Taking A Week Off

Just until next Tuesday. Sorry. I know my millions of readers will be lost and drowning in despair, but duty calls. (And, no, I'm not on a bender. Thanks a lot.)

If you haven't heard about Lindsay's latest arrest by now, well, you probably wouldn't read this blog o'drivel, so never mind.

Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Volume Number WillThisShitEverStop

From the stupid fuckers at TMZ, about Jessica Simpson's super secret Weight Watchers diet plan: "For a while, it didn't look as if she'd lose any weight at all -- at least based on her terrible Weight Watchers commercial -- so we gotta say...we're impressed."

Oh my god, Jess! TMZ is impressed with your weight loss! Good work, punkin; you really had them worried with that whole inexcusable, post-pregnancy, not-skinny-enough-yet thing. Thankfully for all of us, TMZ is vigilant about policing women's bodies, no matter what it takes. Remember last year when they reported Christina Aguilera's height and weight as stated in a police report? This is important investigative journalism, people. I mean, at a time when women's bodies are under government attack, it's comforting to know that an online gossip agency is policing our shapes and sizes. This kind of critical work should be rewarded -- with a kick to the pathetic, shriveled balls of whoever is in charge of this bullshit. I'm talking to you, Harvey Levin.

Now That's Just Funny

I was going to post a second update to the original story about the Aubry/Martinez row, but this deserves its own space. Lots of new details have been trickling out about this little sissy fight, but the best tidbit imaginable comes from TMZ, where it's reported that witnesses can't say what Gabriel, Halle Berry's ex, and Olivier, Berry's current, said to each other as they argued because, wait for it...wait for it..."they were trash talking each other in French." Sacre bleu! That must have been some intense and macho argument. No word on whose beret sustained the most damage.

The good news is that Berry allegedly got her and Aubry's 4 year-old daughter, Nahla, out of sight before the punches started. The bad news is that as a result of starting the fight, Aubry has now been ordered by the court to stay away from Berry, Martinez, and Nahla. So the kid can't see her dad because he had to metaphorically whip out his dick at Thansgiving. Good call, dude. Really.

Photo courtesy of TMZ.com

Least Articulate Commentary Ever (Up-hiccup-dated)

On my part, that is. It's Thanksgiving, I'm tipsy -- so whatever.

But this story? Duuuuuude. The FUCK? Read it. Really. Even though it's from my arch nemesis Us Weekly, I want you to read it. I'll try to come up with something remotely amusing later, but for now, I just want to say that Halle Berry...just...I don't know. Dra-mah!

I probably don't want to be light about this at all -- let's remember there is a 4 year-old child in the middle of this fucking nonsense. Happy Thanksgiving, little girl. Sorry the men in your life are a couple of pathetic, pussywhipped losers.

Crazy kids. Christ.

UPDATE: Aubry was arrested, Martinez is out of the hospital, all the adults involved are negligent narcissists, etc., etc. You can get ongoing updates over at TMZ

Let Me Get To The Bottom Of This

THEY'RE CHILDREN! That's the real story.

Seriously. I've been ignoring this Bieber/Gomez newsfest because, I mean, jeezus, people -- he's 18 years old, she is 20, and, just, ew. I'm not even sure the Biebz balls have dropped. So just stop already.

Plus, I heard he totally ignored her in homeroom, you guys. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!

[Radar Online]

Wherein An Artery Explodes In My Brain, Fox News Edition

Nothing says holiday spirit like laughing at people who don't have enough money for food, amirite? Not to mention, jokes about impoverished families are flat-out fucking hilarious. I mean, I'm slapping my knee just THINKING about people who will suffer through the holidays. Evidently, so is Andrea Tantaros, co-host of The Five on Fox News. Discussing Newark Mayor Cory Booker's pledge to live on food stamps for a week, ATant busted herself up remarking how slender she'd be if forced to live in poverty. Her exact words: "I should try it because, do you know how fabulous I'd look? I mean, the camera adds ten pounds. It really does. I would be looking great." Oh my fucking GODS, Tanty, I hope the camera adds an unspeakable amount of ignorant, egregious stupidity, too, because if this shit is natural, you're fucked. And for the record, your particular brand of ugly -- the inside kind -- doesn't look fabulous ever.

If you want to watch this asshole in action, here's the clip (Andrea's hilarity ensues around 1:38):




Stay classy, Fox News.

[Jezebel]

Giving Thanks

I was going to write some treacly post about being thankful for my health and relative freedom or some shit, and then it came to my attention that Li'l Jon and Paris Hilton have recorded a song together. That's enough, right? I mean, I can get TWO Thanksgivings' worth of gratitude out of that alone. But it gets better! The song is called...wait for it...wait for it..."I Wanna Bang You." Yeah. It's a metaphor, I think. They lyrics are equally esoteric, naturally. Raps the Littlest Jon: "Last night was awesome/super fucking awesome/It was me, myself, and I, and her/We had ourselves a foursome."

