Radar's Gaydar

Some time last week, gossip sites started reporting that Jessica Simpson's father, Joe Simpson, has come out to his family as a gay man and is divorcing Jessica's mom, Tina. So far, the divorce has been confirmed, but his sexual orientation has not. I for one don't fucking care with whom Joe Simpson has sex, as long as as it's not me, a child, one of his daughters, or any other non-consenting party. He's gay? Good for him. Whatever. I mean, this may be the only thing I've ever read about Joe Simpson that doesn't make me want to punch him in the face.

If, however, you are desperate to get to the bottom of this sexual-orientation mystery, first I would ask you to look at your own attitudes about sex and sexuality (you can get back to me on that), and then I would direct you to RadarOnline.com, where some hard-working investigative journalists have cracked the case wide open. Yesterday, the site posted the photos you see above with this caption: "Ab Fab Fedora, Joe! Simpson Shows Off More Flamboyant Look In Wake Of Gay Scandal." A FEDORA! Oh, he's definitely gay. No straight man would ever wear something so flamboyant! What's next? He likes musicals? He's good at decorating? Please, Radar, don't keep us waiting. The public has a right to know just how many ridiculous stereotypes you can perpetuate while reinforcing the idea that homosexuality is some sort of scandal. Hurry!!!!!

P.S.: This just in!! Brad Pitt must be really gay. Check out the evidence:

[Radar]

Yeah, Thirty Days Oughta Do It

Here we have Nadya Suleman -- that's Octomom to you and me -- heading off to rehab. Her rep tells TMZ that NSul has developed a little Xanax problem after her doctor prescribed the drug to help her deal with anxiety. Evidently, Nadya has found that raising 14 kids as a single mom makes one a little tense. Hmm. Who knew? She must be really shocked. I mean, can't a girl just collect unemployment, get multiple plastic surgeries, and use advanced reproductive technology to grow 8 fetuses in her one womb while also raising 6 young kids alone without getting all stressed out? Jeez. What is the world coming to? Is the American Dream lost? IS THERE NO GOD?

All is not dark, though; there's still so much charity and love in the world. According to TMZ, "...Nadya can afford to pay for treatment by herself -- because she's making a ton of money from her porn career -- but the rehab facility offered to pick up the tab anyway." OH GOOD. Thanks to the saints at said "rehab center" for realizing when someone is just really down on her luck.

Get The Ark Ready

Posting will be light today as I obsessively check on friends and family in the Northeast, where streets are flooded and trees are uprooted. Look, I'm not much for The Bible (though in general I really enjoy fiction), but it sure looks to me as if God/Goddess/MotherNature/Buddha/George Clooney has had enough. I blame KKar.

Stay safe, peeps. Posting will resume tomorrow...if there is one. Just kidding (I think).

No Snark, Felicia Garcia Edition

This is Felicia Garcia. She was a foster child who had lost both of her parents and who had been suffering from depression. At a high school party, she allegedly had sex with four football players. The 4 boys told everyone about it, and thereafter Felicia spent her days at school as the object of slut-shaming, harassment, and bullying -- secondary victimization, as we say. On Wednesday, the administration at Felicia's school conducted a mediation session between Felicia and one of the football players (we call this retraumatization, for the record). That afternoon, on the way home, Felicia threw herself in front of a train in front of hundreds of school mates. Shortly before, the girl had tweeted, "I cant, Im done, I give up."

If for one second you feel a twinge of "well, she did sleep with four guys at a party," I encourage you to reflect on your own decision making abilities at age 15 and then add to the mix the despair of being an orphaned foster child. Consider how difficult it must be for a child to be assertive when she has no unconditional support. Now throw in an environment that tells you EVERY DAY that, as a woman, your only worth is in your body -- oh, and that body isn't really all yours anyway. We all get to make decisions about it. Ask yourself why the girl was a pariah but the 4 football players were heroes. Add some relentless images of sexualized children, and read up a little on slut-shaming and victim-blaming.

It's the least you could do.

[NYDN]

Least Shocking News Of The Week

Are you sitting down? Word on the street (by which I mean The National Enquirer via The Huffington Post via RadarOnline.com --  the trash triumvirate) is that professional hot mess Lindsay Lohan allegedly stole $15,000 worth of clothes from the set of her most recent film, Scary Movie 5. You might remember that in the last few years, Her Royal Highallthetimeness has been accused of stealing a mink coat from a nightclub, a bunch of clothing from some model she's never met, almost half a million dollars worth of Dior jewelry from a photo shoot, and a Rolex watch someone left at her house. Oh, and then there was that time she went to jail for stealing a necklace from a jeweler. Look, news people, how about you let us know when six months go by during which Lilo hasn't stolen something, K? Free Winona!!!

