Coke Dealers Everywhere Rejoice

You have a new lifetime customer!

Evidently there is a TV show called Trisha Goddard (the fuck?), and on yesterday's episode, a DNA paternity test confirmed that Michael Lohan fathered a child out of wedlock back when he was still married to Dina. The girl is 17 year-old Ashley Horn; she and her mother appeared on the show after mom tried unsuccessfully for years to get MLo to pay child support. I know; you're shocked. The idea of Mikey as both a philanderer and a deadbeat dad is just too much to take, right? Holy cognitive dissonance, batman.

The big reveal was, of course, caught on video, and the clip is almost as cringe-inducing as the thought of Michael Lohan having sex (you're welcome). In it, Ashley won't let Michael hug her, confirming that she is, in fact, a sentient human being. Don't worry, Ash; two nights with your big sis Lindsay will fix that. Get yer Lohan on, girl! Cheers!

[TMZ]

Quick And Dirty

TMZ throws the best interventions: Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work on her latest movie, "The Canyons." Today, Michael Lohan decided to bring a bunch of people -- including some reporters from TMZ -- to Lindsay's house in an attempt to stage an intervention. Which makes sense. I mean, if jail and 4 stints in rehab haven't worked for Lilo, her famewhore felon father and a sleazy gossip site ought to do the trick. Unfortunately, Michael's totally selfless and well thought out plan was thwarted when LL called the cops and reported Michael for trespassing. You know, it's so sad: some people just don't know how to accept love. [TMZ]

Tortellini is expensive, people: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married today in Italy (yawn). The couple gave the following "exclusive" statement to People Magazine: "It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful, and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends."Yeah, that's one exclusive and moving statement. Oh, and E! seems to think the wedding cost $6.5 million, making it the most expensive countdown to infidelity in recent history. Congratulations, kids; you're doomed. Cheers!  [People]

THIS guy: Rihanna's father, Ronald Fenty, tells Life and Style that he hopes his daughter marries Chris Brown because "Everyone adores Chris; he's a super guy." Yeah, he sure is. It might be important to point out here that Rihanna's father was a drug addict who physically abused her mother. Super! So, let me break this down for you: the man who beat Rihanna's mom loves the man who beat Rihanna. Awww, you guys! It's the circle of liiiiiiiiiife. [Life and Style]

Emilio Esteves Is The Michael Lohan Of Brothers

One doesn't have to be a genius to hypothesize that Charlie Sheen's family all have a little of the crazy, too. Right? I mean, come on. Well, enter Mr. Emilio Esteves to provide valuable supporting data. Here's what Brother Esteves told The Sun about Charlie:

"There's that thing in The Godfather: Part II of 'I love you, Fredo, you're my brother, but don't ever take sides with anyone against the family', then Michael Corleone has to have Fredo 'taken out' on the boat. There are times, like these, when I want to take Charlie out for a boat ride. Charlie should know that he might have a boat ride in the future. Someone's got to be Michael Corleone."

Okay, first of all, Emilio, I know Michael Corleone. I've spent many afternoons with Michael Corleone, and you, my friend, are no Michael Corleone. With that said, what the hell, Double E? Why so violent and dramatic? In fact, it seems Easy EE was just playing. Later, he said that all he can do is "pray for [Charlie] and hope he has that moment of clarity." And it's clear Emilio isn't too hung up on Charlie's unraveling, because he quickly turned the magnifying glass (read: spotlight) on himself. Said an ostensibly thoughtful Emilio:

"All I can do for Charlie... is to try to be an example. But, really, I was a pretty poor one. I was a bad boy. I was drinking and I lost my virginity there (on the set of father Martin Sheen's Apocalypse Now) - I was 14. At one point, the prop guy told my mother, 'You've got to get your children out of here.'"

LOL! That's a great story, Emilio. It's important in times like these that we all maintain our sense of humor and remember the profundity of your adolescent virility. Seriously. With a brother like you, who needs drugs and hookers?

