frontal, birthday suit naked." - a horrifying report fromTMZ.com. In case you have saved yourself from the circle of Hell that is Michaele Salahi's media presence, allow me to bring you up (or down) to speed: Michaele's other desperate attempts at fame included crashing a White House dinner party, joining the cast of "The Real Housewives of D.C.," pretending to be a Redskins cheerleader, promoting eating disorders, starting fake fights with Whoopi Goldberg, and running up debts that she refuses to pay, to name just a few. Now she's posing naked. Of course she is. Stay classy, MSal.

Holy Low Standards, Batman!

"Why Squeaky Clean Girls Like Kim Kardashian Are in [sic], and Troubled Bad Girls Like Paris and Lindsay Are Out" - the title of an article written by Bonnie Fuller, Editor-in-Chief of HollywoodLife.com and a contributor to The Huffington Post. Um, when exactly did we become a society in which women who make money from sex tapes and posing naked are considered "squeaky clean?" I mean, I'm sure KKar is thrilled that she is not lumped in with perennial party problems Paris and Lilo, but squeaky clean? If that's what people think, well... I'm scared. Really scared. Somebody hold me (not you, Kim). 

Of Course You Don't

"I don't know what you're talking about." - Lindsay Lohan to RadarOnline.com, when the gossip site asked her to comment on an incident Wednesday in which she hit a woman and child with her car. Fortunately for Linds, RadarOnline has obtained a video of the woman and child, who were upset but not injured, walking away from the site of the accident. Maybe that will help her remember. Eyewitnesses say that Lindsay pulled up to a red light in West Hollywood at about 5 pm on Wednesday, failed to look both ways, and clipped the stroller, which was carrying a young girl. According to one witnesses, after hitting the stroller, Lindsay "pulled to the right, stopped for two seconds, and then just kept going." Hooray for rehab!

Photo courtesy of RadarOnline.com 

The Rachel Zoe-No Project

So, last week’s column certainly sparked some debate. That’s good. We like debate. But I think it might be nice to have a lighter topic this week.  And when I think light, I think Rachel Zoe. I mean, homegirl has to be 80 pounds soaking wet, right? I’m not going to waste time talking about her weight, though. Rather, I’d like to discuss another part of her life as a celebrity stylist that seems equally hungry for substance, her TV show.

Before I walk you through the vapid wasteland that is an episode of "The Rachel Zoe Project," I should explain why I watched the show in the first place. At the risk of surrendering my very substantial street cred (go with it), I’ll admit that I've always found Rachel Zoe interesting in a shallow sort of way. She loves fashion; I love fashion. Her initials are RZ; my initials are RZ. She eats air for lunch, I eat -- oh, wait. I eat food. Darn. Okay, I said I wasn’t going to talk about her weight, so I'll stop now. Sorry. The point is, I watched “The Rachel Zoe Project” because -- while I loathe many things about the fashion industry -- I like all the pretty clothes. I thought Rachel's would be the perfect “guilty pleasure” show – pointless but fun. Well, after muscling through seasons one and two and attempting season three, I can report 50% success. It’s pointless.

Every episode of TRZP follows the same formula. Rachel freaks out because the dress/shoes/bag/jewelry that she wanted for Demi/Cameron/Eva/Kate has been lost/ripped/sent to another actress, and then she scrambles to find a replacement by kissing both cheeks of Oscar de la Renta/Michael Kors/Donatella Versace. Her husband, Rodger, complains that she works too hard while Rachel drinks a seemingly bottomless Starbucks cup of what must be diet water (oops, sorry, it slipped). Also, Rachel says  “I die,” ”Shut it down,” or ”Ba-nanas!” every ninety seconds. That’s pretty much how it’s gone for three seasons. But even within this stifling formula, the latest episode of the show manages to go from vapid to offensive.