[HuffPost]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number ShootMeNow

This is the first paragraph of an article I just read at RadarOnline.com.

"Courtney Stodden's 52 year-old husband Doug Hutchison was left in tears on the most recent episode of Couple's Therapy when his wife didn't show for their yoga session, and RadarOnline.com's [sic] has a clip of fellow castmate Shayne Lamas blaming the absence on the 18 year-old's 'stripper shoes.'"

Whoever wrote this needs a stiff drink. Preferably bleach, neat.

Health Care, Exploitation, Same Difference

I've been trying really hard to ignore this whole Honey Boo-Boo thing, but leave it to Dr. Drew to make that impossible. Yesterday, Drew interviewed the 7 year-old on his eponymous talk show, and the poor kid resorted to faking sleep to try to communicate to the negligent adults around her that she is fucking tired of being whored out. And just in case that didn't get the point across, when Drew asked Alana (yeah, she actually has a name) if it's hard to be on TV, she answered, "Fans come up to me and I hate it." I'm not going to get into the crime that is this poor girl's parenting, so let's just focus on Drew for a minute. This is the DOCTOR who brought us Celebrity Rehab, a show ostensibly about helping barely famous addicts but that was really about showcasing Drew's abjectly unethical behavior. For the record, four Celebrity Rehab alums have died since taping the show. I guess making worse the lives of long-suffering adults got old for Dr. Pinksy, so he's started profiting from the demoralization of children. I mean, that's the logical next step for anyone in a helping profession, right? I think if Drew teaches us anything, it's that the whole Hippocratic Oath thing is a total joke. Harm, shmarm: let's make some money! Whoot! 

[Radar]

She's Practically Running A Country, You Guys

Last night, Lindsay Lohan treated the Twitter community to her ongoing thoughts during the last presidential debate. Here we have her last debate tweet, in which she commends the candidates and implies that she was more nervous during the debate than they were. Yeah, that's probably true. I know how she feels; my dealer didn't show up in time, either.

They're Coming For Your Title, Kimmie

According to The New York Daily News, Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Caroline Manzo and Teresa Guidice were asked to appear at a Halloween party that will raise money for a 6 year-old boy named Christopher DiMartino who has been fighting cancer since he was 3. Christopher will die within months if his family can't raise find a way to pay for chemotherapy treatments -- hence the benefit. However, the whole MONEY TO BENEFIT DYING CHILD part was apparently lost on these two fucking clowns, who refuse to appear unless they are paid their normal $3000-$30,000 appearance fee. Look, I stopped watching all things Housewives a long time ago, not for any real reason unless you count my firm belief that the entire franchise is a harbinger of the apocalypse. So, while I am horrified by this story, I can't say I'm surprised. What is surprising is that anyone would pay $30K -- 0r $3K for that matter -- to catch a glimpse of these barely literate famewhore morons. I mean, a plane ticket to New Jersey costs much less than that, and there you can see a whole state full of assholes. No offense New Jersey, but, you know, if the pathetic bitch fits, blah blah blah.

I understand that we all love seeing women feed into stereotypes and reinforce everything that is wrong with our culture, but, if you watch this show, you're helping support these two and their black souls. That's cool, though. Carry on.

Quick And Dirty

TMZ throws the best interventions: Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work on her latest movie, "The Canyons." Today, Michael Lohan decided to bring a bunch of people -- including some reporters from TMZ -- to Lindsay's house in an attempt to stage an intervention. Which makes sense. I mean, if jail and 4 stints in rehab haven't worked for Lilo, her famewhore felon father and a sleazy gossip site ought to do the trick. Unfortunately, Michael's totally selfless and well thought out plan was thwarted when LL called the cops and reported Michael for trespassing. You know, it's so sad: some people just don't know how to accept love. [TMZ]

Tortellini is expensive, people: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married today in Italy (yawn). The couple gave the following "exclusive" statement to People Magazine: "It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful, and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends."Yeah, that's one exclusive and moving statement. Oh, and E! seems to think the wedding cost $6.5 million, making it the most expensive countdown to infidelity in recent history. Congratulations, kids; you're doomed. Cheers!  [People]

THIS guy: Rihanna's father, Ronald Fenty, tells Life and Style that he hopes his daughter marries Chris Brown because "Everyone adores Chris; he's a super guy." Yeah, he sure is. It might be important to point out here that Rihanna's father was a drug addict who physically abused her mother. Super! So, let me break this down for you: the man who beat Rihanna's mom loves the man who beat Rihanna. Awww, you guys! It's the circle of liiiiiiiiiife. [Life and Style]

What's Black And White And Stupid All Over?