Dante's Fourth Circle Of Famewhore Hell

As you might recall, Lindsay Lohan is currently embroiled in a fight to stay out of jail in the face of a grand felony theft charge as well as several probation violations. While she struggles to maintain her sobriety and stay afloat, her parents are busy securing their next meal tickets. Momma Lohan is busy promoting Lindsay's brother's new film, and Poppa Lohan has been working some crazy famewhore overtime. Having ended his bromance with Jon Gosselin and consequent engagement to Gosselin's ex, Kate Major, Michael is now busy filming the upcoming season of "Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew." And when he isn't faking an addiction or blathering bullshit about Lindsay to the press, he's keeping himself busy with the ladies. In the photo above, we see PoppaLo swapping spit with Kim Granatell from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." That's right. Michael Lohan and a Real Housewife. Look, all I'm going to say is this: If I were Lindsay, I'd be chugging Kombucha, too. Oh, and one last thing: nice coat, Kimmie. Jackass.

Photo (with doodle) via PerezHilton.com

Trainwreck 2011 [UPDATED]

Oy vey, Lohans.

The facts: today is Lindsay's last day to cop a plea bargain in the grand felony theft case against her. She has been informed several times that since a plea bargain is an admission of guilt, she will do jail time. Lindsay has thus far refused to take a deal; if she doesn't, her case will be heard before a new, allegedly tougher judge Stephanie Sautner.

One can imagine, whether on Lilo's side or not, what an intense day this is for the girl. Right?

Add to the scene Lindsay's asshat of a father, Michael Lohan, who is currently filming "Celebrity Rehab" and plans to bring the cameras to Lindsay's day in court -- depsite Lindsay's objections, of course. Just step back for a minute and consider the scene:

A former child star, who was fed to the Hollywood wolves by two of the most narcissistic and famewhoring parents ever, is built up and torn down by the media while resorting to drugs in the absence of any real support system and finds herself facing jail time as she battles to stay sober. While her mom focuses on her next meal ticket -- Lindsay's brother's movie career -- her father signs on to a fake rehab reality show citing anger management issues and then decides to film Lindsay's demise from the lens of his own self-absorbed delusional psychosis.

All to say: TEAM LINDSAY. Work it out, girl. I don't know how you do it, but work it out. I feel you, sister. *fist pump*

UPDATE: Lilo said Hell No to a plea and will be tried for grand felony theft. Her preliminary trial will happen on April 22.

UPDATE #2: Despite getting the okay from Dr. Drew (WTF, dude?), Poppa Lohan did NOT show up at court at all -- no Celebrity Rehab cameras, no Michael. No word on whether MLo made the decision himself or if Lindsay's lawyers were able to block the cameras. Let's hope it's the latter. Even though it's the former.

How Much Fame Could A Famewhore Whore If A Famewhore Could Whore Fame, Volume 7

Say it isn't so, Dr. Drew. Please?

I have held on to "Celebrity Rehab" like Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore, always wanting to believe that it's more than just a famewhore factory. Alas, now I have to rethink my DVR queue. Multiple reports confirm that Michael Lohan and White House party crashers/"Real Housewives Of DC" cast members Michaele and Tareq Salahi will appear on the upcoming season of Drew's televised fake rehab. Um, Michael Lohan is supposedly sober, and I'm not sure what Michaele Salahi is addicted to besides lying, but whatever. Obviously the only thing getting clean in this show is the pool.

For more on my love/hate relationship with Dr. Pinsky, read "Rehab Is The New Black."