"Super fucking awesome" really says it all.

So, Happy Thanksgiving. Posting will continue throughout the holiday week, but it will be sporadic (read: when I'm drunk). If you haven't already, maybe you'll consider making it a no-kill holiday? Maybe? Oh, and Real Housewives don't count; slaughter away on those tricks for sure.

Oh, You Really Need To Shut The Fuck Up

"I think every woman does want to be objectified. There's a little part of you at all times that hopes to be somewhat objectified, and I think it's healthy." - Cameron Diaz, via Channel 24.

Great message, Cammie. All of the women struggling and fighting not to be objectified thank you from the bottom of their hearts for your sage words. Look, first of all, speak for your pathetic self. Second of all, I'm not taking "healthy" lifestyle advice from some fool who dated ARod twice, okay?

Oh, and one more thing:

[Jezebel]

Least Shocking Headline Of The Week

Um, duh. Come on now, Nicky. Childless bachelors change diapers more than Mariah Carey. Christ. What are you, new? (In his defense, indentured servitude tends to fuck with one's mind. Plus, he's still recovering from that torturuous episiotomy. Stay strong, N-Dog.)

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number OuchMyEyes

In case you woke up today feeling shitty about your life, consider that some poor slob had to spend the day with Heidi Montag's bionic ass pointed in his/her/their face. Feel better? Good.

[TMZ]

Because The Modeling Industry Isn't Horrible Enough

Wilhelmina Models has signed Chris Fucking Brown. You heard me. According to Women's Wear Daily, "Wilhelmina International has signed Chris Brown to its artist management division, where the agency will seek fashion and beauty endorsements and licenses for the controversial singer." I see. If, like me, you are wondering what the hell these asshats at Wilhelmina were thinking, the Director of Wilhelmina Men, Taylor Hendrich, breaks it down: "Chris Brown in a multifaceted artist...and we are excited to translate and extend his brand." Mmm-hmm. "Multifaceted" is definitely the first word that comes to mind when I think of Chris Brown. Not everyone can be a whiny bitch, a violent woman beater, a rageaholic, and a great dancer! He's a quadruple threat! Literally! No, seriously, Breezy has lots of very diverse interests. For example, in addition to assaulting women, he likes to massacre the English language. About his new modeling gig, Chrissy said, "Art and style has always been a part of my life..." Oh, has they? Well then. I take it all back. This sounds like a great idea.

[Jezebel]

Coke Dealers Everywhere Rejoice

You have a new lifetime customer!

Evidently there is a TV show called Trisha Goddard (the fuck?), and on yesterday's episode, a DNA paternity test confirmed that Michael Lohan fathered a child out of wedlock back when he was still married to Dina. The girl is 17 year-old Ashley Horn; she and her mother appeared on the show after mom tried unsuccessfully for years to get MLo to pay child support. I know; you're shocked. The idea of Mikey as both a philanderer and a deadbeat dad is just too much to take, right? Holy cognitive dissonance, batman.

The big reveal was, of course, caught on video, and the clip is almost as cringe-inducing as the thought of Michael Lohan having sex (you're welcome). In it, Ashley won't let Michael hug her, confirming that she is, in fact, a sentient human being. Don't worry, Ash; two nights with your big sis Lindsay will fix that. Get yer Lohan on, girl! Cheers!

[TMZ]

No, Really

Donald Trump has been tweeting about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's relationship. Yup. Quoth he of the ladykilling orange skin-combover combo, "After Friday's Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen -- she will cheat on him again!" Here's what surprises me most about this: not that Donny has an opinion about two actors' fake relationship and fake infidelity; not that the thrice-married misogynist is doling out romantic advice with what I assume is a straight face; but that he has taken time out of "fighting like hell" against the "disgusting injustice" that was Obama's reelection to share his wisdom with the Twitterverse. Relax, America -- Donald has you covered. Political problems? He's on it! Love life problems? He's on it! Polluting the world with an existence that embodies almost everything that is wrong with our society? ON IT.

[HollywoodLife]

Oh, This Bitch Has Got To Go

As you may already know, I stopped watching The Real Housewives quite a while ago. There's only so much supporting evil I can do. Like so many of us, though, I am fortunate enough to be privy to their asshatery via all the online trash I read. So while I am not familiar with Yolanda H. Foster, I am not at all surprised to hear that the RH franchise is proudly promoting another child abuser. On last night's episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Yolanda told her 17 year-old aspiring model daughter, "You can have one night of being bad. And then you have to get back on your diet. In Paris they like the girls a tad on the skinny side." That's right, girls. Eating when you are hungry equals being bad. VERY VERY BAD. Incidentally, Yolanda, you should know that in hell they like their bitches a tad on the destructive and vile side. So turn off your radar detector, honey: you're in the fast lane to eternal damnation.