Here we have Queen Asshat Kim Kardashian wearing leather pants and a fur coat at Miami International Airport yesterday, when it was 90 goddam degrees outside. But, you know, she's a fucking idiot, so...no big surprise. What gets me the most about this outfit is how many animals had to die for Kimmie the Killer to showcase her pea sized brain. I'd trade her for the cow and the mink that lost their lives for this shitstorm any day. To be fair, though, maybe I should cut Kim some slack. I mean, most of the time she's putting such great things out into the world, right? Yeah. Right.

[Us]

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume Number BlessHisLittleHeart

"I'll win an Oscar one day, but I'm in no rush to get there," Kellan Lutz, Twilight star, tells Pus Weekly.

Awww, of course you will, punkin.

Props

As you likely already know, Anne Hathaway married poor man's Ryan Gosling actor-jewelry designer Adam Shulman a few weeks ago. The couple sold their wedding photos to several magazines, and they're donating a portion of the profits to Freedom To Marry, a non-profit organization that campaigns for marriage equality. Which is fucking AWESOME. Hathaway has long been an advocate for the LGBTQ community and has in fact done a lot of other work for the cause. So with those facts and this news in mind, Imma refrain from any more jokes about her husband. I'm sure he's lovely, as all actor hyphenates are. *bites tongue*

Mazel Tov

Sly minx Megan Fox has been keeping her newborn under wraps. Turns out that she and husband Brian Austin Green welcomed their son, Juvederm Botox Rhinoplasty Noah Shannon Green, on September 27. And, I sort of hate to say this, but MFo posted a perfectly sweet announcement on Facebook announcing the boy's arrival. If you care about that sort of thing, you can read it here. If you prefer a different sort of fare, here's a clip of Daddy David Silver showing off the moves that make Meggy swoon. I mean, I think I got pregnant just watching this:

An American Hero

Okay, let's play that game in which I give you a celebrity's quotation, and you guess what s/he's talking about. This week's charmer is perennial favorite Kim Kardashian. In between her efforts to single-handedly destroy our civilization, Kimmie proffered this soundbite:

"...my intentions were good, but...you have some hits and misses along the way...Where were my sisters or my boyfriend when I needed a good opinion?"

What was KKar referencing? Her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries? Nope. That pesky sex tape that was sooooo traumatic except for when it made her entire family filthy rich(er)? Yeah, no. Her decision to fuck up her face with fillers and botox? Negative -- full steam ahead there. In fact, she was talking about her decision to wear this outfit:

Good call, Kim. I think if the public is owed any penance from you, it's definitely for a sketchy sartorial decision, and not for the impending apocalypse your fame foreshadows.

[HuffPo]

The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, Methinks

As I mentioned last week, Hulk Hogan leaked his own sex tape and is now pretending to be incensed by this anonymous violation of his privacy. Never one to back down from a fake, choreographed fight, the Hulkster is really going all the way with this little charade (by which I mean the sex tape scandal, not the genitals to which he so mercilessly exposed us all); yesterday, he announced that he is suing for $100 million both Gawker Media, who first posted a clip from the tape, and his "former" best friend Bubba the Love Sponge, who he believes gave the tape to Gawker. Whatever, dude. I think we should all ban together and sue Hulk for $100 trillion for the abject horror inflicted by his naked image. And, for the record, the funniest thing I have read about this lawsuit is over at WWTDD.com. Read it; you won't be sorry.

No No No No No No NO. No.

So. Just let that headline sit for a sec, K? Now, for those of you who, unlike the President, have other things to do than keep up on the fake feud between Mimi Lollipop-Bling Carey and the Cartoon Formerly Known as Nicki Minaj, you can read about it here. If, like me, you're wondering why the fuck Obama has anything to say about it, you should know that at least he didn't start the conversation. That's the good news. Some dude named Michael Yo, who evidently has a radio show in to which POTUS called, asked the Pres to weigh in on the very important tangle between Nicks and Mims. The bad news, however, is that Obama had an answer. An actual answer. Not "I don't give a shit" or "I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." Nope. Obama replied, "I think that they are going to be able to sort it out. I'm confident. I'm all about bringing people together, working for the same cause, I think both outstanding artists are going to be able to make sure they're moving forward and not going backwards." Such a diplomat! And his vision is sooooo inspiring! Imagine all the jobs that will be created when Mimi and Nicki work this out! We can have a delusional diva and a caricature famewhore on the same judges' panel of a played out, fixed singing competition! YES WE CAN!