Quick and Dirty

It could be worse. I guess: And by "worse," I mean "Heidi Montag." Today's the day! Kim Kardashian's first single, Jam (Turn It Up), dropped, as they say. It's...you know...Kim Kardashian singing. I'll say this much: It's good to see Kimmie working. You can listen to the song at the link. F-Bomb Café assumes no responsibility for sad eardrums or bruised souls. Enjoy! [PerezHilton]

This is cool. No, really: Holly Madison poses in the upcoming issue of "Life&Style" in a bikini and without retouching (gasp!). Says Holly, "I've always had a butt, and I want to keep it - cellulite and all. I'm not perfect, but I love my curves." Well! How about that? Healthy, normal, and formerly intimate with Hugh Hefner. How often do those 3 go together?! Well done, HMad! [HuffPost]

Until genetics are reversible, this will have to do: Michael Lohan, Jr., brother to Lindsay and son of Michael and Dina, has decided to change his name so as to distance himself from his trainwreck father. For a minute, I thought I smelled some sanity over at camp LiLo and got excited. Alas, the new and improved Michael Cameron plans to introduce his new moniker with the upcoming movie in which he stars -- a movie produced my his batshit mother, Dina. Oh well. Baby, steps, MCam. Baby steps. [TMZ]

Reproductive health: check. Marriage equality: check. The planet: check: Republicans are flying through their to-do list of destruction. After launching full-out assaults on individual rights, the GOP has turned its attention to mother nature. House Republicans have gotten rid of the biodegradable food containers and utensils that Nancy Pelosi brought to the White House and have instead returned to using plastic and styrofoam. That's cool. No use protecting the earth while everything else is going to shit, right? Grrrrr. [Jezebel]

Sure You Didn't, Pumpkin

"I really didn't want to do this." - Michael Lohan, outside the courtroom this morning after Lindsay's hearing. Poppa Lohan wants us to know that he had NO intention of speaking, but he just had to. Among MLo's stunning revelations? That Lindsay would be fine if her mom would just cooperate with him. Quoth he of the mesh shirt, [Lindsay could have that [happiness]...if Dina would just come on board with me." Yeah. Because erasing two decades of damage is as easy as getting two pathetic and abusive famewhores on the same side of the fence. That should do it. Snark aside, it probably would help Linds if her parents could act as a united, positive support system. You know what else would help, Mikey? SHUT THE FUCK UP. Just saying.

Hello, Kettle? This Is The Pot. You're Black.

"If they charge her, they are simply feeding a horrible machine that plays off people getting exposure through people's pain." - Michael Lohan, to X17Online, speaking about the pending felony grand theft charges against his daughter, Lindsay. Hmm. "Getting exposure through people's pain" sounds like Mikey's parenting/famewhoring philosophy to me. I'd also like to ask him how, exactly, prosecuting someone for a crime is feeding a horrible machine and who, exactly, is getting exposure through Lindsay's alleged theft. But, you know, I don't speak insufferable moron.

Watch Out, Michael Lohan!

There's a NEW Father of the Year in town. Behold Eddie Cibrian, B-list actor and fiancé of country singer Leann Rimes. You might remember the much-maligned affair that brought these two together. If not, let's review: they made a movie together when both were married to other people, started having sex, denied the affair, admitted the affair, left their respective spouses, and have since run around the globe making out and filling Leann's chest with silicone. It's a true American love story. ANY'HO, the newest issue of Us Weekly reports (and therefore it MUST be true, right?) that Eddie is "tired of being portrayed as a philandering sleaze" so he has hired an image consultant. Said consultant's first move was to make Eddie "get rid of his Porsche and buy a Prius." Okay, so I guess recycling and infidelity are mutually exclusive. Kind of makes sense if you think about it. But here's the real rub: according to Us's source, "The consultant also told the actor to be seen more with [his] kids Mason, 7, and Jake, 3. 'Instead of going to a Lakers game with his buddy, the consultant insisted he bring a son.'" Awww. I love father and son time mandated by an image consultant. See you in rehab, Mason!

Momma Lohan Introduces Her New And Improved Meal Ticket!

Of course, by "meal," I mean "drugs and tanning." Anyway, here's the big news from Mom of the Year Dina Lohan, which she delivered exclusively to RadarOnline:

"[Lindsay's] brother wants to go back to acting now...We're working on a movie for him, and I am the executive producer, with Michael being the star...We are actively working with investors now." Sure you are, Pumpkin. Michael is Lindsay's 23 year-old younger brother, by the way. I can understand why Dina is pushing this project. I mean, the whole Lindsay thing didn't work out, what with the addiction and mental illness and all, and younger sister Ali never picked up any speed as an actress, seeing as how she doesn't really have any talent. What's a famewhoring mom to do? Roll out another kid! Third time's a charm! Nah, I'm kidding. After she f*cks up this kid, she still has 14 year-old son Dakota to ruin. Keep 'em coming, Dina!