[Us]

Eating Disorders Are Such A Mystery

So the top stories at Us Weekly are: a woman's body got smaller, a woman's body got bigger, and a woman's body got smaller. FASCINATING! These are extraordinary biological feats, indeed. I mean, we're so lucky that Us and its readers are keeping tabs on these things. In some parts of the world, women get much less attention for starving/not starving themselves. Which is a total blessing with all the devastating hunger in the world -- I mean, I for one am so relieved I don't have to compete with any of those skinny, impoverished, malnourished people. Cheaters!

Wherein I Just Can't

From The Daily Mail, here we have 26 year-old Mary Kate Olsen and her boyfriend, 42 year-old Olivier Sarkozy, and, what? They look totally normal together.

See? Nothing gross about them. And they don't look at all like they're high as balls.

Nope.

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number RacismIsSoSensual

Here we have model Karlie Kloss at last night's Victoria's Secret fashion show in a totally appropriate little get-up. Riddle me this, panty people: if Native Americans are so sexy and ripe for objectification, why the whole genocide thing? Just wondering. You can get back to me on that, you ignorant fucking idiots.

Do You Hear That?

Listen closely...do you hear it? That annoying buzzing sound? That, my friends, is the buzzing most commonly associated with the rare and (hopefully) endangered animal Asshatis Megalomaniacus, known commonly as Donald Trump. Last night the trichochallenged Donny tweeted his reaction to the election results. Quoth the Donald, "We can't let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided! Let's fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us!" Correction, Donald: They're laughing at you. I'm not sure how a democratic election equals a "disgusting injustice," and I'm pretty sure that greedy, 1%er, misogynistic, bigoted assholes like Trump have more to do with dividing the country than Obama or even Romney, but whatevs. I mean, come on; I'll get a tattoo of Romney's face on my ass if Donald Trump ever marches on Washington or "fights like hell" for anything other than his own swiftly disappearing relevance. Keep talking, Donny. You clown.

[HuffPost]

Priorities, Us Weekly Style

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Look at the headlines! Talentless famewhore and former Bachelorette Emily Maynard is dating a racecar driver! This is super important. Somewhat less important, according to Pus Weekly, are the stars' reactions to last night's election, and even less important is Barack Obama's win. Got it? It goes:
1. Talentless famewhore
2. Overpaid narcissists' verbal masturbation
3. Barack Obama and the future of the country

Please adjust your worldview accordingly.

Focus, People. Focus.

In general, I stay away from Presidential posts, but there's that whole ELECTION thing tomorrow, so I'm going to suspend posting until Tuesday night. It's not out of respect -- I mean, come on; have we met? It's because there are a bunch of propositions to vote on here in San Francisco that I know nothing about. So, rather than haphazardly pulling levers, Imma do some reading. Regular posting will resume on Tuesday night, unless Romney wins, in which case I'll be en route to New Zealand.

GET EDUCATED AND GET YER VOTE ON!!!!!!

Modeling Sounds Awesome

Kate Moss is on the cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair, and in the story she talks about what it was like to be a teenager in the modeling industry: "I had a nervous breakdown when I was 17 or 18, when I had to go and work with Marky Mark and Herb Ritts...It didn’t feel like me at all. I felt really bad about straddling this buff guy. I didn’t like it. I couldn’t get out of bed for two weeks. I thought I was going to die. I went to the doctor, and he said, ‘I’ll give you some Valium’...Nobody takes care of you mentally. There’s a massive pressure to do what you have to do...I didn’t like it. But it was work, and I had to do it...I see a 16-year-old now, and to ask her to take her clothes off would feel really weird. But they were like, If you don’t do it, then we’re not going to book you again. So I’d lock myself in the toilet and cry and then come out and do it. I never felt very comfortable about it...That picture of me running down the beach—I’ll never forget doing that, because I made the hairdresser, who was the only man on the shoot, turn his back.” 

So let me get this straight: It's largely illegal for two people of the same gender to marry. For the most part, it's illegal to possess marijuana. We in this society love to express our outrage over sex trafficking in other countries. But it's perfectly normal to coerce a 16 year-old into taking her clothes off, being photographed topless, and then allowing the world to ogle her callow, naked body? Makes sense. Keep up the good work, adults! Special thanks go to Kate's parents and modeling industry professionals, of course, but let's all take a look at the advertisements we support. If we buy products peddled on images of sexualized children, we are part of this, too. And, yes, that includes me. I have a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch sweatpants, which is the capitalistic equivalent of donating money to NAMBLA. But, you know...my ass looks so cute in them, you guys!