[HuffPost]

Dry Your Eyes

Posting will be light until Wednesday because this whole real job/real life thing is all up in my shit. I mean, I'm still going to post my VERY IMPORTANT drivel, but the posts will be sporadic. So, in the meantime, enjoy some Chris Rock:

By "All Stars" They Mean "All Over"

The cast of  Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice: All Stars has been announced, and, as one might expect, it's JAM PACKED with talent. The 14 contestants will be: perennial plastic surgery patient Lisa Rinna; bandana activist Bret Michaels; floridly psychotic former actor Gary Busey; inexplicable mess Latoya Jackson; professional reality TV bitch Omarosa Manigault; beautiful bride Dennis Rodman; person whom I've never heard of but who is allegedly an "American radio and TV personality" Claudia Jordan; requisite country singer and scowler Trace Adkins; Oscar hopeful/former Baywatch actress and Playmate Brande (of course her name is Brande) Roderick; Teller- and dignity-free Penn Jillette; hardcore, hardrock, look how hard and far he's fallen Dee Snider; actress for 5 minutes in the 70s Marilu Henner; Stephen "I could have been Alec" Baldwin; and, okay, this is just plain awesome, Li'l Jon.

The cool thing about this group is that, once "Celebrity" Apprentice ends, they can just hop on the shuttle to "Celebrity" Rehab. I have to say, there is not a day that goes by when I am not swollen with gratitude for all of the beauty Donny T brings in the world. He's a fucking national treasure, people. Recognize.

Presented (Almost) Without Comment, Volume One

Lindsay Lohan, when asked yesterday if she is keeping up with the Presidential race, announced whom she supports:

"I just think employment is really important right now. So as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now."

HAAAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA.

Perfect. They're made for each other. As of now.

[E!]

Get On That, Kelly

Breaking news on Kelly Clarkson, just in from StarPulse.com:

"The singer kicked off the start of her "Stronger" tour in Dublin, Ireland, on Wednesday looking quite a bit curvier than she did several months ago. However, there are plenty of stars who are curvy and sexy (Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, etc.), so why can't Kelly be grouped with them? Our advice - she should wear stage costumes that flatter her figure."

Great advice, StarPulse! Kelly must be so relieved to find that not only are you tracking her weight losses and gains, but also that you can help her conform to the standards you've set for her appearance. Soooo thoughtful of you! And what's this I hear? Some stars are curvy AND sexy? Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're blowing my mind.

Assholes.

Woody Allen Will Officiate, Natch

I know I heard about this several times, but evidently I chose to forget: E! News just reminded me that A&E is soon to start airing its newest reality show, The Houstons: On Our Own, which follows "the family Whitney Houston left behind." Stay classy, A&E. How long after Whitney died did some schmuck down at the A&E offices pitch this idea? It's heartwarming to know that entertainment executives have found new ways for celebrity families to profit from the exploitation of their loved ones' untimely, tragic deaths. Anyway, E! obtained a "special sneak peek promo" of the show in which Bobbi Kristina, Whitney's daughter, announces her engagement to Nick Gordon. Good for her, right? Slow down. Nick Gordon is not only Bobbi Kris's fiancé, he is also her adopted brother. Yup. Whitney adopted Nick when he was 12 years old and Bobbi Kristina was 9, and the kids were raised as siblings. Now, look, I'm not interested in throwing shade at Bobbi Kristina; the woman has suffered enough. But, um, what the fuck? Getting married at 19 is ridiculous enough. But this? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Bobbi K was the only heir to Whitney's fortune... or the fact that after being raised by two drug addicts and losing her mom, the poor girl is desperate for something that resembles stability and intimacy. Nothing at all. It's just true love, naturally.

At the risk of dating myself (which would be better than dating my adopted brother, ba dum BUM!), I have to ask: Is anyone else getting a Flowers In the Attic vibe from all of this? I don't know about you, but I need to go back to simpler times, when Bobbi K was just a kid, and her parents were spreading joy to the world through discussions of amateur proctology.

[E!]

The Artist Formerly Known As Bubba The Love Sponge's Disgruntled Former Employee

Evidently Hulk Hogan's publicist has changed his name.