This week's episode begins with Rachel and her assistant, Brad, heading to Milan’s Fashion Week to “harvest” dresses for the Oscars. “Harvest.” That’s what Brad calls it. I love that Team Zoe refers to shopping with a word usually reserved for organ transplants and crop gathering. Perfect. So, Raych and Brad are packing for Milan where they will harvest dresses when the plot takes a gripping turn. Rachel decides to go to London with Kate Hudson before she goes to Milan with Brad. OMG! You guys! She changed her plans! Rachel and Rodger talk about this decision as if it has rocked them to their very cores. They are still talking about it when they arrive at the hotel in London, where Rachel curls up on the bed and watches Rodger eat waffles. Then Kate Hudson arrives, looking high as a kite, and Rachel spends the next 15 minutes embarrassing herself. She is so far up Kate’s you-know-what that one has to look away. Kate, on the other hand, is either so detached or so medicated that she rarely makes eye contact. The two attend a Burberry fashion show, after which Rachel delivers a moving and emotional account of her experience. She says, “That was one of those surreal moments. When you’re sitting there watching those beautiful clothes come down the runway on these girls and then all of a sudden Stevie Nicks starts singing. And I was like, Is this really happening? It was kind of major.” Wow! Models wore clothes at a fashion show and there was music! Major indeed! Speaking of which, according to Rachel, the following things are also “major”: her friendship with Kate, a leopard print coat, and Julianne Moore. “Kind of major,” “major,” and “beyond major,” to be exact. Now, be careful not to confuse things that are "major" with those that are “everything.” Rachel’s relationships with designers and the movie “Almost Famous” are “everything.” Which by definition means that they are also “major.” Got it? Keep up, people.

While Zoe’s vocabulary and perspective are contrived and annoying, it’s her ignorance that pushes the show over the edge. She explains her affection for men in turtlenecks by telling Kate, “I’m just a big old fag hag at the end of the day.” Fag hag? Really? If Pauly D from “Jersey Shore” called her that, GLAAD would crucify him. But reinforcing stereotypes is so fashionable, you guys! Evidently, so is insensitive narcissism, as evinced when Rachel demands Kate’s and Rodger’s attention to announce with all the drama she can muster, “You guys! I flew to London on a whim!” Kate tilts her head and coos, “You did. You flew to London on a whim.” Then the two women embrace. Beautiful. Rachel is an inspiration. She’s a hero to people everywhere who don’t have the courage to take a super fun and luxurious romp to London in the middle of the workweek. Where does she get the strength? The show was so absurd that, pretty clothes and all, I couldn't make it to the end.

Most people would agree that the last thing we need is another TV show promoting stereotypes and excess, and sadly Rachel Zoe has little to offer the public beyond fashion advice. But now that I’ve ripped into her, I have to cut RZ some slack. For all the moments when I wanted to scream at her, there was one moment in the show when I genuinely felt for her. Kate is trying to convince Rachel to take a tropical vacation when Rodger interjects, “If you can make her wear a bikini, I’m all for it.” A conversation ensues during which Rachel admits that she never wears a swimsuit. My first thought was, well, I don’t think Calvin Klein even makes swimsuits in toddler sizes. But then I watched the show again while I was writing this column, and I felt bad. I mean, of course the poor woman can’t wear a swimsuit in public. She’d be vilified for her body. I'd do it. You know I’d have her bony butt in a “WTF” post the very day the photos hit the internet, along with some snarky comment about how she needs a sandwich. I did it in this column. And it's not as if she parades around half naked promoting juice fasts; she isn’t exactly asking for it. You also know that I’d never get away with (nor would I ever think of) making fat jokes. So I'm an insensitive hypocrite, because just a few hours ago I was committed to the skinny jokes, and of course I have gone there many, many times in the past. I hate it when I’m calling someone out for being a jackass only to realize that I am being a jackass. So annoying. Still, all of my jackassery aside, I stand behind the assertion that "The Rachel Zoe Project" is insulting and desperate. But I must state for the record that, however indirectly, I learned something from watching the show. Sad but true. Damn. That’s major.

From the Files of "No Duh!" Edition 8.0

RadarOnline.com reports in an "exclusive" story that back in July Paris Hilton Tweeted a photograph of the exact purse she was carrying when she was arrested last Friday.  The website states that "it could be a stunning blow to Paris' [sic] claim that the purse in which cops found cocaine did not belong to her and that she borrowed it from a girlfriend." Breaking news! The millionaire socialite carries her own purses and her own cocaine! Paris was lying! Come on now, RadarOnline. Exclusive? What shocker will you drop on us next? Lindsay Lohan is a hot mess? The cast of "Jersey Shore" does not have a combined 4.0 GPA? Please.

Photo courtesy of RadarOnline.com 

One More Reason to Hate Twitter

"I'm on a plane this ugly a$$ stewardess in my face. She keep asking me if I want sh*t. I keep telling her no. I'm going to eminem['s] crib lol." - rapper 50 Cent on Twitter yesterday. Well, to be accurate, it was 50 Cent on "TwitLonger," a Twitter enhancement that allows members to Tweet longer messages. Thank goodness they came out with that, because we definitely need more words from 50 Cent. What a charmer. It's good to see that money hasn't changed him; he's still the same rude, ungrateful jackass he was before he hit it big. Congrats, Fitty. You're living the dream.