Happy New Year, Lindsay Et Al!

In honor of Lindsay Lohan's impending release from rehab, here's an oldie but goodie from F-Bomb Café's first incarnation. Read it and weep, suckas.

Originally posted Sunay, April 4, 2010:

My dad is on Facebook. Go ahead and chuckle – it’s funny, right? My mom is, too, but that’s not as weird. For one thing, I don’t really care if my mom reads my status updates, no matter how profane or incriminating they might be. Mom’s no prude. For another, um, I speak to my mom. My dad and I haven’t spoken in three years. Don’t feel bad – that’s not my point (and I have a great therapist). My point is that it’s pretty bizarre that while he and I have not spoken to or seen each other since 2006, he regularly sends me chat invitations when I am logged in to Facebook. And the chat invitations don’t say “Sorry I’m an insensitive twit! Let’s talk!” They bing at me and say, “Cute dog!” or “Love the new profile pic!” I am just waiting for the day when he asks me to buy him a cow in Farmville or whatever it is you Farmville people do. And, so help me, if he asks me to join his mob in Mafia Wars, I will pop a cap in my Macbook. A decade ago, my father would have had to put effort into making a phone call or sending a card to try to repair our relationship. Now, he can send a quick message while he looks at his neighbor’s vacation photo album or takes a quiz to find out which Twilight character he is. Um…creepy.

It’s not that bad for me. Basically, I have to run away from some annoying IMs. It’s irritating, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s only Facebook. I can block my father. I can leave Facebook. Change the players to Lindsay Lohan and her father and the venue to Twitter, and we have a much more dangerous drama. To wit: Lindsay and her father had an all-out war on Twitter this week. Here are a few of her dad’s tweets (complete with his typos):

@LindsayLohan.. was I wrong for yelling .YES, but how about all the things mom did? remember Atlantis?Remember the lies to the cops?
@LindsayLohan..who WENT TO JAIL for 2 yrs because U and mom cried 2 me 2 come to LA,while I was on Probation,knowing I'd get violated?ME!
@LindsayLohan ..I never ever said that. I have it on my text (it is date and time stamped)! what is wrong with U?OOOPS!I already l know that
@LINDSAYlOHAN.. YOU R TWISTING THINGS JUST LIKE THE MEDIA DOES. THE VERY PEOPLE U CRITICIZE
@LindsayLohan.. done with ur&the other nonesense.Time to focus on what I have to

Okay, first of all, let’s just get the obvious out of the way. Lindsay Lohan has two of the worst parents ever to be allowed to reproduce, her father should be locked up (again), and it is no wonder Lindsay is a mess. Now, let’s think about what it must be like for Lindsay to read these tweets. She is assaulted with her father’s nonsense while the rest of the world reads it, too.  And her father, who is very obviously a delusional narcissist, has a stage. What chance does the poor girl have – did she ever have? How is she supposed to get away from this? I suppose she could move to some remote place where she reads and listens to no news, but let’s be realistic. She won’t and she shouldn’t have to. So, as long as Michael Lohan has Twitter followers, he can post this nonsense. As long as magazines print it, he will post this nonsense. And as long as he follows Twitter’s rules, none of which forbid emotionally abusing your daughter, there is nothing anyone can do about it, including Lindsay. This is where we go from creepy (my dad’s Facebook) to tragic.