Look, if anyone leaked this nightmare (I can't even type the words -- let's just call it Hulk's Hogan's Hex Hape), it was Hulk himself. You can take that shit to the bank.

Posting will be light this morning because...just because. Jeez, you people ask a lot of questions. Check back this afternoon, if you haven't been admitted to the hospital after the mere thought of Hulk's junk bouncing around on screen. You're welcome.

Family Values, Lohan Style (UPDATED)

Because I just can't, let's make this as simple and fast as possible: Last night, Lindsay Lohan and her criminally negligent mother, Dina, partied at a club together. I mean, we could just stop there, right? Anyway, on the limo ride home from the club, the two women got into a fight over whether Lindsay would sleep at a hotel or her mom's house in Long Island. Trainwreck and Trainwreck, Jr. spent the entire trip from Manhattan to Nassau County fighting until Lindsay finally called HER FATHER, who called the police, who then responded but ultimately did not act since, according to a Nassau Police spokesperson, "There were no injuries and no complaints followed. There is nothing else we can do." However, a "source" (coughMichaelLohan) contradicts that report, maintaining that Lilo did sustain an injury -- a cut on her leg caused by a diamond bracelet that was broken during the row. OMG, you guys, I hope she's okay!

I don't know about you, but I for one am shocked. They seem like such great buddies, Dina and Lindsay. I mean, look at the two ladies just a year ago, celebrating Dina's 49th birthday by getting drunk and making out with each other in the club:

How could such a beautiful mother/daughter relationship go so wrong? Is there nothing pure left in this world? Is there no God?! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??!!

UPDATE: According to RadarOnline, the two were fighting over money. Lindsay allegedly gave Dina $40,000 and then asked for it back. What an ungrateful little shrew! After everything her mom has done for her? A good pimp is totally worth 40K, amirite?

UPDATE #2: Dear Gods I can't rehash this. Cocaine, threats, delusions, etc. The usual. You can read it here.

UPDATE #3 FOR GODS' SAKE: Lindy West says it best.

[NYDailyNews]

Apocalypse Now, Volume ITotallySawThisComingButThatDoesn'tMakeItAnyLessHorrific

I was sitting here innocently reading Lindy West's Dirt Bag over at Jezebel.com when I got smacked in the soul with the news that a Kris Jenner reality show is probably happening. Because we don't get enough of the pimp who birthed a scourge (I mean that in the nicest way possible) elsewhere in the media? Okay, you know what --  fine. Bring it on, TV. The ark is almost ready.

Wherein I Weep For Her Agony

Let's play a little game. I'll give you a celebrity quotation, and you guess what she's talking about, okay? Ready?

Molly Sims told reporters on Friday, "It's literally the hardest thing I've ever done."

Your turn: What is "it"? Childbirth? Nope. Climbing Mount Everest? Negative. Surviving for a month on food stamps? Ha! Yeah right. In fact, M-Dog was talking about losing her baby weight. Explained Sims, "You have to think about a baby first, and you have to get off all of that fat and weight -- and that's a whole thing on its own." Okay. First of all, no one has to get off "all that fat and weight," though I understand it's a reasonable goal for many. But if that is literally the hardest thing she's ever done, then I am literally thrilled for her and hope that she literally never has to go through anything more grueling than her little diet. And before any mommies jump down my throat, know that I've been there (yes, I kiss my kid with this mouth). Sure, it isn't fun to worry about fitting into your clothes, and I was as motivated as the next person to get back to my pre-baby size. But can we can take it easy, Molly? Having a healthy child with whom you can spend time as you wish in between workouts for which you can afford to hire a babysitter sounds like pretty sweet privilege to me. Lest I be too harsh on her, though, I should point out that Molly offered this soundbite to reporters at the launch party for Tracy Anderson's DVD "The Pregnancy Project," as Tracy is Molly's trainer -- and that explains a lot. After all, Tracy Anderson is the nightmare who tells women to eat baby food and who recently said, "A lot of women use pregnancy as an excuse to let their bodies go, and that's the worst thing." Really? Is it LITERALLY the worst thing? It seems that Anderson has infected Sims not only with her affection for starvation but also with her misuse of superlatives. Money well spent, Molly!

[People]

No. No I Will Not.

You know, sometimes I run out of things about women to compare. It's so fun to judge their bodies and faces against each other, but every once in a while a girl needs another way to contribute to the constant objectification of and superficial, dangerous competition between members of her gender. So I'd like to send my heartfelt thanks to Pus Weekly - and especially to the writer, Justin Ravitz -- for this "story." Changing lives one day at a time, Ravitz. Keep up the good work.

Dear Gods Will Someone Make This Stop Already

Bristol Palin had some sort of breakdown while rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars, and, as luck would have it, the whole thing was caught on film for last night's episode! Serenfuckingdipity! Now, I didn't see the show during which BPal burst into tears (because I have precious few shreds of dignity left onto which I am holding like grim death), but according to Us Weekly, the DWTS "All-Star" burst into tears and said to partner Mark Ballas, "I know you are bummed to have me as a partner...I feel like you want to go home!" before storming out of the studio. Aw, Brissy. Come on. If you're going to fall to pieces every time someone wants to get away from you, it's gonna be a long, piecey life. You know what the worst part of this whole thing is? No, not that she still gets to dance on the show, but good guess. The worst part is that it gave her mother a reason to open the trash chute that is her mouth. Sarah Palin used Facebook to voice her support for her daughter, who she believes is cracking under the pressure of constant criticism. Wrote Sarah, "Do the haters really think this will stop Bristol and Mark from keepin' on keepin' on? Silly critics -- after all these years of goofy antics like this we find these efforts are actually quite motivating!" Indeed, that is something one can't take away from the Palins: they conflate opposites all the time. For them, criticism equals support, incoherent drivel equals speech writing, ignorant nonsense equal political ideals...I could go on. It's inspiring, really. Keep on keepin' on, asshats!

Columbus Day: Putting The "D'Oh!" In Fried Dough

Last year I was invited to guest blog at the Americapedia website. If you haven't heard of Americapedia, let me tell you that it is the single best civics book for teens ever written. EVER. If you are a teen or know a teen, you need to get your hands on a copy, STAT. The first column I wrote for the site was about the nonsense that is Columbus Day and how ridiculous it is to celebrate it. And since I have some very, very important plans today (read: sit on my ass), I am republishing the column here. Now, granted, I wrote this column for a teenage audience, and I know most of you who read this blog are not teens. But, again, I am lazy, and, come on, if you read this website with any regularity, you know that adults are no less sophisticated than any 16 year-old out there -- present company excluded, of course. So...enjoy the column, and Happy Genocide Day! Whoot!

The streets of San Francisco have been buzzing these past few days. On Thursday, Occupy Wall Street kicked off in the city’s Financial District, and on Sunday the Columbus Day Parade shut down the streets of Little Italy. I was in both crowds – first to be heard with the other 99%ers, and then to cheer and eat with my fellow Italian-Americans. So basically I went from a rally against corruption and inequity to a celebration of, well, corruption and inequity. Oh, and genocide. Oops.

I hadn’t intended to spend the last few days of the week immersed in hypocrisy; it just sort of happened. As a vocal member of the 99% who want to end the social and economic inequities caused by corporate greed, I had to show my support at the rally, and I am planning to do so again on Saturday. Revolution doesn’t happen at home, after all. As for the parade, well, I’m Italian. I knew how to make spaghetti before I knew how to multiply. And for those of you who didn’t know, Christopher Columbus was Italian. That’s right. In fact, we don’t call him Christopher Columbus. He’s Cristoforo – Signore Colombo, if you’re nasty. To be clear, I’m proud of my Italian heritage, but I’m not so proud of ol’ Cristoforo. But it was just a parade, right? RIGHT? Maybe not. Let’s review CCo’s contributions to the world. He was paid by the Spanish monarchy to sail to Asia. He ended up in the Bahamas and then North America, never admitted he’d landed in the wrong place, tortured and enslaved natives everywhere he went, and was ultimately arrested for his barbaric acts. The destruction of the Native American culture was basically Christo’s fault. And yet we close schools and banks to celebrate him. I eat fried dough to celebrate him. It’s kind of gross, and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth this year. (Not the dough – the dough was awesome.) I mentioned my discomfort to a few friends at the parade, and I heard a lot of “Aw, but it’s fun” and “Don’t be such a Scrooge.” First of all, Scrooge hated Christmas, not Columbus Day, and, second of all, if a scrooge is someone who doesn’t celebrate misanthropy and death, well, then I’ll own my scroogery. At the risk of, uh, raining on the parade (sorry), I have to point out that celebrating Columbus Day is just wrong. Well, unless you’re into genocide, in which case, Look! A float!