I have made jokes at Lindsay’s expense in the past. I am a shameless consumer of celebrity gossip, and I am never ashamed to admit it. I poke holes in myself and marinate in Us Weekly whenever I get the chance. I read radaronline.com before I brush my teeth in the morning. I know the names of every one of the Beckham kids and every one of Tiger’s mistresses and was among the first to know when the latter number surpassed the former. But watching a family destroy each other on Twitter is more than I can take. Can’t families just go back to torturing each other the old fashioned way -- screaming matches at Thanksgiving dinner, showing up drunk to Junior’s graduation, stuff like that? And, please, if you want to tell someone you are sorry, say it like you mean it – with your mouth. Families are messed up enough, even the loving ones. Adding more ways for us to torture each other is just wrong. Let’s stick to Farmville and Mafia Wars online and leave the important stuff to that face-to-face thing we used to love so much.

And You Think Your Parents Are Embarrassing?

"Actually probably on my hands and knees." - Michael Lohan, on XM Radio's Playboy Morning Show, when asked if he remembers what position he was in when Lindsay was conceived. Yup. That was the actual question. Never one to let his idiocy be one-upped, Michael elaborated, "It was the first time I had ever smoked pot in my life. And the altitude was so high, for 3 days I couldn't leave that chalet. You're stuck in a chalet for 3 days so you're going to have a lot of sex." Phew! It's a good thing Michael stepped in just when Lindsay's rehab might have been working. Wouldn't want that to happen. F*cking asshat.

Hey, X17, Suck It.

"Except for a teeny bit of cellulite on her legs, Lindsay Lohan looked gorge again heading to an alcohol education class in Palm Desert today after a gym workout." - the first line of a post at X17online, accompanied by the pic you see here. Okay, Lindsay has done some crazy shiz, but come ON. First of all, the girl is in rehab; maybe take it easy on her for a while? Secondly, "except for a teeny bit of cellulite...after a gym workout"???!!!! Who WORKS at this website? Bethenny Frankel?? And, look, nutty though she has been, anyone with Michael and Dina Lohan as parents deserves nothing but empathy and kindness for the rest of her life. Well, until she does something really funny. No, I'm kidding. Maybe.

When Famewhores Attack -- Themselves

Michael Lohan was allegedly attacked last night outside of his home, where a track-suit clad assailant grabbed him from behind as he stepped out in front of his house. Michael told police that he was jumped by a white man in his 50s or 60s who cut him on his neck with "an unknown object." (See the scratches in the photo above, courtesy of Radaronline.com.) Michael says he then fought off the attacker, sustaining cuts on his hands before the man fled the scene on foot. Hmmm. You might remember that on Wednesday, Michael released a statement to the press that he would no longer speak to the press. Well, he said he would no longer speak to the press about Lindsay or her mom. He didn't say anything about speaking to the press about fake attacks that he stages outside of his house to give him a reason to talk to the press on the very day that Lindsay is in court for her parole violation. JUST SAYING.

UPDATE: 40 hours after promising not to speak to the press about Lindsay, PoLo spoke to the press. About Lindsay. I know. You're shocked. You can hear him here.

"Hello, Kettle? This Is The Pot. You're Black."

"Dina is a lying, pathetic, scheming narcissist...If she thinks she has beat me, she's crazier than we all know...Can you tell that I am fed up with this lying, scheming poor excuse for a mother who only wants to live and benefit off her kids with no regard for their well being?" - Michael Lohan, in an "exclusive" rant to X17online. I assume he's referring to Dina's statements that Michael is lying about setting up a conservatorship for Lindsay. Poor Michael. He wants only what's best for his kids' well-being. That's why he talks to the press 100 times a day about Lindsay and fights family wars in public. Jackass. Excuse me -- jackasses. Dina is just as bad. I'm not even related to these two clowns and they make me want to do blow.

Stupidest Thing I've Heard This Week, Volume 6

"The rehab will treat only women, not men...the financing is in place and it's going to be very religiously oriented." - Michael Lohan, on the drug rehab facility he's opening in Pasadena, California, to Radaronline.com. Only women, huh? Well, I guess that makes sense given his track record of one acrimonious divorce, two daughters who won't speak to him, and an ex-fiancée who charged him with domestic abuse. Poppa Lohan really gets women, you know? As for the rehab center's pro-God, anti-prescription meds policy, MLo explains, "I believe spirituality and holistic methods can cure anything." Well, except for chronic doucheyness, evidently.