I’m not trying to dis my Italian ancestors. On the contrary. I’ll march for Michelangelo or Maria Montessori any day. Or Galileo. Or Parmigianino. Or the person who invented gnocchi, whoever that genius is. But if I want to live in a world where people treat each other with kindness and respect, I think I should stop cheering for plaster statues of a dude who lied, cheated, and killed. I mean, I say I want a revolution. I do. I’m occupying Wall Street. And as of today, right now, you’re hearing it first, I vow not to engage in any more mindless celebrations of cruelty. That means I’ll have to make my own fried dough, and that’s just fine.

Quick and Dirty

Everytime a "Bachelor" couple breaks up, a famewhore gets it wings: Blah blah blah Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robinson have split. In related news, no one cares. [InTouch]

But who will abuse the caps lock key now? Kanye West has deleted all of his past tweets and appears to be taking a break from Twitter. For more on this breaking story, read the last sentence of the post above this one. [HuffPost]

It's like "Romeo and Juliet," except not at all: In case you missed it, domestic violence aficionado Chris Brown released a video this morning on the heels of his breakup with Karrueche Tran in which he explains the torture of his lovesick heart. Quoth Breezy, "I'm a little drunk, so Imma be honest...Is there suck thing as loving two people? I don't know if that's possible but for me I just feel like that." And in case you think Chrissy is just trying to have his cake and beat the shit out of it, too, he also assures us, "I'm not trying to be a player...I just care too much sometimes." Right. [TMZ]

Wherein I Send A Letter Bomb

This morning, RadarOnline.com posted a story titled, "When Skinny Gets Scary! 14 Stars Who've Battled Eating Disorders." It's less a story than a slideshow, with photos of 14 stars who have admitted to suffering from anorexia or bulimia, including Nicole Richie, Kelly Clarkson, and Portia DeRossi. The front page of the story says, "Hollywood's hottest stars experience a lot of pressure to be thin for the cameras, but sometimes they take their 'thinpsiration' too far and end up battling awful eating disorders." Yes. Awful indeed. I wonder where this pressure comes from? I mean, who or what are these nefarious forces conspiring to objectify and body-snark women? Let's take a look at photo number 7, Ashlee Simpson:

Allow me to direct your attention to the caption, which begins, "Always much skinnier than big sis Jessica..." ALWAYS. MUCH. SKINNIER. THAN. BIG. SIS. JESSICA. Well. That should teach Jessica! She's not on the list this year, but Radar Online is doing its part to make sure JSimp feels crappy enough about her weight to get some binging and purging in place for the next "Stars With Eating Disorders" story. And just to be safe, they were careful to point out that Ashlee "still looks startling skinny." Good point, guys. I think talking more about her size will really help that pesky eating disorder of hers. Let's move on to photo number 13, Snooki:

This caption begins, "You'd never guess by her current chunky appearance but Jersey Shore star Snooki says she suffered from anorexia as high school cheerleader..." Again, I am just confounded by these eating disorders they speak of. Where could these women have gotten the idea that they need to starve themselves? Why do they care so much about being skinny? It's a mystery, really. A question for the ages. Right up there with "What's the meaning of life?" and "Who let the dogs out?"

Fuck off, RadarOnline. I blame you.

Clown Fight! Clown Fight!

In case you haven't heard, Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey got into some sort of argument during American Idol auditions, and now Barbara Walters is involved, and nothing about this seems at ALL like some sort of stunt to get people to care about American Idol. Nope. Not a bit. Because, remember, people, two talented women can never be in the same room without devolving into catty bitches. Estrogen is basically a disability, duh. Really, though, come on; I have a hard time believing that Mariah Carey and her seven gagillion dollars, butterflies, glitter, and servant/husband really care about NMin's cartoon gangsta bullshit. If you, however, do care, you can read about it over at The Huffington Post. Personally, I prefer to watch this animated video of Justin Bieber puking on stage. You're welcome.

Well It's About Fucking TIme

Word on the street is that Chris Brown's girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, has finally dumped his whiny ass in the face of reports that King Asshat has been getting a little too close to Rihanna. Now, first of all: Good. But, second of all: What the fuck? She was okay with him beating the shit out of his ex, but kissing her is off limits? Whatever. As for Breezy himself, the little jerk told Pus Weekly, "I love Karrueche very much, but I don't want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna." Mm-Hmm. Considering Chrissy's track record of hurting those he "loves," I'd say KTran made the right decision. RUN, woman. Run far.

One Of The Great Political Minds Of Our Lifetime Has Spoken

Scott Stapp, lead singer of the shitstorm, I mean, band Creed appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday to announce that he won't be voting for Obama. Okay, um, I know the election is coming up, and every vote counts and all that, but if I may be so bold, I'm going to have to say NO ONE CARES, SCOTTY. I mean, we're talking about the man responsible for this:

If you haven't stabbed yourself in the eyes, here's a quotation from Mr. Stapp's interview over at Fox: "My heart and soul would really like someone like Reagan or FDR to come back and give us a new deal." Reagan? REAGAN? Yeah, that'd be swell! The man who once called Medicaid recipients "a faceless mass, waiting for handouts" and who, during his presidency, managed to ignore AIDS, give huge tax breaks to the rich, fund terrorists, and increase unemployment? Great idea, you clown. Get a haircut, lay off the Juvederm, and stick to what you do best -- oh wait. What is that exactly? JUST ASKING.

[HuffPost]

Wah Wah Wah

LeAnn Rimes gave her first post-rehab interview to the The Boston Herald last week, and in it the singer/bikini-inhabitant explained that social media forces were at the root of the anxiety and stress that drove her to seek inpatient care. Said LeAnn, "I think it's really hard to deal with Twitter and Facebook and all these social media outlets. And it's hard to take it day after day of reading and seeing things that someone you don't even know says about you. As much as you said you don't want it to penetrate, it does, because you're human." Now that she is feeling better and stronger, LeeLee will kick off a tour in Nevada this Friday. There's no word on the identity of the mystery person who held a gun to her head and forced her to open and maintain her Facebook and Twitter accounts before forcing her to call and curse out one of her former Twitter followers, but I sure hope this depraved criminal is prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

[Radar Online]

Mmm-Hmm

Yesterday I posted some props to Christina Aguilera, which wasn't easy considering I am decidedly Team Britney. Now it turns out that the words for which I applauded her were never uttered -- well, at least not by Chrissy. CAg's rep told Entertainment Weekly that the quotations were fabricated, confirming what I had known before yesterday: she's not that cool. See, this is what happens when I stop snarking and try to be nice. That'll teach me. As you were.

Tastes Like Chicken!

Former Partridge Family and reality TV star Danny Bonaduce was at a Washington casino for a meet and greet on Friday when a woman asked for a kiss and then bit him in the face. The woman was taken into custody, and Bonaduce was treated with antibiotics. He isn't going to press charges, though, because, as he said of his attacker, "I think she was truly, truly delusional. I don't think she had any idea what she did." Um, yeah, I'd say that the minute someone identifies as a Danny Bonaduce fan, it's safe to say she's lost touch with reality. Get well soon, Bonny.

[Us]

She Should Sue Them All

Okay, let me make this as simple as I can. On Saturday night, Lindsay Lohan met some dude named Christian LaBella at a bar (where she definitely wasn't drinking because she doesn't do that, you guys) and then took him back to her hotel room. Early Sunday morning (read: once the coke wore off), Lilo says that she and Monsieur LaBella got into an argument over cell phone photos he'd taken of her, after which the guy threw her to the ground and choked her. Lindsay called the cops, and her alleged attacker was charged with assault and harassment. Well, now, in what can only be called a stunning turn of events, the NYPD has dropped the charges against LaBella because detectives have determined that Lilo's story doesn't check out. I, for one, am stunned. Never mind the fact that valuable law enforcement time and money is being used to indulge the deluded ramblings of a convicted thief -- this is a travesty of rectitude! I demand a recount! JUSTICE FOR LINDSAY! FREE WINONA! AT-TIC-A! AT-TIC-A!

Yeah, I'm As Surprised As You Are

In the ongoing, critically important debate that is Britney vs. Christina, I've always been Team Britney. Don't get me wrong: CAg is clearly the better singer; we all know that. But she seems like kind of a douche, right? I mean, People.com has an entire photo gallery devoted to Xtina's "feuds" with other celebs. So I've always had a soft spot for little-girl-gone-personality-disordered-conservatee BritBrit. But today I am going to give props to Hissy Fit Chrissy, who told Billboard Magazine that after her label pressured her to lose weight for her 2006 Back to Basics tour, she told them to suck it this time around. Says Christina:

"I told them during the Lotus recording, 'You are working with a fat girl. Know it and get over it.' My body can't put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore -- my body is just not on the table that way anymore."

Let's not discuss the part about how her body once was on the table that way, because she didn't start that fire. Imma put my fingers in my ears and hum through that bit. For now, I just want to give props where props are due. No snarky comments, no backhanded compliments. I swear. See? I am not thinking of any jokes involving the words "dirrty genie in a bottle." Nope. Not one.

[Huffpost]