Family Dysfunction, 2010 Style

My dad is on Facebook. Go ahead and chuckle – it’s funny, right? My mom is, too, but that’s not as weird. For one thing, I don’t really care if my mom reads my status updates, no matter how profane or incriminating they might be. Mom’s no prude. For another, um, I speak to my mom. My dad and I haven’t spoken in three years. Don’t feel bad – that’s not my point (and I have a great therapist). My point is that it’s pretty bizarre that while he and I have not spoken to or seen each other since 2006, he regularly sends me chat invitations when I am logged in to Facebook. And the chat invitations don’t say “Sorry I’m an insensitive twit! Let’s talk!” They bing at me and say, “Cute dog!” or “Love the new profile pic!” I am just waiting for the day when he asks me to buy him a cow in Farmville or whatever it is you Farmville people do. And, so help me, if he asks me to join his mob in Mafia Wars, I will pop a cap in my Macbook. A decade ago, my father would have had to put effort into making a phone call or sending a card to try to repair our relationship. Now, he can send a quick message while he looks at his neighbor’s vacation photo album or takes a quiz to find out which Twilight character he is. Um…creepy.

It’s not that bad for me. Basically, I have to run away from some annoying IMs. It’s irritating, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s only Facebook. I can block my father. I can leave Facebook. Change the players to Lindsay Lohan and her father and the venue to Twitter, and we have a much more dangerous drama. To wit: Lindsay and her father had an all-out war on Twitter this week. Here are a few of her dad’s tweets (complete with his typos):

@LindsayLohan.. was I wrong for yelling .YES, but how about all the things mom did? remember Atlantis?Remember the lies to the cops?
@LindsayLohan..who WENT TO JAIL for 2 yrs because U and mom cried 2 me 2 come to LA,while I was on Probation,knowing I'd get violated?ME!
@LindsayLohan ..I never ever said that. I have it on my text (it is date and time stamped)! what is wrong with U?OOOPS!I already l know that
@LINDSAYlOHAN.. YOU R TWISTING THINGS JUST LIKE THE MEDIA DOES. THE VERY PEOPLE U CRITICIZE
@LindsayLohan.. done with ur&the other nonesense.Time to focus on what I have to

Okay, first of all, let’s just get the obvious out of the way. Lindsay Lohan has two of the worst parents ever to be allowed to reproduce, her father should be locked up (again), and it is no wonder Lindsay is a mess. Now, let’s think about what it must be like for Lindsay to read these tweets. She is assaulted with her father’s nonsense while the rest of the world reads it, too.  And her father, who is very obviously a delusional narcissist, has a stage. What chance does the poor girl have – did she ever have? How is she supposed to get away from this? I suppose she could move to some remote place where she reads and listens to no news, but let’s be realistic. She won’t and she shouldn’t have to. So, as long as Michael Lohan has Twitter followers, he can post this nonsense. As long as magazines print it, he will post this nonsense. And as long as he follows Twitter’s rules, none of which forbid emotionally abusing your daughter, there is nothing anyone can do about it, including Lindsay. This is where we go from creepy (my dad’s Facebook) to tragic.

I have made jokes at Lindsay’s expense in the past. I am a shameless consumer of celebrity gossip, and I am never ashamed to admit it. I poke holes in myself and marinate in Us Weekly whenever I get the chance. I read radaronline.com before I brush my teeth in the morning. I know the names of every one of the Beckham kids and every one of Tiger’s mistresses and was among the first to know when the latter number surpassed the former. But watching a family destroy each other on Twitter is more than I can take. Can’t families just go back to torturing each other the old fashioned way -- screaming matches at Thanksgiving dinner, showing up drunk to Junior’s graduation, stuff like that? And, please, if you want to tell someone you are sorry, say it like you mean it – with your mouth. Families are messed up enough, even the loving ones. Adding more ways for us to torture each other is just wrong. Let’s stick to Farmville and Mafia Wars online and leave the important stuff to that face-to-face thing we used to love so much.